Your first time

This is the only place I could think of where the people could give me real, intelligent answers, so please help me out.

I’m 21 years old and have a history of severe depression and anxiety that I’m finally starting to get over with lots of therapy and some medication. Last night I got intimate with the first girl I’ve ever been intimate with, and I couldn’t perform. I don’t know why…I was trying to relax, and I think I was as relaxed as possible, but something was keeping me from getting into it and after a while I just had to stop. It’s so embarassing.

Has anyone else had this problem with their first time? Or anything similar? I’m starting to worry.

You were just nervous… Not uncommon…

IANAD, but I have heard that some anti-depressants can have “sexual side effects”. May wanna check with your doc, or google your meds…

Yup, could be the medication itself, as well as nerves.

IANAD, but my husband was on an anti-depressant (Prozac or Paxil, I forget which one)before he met me, and he said he had a lot of trouble having an orgasm when he was on it. A lot of other antidepressents have similar side effects.

Can you be more specific than “couldn’t perform”?

If we’re talking about inability to achieve erection then yep, I had that the first time. I was 17, an age at which you’re supposed to get an erection just from thinking about thinking about sex. It’s nothing to worry about.

One of the prominent side effects of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) and serotonin-onrepinephrine reuptake inhibitors is repression of libedo, erectile dysfunction (in males), and anorgasmia. (The equivilent can occur in females although the literature I’ve read seems less developed regarding female dysfunction.) Norepinephrine dopamine reuptake inhibitors (NDRI) and selective serotinin reuptake enhancers (SSRE) are allegedly free of sexual side effects, and there are anecdotal claims that bupropion (an NDRI, sold under the trade name Wellbutrin and Zyban) can actually enhance libido in some people, though my experience has been to the contrary. The hyposexual effects sometimes (but not always) disappear after after an acclaimation period, and except in rare cases (see Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction) disappear spontaneously quickly after cessation of use. The incidence and extent of effects varies widely with patients, and there’s really no way to predict how a patient will respond, so it’s a matter of trial and error to find a drug and dosage that will minimize effects while giving relief from the underlying depression or anxiety. Talk to your prescribing doctor or consult with a psychophramacologist about your issues.

On the other hand, first sexual encounters are almost always anxious, fumbling, messy episodes that rarely come off as portrayed in film. So, don’t get too worried about your performance or concerned about the effects of anti-depressants. And while it’s probably futile to tell you to “not be embarrassed”, the young lady in question was probably equally embarrassed at her percieved inability to, uh, get you engaged (as are, at some point, pretty much everybody in the history of humanity when it comes to some apsect sex), so it’s not the end of the world.

Good luck to you, Tashtego, and hang in there.


It happened to me once with a girl I really, really liked. I’d been intimate before, but not with her. She tried to pleasure me orally, but I had issues pulling the car out of the garage, so to speak.

I apologized profusely and she understood, and we ended up taking a shower the next morning where the little guy performed admirably! I was maybe 19 at the time, and it’s never happened before or after.

Try not to let it get to you. I hear the mental issue of “it happened once, it’ll happen again” is what stops guys a lot of times. Consider it a weird, one time deal like mine was. You’ll be okay.

And girls are remarkably understanding about this stuff. I had to apologize for this and premature ejaculation before. Both girls took it in good humor and I had long relationships with both following the mishap. No big deal, guy.

Girl chiming inn. Most girls know to expect this sort of thing , particularly if the boy doesn’t have that much experience. Any girl who can’t take it in stride isn’t worth keeping. Take some time to get comfortable with each other, and try again.

Not sure what you’re getting at with “get intimate”- do you mean it was the first time you and a girl had full access to each others’ naked parts and you were just going for a little manual or oral manipulation and you couldn’t ejaculate, or you lost your virginity and you couldn’t finish?

If it was the former, I had the same problem for a while. I had many naked sweaty encounters with girls which included just about everything except penile/vaginal, or penile/anal intercourse, and for a long time I just couldn’t seal the deal. One girlfriend gave me great head, and I would get hard, and she’d be working on me for a while, but I couldn’t allow myself to ejaculate. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

I think my problem was I was so used to, well, taking care of things myself, that while what she was doing felt nice, it wasn’t what I was used to.

Don’t worry, it’ll come. I mean, it’ll happen.

If it is the anti-depressant drugs affecting you then you would also have difficulty coming when masturbating alone. If masturbation works easily for you, then it is probably nervousness. If nervousness is a problem, take the time waiting for things to happen getting good at cunnylingus, the woman will almost certainly appreciate it :slight_smile:

You shouldn’t let it be any more of a big deal to you than it would be if she had been unable to get aroused with you (and said it wasn’t anything personal). Sometimes you’re just not in the mood, all systems are not go, you’re distracted, you’re just not <ahem> up for it at the moment.

A lot of your friends won’t talk about it, but first-time sex is rarely worth a damn. You have all that pressure to do it right, and no idea what to do. You’re finally getting what you’ve been dreaming about, and it’s hard to tell excitement from fear. Some guys can’t get erect, some do something naive and hurt her. Some can achieve docking, but can’t have an orgasm. Some barely get plugged in before coming

It will get better. Really, it will.

That was just mean. :wink:

" This sexual experience underwritten by the fine folks at NASA.

NASA: When you simply must dock correctly the first time. "


She and I were both highly freaked the first time- it was both of our first times. I cried some, she cried some. It wasn’t very sexual but it sure was intimate.

Good advice re: the meds interfering. If it was not the meds, take it easy on yourself anyway. A lot of folks take a few experiences before it starts to become something arousing in addition to unnerving/exciting/terrifying/difficult to dock with.


And, to let you know, I am 26 years old, and occasionally find myself in the same situation. Sometimes stress/anxiety spills over into that part of life. The first time or two with someone can even add to that kind of anxiety.

It’s not uncommon, and try to not feel too stressed about it (it’s a nasty feedback loop, I know). And, as others said, a woman who isn’t able to deal with that occasionally isn’t worth your time.

Well I wasn’t going to go into details, but by “intimate” I mean having sex. I was having trouble keeping an erection and when I managed to keep one for a while, I couldn’t reach orgasm. We tried again twice tonight and the third time was the charm, but it was still difficult. It was like I wouldn’t let myself climax for some reason.

I’ll definitely check in with my doctor about the medication, for some reason that didn’t even occur to me. I have no problem climaxing by myself though, so I don’t know if that’s the problem.

I bet it’s just stress/anxiety.

Thanks guys, you really lifted my spirits.

Nothing wrong with the plumbing then. That’s always good news.

Sometimes things are just like that. I was dating a guy for several months and we tried admirably and he just was not able to get it up long enough to finish. After we broke up we had a friends with benefits thing a few times that he had no problem with…completely hard and finished every time. Turns out he was freaked out because he was in a “relationship” and he was constantly thinking about the future and all the pressures that come with that. He stressed himself soft and I’m sure he isn’t the only guy that ever happened to.

It wont be the medication then.
(I’ve been through many anti-depressant medications and some have affected me, but the effect is constant whether you are with a partner or not.) Sometimes the medication effect can be +ve, as you can reach errection and stay errect for hours without coming, which can allow you to outlast a dildo :wink: