The first time I ever got hot and heavy with a woman, I was totally unable to get an erection. This was mortifying- for some reason I just didn’t feel aroused by it. I confided to some people about it, and they reassured me that it was probably just ‘performance anxiety’ and that over time I would get over it.
Many years and several non-sexual relationships later I was intimate with someone again. This time, the performance anxiety wasn’t as bad- and I was physically capable of having intercourse. However, the intercourse part was rather unfulfilling, and frustrating for that matter, because while it did feel good, the pleasantness I felt was so minor and subtle I wasn’t able to orgasm, in fact I had a difficult enough time keeping it up
I did make it a point not to dwell too much on certain aspects- I really did enjoy the romp in the sack overall, but it wasn’t as sexually fulfilling as I thought. Maybe I still have some anxiety lurking about, or maybe there was just some kind of inherent incompatibility that caused the problem. But while I tried to focus on the good aspects of it, the problems I still had worried me.
Well, speaking as someone who’s been in your shoes, hopefully you have a sympathetic and patient partner. It took me something like 2-3 months before I got it up and off consistently.
For me, it was just a comfort/trust issue, with a little bit of re-learning what sensations felt good. After a long time with Rosie & her five sisters, being with a woman is a relatively subtle sensation.
I’m not sure what to tell you if you aren’t seeing someone steadily- that might make it kind of tough to get past the problems.
Oh… forgot to mention that nowadays, 9 months after we started dating, my girlfriend has me howling like a dog! No anxiety problems or sensation problems here!
Incubus, I just want to thank you for posting this, so that I wouldn’t have to do it myself someday. I started to get the feeling people were getting tired of my sexual anxiety threads.
Incubus you are one of my favorite posters. I open every thread you start, and admire your honesty, and courage as you tell us about the ups and downs of your life.
One thing that seems to come up fairly often is your fear of poor performance with women, and lack of desire and satisfaction when it comes to sex in general.
Maybe you’re just not a high sex drive kind of person. But it does seem like you want, or would like this part of your life to be fulfilling. As smart as the Dopers are, maybe it’s time you saw a counselor and talked about some of these issues. You can take Viagra to get it up. But a private session with a counselor might put these issues into focus and help you have the type of life you really want.
3 times. If you’re still having problems after that, then there’s something very seriously wrong with you.
Sorry, that was mean. The best answer I could give (as one complete unqualified to answer questions on psychology or anxiety issues) would be that it’s just a matter of you and your partner getting more relaxed around each other in general, and more comfortable with just enjoying sex however it turns out. Of course, what I’m really just saying is “don’t worry,” which is probably the most unhelpful advice there is for someone with anxiety.
Do you have the same troubles when you uhhh take matters into your own hands? Sorry, I’ve forgotten, how old are you? And do you and your girlfriend engage in lots of foreplay first? Lots of kissing, touching and petting, so that you get all fired up beforehand?
All that aside, thank you for sharing this. Though I’m old enough to know better, I always have thought that guys were always hot to trot and good to go right off the get go.
Are you super shy in other areas? As someone else said, if this doesn’t end in a reasonable time, you may want visit your doc to check for medical reasons.
That is what is so frustrating- I have no trouble getting myself off. The sexual encounter I had, in case anyone is curious, happened on a cruise ship (off the coast of Alaska of all places! ). Of course, I wasn’t exactly planning on getting laid that week; I was on a family vacation and was sharing a cabin with my brother and cousin, so no self-love goin on that week either (no way am I gonna do that with two other guys in the room with me! :eek: ). During the rendezvous I had, there was lots of foreplay, in fact because of my problems maintaining an erection, I’d say it was like 95% foreplay, 5% sex. The woman I was with was very patient and sympathetic about my inexperience, so it wasn’t difficult to learn what she liked, which helped my confidence quite a bit. Don’t get me wrong, the experience was very enjoyable- heck, I got more excited watching her get off than me trying to be physically aroused.
I am a little on the shy side around women although I’m working on getting over that. What relationships I have been in have been few and far between, and Ms. Right never seems to want to stick around for very long
A couple of other things might have affected my virility- the woman I was with was very energetic and had a very high alcohol tolerance. We would spend all night having drinks and dancing, then go back to her place for some fun. Problem was, the dancing and drinking took its toll on me. When we would get back to her cabin, I was exhausted. I was still willing to have sex, but I kind of wished it happened earlier in the day; in the morning perhaps, when I’m a little bit more spry. I also wish I had more than just a week with her. I’ll never know if my own body would have responded better over time because the fun only lasted about a week.
Someone mentioned that I the feel of a woman might feel ‘subtle’ in comparison to my own hands. I couldn’t agree more. The sensation was pleasant, but not ‘knock-my-socks off’ great. Ditto with oral sex; I didn’t get much out of receiving it.
Sometimes I wonder if gender roles play into this anxiety. I know that men and women feel anxiety over gender roles because sometimes we feel we are ‘expected’ to feel or act a certain way in certain circumstances. Even when we know it might be bunk, its a hard insecurity to fight for some people.
I had also always thought that a guy is always going to be good to go in a sexual situation, that women are harder to arouse than men. If the guy can’t get aroused, there must be something wrong and this is where a lot of my anxiety is coming from.
This may seem like lame advice, but I think the next time this happens you should drink a few shots or something before the big event. I understand that the first time you were exhausted partly due to alcohol, but if you take a girl out to the bar beforehand and you both lower your inhibitions a little without exhausting yourselves dancing and carrying on, the magic will happen.
I’m saying this because it’s the only thing that worked for one of my best friends and her boyfriend - the poor guy kept losing his erection when it came time to perform, so I suggested to her that she wait until my upcoming birthday party and get him good and drunk first. It worked like a charm and he hasn’t had a problem since.
Incubus, alcohol may be the inhibitor. From sexuality.org (great site for learning things, go to the “Search” page and type in anything you’re interested in learning):
“Alcohol.
The only “legal” drug in this short list of mind-altering chemicals, alcohol is widely available in most of the known world. Alcohol is primarily a depressant, although it small doses it may cause free-association that leads to violence where hostility already exists. Alcohol is used in a sexual context to “loosen one up,” overcoming inhibitions to proceed to the sexual act itself; however, it’s depressant effect may also cause temporary impotence.” Bolding mine.
This may be a little TMI, as well, but… let’s talk about head. Each woman will do it differently, and each one will feel very different to you. What she does to you might have driven the last man she was with wild with desire, but may not work for you. For example, I love giving head, and two out of the three guys I’ve ever been with have told me it was the best head they’ve ever gotten. ego swells er, ahem! Yes. ANYway, I didn’t ever do anything differently, except with the guy who couldn’t seem to get off when I did it. Experience doesn’t always mean anything. I’ve been watching a steady stream of porn since I was 13 years old, but it didn’t help at all with that one fellow. So, just because you don’t feel any fireworks going off when a woman gives you head, doesn’t mean that you can’t or will never (unless you really don’t care to, of course). That’s where having a steady partner and keeping an open mind and communication are very important. A woman who doesn’t do it for you can learn to, if she’s willing to learn what turns you on (as you should do for her, of course, but that’s another issue ). It takes patience, since it’s something you have to learn, as well - you don’t yet know what the woman can do that will turn you on.
Well, I hope some of this has helped a little bit, and my sincere apologies if I’ve just regurgitated information you already know. I wish you luck and happy humping!
Yeah, “whiskey dick” is a fairly common thing. It takes me a long time to get off if I’ve been drinking a lot. As anastasaeon said, a little oral action will often help matters along. You’d have to be damn near comatose not to have Mr. Peepers perk up at that point. That said, even in that case, if I’ve been drinking I’ll maintain a hard enough erection to provide pleasure, but usually not enough to stimulate me to orgasm (I’m always slow to come, anyhow, so this makes the matter worse.)
A little less alcohol and a little more manual and oral stimulation should hopefully help you along. Now go test out our hypothesis and report back.
Have you considered being a little, er, gentler with yourself when you masturbate? Making it last longer, using a wider variety of stimului, etc? It seems like guys often jack off quickly and efficiently with a death-grip on the poor thing, which a woman is not going to be able to compete with. Maybe if you try accustoming yourself to a wider variety of less intense stimulation, you’ll be able to enjoy it more.
Oh, and I second everybody else who’s talked about being comfortable with your partner, not-drunk (although a little bit of alcohol helps some shy people), and sufficiently foreplayed.
Oh, and IMHO it should be like 95% foreplay and 5% sex. I mean, you shouldn’t come right away, but women don’t really want a marathon session either. After a while I start counting ceiling tiles.
Zsofia, you bring up a very good point. I think one of the reasons I haven’t been gentler on myself is because a while back I learned that for me, the more intense the stimulation, the more intense the orgasms. So I was able to condition myself to have these mind-blowing orgasms, which took relatively little effort. Of course, I know what I like done to me more than anybody else does, and with another person, it takes significantly more effort.
Anastasaeon, that is interesting. Honestly, I thought the sensation of oral sex was actually kind of odd. Like intercourse, it didn’t quite feel as great as I thought it would be…more of a ‘ticklish’ feeling than anything. Actually a couple of times I had to ask her to stop, because the ‘ticklish’ aspect got too intense; it was like having your foot tickled for ten minutes straight :eek: though she absolutely loved receiving oral sex from me, so I guess the stuff I was doing was working.
Totally random: The expression on a person’s face right before they have an orgasm is pretty funny
Ahhh young grasshopper! You’ve so much playing and learning to do. Fear not Incubus, at 24 you are looking forward to a life of pleasurable experiences, and not-so-pleasurable ones. One thing that has not been mentioned, and one thing I make it a point to go over in my sex and sexuality class with the students, is impotence and erectile dysfunction can be caused by very different things. Physiology can play a premier role in your problem. After reading the entire thread, my first reaction was, “Hmmm, I wonder if the young lad had a pulmonary problem…”
At your age, you’d be wise to get over an inhibition to seeing a physician…Meaning, there is nothing wrong with going to the docs office to discuss potential problems with circulation in the area of your penis. Getting yourself off is easy, and with the internet, you can see every size, shape, position, performance you wish. Matching a pornographic picture or movie on the screen with the cutie in your math class can have not so beneficial psychological effects on performance with the real thing. It does not surprise me your cruise ship fling probabaly wasn’t as stimulating as you would have expected. Had you not already experienced something similar with your own self it may have been more enjoyable. I am in no way discouraging masturbation, Hell, I encourage it!
A long term dating scenerio may be just the thing you need to overcome any anxiety under the covers - or on the dining room table as it may be.
But a trip to the doc to eliminate any physical basis may be best.
). It takes patience, since it’s something you have to learn, as well - you don’t yet know what the woman can do that will turn you on.