Rites of Initiation--Who starts sex most?

Because there can never be too many simultaneous threads with a sexual theme!

At a girls’ night out last week, a conversation started about who is the sexual initiator most of the time in my friends’ relationships. I guess I am just naive, but I had no idea this was such an issue! My questions are, my friends: do YOU find yourself initiating sex more often than your spouse/SO/bf/gf/partner/acquaintance does it; if so, does that annoy you (and why); how do you let her/him know it annoys you; and have you done anything to make it a more equitable arrangement? Or, like me, is this something of a non-issue for you?

Most of my friends at this get-together (so unfortunately, all females) seemed actually put out to be expected to initiate sex. They are all younger than I am, ranging in age from 35-ish to 40-ish. They seemed to feel that it was expected of them to be the initiator, if they wanted it. For some reason, it made them feel less sexy if they had to be the one starting the sex disproportionately (more than half the time). OTOH, when asking my b/f about this, he indicated it was a HUGE issue in his ex-marriage, where his then-wife felt that he was “pushing sex” on her if he initiated all the time, to the point where he became almost afraid to initiate. I’d honestly never noticed that I do seem to be the initiator quite a lot. It bothers me not at all!

How about you?


Yeah, lately since DH returned from iraq, it seems if I want it then I initiate. Not my fave for some reason, maybe him initiating makes me feel more sexy I don’t know. Now him waking up at 4 a.m. and starting it is something different. :smiley:

I’d say my bf and I initiate it an even amount. Any given week, one of us may initiate it more than the other, but in the long run, it feels pretty even. I don’t resent it at all when I initiate. It’s fun, distracting him from whatever it was he was doing.

Of my previous relationships, I was always the initiator in the beginning. As we got more comfortable with each other, I think he ended up doing most of it. It wasn’t really an issue, though - whenever he’s in the mood, I start feeling it too.

I was just talking with my beau about this the other night. I asked him if he ever was sad that I never initiate. I don’t know why, but I never do. Maybe it is shyness, laziness or thoughtlessness, or all 3. I love having sex with him and am always happy whenever he initiates it though.

IMHO: Whoever rebounds from the rebuff better should probably intiate sex in a long-term relatioonship.
Mostly, it’s me for just that reason.

I was with a girl once who pretty much seemed to be of the opinion that if she didn’t start it we weren’t having it. :rolleyes:

Yeah, we didn’t last long.

Other than that I think I may be a “Horny Broad” magnet because most of my past gf’s want it all the freak’n time!! -So I never really have a chance to start it.

I guess I’ve been pretty lucky in that regard.

My guy used to be nervous about starting up, so I’d initiate most of the time. Then we had a chat about it and I told him that he’d get a lot more sex if he initiated. If he starts up, I rarely say no. Now that he’s figured that out he initiates almost all of the time. I prefer it that way.

Male, married 8 yrs (just for stastical purposes). I always have to initiate sex, unless it is my birthday, or some very special occasion. I have turned down my wife 2X over the last 8 years. She has rejected me dozens of times during our marriage.
For some reason, my wife does not enjoy vaginal or oral sex. I guess I should be happy with what I get. Not to hijack, or to lower the theme, but wanted to add my 2 cents.
SGT Schwartz