A clever conversation about sex (cannot be found in this OP)

Ever lay in bed composing a thread in your mind?

That’s where this is coming from. There’s a discussion that I’d like to have with my SO, or at least I think I would. But I’m not sure how to start it, how not to sound whiny, etc.

You see, it’s about sex and intimacy, sexual play, etc. and how I’d like more, please. To give you a little bit of background, our relationship will be a year old in January. Our relative experience doesn’t match. Me, about 5 years or so, him about 25 years or so. In the beginning things were better than they are now and I suppose that that’s just the way the the beginning of relationships goes. However, I often find that I am left craving intimacy, yet coming up short.

This is hard to even write about. Because it’s a good relationship, overall. Aack! If I can’t even get my point across to total strangers, how will I ever have a satifying and clear conversation with him?


Thoughts, suggestions, similar situations for commiserating, anyone?

Ummm…Please do not think I am asking for more intimate details.

I know this is a difficult thing for a lot of folk, me included, while some just sail away with it. I am in your court, here.

So, please do not answer my questions, they’re just “think-about-its.”

  • Does he engage in “pillow talk?” Is this one of the things you mean? I am male, but I could not imagine having to put up with a guy who just rolled over and went to sleep. I have no suggestions for you, I am sorry, for me this is the best part of intimacy/sex. I just don’t know how a gal would go about letting a guy know that this is a pretty nice period to just enjoy. What I can say, I’m a male idiot?

*Does he sleep with his arms around you, at least until he starts snoring and you have to kick him over for simple self-preservation? Or does he just turn over at once?

*You say he has 25 years experience at this, but I have to ask: Does he have 25 years experience or just 1 year’s experience 25 times?

Sorry, I’m not a Great Lover, just trying to clarify some things. I do wish yo luck, he is obviously possessed of some sterling traits or you wouldn’t have been with him so long…others, more erudite than I, will hopefully give you some concrete suggestions.

I hope I’ve put enough detail in here so this post doesn’t qualify as a bump, as the OP sure could use some feedback.

Hey, best wishes, Always Brings Pie.

(How could anyone underappreciate any one with a user name like that, anyway?)

You say he has 25 years experience while you have about 5. Is he that much older than you are? He may just not have a very high sex drive.

Or they could be the same age, and the OP came late to the party having only discovered sex at age 40. :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m starting backwards here.

Well… Sort of close. I’m 33, he’s 42. I was once the idealistic sort and have since been corrupted. So :stuck_out_tongue: yourself. :smiley:

Yes, this is a possibility that I’ve considered. He’s always talking about it and all of his exploits in the past. (Not in a crude way, even though it sounds like it.) But, then again, he’s big on living in the past. My MMP friends know that he’s got a visual disability and does alot of big talking to overcompensate for that.

I know you said that you didn’t particularly want answers. But I’m gonna give them anyways. I mean, why not bare your soul to the Teeming Millions, right?

Answer is, gee, why, NO, there’s no time for that when you’re racing off to the other room to have a cigarette and then coming back to bed, kissing me goodnight and rolling over to go to sleep.

Thank you for your kindness and willingness to respond. I do appreciate that. Yes, I DO love him. And we’re working on, over time, making this a permanent arrangement, so I believe that it’s worth working on fine tuning the rough spots. It’s just hard for me to figure out how to talk about stuff like this (Out Loud).

As a guy, I’ve always appreciated a gal who was vociferous enough in bed to tell me, “Do this,” “Do that,” “Harder there,” “I don’t like that,” and “NOT THERE!”

We can’t do what you want, if’n we don’t know what you gals want. If he’s a well adjusted guy, he won’t take your direction as criticism.

I don’t have as much time as I would like to write a decent answer, but here are a few thoughts.

First, if the relationship is “good, overall” it should include the ability to really talk to each other. If things go bad with sex, which should be one of the funner aspects of a relationship, then how will you handle discussions of money?

I’d recommend reading a few books on sex. Find ones which agree with what you would like, so you feel more comfortable thinking about it yourself. See if you agree with what’s written or not.

A lot of guys don’t understand intimacy, so finding a book which explains the basics of what to do (such as not getting up and getting a smoke) may help him understand.

What he needs to realize that if he keeps it up, you may eventually lose interest in sex and then he’s fucked (as it were). It’s in his best interest to learn how to make this fun for everyone.

Sorry for the quick answer.

I’m having a little trouble understanding the situation.

Is it that the sex is unsatisfying, or that the sex is absent?

I’m getting the feeling that it’s not the sex per se that’s unsatisfying, but the non-sexual intimacy bits. Am I right?

The actual physical ‘act’ is there and it’s fine. It’s the emotional and physical considerations throughout the rest of the day that are lacking. Imagine spending all day together and having about 1 percent or so of it being emotionally, intimately satisfying.

ETA:Exactly it, Telperien

In that case, sex books (though they are fun and I can personally recommend two that I like, if you wish) may not be what you are looking for. The two of you may express intimacy and emotion differently and I think that an important part of being more satisfied in your relationship, especially if you wish to make it permanent, is for you and your partner to each understand how the other one expresses these things.

Some people think that merely hanging around expresses intimacy adequately. :smiley: While this is a rather practical and utilitarian view, it doesn’t do much for someone who wants to be held and told that you love them.

OK, so…

Not enough hand holding? Not enough forehead touching? Little kisses as you pass by each other? Saying sweet things, like I love you?

Do you have cute little teddy bear names for each other, like schmoopy or snugglebunny or sweetums?

Huh. Funny you should mention that. My dad and I have had discussions as to whether or not my SO might have Asperger’s Syndrome due to his demeanor and methods of communication with people in general. Because, you’re right, merely hanging around is practical and utilitarian. And my SO is almost always a practical and utilitarian sort of individual.


And, ha ha ha, no. Not really any little nicknames. He calls me Honey and I call him by his first name.

He may have Asperger’s Syndrome. He may just not be a lovey-dovey schmoopy kind of guy. I have a friend who likes to get flowers and stuff from her husband; his idea of romance is making sure she never has to get her own gas. (personally, I think that’s pretty damn romantic, but I hate pumping gas) I hate to be all self-helpy here, but maybe you need to learn each other’s, whaddyacallem, love languages.

I’m here with a message of hope! My husband of 19 years (been together almost 23) is also a very utilitarian, practical sort of individual. But I have, over the years, been able to train him into acting more intimately, on a regular basis. But your SO has to be secure with himself so he doesn’t take these things as criticisms, and you have to be willing to express and model the behavior you would like.

My husband does not respond to subtlety. If I want something, I have to be very clear about it. If I were in your place, I’d have to say to him (as sex was getting started), “You know what would be great? If after we were finished, you would just lie here with me a while and hold me”. If he reacts well to that, you can make other suggestions (“You know, it would mean a lot to me if you would express appreciation for me sometimes”).

As far as expressing appreciation, when my hubby doesn’t do it but I think it’s due, I approach it with humor. Some years ago, I started signing my emails to him “UW”. Eventually, he asked me what it meant, and I responded “Ultimate Wife”. :smiley: So now, when I think I’ve done something that deserves appreciation, I’ll just wink at him and say “Don’t worry about it; it’s all part of being Ultimate”, or “Being Ultimate isn’t easy; it’s just that I’m so good at it I make it look that way. Kinda like those olympic skaters”.

We relate to one another on a level of humor a lot. Of course, that’s what we do because it’s what works for us. Your relationship is pretty new, and you two have to find what works for you!

What absolutely does not work is being coy or disingenuous in hopes he’ll figure you out. If he’s the practical, utilitarian type, you’ll do much better just asking for what you want! The really good news is, if he’s practical, he can be taught that there’s a reward to behaving in certain ways, and those rewards will reinforce the behavior you desire.

As a last caveat, I have to say that you have to be willing to make some changes, too. Long term relationships don’t work without compromise.

Best of luck!

We have a winner! All the way around. But exactly, HOW do we learn each other’s ‘love languages’?

Ha! My hubby is definitely not the lovey-dovey schmoopy kind of guy! I would love for him to bring me flowers. I’ve told him this. He means to, because he knows I’d like it. But he always forgets. So, sometimes while I’m at the store, I’ll pick up a bouquet I like, bring them home, put them in a vase, and then when he comes home, I’ll say “Look at these beautiful flowers you bought me! Thank you!”

I’m not all sarcastic about it, either. I know he’d buy me flowers if he remembered. But he earns 95% of the money in the household, so when I pay for the flowers with the bank card, he did indeed “buy” them, and I end up with beautiful flowers! So, it’s a win-win situation.

The one time I really wanted him to send flowers (one Valentine’s Day), I had to go on a full-blown campaign for flowers! I started about 6 weeks in advance, telling him I’d love flowers for Valentine’s Day. I sent him emails at work, reminding him. I’d leave him voicemails, reminding him. Etc.

He sent flowers. :slight_smile:

Hah. From both of your posts it sounds like I am dating his long lost brother.

Thank you, seriously, for the encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. Especially because I am one who always does thoughtful little things and gives encouragement, etc. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.


You might want to cultivate some teddy bear talk. Sometimes it takes a while to find it, and some people think it’s silly and overly cute, but most likely it’s in there somewhere. It’s balls for building intimacy.

As far as passing niceties, do you initiate them ever? When was the last time you pinned him up against the wall unexpectedly and put your tongue in his mouth – and then just walked away like it never happened? (This works great in semi-public places where your privacy might be invaded at any second. Elevators are fantastic for this.)

But what is day-to-day life like? When you hang out and watch a movie, do you sit together? How close? Do you hold hands? Cradle yourself in his arm? Occasionally plant your face in his chest and giggle? I suspect your answer to all of these is no, and that’s exactly the problem. If he won’t initiate this stuff, then you have to. Just do it.

But don’t be clingy. Tease him a little with all of that. Pull back before he has a chance to.