Sex/Relationship advice needed.. please...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, so info about my girlfriend and me. We’ve been seeing each other for two years plus change. We are comitted to each other, though NOT engaged. (We likely will be someday… but I think part of the problem I need advice on might be preventing me from asking.)

So, here’s the thing… she’s had a chance to experiment with several different guys sexually. But I never really have. She’s basically my first…

So, I think there is basically the crux of the problem. I’ve been feeling like I’d like to get out there and experiment more with other people before I finally settle down. NOT to leave my g/f, but to have different experiences that I can bring to the table. I absolutely do not want to ruin what is between my g/f and me. But, on the other hand, I really have been feeling like I’ve lost a lot by not really getting out there and seeing and being with different types of women. I don’t want to be 70 years old and regret that I lost my youth or anything.

I talked to her and we are having serious discussions about maybe seeing other people non-commitally for a period of time. But as I see it, this only has a couple of turnouts. 1> It actually works, I get it out of my system and we marry and live happily ever after. 2> We end up really hurting each other either through the course of this, or because it was never really “OK” even though we thought it would be, and break up in the long run. 3> We end up hurt, “work it out,” stay together, but never are completely satisfied with having done this and never really quite get over it. (despite staying together)

So, what to do. She’s afraid we’ll end up like her parents (Her dad was in the same situation and ended up cheating on her mom down the road. Largely because he just never had his chance to “sow his oats” so to speak.) if we DON’T do something about it now before we’re married, or even engaged. Or like I said previously, I end up regretting her or myself when I’m older. But we’re also afraid of ruining the relationship by continuing on with the plan.

Is this just typical relationship-jitters? Am I crazy? I really don’t know anybody I can talk to about this. So I am turning to the vast wisdom on SDMB land. What do you guys think? What would you do?

2

Well, first off, actually, it DOES sound like you know who to turn to for help: your girlfriend.

Second, your main stated reason for wanting to experiment is to make sure you’re bringing everything into the relationship that you can. Is your girlfriend satisfied with what you’ve shown so far? You said she had had prior experience; how do you compare?

Third, your concern that you might turn into her father is based on the idea that he got bored and went elsewhere, not that he went elsewhere in search of more experience to take back to his wife. Not exactly applicable, unless you’re concerned that your girlfriend will stray?

Fourth, dull, boring, and grown-up as it may sound, one of the most stabilizing things anybody can bring into a relationship is trust, honesty, and dependability. You sound like you’re in a secure, solid relationship. Opening it up would crack that security like an egg, and we all know what Humpty Dumpty had to say about that.

Fifth, there probably aren’t a whole lot of things you could learn “out there” that you couldn’t learn with your girlfriend, possibly with the help of a visit to the closed-off section of your friendly neighborhood video rental place.

That’s probably enough for now; I’ll leave some room for people to flame me for closed-minded prudishness.

3

Given the choice between the experiences I’ve had sleeping around, as fun and adventurous as they have been, and having found a stable, loving relationship early on, I’d have to go with the relationship.

Sex is great, but it’s not the best part. And any relationship involves sacrifices; it seems to me that fidelity is a pretty small sacrifice to make in exchange for love.

A variety of partners is educational in a way, but mostly in that you find out that people are mostly the same. They all have wonderful qualities, and they all have flaws, and they’re complex enough to require a lifetime of study.

If you’ve got someone who loves you, and who you love back, you’ve already won. Why go back and play the game some more?

Just MHO.

4

Ethrilist… I think you’re right on, and I want to echo what you’ve said, and add that Screeme… if you’re satisfied with the relationship and being intimate with her, and she’s satisfied with you… then… don’t mess it up.

I’ve seen it happen to too many couples to stay silent about it. Not that it might not work with you guys, but it’s been my experience that it never does. “Opening”, and I use that word very loosely, up your relationship to incorporate other partners for the basis of sexual experimentation will just erode the trust between you and your partner.

If you’re happy, then my advice is, hang on to it. If you’re not, then that’s your issue. If having more experience is your only goal, then what experience can you not get with your girlfriend? Experiment with her, because I guarantee you that you haven’t found everything that pleases you or her yet, and you probably never will.

Anyway, this is just MHO. Take it as you will, and “good luck” and “best wishes” no matter what you decide. Here’s to a long and happy relationship no matter what. :slight_smile:

5

I’m actually on the opposite end of a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been together over 5 years. He’s 25, I’m 29. I was his “first”. I’d lost count of the guys I’d been with by the time we got together and I’d also been in a couple serious relationships including living with someone. So needless to say, I’m the more experienced of the two of us. We’re in the middle of splitting up now, and I think alot of it has to do with the fact that he knows there are more fish in the sea, so to speak, and is wondering what he’s missing out on - if there might be someone out there who might be a better fit for him than I am. I wonder the same thing, too, but I have no need to “sow my oats” because I’ve already done that.

While our reasons for separating have alot to do with other, personal, issues, I know part of it involves his lack of experience. I personally feel that he would benefit by getting out there and having a few more romantic experiences and learning a few lessons on how to be in a relationship. I don’t feel like I’m the best person to teach him what he needs to know (he’s better at learning stuff than I am at teaching). And he might find someone else who’s a better teacher. And he’d probably gain a different perspective on relationships than either he or I have had all along, which might benefit us both.

Our approach to the situation has been that if we find someone else we want to be with, then that’s just the way it goes. On the other hand, if we get out there and manage to gain some experience through our encounters with other people, and decide we want to be with eachother for the long haul, then we’ll have more experience to bring to our relationship with eachother, and have a stronger relationship because of it.

The difficult part is to remain open minded, and considerate of eachother. Be aware of the situation before you involve yourselves in it. Be conscious of the other person’s feelings and don’t do anything you think might hurt them. Stay friends, no matter what, if you hope to stay together in the long run - don’t keep anything from eachother - keep all lines of communication open.

When my SO moved across the country, we agreed to see other people, but we talked to eachother weekly and discussed pretty much everything, including our situations with the people we were dating. I would prefer to know what he’s going through than be kept in the dark, and I would prefer that he knows what I’m going through. He’s my best friend, after all, even if we end up not being together down the road.

6

sigh Okay, third rewrite as I try to find a coherent way to frame my thoughts.

I’ve always been very suspicious of the “sowing wild oats” excuse. Dating, sexual experimentation, and short term relationships have always struck me as being practice for the big deal - a long term, committed, monogamous relationship. [Caveat: I’m coming at this from a monogamous-by-nature perspective. This does exclude the polyamorous ethos of “more is better!”, but doesn’t mean I don’t accept and respect that approach. So long as everyone’s adult, honest, and consenting, all I ask is make sure you get the stains out of the divan.]

So, if you’ve got the long term, committed, monogamous relationship, why go back to the minor leagues. If you missed something there, you can always explore it with your SO. (“Hey, honey, can we try a little bondage tomorrow night? How about if you wear that red wig?”) If she’s unwilling to explore with you, then it’s time to start talking about the viability of the relationship.

There is a pervasive pressure in our society on men to be “experienced”, as though having a large number of lovers makes one better at sex. Yes, it can happen, but it’s not the only way to get there. Also, the larger the number of lovers, the larger the chance of aquiring a sexually transmitted disease or causing an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. Even the most scrupulously concientiously safe sex runs risks.

The excuse your girlfriend’s father used is a very, very poor one. We all have regrets for things we didn’t do, places we didn’t go, but we set them aside for things we care about - things like marriage and family. Unless there was something else going on that no one’s talking about, her father decided that his momentary pleasure was more important that the health of his marriage or the trust of those he loved.

I guess what I’m trying to say, Screeme, is to figure out what’s more important to you. A healthy, happy relationship is much rarer than a series of “experiences”, and in the long run, a whole lot more important.

7

I had a chance to read other answers that popped up while I was typing and realized what your post was really asking. My answers were regarding gaining more relationship experience, not sexual. If it’s sexual experience you’re after, I do believe there’s no better person than your girlfriend to experiment with.

I don’t think having sex with alot of people is the best way to learn more about sex - Heck, I’d been with alot of guys before I met my SO and didn’t know how to give a proper blowjob until I started dating him - and he was the only one who could show me how to do it the way he wanted it done.

Dating is a good idea if you’re unsure about whether the person your with is right for you and you want to meet other people, but I don’t think having sex with other people would really benefit your relationship with your girlfriend in the long run.

If you want to fool around with other women, have a threesome. That way you’ll both be sharing the experience.

8

Well, I was in pretty much exactly the same position as you are now. This is my experience so take it as you will…

I was a virgin when I met my now ex wife. She is older than me and had had several partners before me but no real serious relationships.

During the marriage ( and before to a lesser extent), I sometimes joked about wanting to fool around to see what I was “missing”. I never did, and honestly, I really did not want to as I was in a (what I thought was) long term relationship.

Since the divorce I have been with a very,[sub]sigh[/sub] very few women. While the times I had were enjoyable, they were but a pale imitation of the loving relationship I had with my wife. Without the emotional connection, sex is pretty much just mechanics.

Like previous people have said, there is very little you can’t do with your gf to “expand your horizons” so to speak.

If I could exchange all the women I have been with for one loving, stable relationship, I would do it in an instant, and I would work my ass off to maintain any relationship I was in. I certainly wouldn’t do ANYTHING to jeopardize it for the sake of “experimentation”.

For me, boring old sex with someone I loved is far more fulfilling than all the muscle pulling, acrobatic, far out shenanigans with a emotional stranger could ever hope to be.

…but that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong…

9

Screeme, I present to you the results of a highly rigorous (well, anecdotal) study of a large sample pool (well, three couples) that I have known in the same situation.

In all three cases, one of the partners was considerably less experienced than the other. In all three cases, the inexperienced partner sought permission to, or was encouraged by the experienced partner, to experiment with other people and gain greater experience - usually the “wild oats” theory was the reason.

In all three cases, the couples ended up broken up. In one case, the experimenter decided he was happier with an “experimentee”, and moved in with her. In the other two, the experienced partner just couldn’t get past the fact that their partner had experimented (even in one case where the experienced partner had been the one to encourage the other to sleep around a bit).

Was it, in the long run, good or bad that these couples broke up, I really can’t say. I’m just telling you that you are playing with fire here - in my experience, there is an EXTREMELY good chance that your relationship will end if you go sow your wild oats.

To toss in my personal opinion, it would be about the stupidest thing you could do. If you are happy in your relationship, stay in it. I don’t think sleeping around will “get it out of your system”. Even if were in a happy relationship after having all the experience in the world, you will very likely end up looking at some woman and thinking, “man, if I weren’t already involved …” That’s human nature, and will always be there.

Sua

10

We just celebrated our 14th anniversary. I was hubby’s first although he was dating someone else at the time (long story). He did eventually end up sleeping with his longtime-girlfriend-at-the-time but knew it wasn’t right with her. (everybody say “aw”) I just found out that he was not as experienced as I thought he was when we got married. (I say he lied; he says he just let assumptions remain uncorrected.) Anyway, I’ve learned a lot more from being with him than I have from any of the 9 guys I slept with before him. Wanna learn something new? There’s all kinds of interesting reading on the internet.

11

SuaSponte said something similar as I was typing, but here’s my take:

You have to realize that there will always be other women out there. So let’s say you did have that experience you lack. Do you honestly think you would have experienced every situation, every permutation of human sexuality? Of course not. Even people who say they’ve done “everything” haven’t, and they certainly haven’t “done” everybody, so there’s always the possibility of curiosity about someone new and different.

Therefore from my POV, it’s a cop-out. An understandable one, but a cop-out nonetheless. A relationship needs to be evaluated on it’s own terms, for what it is. Basically you’re saying, “I’ve found what I want… but… maybe there’s something better out there.” And maybe there is. But you can’t live life like that, constantly second-guessing all your decisions. If you intend it to be forever, as most people do, you need to have good deal of confidence, because there will likely be a good many doubts and you’ll need to be able fight them off, knowing you did make the right decision.

She is a real person, not a robot you can program to be exactly as you wish she was. That means that there will be things she does that you don’t like, and maybe things she can’t do. It will be this way no matter who you end up with. So if you look at this girl and both of you can honestly say, “Yes, I will be happy sharing our lives, good and bad, giving everything I have with no regrets,” then I think your point is moot.

12

I just want to point out that the media and advertising often give the impression that everybody else is out there having mindblowing orgasms nine or ten times a day. They do this in order to sell you products that will bring you the erotic adventure they assure you everyone else is having. I have a friend who is still bitter that he didn’t have sex constantly in high school. He really believes that practically everyone else was living in a teen sex comedy. This has ruined his life.

Second, there are many valuble experieces to be gained by dating many people, but there are tradeoffs there too, just like everything else. HTe person that waits til thier mid-thirties to settle down will likely never really be part of thier partner’s family, for instance. By the time they come on the scene, the family is more scattered, parents are elderly or dead, and neices and nephews are school children or older, not babies. People that settle down in their late thirties never have a fiftieth wedding aniversary, they never have the satisfaction of knowing that thier life partner knew the person they were when they were young. Neither life pattern is “right” or “correct”, but both mean giving something up. Me, I wouldn’t risk a good thing.

13

I was a virgin, literally and figuratively, when I met Mr. S – I’d had a few non-serious dates but no real boyfriends. And he was about to be “born again,” if you will – he’d had a few long-term relationships, one of them fairly serious, and a few sexual partners, but not for a while. Does that have any bearing on our current relationship? Not really. What matters is now, and now we are each the most important thing in the other’s life. I don’t care that I’ve never had another sexual partner – I struck gold on the first try, and I intend to keep him.

He proposed about a year before I graduated from college. I’d already decided that if he hadn’t proposed by the time I graduated, I’d be asking him – because I knew that I didn’t want to spend one minute of the rest of my life without him. Luckily, he felt the same way about me.

Which loss would you regret more – the loss of “other experiences” or the loss of your girlfriend?

14

  1. Face it - You want to bang other chicks. All this “I want to learn more to better my relationship” junk is just that - Junk.

  2. You are obsessing about this

  3. This is a problem

With all the above I say: Break up with your girlfriend, try your damndest to bang as many chicks as it takes to get this “I’m not experienced enough” obsession out of your system, and then try to find a nice gal (who hasn’t had as many partners as you have so you won’t obsess about this “experience thing” again) to settle down with.

[sub]…or you could take the wise advice of the folks above.[/sub]

15

I’m no relationship expert, but my parents just celebrated 55 years of marriage.
It’s been extremely good - sure they argue sometimes, but I had a secure and happy upbringing.
They have never ‘been’ with anyone else.
They talk things through, discuss money every month (using their joint bank account), have some shared interests (music, dancing)and some different (bridge, soccer).

If you want a lifetime relationship, stick with your partner.
If you want to cruise for chicks, here is my phone number … :frowning: (dang, you’re 3,000 miles away).

16

In high school, I met the girl of my dreams. We were both virgins, and were taking things really slowly. I went to college in my home town, so I continued seeing her through college. I had numerous opportunities (okay, maybe five or six, whatever) to sleep with other women while living in the dorms, but I didn’t, because I was committed to my girlfriend, and fully intended to marry her someday. And then my girlfriend dumped me. Boy, didn’t I feel stupid for passing up all those opportunities. I wish I’d cheated on her right and left. Or better yet, dropped her like a sack of potatoes and gotten all the sweaty action I could.

Now I’m married, and my former sexual partners number in the double digits. And yet, I still feel like I missed out when I was younger, and wish I could take a break from marriage and get a little more experience. I think this stems from being male, and being biologically programmed to want to spread my seed far and wide, and also from insecurity. Sort of a “I’m not a big enough stud” complex, I guess. But I’m not going to run off with someone else, because I know it’d be the wrong choice. Am I not learning from experience, and making the same mistake again? In a way, yes, but there’s nothing else I can do. Imagine if I’d left my first girlfriend – I never would have known how it would have turned out. I would have thought dumping her was a huge mistake. There was really no way to win.

Err, that’s hardly a positive sentiment. Maybe I should just stop typing. As for advice, I’d say stick it out. You can always open the relationship later, but once opened, you can’t retroactively close it.

17

Lots of good advice here. I like what was said by Ethilrist in the very first response – short and simple:

But, OTOH, CheapBastid has a very good point. This is a problem for you. If it’s a problem that you don’t think will go away by itself, you need to be aware of that and communicate that to your gf. IMO, trying to maintain an “open” relationship is usually a mistake – if it comes to that, I’d say just take a break instead.

I would advise making it work with this woman, with whom you have a secure relationship. Experimentation within a committed relationship is VERY possible, especially if she shares your desire for new experiences and the two of you can work on it together. But I, like many other posters to this thread, don’t really buy the ‘get it out of my system’ hypothesis.

Good luck!

18

I wholeheartedly agree. My brother and his wife met very early and she has confided in me that my brother is the only one ever. I’ve been a bit of a player in my days, and naturally I had to ask if she didn’t feel as if she was missing something?

Her answer: “No. I haven’t had to date a number of lousy guys, I haven’t had to have lousy sex, just to see what it’s like to sleep with lots of guys. Imagine meeting Mr. Right right away, without having to meet a lot of Mr. Wrongs.”

Personally, playing the field has not made me one bit better in bed. Being with someone I love who brings out the very best in me has turned me into a lover extra-ordinaire.

19

OOO, another chance for me to give bad advice. I really should start a topic, “Get Bad Advice From Sqrl.”

Why not suggest having threeways with your girlfriend. The turnabout is that she can ask you to do the same (2 girls, 1 boy…2 boys one girl… 3 girls… 3 boys… the family pet and the both of you… you name it). Anyway, it would fulfill your desire to have promiscuous sex and basically be slutty before you do the commitment thing and may give you a broader horizon. Hell, if she can’t fulfill your selfish desires what use is she. You know chicks dig threeways. All the straight porn I have ever seen seems to portray it that way. Also, all chicks (again from porn) seem to have some hot lesbian lust. :slight_smile: And if the sex is anywhere near as hot you can video tape it and sell it on the net or to some porn producer. Why the benefits go on and on.

HUGS!
Sqrl

PS. Be a hedonist. Enjoy life. You never know what you are passing up if you don’t take chances to enjoy life.

20

I don’t think Screeme is wanting to try role-playing or incorporate props/toys in his current relationship. (if he hasn’t done so already) I think he just wants to have sex with other women just to see what sex is like with somebody else. I see this from two ways:

First, if you do have sex with other women (with your GF’s permission or not) it will probably have a negative effect on your relationship with your GF. Most women aren’t secure enough to let their boyfriends have sex with anyone else while they’re in a relationship and jealousy and anger will take over and you’ll probably end up breaking up.

Second, if you don’t ever have sex with a different woman you probably will regret it when you’re older. The fact that you’re curious now is a good indication of that. If you don’t want to ruin your relationship with your GF, just be happy that you’ve found someone that you love that loves you back and try not to think about what sex is like with someone else. Just keep thinking that she’s the best lover in the world and do everything you can to please her. It’s going to take a lot of communication on both your parts (and lots of practice :slight_smile: ) in order for you both to enjoy sex 100%. But that’s true for every couple.

I’m glad that I’m not in your position because I know that I would always wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone else. I’ve had enough lovers (some good and some bad… some that were f**king incredible!) to know what’s out there. I also know that my fiance is the best lover I’ve ever had and I know that I don’t ever want to be with anyone but him. You can experiment with your girlfriend all you want but I think you’re still going to wonder what another woman would be like. Every lover is different… everything they do is different… the way they kiss you, they way they touch you, the way they move with you. No two lovers are the same. Being with other women isn’t going to “teach” you how to be better in bed. The sex will feel good physically but it might not feel good emotionally. Which is more important to you?