I’d like to begin this post with a short disclaimer:
As you’ll understand when you read this post, I’m aware that what I’ve been feeling and thinking of over the past few days is morally reprehensible.
Those of you looking to pass judgment are free to do so, of course. All I ask is that you offer some form of constructive advice. I’m sure I’m not the only doper to have ever felt this way, so to those of you who’ve gone through this – I’d like to hear about it.
Close on 2 ½ years ago, I hooked up with a friend. We were both single at the time, both attracted to each other, and took the plunge with reckless abandon. The sex was the best we both ever had, but more pertinently, the connection between us was cerebral rather than physical or emotional. We were both highly driven and accomplished at what we do, we enjoyed the same music, the same books, the same fucking drinks for Christ’s sake. We could talk for hours at stretch without getting bored, and everything felt natural .This went on for about 3 months, till one day she broke up with me pretty fucking cold-bloodedly without the benefit of a viable reason for doing so. Every relationship has a little hiccup in the early stages that becomes a moment of truth – those couples that get past it usually have great relationships, but a lot of couples don’t make it. We became a statistic for the latter.
Anyway, I was pissed and we didn’t speak for a while, but I eventually decided that I didn’t want to hold a grudge, so a few months later when she called, we pretended like those three months never happened. She was grateful, and has since mentioned to me that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake she’d ever made. She’s halfway across the globe in London now and we’re in touch through email, msn, or the phone maybe once a month or so. Emotionally and otherwise, I’d completely moved on within a couple of months, give or take.
A year ago I started seeing this wonderful girl. She’s bright, funny, attractive, and one of the most genuine and caring people I’ve ever met. We started dating only a month or so after we met, and have been seeing each other for about fifteen months now. This one is a keeper, people. We love each other a great deal, and will probably go the distance in a couple of years.
Here’s where the problem starts.
I’ve been feeling a little burnt out at work over the last few months, and I have my boss’ blessing to take a holiday. I’d love to see Europe, but my girlfriend can’t come, so I was thinking of going alone, and trudging across Italy, France and Spain, using London as home base. The ex and I are friends now – by unspoken arrangement we have decided to be buddies – and she’s offered to put me up at her place in London (spare room), and since she’s also taking a break, she decided that us and a couple of friends take this trip together.
Practically, it’s a great idea. I’d be in company I enjoy, and the ex has done this trip before, so I wouldn’t have to endure tourist pitfalls along the way.
Practically.
The problem is that odds are she’ll make a move – don’t ask me how I know this, but please accept that I’m right.
And this is where I’m losing sleep, because I’m tempted to say yes when the situation presents itself. It would probably be two weeks of unbelievably fan-fucking-tastic sex all over Europe, and I feel like a kid in a candy store just thinking about it simply because there would be no strings attached. I’m just dying to get this out of my system, but I’m aware of how morally reprehensible this is. I don’t know which way I’d jump when it actually happens, but right now I’m seeing it as one of the perks of the trip. If I was single, then it wouldn’t even be a question – it’d be win-win all the way. I guess I’m afraid that it would break my girlfriend’s heart if she ever found out, and she’d break up with me. More importantly though, even if she never found out, I’d never be able to look at myself in the mirror again, which I’m assuming would make shaving every morning a real bitch.
I feel so cowardly and sleazy it makes me want to gag. I’ve always lived my life on the up and up, and this is something I’d probably never be able to forgive myself for if it happened.
I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know why I’m posting this. It just felt like I needed to get this off my chest, and thought the boards was the best place to do it.