I wrote in a separate thread about the deterioration of my relationship, a relationship with a woman I thought was the kindest, most honest, most decent person I’d ever met. When she broke up with me she told me that she just didn’t have time for a relationship between job stress and her family, and it would definitely be a long time before she could even consider another one. I asked her to be honest with me and I didn’t think she’d ever lie.
Two weeks after our breakup, I finally got around to logging back in to the online dating site we met on, for the first time since our relationship started. I’ve been slowly purging our electronic correspondence/connections, and the last piece was the conversations we had on the site.
You know where this is going - she reactivated her profile not three days after she dumped me. Updated photos, some new profile bits, the whole nine yards. She’s clearly looking. I was incredibly hurt and sent kind of a nasty sarcastic message to her right before deleting my account. I thought that would make me feel better but I’m not sure it did.
I know she doesn’t owe me anything. I just can’t believe she can move on from me in three days. I am not sure how to process this.
Sorry bro. There’s no particular way anyone is supposed to feel. I think most, maybe all of us would feel seriously betrayed. As for processing it, a couple of days of feeling hurt, then strip club. You do have to consider that she might have been trying to spare your feelings. Not trying real hard or anything, but this kind of thing is common in break ups. I’d suggest after taking some time to heal and go to strip clubs that you find a real trophy girlfriend and make sure she finds out about it.
Maybe, but she really hasn’t been trying to spare anything. I never thought she had the capacity to be so downright unkind. I shipped her back the stuff she’d left at my place and she broke our no contact by sending me a text saying, basically, “thanks for my stuff but where is my shampoo?” I don’t know whether I should be more upset that I was wrong about her, or that she’s doing these things.
I hope I get to the point where I don’t care if she finds out or not. But I’m not there yet.
What would you have her rather say? I don’t love you anymore so I’m leaving to find someone better?
I know you’re going to say “Yes I do because then she would be honest”.
But you really don’t.
It’s easier to be heartbroken and mad at her for lying to you than heartbroken and feeling bad because you failed in the relationship (not true btw, but it’s what you’ll feel).
Good Job deleting the dating account that you know she’s on. Start a new one on a new one and try your hardest to move on. It’ll take a while (a long time prolly) but you have to just keep on keepin’ on and do what you can to move on.
Well you’re right that it feels like I’d rather she were just honest. Maybe I’m fooling myself. I just have no clear answers at all. She was definitely pulling away for a while but kept insisting that everything is okay, everything is okay, we can fix any of our issues, until suddenly, literally over three days, nothing was okay and we were unfixable. So I sort of clung to, yeah, maybe she’s just too stressed out/busy right now.
I should be happy, right? I should be happy. But I’m not.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, Splines. It’s easy to say, “Better alone than in a relationship with the wrong person”, and it’s true, but I know it doesn’t feel good.
You are idealizing her. There must have been things she did that annoyed you. Write them all down and keep reading them. It’s easy to despair of ever meeting anyone with the same qualities you liked about her. But believe me, you will.
I’m really sorry. It sounds like a completely shitty situation.
However you feel is the right way to feel. Don’t make it worse by denying yourself the right to feel whatever you feel.
I’ve never had a bad breakup with a romantic partner, but I’ve had to end important relationships in my life before, and one way I dealt with it is by making a lot of playlists. I know that sounds lame but music can be really validating if it’s angry and angsty enough. You’re allowed to be angry. It’s a protective emotion and getting in touch with your anger could prevent you from taking this out on yourself.
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I think it’s shitty what she is doing, but not terribly uncommon these days. It’s easy to hide behind the computer and break things off rather have a face-to-face talk. I got dumped via email after a 2 year relationship. It sucks. But it’s also very telling about the kind of person that would handle things that way. Give yourself time to put things into perspective and let your heart heal. Trust me … in time you will see things much more clearly.
She could also be on the dating site to date. Some people leave a relationship because they legitimately don’t want a relationship - they are looking for more casual.
Yes, sometimes those become serious over time, but right now she could just want to date, and maybe connect casually with someone.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Feels like everything is collapsing around me. I’m having so much trouble focusing at work and I’m probably on thin ice. Just so tired of living.
She claims she refuses to date casually (because she’s a single mom), but maybe she was lying about that too, I don’t know anymore.
An unfortunate reality is that by the time someone gets around to breaking up with you, they’ve been thinking about it for some time. You may feel like this is sudden, but she has probably had time to get used to the idea. It’s not that she is instantly over you, it’s just that she started the process earlier, well before the breakup.
Online dating doesn’t mean she is looking for a relationship. She may be looking for something even more casual than dating. She may just want to browse. She may want the ego boost from getting messages.
Or maybe she is looking for a relationship. Another unfortunate truth is that “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” usually means “I’m not looking for a relationship right now…with you.” That’s not easy to swallow, but the sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you’ll be ready to find someone who does want to be with you.
There is a book that I cannot recommend enough-- “It’s called a Breakup because it’s Broken”. I really recommend you find a copy. It’s enormously helpful in these situations.
Wait, is this the same woman whose kid you didn’t like? You’re kidding about feeling conflicted, right? You should be dancing in the streets in celebration.
I guess. Yes, it was a challenge for me, but we had been working through a plan to spend more time together with her kid, that we could sort of grow together, and she was okay with that. Then suddenly, it wasn’t okay anymore. I always told her I would do whatever she wanted: move in with her, be a part of her kid’s life, always treat her kid kindly and fairly despite my personal feelings on what’s appropriate behavior - those are all within my power. I never, ever treated her kid with any kind of disdain or disrespect, even when I thought she was being unreasonable (although I was chastised a few times by the ex for “looking miserable”). Ultimately, the sticking point was she didn’t think I would genuinely enjoy that life, and that would put too much pressure on her to carry the relationship. And she might have been right, but I didn’t know what else to give her. I gave her everything I could. I was willing to try anything to be with her.
So yeah, I have my flaws. Maybe we were broken. But I tried. I just thought she’d need more than three days to jump right back in the saddle.
