Confused with current relationship ...

I almost feel like this should be posted in an “Ask Alice” type of advice column, but I figure the broader scope of individuals and, thus, experiences and insight found here would be much more helpful… In case you haven’t figured it out… this is a relationship-type question.

As is commonly said, and I have been told by many women, women are not consistent and can tend to be unpredictable, and of course moody. As my sister puts it “women are insane”. None of that is meant mean-spiritedly, but as a sort of light-hearted lead-up to my question…

That said, I’ve been dating a woman now for about 1.5 months. In the very beginning, or toward the beginning, of course, things were very very great… alot of affection given on both sides, etc… At the time, she made a comment… on a couple occasions that at the time I thought quirky but extremely unlikely… She said “I hope you don’t get tired of me”. At another time, she said in an email to me “I’m so glad you put up with me”. That was a little more understandable as she had shown by that time how she doesn’t do well with the whole misdirected anger thing… she tends to lash out at people unresponsible for her frustration… that sorta thing.

Now, some weeks later, I’m staying with her for the time being… just starting a new job in a new area and I need to make some money before I can move out and get into my own place (and this is relevant because it might have something to do with the situation… or it might not).

I’ve noticed, steadily, over time that she’s become less and less affectionate, less personal and less intimate. She’s given no verbal indication that she’s lost interest in the relationship, but compared to how she was for the first few weeks, it’s like an on/off switch has been flipped.

It used to be that if I had to leave to go back to my home (we lived across a state border from each other) for any reason, she couldn’t wait for me to get back. Now I wonder if she cares if I’m there at all or not. We can go hours sitting 2’ from each other and not say a word… she’s doing her thing… I’m doing mine. And it feels wierd.

Yet, when I address this to her, she seems surprised and rather indignant… As though she can’t understand why I feel that way and will give an answer that sorta answers the problem… but doesn’t really resolve it, mainly because her behavior has changed so drastically.

I’m verging on pulling back myself and not making any effort to show any affection either… to see if she responds … if at all. If she says anything… or starts showing more effort/interest again… etc.

My question is… Is this normal in any capacity? In the past, the women i’ve dated have been very much the opposite… very affectionate, very warm and very much wanting me around constantly. Even if I was in the same room, if I was anywhere but next to them, they made quick work of changing that. It was actually suffocating in one situation.

Is it possible that my current girlfriend is just someone who’s perfectly calm and at peace to be in the same room as her bf… doesn’t need to be cuddling/affectionate at all times… or at all, basically? Could it be that because we’re around each other so much now that she’s simply used to me being there? And finally… is it possible that she’s just perhaps not someone who’s a warm/affectionate person by nature?

I mean… I sense a difference in how she’s acting. Very much so… But is it possible that this is really just how she is and there’s nothing necessarily wrong?

This is a new sorta situation to me and I don’t know how to proceed. I’m not comfortable with it at this point… Any insight or advice would be quite appreciated.

Thanks :slight_smile:

To expand on a couple things I said in the first post…

When I say “not being affectionate at all times” - I don’t mean constantly. I mean within reason. An occasional kiss… holding hands, etc. Things like that.

I’m not looking to smother her or to be smothered here… just wanted to make sure it’s understood that I’m not one of those people who needs constant reassurance or attention. Not even close.

Thanks again.

Take her at her word, and if you like her the way she is, stay, and if you don’t leave.

If this is how she “really is”, then you’ll screw things up by trying to figure out her game, and if it IS a game, you will just encourage that sort of game playing if you put all sorts of energy and attention into what she’s getting at. If she has something she wants you to know, let her tell you.

The OP is really searching for some shared experiences rather than the answer to our classic General Question.

Moved to IMHO.


Break up with this woman.

Don’t play games by withholding affection to see if she comes around, don’t have long involved talks about how you want her to be, just go. To have the situation you describe at 1.5 months is a near-guarantee of misery if you try to force things.

Your instincts are telling you something isn’t right, and you should listen to them.

I second Giraffe. It’s only been a month and a half. That is way too early to be having these types of problems. I don’t suggest head games either, that’s always a recipie for disaster. Of course, the whole “staying with her” thing could also be a big factor. Her behavior changed when you moved in with her? Maybe she’s freaking out about living together so soon, even though it’s only temporary. Living with someone is a helluva lot different than just dating them, especially after only a month and a half.

I’m inclined to agree with Giraffe.

I recently heard a comment from a young woman, a very busy med student, moaning about the effort required to get involved with a new boyfriend. “I wish we could skip the whole new relationship energy stage and get straight to the part where he comes over to watch me sleep.”

If you like a fair amount of cuddling and she’s indifferent, that’s a big delta to encounter at 6 weeks and it’ll drive you nuts eventually.

You’re living together? That would take the problems to a whole new level. Moving in with someone after a few weeks is what I like to refer to as A Bad Decision. If she’s starting to freeze up, maybe she’s having second thoughts. If you are living together, you moving out doesn’t have to mean breaking up the relationship. Maybe you could live separately, and date.

Trust me, it ain’t gonna get better. Consider yourself lucky she pulled this BEFORE you married her.

Well, that just sounds plain old misogynistic. Let me guess, you’re just a “nice guy” who’s had lots of painful experience with bitches that fuck you over for no reason other than women are just bitches. Right?

Um, no. Thanksforplaying herearesomelovelypartinggifts.

Let me guess, you tend to jump to conclusions and are a spiteful, angry person, right?

I guess I have a slightly different take on the matter. I’m quite comfortable sitting in the same room with my husband - him watching TV and me sewing or reading - and not really having a conversation. Maybe a comment on something on TV if he thinks I’d be interested, or I’ll remember something I wanted to tell him. If you are comfortable with someone, you don’t have to be right up under them every second to show you care.

On the other hand, if things have changed so much you feel frozen out - or if you’re just not comfortable with things the way they’re going, then it might be time to get out.

Does this lack of affection extend to the bedroom?

Nah, I’ve just heard many variations on the theme, to where I can now spot 'em a mile away.

How does “it doesn’t get any better, just be glad you didn’t marry her?” even fit into the OP at all? It sounded to me like maybe you’re just very bitter about women. If you’re not, that’s awesome. If you are, meh. Whatever.

My guess was that he had married a chick like this and it obviously didn’t work out.

You did seem to jump to conclusions a little quickly.

Dude, she’s just not that into you. You moved into a very close-quarters situation in a very short period of time. You didn’t get a chance to see 100 Things About Each Other and Decide You’re Willing To Put Up With the 10 Things You Hate. Now, she’s seen like 25 things about you and she probably hates half of them. No biggie. Move on, my friend. You’ll be glad you did.

Going back to the OP: “My question is… Is this normal in any capacity?” then I’d say yes, there are many variations in the amount of affection women want from a partner, from absolutely none to constant lovin’!

But the question you need to be asking is “Is this what I want from a relationship?”

The fact that you’ve posted here to get other people’s advice indicates that the answer to this second question is “No”.

I think the issue could be temporary - you are staying with her until you’re settled in your new job so she’s having to share her house with someone she really doesn’t know that well. Also, she may be a more introverted person and as such, require time to herself to re-charge her batteries. I’d advise moving out as soon as you can, and seeing what effect that has on her behaviour.

All the best!


Did you read the OP? “…not comfortable with it at this point.” The GF in this case may or may not be a person that has reached that point in the relationship where she doesn’t feel the need to show affection, but it seems (to me) that lupine73 is NOT at this point and doesn’t really want to be in a relationship where they can sit on the couch for hours on end without acknowledging each other. I’m not exactly the only one here that thought this spelled trouble - it could be a big freak-out about the moving in, it could be she’s trying to cool things down, it could be she’s just like this and still feels the same giddy love she did a month ago. Doesn’t matter at this point, there is something wrong and lupine73 needs to recognize it and figure out where the problem is - with him or her. If she’s just like this, and he figures that out now, he can base decisions on a clearer vision of what the future holds. If she would have continued the overly affectionate thing that was going on earlier for a year or so, and then suddenly became like this after the honeymoon, then he’d be freaking out like this but suddenly it’s a wife rather than a girlfriend and that is a MUCH more difficult relationship to get out of (especially if there is property and/or children involved) and you still don’t really know what’s going on in her head so maybe everything is fine and he’s freaking for no reason…
Is that better? Does that make me sound slightly less bitter? Sounds worse, to me, but I’m here to please. :wink:

I don’t even want to touch that “spot 'em a mile away” line…

lupine73, give it a little more time. It really could be the living together thing is way too soon, and getting out of her place might help out. Mention it and see how she reacts - her being a little relieved or excited doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble, but it’s a good sign as to what the problem might be. Of course, if you really have no place to go, don’t lie to her about leaving just to get a response.
Just a guess, but it sounds to me like everything is fine as far as she’s concerned, but your expectations should count as well. SnakesCatLady is in a great relationship with this behaviour being normal, and who could really maintain that early relationship giddiness without being kind of creepy?

Hmm… I guess the only advice I can come up with (besides “don’t marry her until you know for sure”) is - “Don’t play games to try to get a response.”

And sorry for hijacking your thread. I really hope things work out for you.

ARGH! Messed up my coding. :smack:

I’m not sure if it’s a “problem”…

I mean, I do know it’s a problem with some people when I do it. But I don’t think she’s necessarily colder. She may simply be - comfy. Comfy makes me sleepy (so I’m less likely to initiate anything). Comfy means I go back into my usual introspective behavior - I’m terribly bubbly when I’m nervous and a volcano when angry, but very quiet normally. This may be the case here. You need to be reminded that she likes you more often than she needs it - to her, the fact that you are there already says you want to be there.

Bring it up with her. She may be able to just make a mental note to look up at you and smile now and then or something like that… and if the problem is something else, then the sooner it’s brought into the light the better.

Relationships generally become less cuddlypoo after awhile, more so when you move in together. By moving up the process you’ve generally thrown a wrench into the whole system and it’s no wonder she’s freaking out. You still think of it as a “new relationship,” while she obviously thinks of it as a “settled relationship.”

Also, some people are just not very physically affectionate by nature. Personally, I hate having to do the whole cuddlypoo thing 24/7 and am glad when the first heated months of a relationship are over leading to the stage where we can just sit next to each other reading or whatever, without all the mindgame shit.

And even when you do love someone, that doesn’t always mean you want them in your house. I am a very introverted person and need lots of time alone, even when I lived with my SO. Having people around constantly makes me totally shut down. It is possible that while you two were going out (as in, out of the house), she was just putting on her “best face” like a lot of introverts do but we can’t play-act all the time. Give her some time to adjust to a new person being in the house.

But I guess that if what you really want is an extroverted party girl who will dote on you all the time, you should probably cut bait.