Confused with current relationship ...

In My Humble Opinion
21

Or she is that into you, but is a head case who does the “lets see if I can drive this one away and then blame him, then I’ll have another good reason to confirm my negativity about men” - and that may not be intentional, it may be how she “tests love.” But after six weeks, I wouldn’t put up with that shit.

Women who have been hurt sometimes cut their losses by getting hurt early - accidentally on purpose - then blaming the guy. They feel miserable, but less miserable than they’d feel when you dump them after six months, and they get the elation from being right about men all along. The thing is, it isn’t your responsibility to fix the hurt - you can’t, its something she’d need to do.

22

I dunno. If I were the girl, the only way I could survive having you stay with me would be to act as if you weren’t there - preferably in a different room! But admittedly, I wasn’t like that nearly as much in my twenties and early thirties. And a month and a half is a little on the brief side for the “stars in your eyes” stage of the relationship.

Above all, I urge you to waste no time in moving out, even if it means borrowing money to do it. There’s nothing like living together too soon to kill what might have turned out to be a good relationship. It doesn’t sound as if it’s beyond redemption at this point, but every day you stay is another drop in the bucket.

23

Hey all

Wow thanks for all the feedback :slight_smile:

I have learned a bit more about her, in a short time span, since I posted that.

As it turns out, it is just “how she is”… however, it’s not “all good” necessarily.

Basically, she and I are both gamers. She plays one MMORPG, which I play in certain spurts, but mostly play a different one, and have other interests. She plays constantly, I mean… it’s pretty much her life and, as I’ve learned, actually caused her to flunk out of school and give up a job at one point in the past (long before we met). So it’s an addiction thing I think.

Another thing I learned, because I did finally say something. I’m just that type. I’ll play along and sorta take things in stride for a time, then I have to say something and find out what’s going on. So, I addressed it to her, very calmly, in a concerned - not angry or hostile - tone. I’m all about discussing things. Yelling at/Arguing with someone is the quickest way to guarantee they’re not listening to you in my experience. Well, another thing I learned about her… She doesn’t try to resolve issues… she tries to win them. And, discussing it basically involved her avoiding the key issues and instead nit-picking at certain details, or trying to turn the issue around, back on me.

She said, flat out, that the reason she didn’t talk more was because she just didn’t care, has “absolutely zero interest” - to quote her - in anything I’m interested in, so she has no interest in hearing about it, nor discussing it. This includes asking about how I like my new job, etc… “because I don’t know, nor care anything about website design. Ssssorry.” This, in particular upset me…

Eventually, she turned to trying to change the entire direction altogether to the fact that she’d wanted to go to sleep “for an hour”, and I wasn’t letting her; a fact she brought up out of the blue 3/4 the way through the argument. My guess she was looking for a quick and easy out.

Basically, I’ve learned she doesn’t do conflict very well, doesn’t acknowledge her actions very gracefully, and tries her damndest to “win”, making sarcastic remarks, using my own words, out of context, as ammunition to throw back at me. Selective hearing. The whole nine. Thing about me is I call BS when I see it, so none of it was flying.

Was talking to her sister last night (actually I’m staying with her, her sister and her mom) and the sister confided that she and her mom both have both asked her “Is everything okay between you two? Do still care about him?” She’s said “yes, I do”. And their response has been “Then show him! He’s going to get tired of you sitting there playing your game, ignoring him, and he’s going to leave. He’s a good guy. We like him and we’re going to be extremely pissed at you if you just brush him off like that”. (btw: very flattering to me to hear that… and at the same time, kinda sad… her mom and sister cares whether I’m there more than my girlfriend does). Mind you… they’ve said this to her long before I ever brought it up. I didn’t know those conversations had taken place. In all, her sister basically confirmed everything that I’ve said… right down to how she handles issues… or doesn’t… depending on how you look at it.

So… in the end… I don’t know. I don’t see it lasting very long. She’s got herself 100% into this game, she’s completely unapologetic about it and, actually, won’t even acknowledge that it might be a problem … though she’s already proven that she’ll let it screw up things in her life in the past. It seems more to me like she’s got her own set of problems going on, and I’m kinda just riding on this parallel track that might sometimes criss-cross with hers. I’ve also learned a couple things about myself… I don’t need to be smothered and shown absolute adoration from sunrise to sundown… but I do like to feel that I’m acknowledged and appreciated. And… I really value the ability for someone to be able to discuss and resolve an issue… not turn it into an argument.

Anyways… take that for what you will. I think I’m seeing the writing on the wall. She’s not making any effort to acknowledge anything I’ve said, nor anything she’s been doing… so I don’t expect it’s going to change.

24

I’m not going to give you a hard time. I just want to say that this is the best username/post combination I’ve seen in a long time.

25

Oh… and to further elaborate on the “no interest in things I talk about”. She uses those specific things (website design, etc) as examples… but in fact, she’s not interested in talking about anything outside the game she’s playing. Which of course, removes all “umph” from her statement… especially because (and I pointed this out to her) back when we first were dating… the first few weeks we talked about everything. So, she tried using the “well I guess we just don’t have anything in common, then,.” Again… I called BS on that.

26

I think the writing is on the wall and the sooner you are out the better for both of you. Why waste your time or hers? Ten minutes ago wouldn’t be soon enough to end this.

27

Talk. To. Her.

28

How many hours a day does she spend playing these games? It sounds like she has an unhealthy obsession with them if that’s ALL she wants to talk about. Then again, it is possible that she’s escaping the stress of living with another person in the house (because it IS stressful, very much so, especially if her mother and sister are also there and are not as introverted, which creates tension) by delving wholesale into these games. I second the suggestion to Talk. To. Her. A lot.

29

:wink:

30

Well, we met originally through the game itself. I recently moved close to her, right over the border of a neighboring state and so we made it a point to meet in person… and from there things had just sorta clicked.

She’s been playing it at least 2 years (about as long as it’s been out) and, like I said, the period where she was just not going to class (college) and had stopped working - so she could play the game exclusively - was some time ago, long before she and I even knew each other.

The thing is, me moving in there was an idea co-suggested by her and her mom both… because I was tryign to find work in the area I’d moved to and was having no luck. They suggested looking up in their area since it’s a larger city with much more going on. Of course, at the time, she was absolutely ecstatic about it. At that time, of course, if I had to leave to go back to my place for any amount of time (a day or more) she was already wanting me to come back to her… like… “yesterday”.

She’s extremely hooked on the game, to say the least. She wakes up, it’s the first thing she does. When she goes to bed, it’s the last thing she’s done. She’ll wake up in the middle of the night, to go to the bathroom, and will stop to check on her “shops” to see if she’d sold anything. She’ll be up 'til 4 in the morning, having to get up 3 hours later for school, sometimes deciding to just skip the class instead (of course, she’s completely cranky when she does and it becomes everyone else’s problem that she didn’t get to sleep earlier). She’s been known to yell at people and slam doors for waking her too early saying “I was up 'til 3 this morning playing Lineage! I’ve hardly slept!” As though that’s a perfectly good reason to be throwing attitude. I don’t know if she realizes just how screwed-up that sounds. The only time she’ll pull away from it is if she has to go out somewhere, has homework to do, is sleeping or watching something on TV. So I’d say about 75%-80% of the time she’s home is spent on the game… having interest in nothing else. She gets instantly pissed off if she’s interrupted or has to be pulled away from it. I’ve asked her if she wanted to go somewhere with me or do something and the answer was “No” because she didn’t want to stop playing.

By the way, I’m not the only person she does alot of this to… She does it to her sister and mom also, and apparently always had even before I met her. So it’s not only directed at me.

In all, the only thing keeping me from ending it right now is that it’s a very awkward situation if I do. I’m in her house. I’m currently set up next to her (computer wise). They have a guest room… but they have family that comes in to town regularly that uses that… so I couldn’t move into that 'til I get an apt. So… as much as I would certainly break things off… I kinda feel like I don’t have much choice atm but to just grin and bear it.

Just a wierd, wierd situation.

31

I’m usually loathe to suggest this, but it’s time to get that girl some help. Or at least pull the damn computer out of the wall. Maybe the reason that she “doesn’t care” about your work is that she doesn’t work herself, so she can’t appreciate it. She may even be jealous of you for being a real adult and taking out her jealousy by pretending not to care. If you don’t feel up to the task of weaning her off the game then leave, but not before discussing the option. Aren’t her mother and sister worried about the amount of time she spends gaming? Have they suggested that she cut back or get a job or other interests that don’t involve a computer? (Or miniature wizard statues.) It’s normal to not want to be around your SO all the time, but it’s NOT normal to spend every waking hour staring at a computer screen. I’m sorry I misinterpreted the situation; I thought she was just an introverted person with normal focus on her own activities but now I really think that she is obsessive.

Shit, I am ever so glad I never got into online gaming. I’ve heard so many horror stories like this.

32

Well, I’m an avid onling gamer, too… and, many of those games, by virtue of the activities in them, require a degree of time to really make progress in. But in my case, I’ll play for a time, get tired of it and go do something else… go out, read a book… work on teaching myself animation, etc. etc. But yes, people have actually starved themselves to death because they couldn’t tear themselves away.

The games in themselves are not terrible. They’re quite entertaining and you can meet some really great people, etc. However like everything else - in moderation.

What gets me about her is that she’s been through that. She’s done the whole “flunked out of school” thing… and acknowledges it as a screw-up… I guess she figures as long as she does okay now with school… all is good. Even if she’s neglecting other aspects of her life entirely.

This is all arm-chair psycho-analysis… but yeah, any layman could recognize it as a problem.

Her mom/sister haven’t intervened more than telling her she needs to pull back a bit because, well… she’s an adult. She’s 27 and they respect her as such. They are concerned, though. She’s allowing a relationship to completely fizzle out and I don’t think she even would care… I think she’d play it up as “oh well, if he can’t accept me for how I am then I’m better off. He should have spent more time playing with me”. She has displayed that ability to twist and distort reality to suit her, so I’m sure that’s what she would do when I do call it quits.

What gets me is that she prioritizes her life where game > relationship. I actually asked her, only half rhetorically, why she has a boyfriend? She’s putting no effort or energy into the relationship at all.

There was a period in my life where I was playing a game like that alot… I didn’t neglect the rest of my life and I did actually go out, etc. But I also recognized that my time, at that time, was far too valuable to me and i wasn’t ready to share it with someone else. So, I didn’t pursue any relationships. I knew I wouldn’t be available enough for someone and it wouldn’t be fair.

I’m wondering if she just needs to come to that same conclusion in her life at this time. If she’s not ready to share her time or life with anyone but a game… then she shouldn’t be inviting others into it until she is.

33

Man, you’re not exactly winning me over here.

I was in a relationship once where after six months I noticed a distinct cooling from her end, more than could be explained from just “feeling comfortable with the relationship.” Hell, I couldn’t be sure even still liked me. She claimed that she loved me just as much as ever, but all I knew was that I miserable.

So I got the hell out. If I can assume she was telling me the truth that she still loved me (which I can’t), what kind of love was that? Not one I wanted to be a part of.

At some point, you need to trust your gut.

34

Oh, I trust my gut. Though, circumstances have changed as I’ve learned some new details, as I’ve outlined here.

I went into the situation feeling there was something wrong “between us”. I’d done something wrong… or she’d begun to feel differently.

It’s becoming more apparent that it’s really more the case of her having issues with addiction/borderline addiction to a game, with time nor interest for anything else (that she doesn’t have to), her boyfriend included.

And of course, there’s the awkwardness of me having to stay in their home for now until I can get a place of my own. So it’s all a big mess.

Believe me, when I clearly see the ship sinking, I’m the first one off… no second warning needed. It’s just a more complicated situation this time.

35

Ugh. Sounds like my ex. He was hooked on Everquest (a.k.a. “Evercrack”) It will not get better. He got fired from 2 jobs because he was perpetually late and absent because of the game. I ended up going out to clubs with his sister because he wouldn’t get off of the damn game. I left his apartment numerous times because I was tired of being ignored and he never came after me. We were together 2 years, I was supposedly his “dream girl,” yet it was about 80% of the reason I dumped him. Essentially, he chose the damn game over me.

It will not get better. If she stops playing this one, she’ll find another. It’s not the game, it’s the personality. She’s not going to change.

Find an apartment as quickly as you possibly can and get the hell out of there, “like, yesterday”

36

Well, is her mother supporting her? If so, I’d say it’s her business. She’s 27 years old. Like you said, she’s an adult. Time to quit sucking at mommies teat. It’s time for her to turn off the damn game, get a job and start supporting herself. Her mother is perfectly within her rights to tell her this, that is, unless she wants her 50 year old daughter living in the basement spending all her time playing a computer game.

37

They’re all adults - mom, sister, and girlfriend. Yes, we may have a problem with the way she lives, but when push comes to shove, it’s her life and if she’s able to make it work, then she’s perfectly entitled - not only legally, but morally. I prefer my computer game to socializing too, although I don’t spend nearly as much time with it as she does (and mine comes from a box, rather than the Internet).

If the mom wants her to change, she should stop enabling her daughter to live like a little girl. But mom is an adult too, and she can surely recognize that if daughter had to work for a living, she would have less time to game, and that making her pay rent or move out would make her have to work. So ultimately, she is choosing to let her daughter remain a child - again, her choice and her business.

I DO continue to recommend you get out ASAP, Lupine, despite whatever financial inconvenience it may entail. You know this relationship has no potential, and that sounds like a hideous situation for all.
Btw, why don’t you date the sister? :smiley:

38

Sorry, lupine73, I misunderstood the gist of your OP. I was coming from a “should I stay with her” slant rather than a “what do I do now” slant.

39

Well, things have moved forward, yet again… a little bit.

She and her sister have talked about it and the sister said to her “you can’t treat people like that”. She (my girlfriend) admitted that she realized what she was doing was wrong, but insisted that it’s just that she’s extremely tired, going to school full-time and having a rather difficult course (Physics) in a summer semester, which apparently is 1/3 the length of a normal semester, with a class every day… so it’s that much more “intense”. She also said she didn’t even realize she’d been acting that way.

Her mother pulled me aside and, not in a mean or threatening way, said “Just go easy on her… we all know she’s half-idiot” (of course, she didn’t mean that literally). And then she reitterated the part about her being in a rough class, and how draining it is on her.

Okay… so, that’s fine. She’s busy in school, her mind is melting when she gets home… I can understand that. I respect that.

I still don’t understand what that has to do with her spending virtually every other waking moment of the day/night wanting to do nothing but play a game instead of do something, at least sometimes with her boyfriend.

She has started talking more at least, and being a bit more open even while playing (since talking to her sister about it). But… there’s still the fact that I’m sitting there watching her play a game when I’d really love to be doing something with her. Go out… watch a movie… do anything. The only way I get to spend time with her is to sit there and watch her play her game, or of course, play with her, which only adds more fuel to the fire and I have no desire to do. I’ve spent more than enough of my own time playing those games - when I was single. I’m not single anymore and I’d rather like to share my time with that person now.

So, hey… it’s her life. She’s an adult and she’s going to do what she wishes. Apparently just sitting there with me next to her while she plays a game and I do whatever is perfectly fine for her. She’s perfectly content. I’d like something more out of a relationship. So, I don’t see it going on much longer.

Thanks again, by the way, for all the feedback/opinions everyone :). Very appreciated.

40

Sounds like she acts that way because her mom and sister enable her. Damn, talk about making excuses.

Oooooh, she’s taking a hard summer class! Poor her! Is she working? Have rent to pay? Does she have other commitments besides school taking up her time? No? Just school and the game? How ever does she manage to juggle that busy schedule?! That poor little baby! :rolleyes:

Ugh. The sooner you can get away from this one the better, methinks.