Relationship question

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m about half awake so here’s what happened.

I’ve been talking to this woman I like. She’s nice, but moody sometimes. Last night she was at the fair. I text her. She responds crankily. She said she was feeling cranky so I gave her some space. Figured she’d text me later when she was in a better mood, didn’t sleep well the night before, plus I didn’t want to bug her at the fair. In a previous relationship, well I didn’t quite understand boundaries as much. I really like her and I don’t want to make the same mistakes you know?

Well later I’m going to bed, and thought I’d say good night. She said she thought I went to bed already because I wasn’t chatting her up. She said she’d already been home from the fair for hours (two from my own understanding, but who knows?). I point out I was over at my friend’s house and didn’t want to bug her at the fair. She said she’d been home a while, and I “already said good night, so good night.”

I didn’t want to make the previously mentioned same mistakes again. She gets all mad and tells me I keep saying that over and over and over again. Where as I remembering telling it to her twice, this being the second.

At this point I don’t know what to do, and she’s very clingy it feels like so my introvert self is drained to blahness anyway. I say “well goodnight then”. I just didn’t know what else to do.
Now she hasn’t talked to me all day. I’ve texted her a few times, but what the heck happened? I feel bad, but I also feel mad. She gets moody like that, and doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t have ESP, oh and I shouldn’t guess either according to her. Short of becoming Charles Xavier…
I really like her, when she’s not moody she’s very sweet, and I think she’s very smart, but I don’t like these situations. They don’t feel good at all. When she calms down she gets sociable again. As I type this I think she’s trying to making up.I have these mixed feelings between wanting to tell her she’s the prettiest woman in the world, and being mad. Cold, silent, I’m not talking to you mad.

You ever been in situation like this? Is it normal? Did you work it out, or did you break up?

Any possible experiences, insights as to what’s going on?

2

I guess I’m just really frustrated. She’s talked about her big ex lots. So if my few times are a big problem there’s some cognitive dissonance on what’s okay there.

I would just like to talk it out. Talking it out is good. It lets me know what happened so I can avoid it in the future, but nope.

3

DTMFA. She sounds like high maintenance, in the very least.

4

Run.

5

This is the problem with texting, cell phones and other sorts of 24/7 contact. Sometimes a bad mood is simply a bad mood. So she’s been cranky. So back off for a day or two. Then talk to her and see how she feels. If she continues to be cranky and doesn’t want to talk like a reasonable person, then you can make the space you want to give her a permanent arrangment.

6

Don’t stick your dick in the crazy. She sounds crazy.

7

No, this is not normal behavior.
It sounds like the behavior of someone who is either very bitchy, very insecure, or has a personality disorder. (Or all three).
You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells just because she is either too stupid or too personality disordered to realize that people sometimes have innocent misunderstandings without there being any malicious intent.

8

Stop texting her!

9

I’m not quite ready to jump on the Crazy Train yet. You said she mentioned she was cranky, but she didn’t say that she wanted you to stop talking to her. There appear to have been some assumptions made on both sides, and it seems possible (POSSIBLE, I say!) that this was just poor communication on both of your parts (and possibly just the fault of the medium you were using to communicate).

But if she’s not willing to talk about it later (like, if it turns out she’s blowing you off intentionally today because she’s pissed off), then you’d be better off directing your attention and affections elsewhere.

10

Did you let her know that you were giving her space d/t crankiness and that’s why you weren’t going to text her for a bit? I mean, before you started not texting her? If not, I can see why she might be a wee bit nonplussed. She confides that she’s having a bad day (or feeling cranky or whatever) and then she just stops hearing from you. In somewomanspeak, that means you’re being a fair weather friend - maybe she needed to unload, but you cut off communication abruptly. That would make my crankiness worse, not better. If someone said/wrote, “I’m sorry you’re feeling cranky…want to talk about it?” I’d feel much better. I might say yes, might say no, but then hearing/reading, “Well, okay. Hope you feel better soon. I don’t want to bother you…text or call me when you get home?” would go over much better.

It’s not always about *increased *communication, as in, being in touch 24/7…it’s increasing *meaningful *communication. Let her know you hear her and are sympathetic, and let her know what your intentions and expectations are. She’s not a mind reader any more than you are.

Of course, it’s entirely possible she’s crazy, too. :smiley:

11

I appreciate this post greatly! I think it’s going to help a lot, thank you!

12

Just so you know, everyone who needs relationship advice on the Dope should break up with their partner, because every partner is crazy or a bitch - unless they’re not, in which case the bitch is you. If you aren’ the subject of the thread, it’s almost comical how many conclusions people are willing to jump to about you and your partner’s character. There are no shades of grey on The Dope, except for rare and treasured creatures like WhyNot, who, for the record, I tend to agree with. I think you both are having some communication issues that may very well be due to over-reliance on texting, but you won’t get very far unless you are 100% clear about why you are taking specific actions. And maybe she totally is a crankysaurus, who knows? But I’d at least try to hash this one out.

13

This part jumped out at me. Remember that her moodiness is part of the whole package, part of who she is. Odds are it won’t get better. For me personally, that sort of thing isn’t something I could live with, it would be a dealbreaker for me for a long-term relationship, because I am fully aware at just what sort of enduring misery it can bring the other party. Just sayin’.

14

You describe her as clingy, but in what you’ve written, I don’t see any evidence of her making any effort to reach out to you. It’s all about you trying to chase after her.

That’s because so many of the people who write in for advice are really just asking for permission to admit to themselves that they’re in a toxic relationship.

15

WhyNot has an excellent point going. I can really relate to the scenario she’s hypothesizing.

I’m in a long distance relationship for much of the year, as well as work a lot, so texting is a huge form of communication for us. When I get overwhelmed, I don’t feel like putting through so much in texts, and it leads to communication issues.

For instance, if I say “I’m not in a good mood right now. I’m fed up with work and all this crap,” it’s sort of an invitation where I want to talk about it. Unfortunately, my SO is more likely to interpret that as “You’re in a bad mood, so I don’t feel like talking to you.”

This, in turn, aggravates me, because I was kinda looking for someone to explain the frustrations to. He’ll text back “Oh, I can tell you don’t wanna talk right now.” It can lead to fights and long phone calls, in our case.

Well, damn, thank you for posting this, btw, because I think I’ve realized what I need to say if this happens again: “Do you mind listening to me for a while?”

Oh, and if you can avoid it–please don’t become too reliant on texting. It can give a horrible feeling of numbness after a while. You lose so much through simple words on a screen…

16

I dunno; I think it feels bad to you, Tao, because what she did wasn’t very nice, and it wasn’t very fair. She tells you she’s cranky, you take that to mean that she wants some space, you give her some space, and she’s mad. You probably felt damned if you do and damned if you don’t with that situation.

I agree that better communication would probably help. My husband and I went through a time when he would get mad at me for taking too long to get ready for something, and I was just puttering because I thought he wasn’t ready. We learned to communicate better about that, and it isn’t a problem any longer (saying things like, “I’m ready to go when you are.” “Okay, I’m just going to go change then I’ll be ready to go.”) Neither of us was trying to piss the other off, or be a jerk - we just didn’t know what the other was expecting.

I would suggest you say some things that might seem obvious, but say them right out to make sure everyone knows what’s going on - “Okay, since you’re cranky, I’ll leave you alone tonight. How about we get together for lunch tomorrow?” If she still pulls “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t” shit after you make an effort to keep things as clear as possible, you might have a problem child on your hands. Don’t believe that popular misconception about women always being right, and guys being expected to read their minds - that is not all women, that is difficult women.

17

I would back away and find someone else to like. No matter how sweet she is, if she’s this moody and difficult at this level of involvement, it’ll be a thousand times worse if you get closer.

18

Oh yeah, that’s another thing I was thinking - this is the best she will EVER treat you. Is it good enough?

19

Yeah, I think the reason that most of the time people on here are told to dump their partners is because usually people only post relationship advice threads here when there is a major problem.

I once dated a really moody guy and in hindsight I don’t know why I bothered to put up with that BS. Why should anyone be in a relationship with someone who can’t act like an adult? It’s such a relief when you date someone who is emotionally stable and doesn’t take every bad mood out on you.

20

Samuel L Jackson can help.