Pitting Girlfriend..lame/typical

The BBQ Pit
1

Grrrrr…

Lame, but gotta this off my chest…

I have a mile long list of complaints about my long time girlfriend/significant other…

But this is one that litterally gets me…

why o why for the love of god does she have to get bitchy/complain/start a fight when I am either:

One, in a very good mood…thus utterly negating the whole experience…

or Two, in a very bad mood /already doing something particularly unpleasant like digging a ditch at high noon or reinstalling windows for the 73rd time…

Hell, even most socially clueless men have enough sense to not irritate the crap outa someone at the “wrong” time

And FYI…with apologies to Seinfeld…the makeup sex aint that great…so that motivation is out…

which brings another peeve…according to her the sex isnt often enough/good enough and/or we don’t go out and “do enough fun stuff”…which might be a legitimate complaint…BUTTT…guess when she’s the bitchiest? The day AFTER some sex or fun…geez frickin louise!!!

Years ago some male sexist pig told me women aren’t happy unless they are bitching…well, I dont know if that holds for the whole gender…but it certainly seems to hold for her…
GRRRRRRRRRR
Bill

2

I foresee this relationship continuing for a long, happily-married time.

3

And she is still your girlfriend because . . . ?

4

Good mood, bad mood – How often are you in a middle-of-the-road mood?

5

Uhhhh…MOST of the time…heard of a bell curve? …though I would have to say that my curve average is displaced somewhat towards moderately good mood…but again, GOOOOD moods and BADDD moods are only a fraction of the overall “mood time”…

And when I am in THOSE moods, it sure a heck doesnt take a mind reader to figure it out…

Pissing someone off in a good mood is just being a jerk (or a b****)

And…seriously…what rational person sees someone in a bad mood and thinks “hmmm he looks pretty pissed, lets poke him in the eye with a sharp stick”?

Honestly… I swear anymore that she is constantly LOOKING for something to complain about or be unhappy about…doesnt matter how trivial it may be either…all “problems” are equivalently and as time goes by increasing “large”

She has a darn good life…the large majority of Americans would gladly be in her position…not to mention virtually the whole rest of the world…dont get me wrong, I have it darn good too…

Ironically…I guess I am complaining about her complaining…I am complaining about her complaining about not having it as good as she would like…

Ughhhh…unfortunately after six years I only see this getting worse and am to the point of bailing out…

Blll

6

Some people want bad stuff during bad moods to get it all over at once. Maybe you could mention to her that you’re not one of those people.

And would you mind using one period, rather than several, to end your sentences? Thanks…

7

To echo Scarlett, why are you still in this? Intertia?

8

I would bet she can sense that you are at the point of bailing out and have been for a while, but she doesn’t know for sure, and it is making her paranoid and bitchy. I became the Horrible Bitch Demon From Beyond The Moon for the last 4 months of my relationship with my fiance (this was several years ago) because I could feel him pulling away and my 22 year old self just couldn’t figure out what was going on. It drove me crazy with anger and paranoia but almost as soon as he got up the balls to actually end it I went back to being my normal self. Within 48 hours I had people noticing that I had completely mellowed and I would be willing to bet the same thing will probably happen to her.

9

Uhhh…let me get this straight…when I get the balls to leave her for being overly bitchy…she will quit being bitchy…and she is being bitchy because she is afraid of me leaving…and she KNOWS (because I’ve told her as much recently) that being bitchy is most likely the reason why I will leave…

womens “logic” like that is what makes men’s brains lockup…

and sorry for the …s

blll

10

Umm, yeah. And you’re complaining about her being slow?

Basically, you’re not interested in her. . . and she knows it. So she’s provoking stuff to bring closure or give more evidence that she’s not just making that up.

When she gets validation of that, things will change significantly.

But it’s not a man/woman thing. It holds true for most people.

If your boss was always displeased with your work but just in a vague, uninterested sort of way for a long time, you might resort to forcing the issue to get an answer. People don’t like to live in ambiguity for long periods of time.

I kinda like them. . . but they’re not actually periods. . . they’re ellipses (I think). It’s a stream of consciousness thing. But I agree that too many of them can be distracting.

And welcome to the Dope! I don’t often recommend that people start their time here in The Pit and especially starting an OP, but you haven’t started to sink yet, so good luck! Perhaps we’ll see more of you in the future.

11

It isn’t “logic”, it is emotional. In my situation I was completely in love with someone who was slowly becoming more distant and stand-offish and it scared me. Nothing I did made it better and I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells. I didn’t want to call it quits because he had never said anything about being unhappy but I had very little other relationship experience so I didn’t know that his pulling away like that was his way of telling me he wasn’t happy. I felt like I was being torn in two and the stress of the situation made me a crazy bitch. Once he finally made his feelings clear and ended it the stress was gone and the bitchiness went with it.

And telling her you are going to leave her for being a bitch but not actually leaving is just going to make the situation worse. Either man up and leave or help her figure out why she is so angry and upset so that she can not be that way anymore. Threatening to leave is the biggest bullshit you can pull in a relationship and it will NEVER make things better, only worse. Imagine if your boss constantly told you that you were going to be fired soon…how stressful would that make your job?

On preview, what Heffalump and Roo said.

12

Uhhh

Its getting late…I’ll more later…but what folks with sigificant input are saying sounds to me like a relationship variation of that old joke…"the beatings will continue until morale improves’

Its fine to be EMOTIONAL…I can drop a real tear on just about anything…and conceptually many things empty my heart so deeply I could probably will myself to death with despair if I tried…

Use emotions as a REASON for a goal…but to use them as tools to achieve that goal…that way lies madness…

night

Blll

13

You need to cut it out with the “uhhh…” preface to each of your replies. I can’t tell what it actually means, but if you talk like that to your girlfriend you can expect that she won’t take kindly to it.

I feel for you, really I do, but your writing style and the content of your posts makes me think you are either very young, not too bright, or an asshole. No more ellipses, no more sarcastic "uhhh"s in your replies, no more calling your girlfriend’s feelings “being bitchy”. Better yet, end the relationship already and get on with your life, before you do something stupid like have a kid or get married.

14

Probably…she starts fights with you when you are in a bad mood because you are in a bad mood and being unpleasant to be around and then putting her in a bad mood too… When you are obviously in a good mood she may bring stuff up that she’s been thinking about for a while and can…t hold inside when you…re so obviously oblivious to the problems she sees…

15

Uuhh

You’re already slipping her the sausage, so my usual advice is not going to work…

Hmm…

Have you tried talking to her about the way you feel? Crazy perhaps… but it’s better than leaving things in limbo like this…

16

hi all…
thanks for your replies…except for…uhhhh… Mosier…no thanks neccessary to him/her/it…who is wrong on all three accusatory accounts…and for whom i now dedicate my online life to the prolific use of uhhhhs and …s

As to other folks, IFFFF you took uhhhs as being sarcastic…I do apologize (except to Mosier)…I use them online like the following conversational “devices”:

say what?..

WTF?..

Does not compute!.. (best said in Robie? the Robot voice)

hmmmmm…

Let me get this straight…

Okay…

As for the …s. Thats my way of being conversational online, or stream of thought writing as someone mentioned, as well as putting a mental “pause” between each "bit of thought’. I am southern…we speak slowly and grammatically incorrectly…and we cant speel worth a durn neither…

And besides, this is only one step up from live online chatting. Not the New England Journal of Medicine.

Enough of that stuff.

Pbbth. you mentioned being 22 years old, being afraid of him leaving, and becoming the bitch from hell.

Thats understandable…but we are talking "get off my lawn’ age adults here. And more importantly, the “bitchiness” has always been there…it probably gotten a little worse as time has gone on, when all things considered it shoulda gotten better (and my tolerance for it has gone down as well).

Someone else talked about “validation”. Again, as implemented, thats just retarded. She is being bitchy (and has been from day one) because she is afraid I am going to leave. I tell her the being “bitchy” is THE MAIN THING making me want to leave. Therefore, she is now afraid of me leaving.

Does not compute!
Thats some circular, self defeating, self fufilling “logic” there…at least in my opinion.

Getting all Dr. Phil for a moment, it sounds to me like she wants to end the relationship and doesnt have the balls to just do it…so she is using bad behaviour to drive me away and when I leave I can be the bad guy that bails rather than her.

Her son’s now ex wife used to pull that sorta crap. She would do everything to drive him away/alienate him/make him feel he was mistreating her…all so he would have to work hard to “prove to her” that he still loved her. Now, thats my GIRLFRIENDS analysis of the situation (one that I agree with). And she always talked about how stupid and screwed up that behavior was, yet that may be the very thing she is doing with me!

Someone mentioned perhaps that when in a bad mood…it puts other folks in a bad mood…I’ve known those types…and on RARE occasions I am probably that way as well. But generally even when in a bad mood I am pretty socially tolerable and actually still almost nice.

Let me give you an example of the stuff that sends me over the edge. Now, keep in mind that the vast majority of the time i just bite my tongue when something like this occurs.

Our lawn sprinkler system needed repair one hot August. Our yard needs (or at least likes) lots of water. The system uses well water. If its down, using the city water gets expensive (and wasteful) fast. So, to fix it I have to track down and dig up a fair bit of pvc line. So, I am out there in the heat getting all dirty, obviously not enjoying myself. What does she do while I am out there? Comes out and jumps my ass for not having yet mowed the yard.

Who wouldn’t get pissed about something like that?

First, you really shouldnt ever jump someone’s ass you supposedly like/love…

Secondly, even if you ARE going to do it…don’t do it while they are busy doing something for YOU…

Thirdly, dont do it while they are busy doing something UNPLEASANT for YOU…

Fourthly, dont do it to get them to do something ELSE unpleasant for YOU while they are already doing something unpleasant for you…

And finally don’t jump someone’s ass for something that doesnt make SENSE in the first place…or make a big deal about something that ISNT a big deal.

The sprinkler system was top priority…the damn grass could wait another day or two…
Thats what gets me about her “attacks of bitchyness”. They are badly timed. They often make no sense. And they are usually “wrong” on many levels…

gotta run

blll

17

Personally, I don’t think she considers how you’re feeling at all, bad mood, good mood somewhere in between…who cares. She’s bitchy when she’s bitchy regardless of how you’re feeling. Most of us (people, not just women) feel what we feel when we feel it and we talk about it with our SO when we need and want to, not when it’s pleasant or convenient for them.

If you’re saying that you’d prefer that she put whatever she wants to talk about on hold until you’re in the right frame of mind to accept it…you’re dreaming. She’d need to be a mind reader. Sometimes people can hold off talking about something until it’s the “right moment” but not always. And some people never.

Sounds like what you both need is better communication skills. You need to be able to say, can we talk about that later when you’re not in a position or in the right mood to discuss something. She needs to be mature enough to agree to that when it happens. You also need to be able to talk about stuff when it’s not convenient or comfortable for you if she needs that. It’s about communication and compromise.

And most of all, you both need to remember all the reasons that you are together and that you love each other. (I’m assuming you do since you’ve been together for a while) Sometimes we get locked into an adversarial position with someone and it’s difficult to remember that we love them and love is action as much as emotion. Remember to be loving and kind.

18

No. It isn’t logical. It isn’t rational. People aren’t rational.

And. . .I’m sorry, but I personally really, really hate the use of the word bitchy. Bitchy implies a lack of reason; it implies that the other party couldn’t possibly have any legitimate reason for being upset. The word grates on me in this context, and it really doesn’t make me want to take your side.

And, frankly. . .if someone told me, “I don’t want to stay because you’re bitchy,” then. . .well, I’d be gone. Seriously. If you’re with someone, you’re with them through their mood swings. Don’t like it? Leave. You’re not chained to her, are you? She doesn’t have a vest of dynamite strapped to your chest?

No? Then fucking go already.

And. . .yes. If she likes you, and is scared you’re going to leave, and you get distant for some reason. . .she very well might get bitchy and make things worse. Fear of abandonment can make us do the stupid. Trust me; I’ve got abandonment issues to spare. And if you can weather those, they go away.

Except it doesn’t sound like you’re weathering.

Moods don’t materialize to suit your convenience. If you have a problem, talk to her about it. If it’s too much, go. But seriously. . .it’s not like people plan their moods in relation to what other people are feeling. You’re asking her to always put your moods first–don’t bother me when I’m XXX, don’t bother me when I’m YYY. Only be upset when I’m ready for you to be.

Yeah. That’s a really healthy basis for a relationship.

19

Looks to me like you’ve got 3 options.

  1. Go to talk therapy and work out your communication problems (both of y’all).
  2. Decide to live with the problem.
  3. End the relationship.

I recommend #1. Do the hard work necessary to revive what brought you together in the first place. That way, if the relationship ends, you will know that you’ve done what you could to save it.

#2 is a prison sentence, for both of you.

#3 is the easy way out, but doesn’t address problems which should be worked out in talk therapy (unless you do that first). You are likely to repeat the same scenario with the next woman in your life, unless you stop what’s going on with your part of the equation.

20

So basically…she can “talk”(I am being kind with that word choice) when SHE wants to talk…even if common sense would tell anyone its a BAD time for doing so…and thats an okay mode of operation…FOR HER…we need to consider HER feelings…

Yet, if all I am asking is for her to have better timing for when she “talks”…because it irritates the begeezus out of me…I am the one being selfish/inconsiderate/inmature/whatever…

Sounds like one heck of double standard to me…and even at the worst I am being no more demanding than her.
Nobody NEEDS to talk now…thats baloney…they WANT to talk now…damn the consequences…

Yes we are irrational humans…but I thought we striving for something better as humans…

Humans can and should be emotional. I am not looking for Vulcans here. But geez, strive for some level of rationality in the way you approach things…

This reminds me of past similiar discussions on the board…

If it upsets you I need to modify my behaviour to consider your feelings…if something you do upsets me…I just have to live with it…yeah great standard operating procedure there :dubious:

ughh

blll