Imagine for a while this little scene which occured approx. two hours ago: gf and I are at her house discussing plans for the night. I’m really tired and decide that I don’t feel like going out. Fine. She wants to know if it’s ok for her to go. Yeah, sure why not? After all, you don’t have to ask me for permission to go out. I really don’t mind her going out without me. That’s where it should’ve ended. But no.:rolleyes: “If you don’t want me to go, you can just say it and I won’t”
If I didn’t want you to go, I WOULD HAVE SAID SO. “No really, just say that you dont want me to go and I wont. I just want you to grow some balls and tell me that you dont like me going out without you.” At this point, I’m sooo confused. What am I supposed to say??? On it goes for about twenty minutes till finally, SHE gets mad at ME. So I go home, and she calls me about 5 minutes after I’ve gotten home. “I’m going to go now” OK fine I say. “Is it really alright with you?” Yes I say. “GOD WHY CANT YOU BLAH, BLAH, BLAH” Night ends with her leaving and me here typing up this psuedo-rant. I swear, I’ll never understand girls, esp. this one. I think I’ll go dig up that article about becoming a eunuch.:smack:
But it’s so amusing when we make smoke come out of your ears like that. 
Sometimes its not what you say it, its the way you say it. My girlfriend and I have a pretty argumentative relationship. She gets the shits with me over the way I answer her questions sometimes, when I don’t even realise that I’ve got a certain ‘tone’ in my voice.
And sometimes, just sometimes, she’ll just be itching for a fight, and no matter what I say, she’ll blow up.
We’re not mind-readers, though, so I usually oblige and give as good as I get.
I’m sure that your bird has the same problem.
-Bubba.
Ooh, I know that one all too well…
I still think this should simply be a sticky in some forum or other:
I also get vilified if I continue watching tv or reading or whatever for five minutes after she wants to go to bed. Apparently, if I do this, I am ignoring her.
Oh well, I had better stop highjacking your thread with my own woes.
- Bubba.
Oh…my…god
Sometimes it feels like she’ll invite me over for the sole purpose of giving me shit. She can be fairly unreasonable as well…
Hey that’s all well and good, and very fine advice, I’m sure, but sometime’s it’s just nice to have a whinge once in a while.
- Bubba.
I concur:)
Maybe this guy’s relationship will make you feel better.
flood, it’s possible that she expects you to be more possessive, and to have issues with her going out without you. When you, trusting and comfortable in the relationship, tell her she’s free to do what she wants, it leaves her feeling that maybe you don’t care enough.
Jealousy is a weird thing; some people seem to expect it and feel like you don’t love them properly if you’re trusting enough not to get jealous. It may be worthwhile explaining your feelings to her so she knows it’s not a lack of caring, but a surplus of trusting, that you’re expressing.
Word. I’ve got it in my IE bookmarks. It has kept me from getting into several relationships (which is a good thing in these cases), and often reminds me how nice it is to be single.
Actually, the OP also reminds me of some of the joys of being single. Thanks, flood!
Well, I’m glad that I was actually able to help someone out. You’re very welcome jackelope.
stypticus I agree with what you said. Sometimes it feels like she’s testing me to see if I’ll get upset when I’m actually quite comfortable with her going out with her friends. I’m a very trusting person, and she hasn’t given me any reason to get jealous. Maybe the general opinion that women like men who are only assholes to them has some truth to it after all. Perhaps that’s what I have to start doing.
Please, please don’t do this.
Instead of taking steps to become an asshole, why don’t you have a discussion with your girlfriend and explain that you love her and trust her and are genuinely confused by her recent behavior? Clearly, the two of you have different ideas about how you’ve each been acting: You think you’re being trusting; she thinks (I’m assuming) you don’t care enough about her. You think she’s being irrational; she probably doesn’t understand why you’re acting the way you are. So why not set about clearing up the confusion?
Then, if she continues to have weird trust/jealousy issues, you can better decide whether you want to stay with her or find someone whose approach to trust is more in tune with yours.
That’s really great. I had never seen that before. I should read Teemings more often.
I knew it! You do it on purpose! Damn you!
Well, it’s also possible that when you said, “Fine, go ahead,” you used the same tone and inflection that my friend used to use with her boyfriend. Her actual comment was “Okay, have fun,” but she would say it in that weak, pitiful, kind of sighing manner that implied “Oh, sure, go have fun while I lay here suffering with a migraine/stomachache/sinus infection/ailment-of-the-week. It’s all right as long as you’re having a good time. I’ll just sit here and rot.” I wanted to slap her, and the situation didn’t even involve me, so I can only imagine how it made the guy feel.
If you were tired and didn’t feel good, you probably sounded discouraged and unhappy without realizing it. She then interpreted it as an oblique guilt trip, and things just escalated from there. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if her version of the story went like this:
“He didn’t want to go out and I did, so I asked if he minded me going without him. He said okay, but he said it like it wasn’t really okay. I tried to explain to him that if he’d rather I stay home with him, I’d do it, and he got all pissy. Men!”
:rolleyes:
BINGO!
(usual disclaimer of of COURSE not all women do this etc applies here)
It’s in the tone of voice, the look on your face, etc, etc.
See, way back in caveman days, when men were developing their skills at running from saber tooths, and protecting the homefront from rival cavemen, we women were developing our “survival” skills as well.
Since we were utterly dependent upon a man for our very survival once we got “in the family way,” after all we couldn’t very well hunt for food, or run away from sabers very well at 8 and a half months gone. Nor would it have been very easy for our cavewoman ancestor to fend for herself or forage for herself with a bunch of toddlers and perhaps a new baby to care for.
Therefore, our survival depended upon keeping the man “happy” and cared for, so that he would continue to protect and feed us, (and not set us on the nearest snowbank) and that meant developing observation skills regarding tone of voice, facial expressions and also developing an intricate network of support among our sister cavewomen, so as to make sure we kept our provider happy and content with us.
Cavemen were busy surviving, so they weren’t likely to be communicating their feelings or thoughts, so the cavewomen learned to watch and interpret the men’s feelings and satisfaction level through learning his moods, expressions tone of voice blah, blah blah …
As men still retain vestiges of their cavemen ancestors, so do we. Hence, tones of voice that are construed as “tense” or “angry” will make us nervous and continue to question the man no matter WHAT his protestations that things are just fine. We aren’t doing it to purposely annoy the man.
Of course, being that we are modern women, we are prone to misinterpret a man’s facial expression or tone of voice. He’s thinking about the car, or the taxes, or is bored and without realizing it, that boredom, or tension over his worries/frustrations can come out in his voice and undermine what he’s saying.
Because the woman won’t hear the words, she’ll hear the tone.
I have a feeling that you might have been bored or maybe tired, or whatever, and your gf misunderstood your tone of voice to be NOT one of “sure honey, go have a good time” but of “I’m saying it’s okay, but I’m really pissed”.
And then, as she continued to question you, you really DID get pissed! Which to her, did not compute as “oh, maybe I should have believed his WORDS” but “I knew he didn’t want me to go, I could tell by the sound of his voice”.
I don’t know what the answer is, but maybe if you have a similar incident with her, flat out ask her “honey? are you thinking that my tone of voice sounds angry with you, because I’m not, I’m just bored/tired”?
Sorry it’s not much, hope it helps
This is wrong, but it isn’t 100% wrong. Many women like men who are confident and who stand up for themselves. Assholes often have these traits, but you can do this without being an asshole. It comes from being comfortable with who you are and actively defining your role in your relationship rather than simply reacting to what you think your partner wants. This can include recognizing that your partner is unacceptably clingy and/or jealous, and deciding not to date them anymore.