opinion on relationship boundaries

In My Humble Opinion
1

Dear All,

I’d like to get some opinions on this.

I started dating a woman about 7 weeks ago, and we really hit it off. We are exclusively dating.

Two nights ago we went to a bar. We spent a total of around 3.5 hours there.

While there, a guy struck up a conversation with her around 2.5 hours into the night. This is a guy she had only met briefly once before.

She sat next to him alone (away from me and others so it was a private conversation) and talked to him intently for 1 hour straight. So, this constituted about 1/3 of our total time there. During the conversation, she did not glance around at all to see where I was or to be at all aware of her surroundings. They both seemed to be hanging on each others every word. And leaned in close so as to communicate in a somewhat loud bar. They did NOT touch but were in close proximity and turned and leaned toward each other and talking very intently as I said.

During that time, she was relatively oblivious to me or where I was or doing. I’m sure I could have walked out and she would not have known for 45 minutes that I was gone.

I walked over at around the 15 minute mark and introduced myself to the guy as her boyfriend.

They continued in their intense 1 on 1 conversation for 45 more minutes until I finally asked her to leave with me. If this conversation would have started earlier in the night, I have no idea how long she would’ve chosen to speak with the guy. 2 hours? The whole night? Who knows.

As she was talking to this guy, I became irritated. My male friend stated that she was likely trying to make me jealous. My other male friend stated that I should talk to her about this. This male friend’s sister was there and told me that she would never do that to her husband and that he would be a bit angry and that I should explain to her why her actions were not appropriate.

When I talked to her about it, she was a bit shocked that I was upset and did not understand and thought I was being jealous. She was not interested in him but simply liked the same show as him on TV and were talking about it. To me though the topic of the conversation is not the main point here.

She said that she would not care if I had sat next to a girl and talked to her intently and focused with no distraction for an hour like that without checking with her etc.

I was shocked for the following reasons:

  1. I think you should be aware of how the way you behave will be interpreted by others
  2. intense, focused, 1 on 1 conversation that lasts a lengthy period of time is the most common sign of attraction, so much so that it doesn’t even make “how do I know they like me?” lists because it is so obvious as to be a no brainer
  3. given points 1 and 2 above, I would think that most people would know what common signal was being put off and how it could influence others

As a result of the points above, I have a sensor that goes off when I am approaching some boundary line. For instance, I would not talk with another woman in that same manner because I would think that both that woman and my girlfriend would think that I am communicating attraction very purposefully OR that if I wasn’t attracted that I should know better than to give that common cue. So, I wasn’t attracted but simply didn’t care if it appeared that way or not.

If I am speaking to a female that is with her boyfriend, I do not focus on her to the exclusion of him for any length of time. A certain sensor goes off in my head after a few minutes of intense exchange and I know it is time to change things up, move on, include him more, etc.

I am with a girl that doesn’t seem to have this sensor.

I’m afraid I am being unreasonable, but I really don’t think that I am.

I am afraid that this will cause problems if it isn’t addressed for the following reasons:

  1. she will do this again and again and make me feel awful and give the guy she is speaking to the wrong impression
  2. I will take her around other couples and she will do this to someone’s husband or boyfriend and cause a scene or others to form a bad opinion
  3. she will do this when I am not around and get herself into an awkward or dangerous situation by sending out a signal that she does not intend

I do not think I am being jealous. I think I am responding in a very common way to someone transgressing a boundary most people know exists (that when you are with someone you don’t chat up in an intense way a member of the opposite sex in a 1 on 1 scenario for an extended period of time especially when said member of the opposite sex is not someone like a family member or trusted friend).

So, just looking for opinions here.

I feel I need to talk to her about this (and I’m nervous about it) and am just looking for advice and other perspectives.

Thanks,
S

2

Let me add that I have never had this issue before in relationships because this type of thing was avoided by both of us. Also, many times that night she talked to other people (including men) for shorter periods of time and I had no issues. I do not feel that I am a jealous person.

3

If you had written this post about your girlfriend seeing a female friend whilst you were out together, and spending one hour talking intently to that friend, without introducing you to her, or including you in the conversation at all, then it would still have been rude. Gender doesn’t even come into the fact that when you are out with your partner, you introduce them to people you know and include them in your conversations.

4

That must be one hell of an interesting TV show. Did you happen to catch the name?

5

Dr. Who

6

That show hasn’t been interesting in years. :wink:

You seem earnest, sjmesf, so here’s my non-smartassy opinion:

Someone very emotionally evolved and all growd up will be along any minute to point out that you’re both adults and she did nothing to warrant your reaction and that you’re being possessive, manipulative and immature. Feel free to disregard.

I say, let this serve as a warning to you going forward that you two may have different priorities/sensibilities about how a relationship ought to function.

Relationships are about fulfilled expectations. If the fundamental ones are not being met and respective parties are not willing to adjust their own and be okay with how things are (as opposed to how they wish they were), then perhaps they are ill suited for each other. Seven weeks is not too late to figure this out. I’d say it’s just about the right time to start.

7

Thanks.

She told me that nothing I could do would make her jealous or uncomfortable so long as I was not being physically intimate with someone (kissing, touching intimately, of course sex, etc).

I was shocked.

The only thing I could do to make her uncomfortable etc is something that would likely end the relationship?

I told her that is similar to only being nervous around gun wielding folks after they start shooting at you.

8

How old are you guys? If you are high school or college age, I think you’re expecting too much.

9

Both out of college with careers.

10

In any relationship, the bottom line is how your actions make your partner feel. IMHO, I think she was rude. Ten minutes talking to a male or female, relative, friend, or not, fine. An hour? She was being rude and insensitive to your feelings. If she still does not see anything wrong with this after you have told her how it makes you feel, right or wrong, and she does not intend to adjust her actions, I would find someone more sensitive to other peoples’ feelings.

You would just end up resenting her behavior every time you go someplace.

11

So you ask your supposed gf out on a date, I assume you are paying for said date, and she spends her time talking to another man while ignoring you?
Do you have a big ‘L’ tattooed on your forehead?

And you didn’t walk out? I would have in a heartbeat, I have walked out on rude dates.

You’ve only got 7 weeks invested, she has shown you she is, believe her and dump her sorry butt.

The reasons why she did it are irrelevant, don’t fall into the trap of explaining/excusing her bad behavior. Why are you worried she will do this when you are not around and get herself into trouble? She’s a grown ass woman and you are not her care taker. She will behave this way when you are not around, but she will not be getting herself into trouble. The message she was sending was perfectly clear. Believe it.

Move on and find a woman who is into you.

12

I’m all growed up and can’t imagine a date scenario where I wouldn’t get upset if my date ignored me for an hour while we were out. Even more upsetting is this woman’s inability or unwillingness to try to see your point of view. Instead, she seems to be implying that her stance is the reasonable one and that you’re being unreasonable.

I don’t see this relationship having much potential, unless you can figure out a way to see eye to eye on this issue, now, before you’ve invested any more energy.

13

I’m in a long term exclusive relationship. She has male friends, I have female friends. When we go out sometimes she talks about stuff I’m not interested in with guys. So I wander off and talk with other folks. When we go home, we share a bed. No drama necessary.

14

I appreciate this, but I wonder if it being a longer term relationship and that you are the one wandering off doesn’t change things?

Would it be different if your sig. other sat down alone with a single person not particularly well known to either of you and did as I described?

Does anyone else have issues with “it don’t matter so long as they go home with you”?

15

QFT.

People tell us exactly who/what they are. All we need to do is be willing to hear it.

16

If you’re both on the same page, as kayaker and his SO clearly are, then there is no issue. If, however, you have very different expectations of one another, then there is no avoiding an issue, sooner or later.

17

I’m a little unclear on the situation described - was this the two of you going to the bar and sitting at a table, with you left moping alone while she went to talk to the guy?

Or was this the two of you joining a group of friends and her not staying glued to your side within that group?

Because the latter is completely normal. The former would be a bit weird - not the fact that she interacted with someone else, but if she left you sat on your own for an hour…

18

I knew people there.

I appreciate the opinion.

Let’s say I was at a table with friends but I went there with her and we are an item. She goes for a drink and begins talking to a dude at the bar sitting by himself that is not part of the group and we barely know. She sits down away from the table alone with this guy, leaving me there at the table, and talks intently for 1 hour while oblivious to all else.

Is that normal? If so, it seems normal makes a lot of people feel badly. People at the table didn’t think it was normal at all and volunteered advice and told me I needed to talk to her.

There wasn’t a table in this scenario but an area where we were all congregating, but I just used your table idea.

Also, keep in mind I’m from the states and out of college and I’m not in a party scene at all.

19

You’re both right.

You’re also unsuited for each other.

There’s nothing wrong with that. There are lots of perfectly wonderful people in the world that we’re not suited for. Better you know now than after you’ve built a life together.

Look, there’s no “normal” here - there may be what’s more common, and sure, if you want the common points, you win them. More people would be bothered by her behavior than would engage in her behavior and think it not a problem. Congratulations, you win the popularity contest.

But there’s also nothing wrong with having conversations or even friendships with another person, as long as all of you agree there’s nothing wrong with it. In this case, they agree, you don’t.

Bottom line: you cannot control her actions, nor can you change her and expect her to remain the person you fell for. You can only control your reaction and proximity to her actions. It’s a lot easier to end a 7 week relationship than a 7 year one. Let her go so she can find someone who respects her boundaries, and let you go so you can find someone who respects yours.

20

There’s a difference between being in a long term relationship and going your separate ways when out and then coming together to go home. It wasn’t unusual at all for one of my ex’s and I to walk into a pub and go off in different directions. However if I walked up to him I never had to introduce myself as his gf, he would make the introduction, and he’d never be so engaged in a conversation with another woman to the point of ignoring me.

These two are in the beginning stages of dating. They don’t have to be joined at the hip but she was being rude. When the OP walked over to her and the other guy, he should not have had to introduce himself as her bf, SHE should have been the one to do it. They should have invited him to join them or she should have used that as her cue to excuse herself and go back to her date.

How would you feel if you and your SO asked another couple out to dinner and half way through dinner they got up and moved to sit with another couple? That’s rude, and there is no excuse for it. That is what she did, she went out with one man and then spent her time with another.
If a man did that to me I would have walked out. I walked out on a date when I caught the guy handing his phone number to another woman. We were only dating, not exclusive, and he was free to date whomever he wanted - but not on MY time. Once I had a man try to give me his number when we were both with other people, no thank you. You just showed me what kind of person you are and I don’t like what I see.

Than again, I’ve been told I’m a bitch so maybe I am.