Dear All,
I’d like to get some opinions on this.
I started dating a woman about 7 weeks ago, and we really hit it off. We are exclusively dating.
Two nights ago we went to a bar. We spent a total of around 3.5 hours there.
While there, a guy struck up a conversation with her around 2.5 hours into the night. This is a guy she had only met briefly once before.
She sat next to him alone (away from me and others so it was a private conversation) and talked to him intently for 1 hour straight. So, this constituted about 1/3 of our total time there. During the conversation, she did not glance around at all to see where I was or to be at all aware of her surroundings. They both seemed to be hanging on each others every word. And leaned in close so as to communicate in a somewhat loud bar. They did NOT touch but were in close proximity and turned and leaned toward each other and talking very intently as I said.
During that time, she was relatively oblivious to me or where I was or doing. I’m sure I could have walked out and she would not have known for 45 minutes that I was gone.
I walked over at around the 15 minute mark and introduced myself to the guy as her boyfriend.
They continued in their intense 1 on 1 conversation for 45 more minutes until I finally asked her to leave with me. If this conversation would have started earlier in the night, I have no idea how long she would’ve chosen to speak with the guy. 2 hours? The whole night? Who knows.
As she was talking to this guy, I became irritated. My male friend stated that she was likely trying to make me jealous. My other male friend stated that I should talk to her about this. This male friend’s sister was there and told me that she would never do that to her husband and that he would be a bit angry and that I should explain to her why her actions were not appropriate.
When I talked to her about it, she was a bit shocked that I was upset and did not understand and thought I was being jealous. She was not interested in him but simply liked the same show as him on TV and were talking about it. To me though the topic of the conversation is not the main point here.
She said that she would not care if I had sat next to a girl and talked to her intently and focused with no distraction for an hour like that without checking with her etc.
I was shocked for the following reasons:
- I think you should be aware of how the way you behave will be interpreted by others
- intense, focused, 1 on 1 conversation that lasts a lengthy period of time is the most common sign of attraction, so much so that it doesn’t even make “how do I know they like me?” lists because it is so obvious as to be a no brainer
- given points 1 and 2 above, I would think that most people would know what common signal was being put off and how it could influence others
As a result of the points above, I have a sensor that goes off when I am approaching some boundary line. For instance, I would not talk with another woman in that same manner because I would think that both that woman and my girlfriend would think that I am communicating attraction very purposefully OR that if I wasn’t attracted that I should know better than to give that common cue. So, I wasn’t attracted but simply didn’t care if it appeared that way or not.
If I am speaking to a female that is with her boyfriend, I do not focus on her to the exclusion of him for any length of time. A certain sensor goes off in my head after a few minutes of intense exchange and I know it is time to change things up, move on, include him more, etc.
I am with a girl that doesn’t seem to have this sensor.
I’m afraid I am being unreasonable, but I really don’t think that I am.
I am afraid that this will cause problems if it isn’t addressed for the following reasons:
- she will do this again and again and make me feel awful and give the guy she is speaking to the wrong impression
- I will take her around other couples and she will do this to someone’s husband or boyfriend and cause a scene or others to form a bad opinion
- she will do this when I am not around and get herself into an awkward or dangerous situation by sending out a signal that she does not intend
I do not think I am being jealous. I think I am responding in a very common way to someone transgressing a boundary most people know exists (that when you are with someone you don’t chat up in an intense way a member of the opposite sex in a 1 on 1 scenario for an extended period of time especially when said member of the opposite sex is not someone like a family member or trusted friend).
So, just looking for opinions here.
I feel I need to talk to her about this (and I’m nervous about it) and am just looking for advice and other perspectives.
Thanks,
S