I hate it when a girl gives me "the speech" on a date

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m sure there are many variations of “the speech”, but this one was used within the last month, by two girls who don’t even know each other, using remarkably similar euphemisms.

The first one had known for some months that I wanted to go out with her, and had even agreed – “you’re such an interesting guy.” Somehow, though, we never got together. Nobody’s fault, just life happens. Then I asked her again, and she said she and her ex-boyfriend had been “talking.” Then I said, “I guess it’s probably not a good idea to keep asking you out, huh?” and she wanted to get together anyway! “He trusts me to get together with friends.” Then, during the not-a-real-date, she started telling me some intimate details about her and her re-boyfriend, and I had to say, “Are you sure you want to be telling me about this? Too much information!”

I’m going to be charitable and assume that she’s not trying to “keep me on the shelf” in case she has another traumatic breakup with him. Well, I am not staying on no damn shelf. I am not an Oriental vase, nor am I a yo-yo. And I’m not calling her again.

A few weeks later, and another young lady. (We’ve been mutually flirting for months. First time I met her, she ran after me to get my phone number.) Lots of conversation has passed, and she hasn’t said anything about any boyfriends, ex or current, so I’m breathing a sigh of relief – until I asked her to go out dancing. Then I got “the speech”. Recently (she said) she had started “talking” with a guy she had had a crush on since adolescence. “And we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, and we’re NOT dating now, but we’re ‘talking’.” And (she said) she was free to meet male friends, and she doesn’t like possessive people, blah blah blah, but she can’t go out dancing because his feelings will be hurt.

Ahem. If you’re restricted from doing something with a guy because another guy’s feelings will be hurt – THAT IS a committed relationship.

It’s harder to guess the intentions of #2. Once again, I’ll be charitable and assume I’m not shelf material, just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And pretty unlucky.

But I just about fell over when I heard the word “talking” again.

“Talking.” Is that a new euphemism that’s getting more common? Has anybody else here heard that one? It IS very common, and expected, for young ladies to indicate their lack of interest by referring to a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend in mid-conversation. But, “talking.” That’s a new one. Is it just a code for wanting to have your cake and eat it too? (The “shelf” thing, again.)

Wow, another euphemism to hate.

I must be pretty un-interesting, if every young lady discovers a new relationship (or re-ignites an old one) AFTER I declare my interest.

I wish I were better at reading the !@#$% “signals” or “hints” or sign language or whatever, but I have the sneaking fear that even that wouldn’t help, because a whole new layer of euphemisms has been added!

“Talking.” Jesus. I mean, why go out with me in the first place? Just say no!

Freakin’ bummer.

(Feel free to post your favorite version of “the speech,” if you’re male. Or post an explanation for your favorite “speech”, if you’re female.)

2

Well, y’know, I met this one chick, and we stayed up all NIGHT talking, our first date.

Second one, too.

Later, we wound up having mad passionate sex. And then we talked some more. And then we had mad passionate sex some more.

And the sex and the conversation were so good, we eventually wound up getting married.

Ten years ago, in fact. And the sex and the conversation are still wonderful.

In my case, though, it was the “I don’t want to mess up what we have,” speech… also known as the “Let’s Be Friends,” speech. Eesh.

For what it’s worth, this is the gist of it: “Dear sir: I like you, you’re a fun guy, there’s nothing actually WRONG with you, but I do not wish to have sex with you, or to pursue our relationship in any romantic means.”

And if the women who gave me the “Let’s Be Friends” speech had simply said THAT, preferably before I bought them dinner and a movie, that would have been okay.

But, for some reason, most women simply don’t think to DO that, particularly before the date gets underway, nor does it occur to them to simply state the facts so baldfacedly. At least, none of the women I ever dated.

sigh

Well, that’s not quite true. The sexy women I dated were often more than happy to sleep with me.

The INTERESTING sexy women, on the other hand, generally just wanted to be friends.

When one finds an interesting sexy woman who is interested in sleeping with you, you should think carefully before dumping her. They’re not easy to come by.

3

:wink: Gawd, Wang-Ka, I would love to have your problems. :smiley:

Sooooooo, 183 views and only one reply? Freakin’ voyeurs.

I have always had trouble getting people to respond to “dating” threads. Is that because there are no single people in SDMB, or because people don’t want to upset their partners who also read SDMB?

I’ll post a new hypothesis, in the hope that it makes somebody mad enough to respond. Here goes:

Most women want to be desired by you, but not actually be available to you. For them, the one-way street is the ideal. Example: after Date #2 told me she was “talking” to someone else, I asked her, “Do you have any single friends who might be willing to go dancing with me?”

I immediately got the impression I had said something wrong.

4

Just a suggestion…The next time a woman starts to give you “the talk,” gently place the palm of your hand over her mouth, move in closely looking into her eyes, remove your hand and kiss her. Then leave her alone for a few minutes to think about it. Don’t look back as you walk away.

5

It’s the 2003 version of “My boyfriend just moved back from Germany so I can’t see you again”.

Or something.

6

Yeah, that’ll work. :rolleyes:

Are you trying to get me arrested, or just slapped??

7

HA!

8

oh lord, what sappy romance novels have you been reading? Sweet Valley High?

So, a girlie says she’s not interested, but he should force himself on her anyway? If some bloke I was about to have the “let’s just be friends” talk with did that to me, he’d get cock-punched. thankyouverymuchindeed

9

Curious, how old are these “girls”?

10

I’d really like to post to your thread, you’re a great guy and all. But I’ve been “posting” to another thread. Can we just be friends? :stuck_out_tongue:

11

I’d assume, unless otherwise established, they’re both using you to make their current partners jealous/envious/whatever.

Standard tactics of a certain age range and a certain mind set – these women are anything up to 26-27-ish I’d guess ?

12

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that wasn’t a not-a-real-date. That was just flat-out not a date. The very subtle, hard-to-pick up clue there? “He trusts me to go out with friends.” emphasis mine She’s not trying to keep you on a shelf, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean; she’s trying to be friends with a nice, interesting guy who she’s not romantically attracted to. She did everything but beat you over the head with a neon sign that says “I’m getting back with my ex, and you and I are, and will always be, just friends.” You still agreed to go somewhere with her, so she assumed you were willing to have a friendship and nothing romantic.

And no, this isn’t just some perspective that only women can see. I read the OP to my husband, and his response was, “God, this guy needs to dip into his savings and buy a clue.”

For future reference, when a woman uses the phrase talking in that context, it means that she’s not quite in a relationship with this other guy yet, but it’s heading that way and she doesn’t want to mess things up before they ever get started. In other words, she is not available at this time, but is open to doing friendly, non-date type things with other guys, provided it doesn’t upset the apple-cart with the guy she’s almost in a relationship with.

All relationships have that weird limbo stage, where you’ve been out a few times and you’re not exclusive, but you’ve lost any real interest in dating other people. It’s unfair to hold being in that limbo state against someone, because it’s a stage all relationships go through.

It’s also really rather insulting to be dropped like a hot potato after one “friendly” outing, just because the guy has decided that he’s not got a snowball’s chance of anything further. It’s like saying, “Well, I can stand being around you as long as you’re putting out, but you’re not nearly interesting enough to spend time with if there’s no booty in it for me.” It sends the very clear message that you’re not truly interested in her, but only in having sex with her. And you have to wonder why women don’t like that?

13

[copyrighted song lyrics deleted]

14

How about prefacing any date offers with a simple “Are you available?” question, and avoid all this noise?

15

If a guy’s looking for romance, why shouldn’t he move on to someone who might feel the same way?

16

When I use the phrase “talking with (my ex, another guy, etc.),” I’m usually trying to feel the other guy out. If he’s cool with that, then he might not be the possessive type. Also, I’ve been involved in relationships that were not sexually exclusive. So, if I’m out with someone new, I’ll tell them “we’re talking.” If his response is not negative/weird, then I’ll go a bit further and see if he’d like to “date” with the understanding that, though he may be great, I’m not looking for a “boyfriend.”

YMMV

17

You can’t ask a girl you are ion a date with if she has any single friends she might want to hook you up with, that’s just wrong…

18

On the other hand, sometimes you want to be wrong.

19

What I mean by that is, if you say it in a knowing enough manner, they will realize that you think what they’re doing is absurd, even if they are offended by what you said.

20

COCK PUNCHED>>>>>>>>Just love it