This. Sounds like you’re chasing too much. Had a similar thing with a girl last year. She was alternately all over me or not wanting contact and I never knew which way she’d be.
So I decided to stop chasing and tried to get myself into a mindset where I didn’t like her as much. It took a couple of months. Then she started chasing me, so I sent her a very honest email telling her how and why she pissed me off and then I cut off contact.
A year down the line and she’s getting back in touch again repeatedly, but I’m now happily with someone else. But I wasn’t able to move on until I stopped letting her wind me up so much, and to do that I had to force myself to abandon the feelings I had for her.
Healthy relationships do not make you feel bad about yourself. They may be hard. They may take patiance and compromise. But they never leave you with that walking-on-eggshells waiting-for-that-text up-all-night OMG-I-want-to-send-a-long-emotional-email-demanding-answers feeling. They never have you calculating the good-to-bad ratio. If things are worth it, you don’t spend your emotional energy wondering if it is worth it. Things just work.
When she talks abou her exes, she is testing you. She is seeing if she can get under your skin, and that will determine if she can respect you, which in turn determines if you are a for-now plaything or a prize worth the chase. The way to win that game is with utter indifference paired with an unemotional message that that is inappropriate (“He had nine inches? That’s nice, though I’m not sure why you are telling me this. Do you want dessert?”)
If it’s fun enough to be worth it, go ahead and keep going. But don’t count on her ever being emotionally engaged. Just have fun with what you’ve got and know your exit plan. I think it’d be worthwhile for you guys to negotiate quite clearly how much contact you expect (“I hope you call me every other day, and we should go out twice a week- at least once should be a real date.”) Making your expectatons clear and agreed upon will help you see if you are getting what you need and mitigate your tolerance for excuses. If she can’t deliver, she can’t deliver, moody or not.
Finally, knock off the meta-talk. Nobody wants to feel like an experiment, and nobody wants your insecurities spelled out in front of them. Show her how you’ve become a better partner through being a better partner.
I thank everybody for their thoughts. It’s becoming clear there’s boundary and expectation issues, as well as communications issues. It feels like one of those movies where big complicated plots could be handled much simpler with a few minutes of exposition.
This morning when we had a fight. She’s been really stand offish, since yesterday. I told her exactly how I felt about yesterday. She said she didn’t have her phone and honestly she wasn’t in the mood to chat now anyway today. Oh and Thursday was nothing.
I’m thinking she did the same thing I was doing. Texting because she thought I wanted to. So when everyone cools down we’re going to have a chat about expectations, and if she isn’t willing then I’m done with this. This is isn’t and stable configuration, and without a bit of change it won’t be good for me, and it’d be no good for her either.
LOL. She must be hot. Otherwise, the OP wouldn’t be asking for advice.
I was in the same situation a couple of years ago. When I finally came to the unsettling realization that I was putting more into it than I was getting out; I stopped talking to her.
I was depressed for like a month. NOT because I missed her so much but rather, I had made this mistake before in my life and promised myself I would never make that mistake again.
It also didn’t help that this was the type of mistake a 20something would make. A 38yo should know better. At least in my mind.
drop this “non-relationship” like a hot potato. who needs that crap? & if she’s pretty, she’s prbly been skating on that for years & has never learned how to really have a relationship. did you take her to raise?..
Pro tip: when a woman is aware enough of her feelings to actually tell you that she’s feeling cranky, a good approach is to say, ‘What’s happened? Do you want to talk about it?’
I think Becky is saying, date a grown-up woman, not a girl that you have to teach how to behave in a mature relationship. If that’s it, I agree with it totally. If not, sorry.
Is she isn’t going to set boundaries you do it. In the OP case, he should’ve said, "OK I understand, I’ll give you a call tomorrow around 9pm.
This way you now have established the fact she has a right to her space, and you won’t bother her till then. Then at 9pm if she’s not available, she’s sending you a message. She doesn’t want to be bothered with you.
Maybe, when she’s in “sweet” mode, you can ask her how she wants you to handle “cranky” mode…by backing off or by being the ear for her to vent. But really, in the early part of a relationship, most people try to put their best face forward to impress the other person. We try to hide our issues and insecurities and be someone you’d like to be around. If this is her best, “I really want this guy to like me” behavior, then you need to ask yourself if this makes you happy. Listen to what she is saying about her ex. There may be some clues there as to why they are no longer together, and if you look at it through the filter of her being moody, mercurial and clingy, you may have a better understanding of whether you should continue to put up with her moods.
I just want to thank everybody. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Becky’s question of “did you take her to raise?” I think it’s very insightful. She doesn’t have much of social skills in the relationship area. She’s only talked of having one ex, so who knows? Home schooled, and shall we say high strung about some things. I think most would say she’s average looking, but my feelings say she’s pretty as they come.
Which is why I’m willing to give her a chance as long as I think she’s trying.
I’m also going to be more guarded. She’s a bit volatile, and a little safety plexiglass wouldn’t hurt.
Try this instead: “I have had a bad day and really need a shoulder to lean on.”
In Gerry Spence’s book “How to Argue and Win Everytime,” he points out that to get what you want out of people, you have to be very plain about what you want. You also have to be very plain that the person you want something from has the power to give it to you.
“I have had a bad day and need a shoulder to lean on. I am telling you because you are my best emotional support.” (Praising him for his ability to meet your need sure doesn’t hurt.)
I agree – I would give her the alternative: “Do you want to vent, or do you want some space?” Then be prepared to either be a sounding board, or to back off for a while.
But if she is not willing and able to do the same for you when you need it, it’s not a relationship, and she’s using you. Run.
