I started dating a woman named K. I like her quite a bit. She pulled the I want to be friends thing. I went along with that. We went out after and it seems she can’t make up her mind. She is sending a bunch of mixed signals. Very touchy, not in a friend way, and then not so touchy. Basically confusing the heck out of me.
Recently we have been talking online when I am at work or after. She is getting very flirty and she said she wanted to do the ‘bed buddy™*’ thing. I am not sure about that and told her so.
Anyway, she I am going over to her place for dinner tomorrow night. She did mention that her daugther is gone for the night. I have no idea what to expect. Since I have no idea what to expect I am assuming that we are just going to have dinner as friends. We’ll see what happens. I have been pretty blunt to K about what I would like to happen (dating, not friends) but have not pushed it. I have told her that friends is ok.
Since K said she wanted to just be friends (which recently turned into bed buddies™) I decided to look for other women to date. I have been talking to a woman. We were supposed to go out on Friday.
I got an email from D, the woman I was supposed to go out with on Friday.
Her Mom died.
In the email she said her Mom died, she was sorry because things were a bit crazy and she will call me tomorrow.
I wrote back, gave her my condolences, and said that she needed to take care of her Mom and if she didn’t call I understood fully. I phrased it a bit better than that. I also did say that if she wanted to call that would be fine as well.
Well, my condolences to D; you definitely responded correctly to her loss.
Also, good on you for choosing to keep your options open rather than let your situation with K limit you. Just as an aside; I hate it when women do that - say that they want to be friends but then send ridiculously mixed signals so that many males are led to believe that they DO want to be more than just friends. Makes me mad.
Maybe try inviting both K and D out to neighbouring restaurants on the same evening, using some paper-thin excuse for constantly popping out - hilarity will doubtless ensue!
Is ‘Bed-buddy’ a less vulgar term for ‘Fuck-buddy’ where a couple of friends have no-strings sex when single? That sort of thing always sounds as if it would be fairly dismal.
In my experience, when a woman wants to be “Bed Buddies”, what she’s really saying is that she is interested in you and she’s attracted to you, but she doesn’t want the emotional baggage of a “Relationship”. In other words, she’s got enough to deal with without an emotionally needy boyfriend - that’s not to say you’re needy - I’m not implying that at all. I’m just relating my opinion/experience.
I say go for it. When I was young and single I ended up in arrangements like this several times and I assure you it can be very rewarding (not in the same way as a “regular” relationship", but still).
How do you know that it doesn’t mean exactly what the words me? It could be that they’ve slept together but, you know, didn’t sleep together. Which I wouldn’t turn down, either, as long as she didn’t snore or steal the blankets.
I wish I’d known the term “fuck-buddy” or that the word “romance” has completely different implications in English (where it mostly appears to mean “sex”, at least in the US version) and Spanish (where it means the pink fluffy stuff) back when I lived in Miami.
It would have given me a short way to say “listen, I like you and find you very attractive and would love to fuck with you as often as our schedules and sex drives allow, but my life is kind of busy right now, so can we cut on the cute crap and get a-fucking please?”
I don’t know. I’m just relating my experience/opinion. And, for the record, sleeping with a member of the opposite sex without actually having sex is like chewing food but not swallowing it.
Why don’t you know what to expect? It’s pretty clear to me, from what you have said, that she’s arranging a Bed Buddy evening. How could it be otherwise?
These things work well only if both people are emotionally on the same page.
To the OP: If she likes you, but doesn’t like you, but you feel otherwise towards her, it is best not to proceed in this direction. Listen to your instincts. Being her friend w/ benefits will only make you feel more confused.
In defense of “K”, she probably doesn’t think she’s sending you mixed messages. If she’s told you verbally how she feels, she probably thinks that is enough. She may not think her gestures of affection and sweetness are contradicting the words coming out of her mouth, but to you, they are. Truth be told, she’s not responsible for your confusion. Verbal communication trumps everything else; any other messages you’re picking up are the products of subjective interpretation. So try your best to focus on what she’s saying.
But the good news is that this is a moment of opportunity. She’s verbally expressed interest in being intimate with you. If you turn down her offer, suddenly you’re holding on to something that she wants. That may make her more willing to start the kind of relationship that you really want. Say no to her proposal, explaining that that type of arrangment will be too difficult because of your feelings towards her. And then let her stew on that for a while. If she’s trying to figure out whether or not she wants to start something with you, making this move may help nudge her towards you. If she’s confident that she just wants to be your friend, then you saying no won’t change anything…but at least you won’t be giving her permission to confuse you more than she already is.
Exactly. There must be an agreement in place, and if either person is harboring hopes for something more (in this case, looks like the OP would be) that person will get burned.
Proceed with caution. sleestak, if you won’t be satisfied with a friendly sexual relationship with this woman, steer clear of taking her up on her offer.
Wouldn’t “FWB” (Friends With Benefits) be a current term for “bed buddies” among Americans? Hard for me to say, since I’m American but haven’t lived in the US for so long. I try to keep up with the language, though.
I feel it necessary to add that I am “K”. I’ve been “K” in the past and I’ll probably be “K” in the future. So I know how “K’s” mind works. She’s not sinister or selfish. She just wants what she wants without any of the stuff that she doesn’t (like committment). This doesn’t make her a bad person. Just not the type of person sleestak should be investing his hopes and dreams in right now.
sleestak already seems to know this, though. Finding someone else to date is exactly what he needs to be doing.
I have been seeing a woman in a Friends With Benefits “FWB” relationship on and off for a while now. Like “K” she gets very friendly sometimes. Like she wants a real, long term, exclusive, relationship. I outright ask her, (communication is key) if she wants to be exclusive?
The verbal, logical, real? answer is always “No.” she doesn’t, not ready to change her life.
I don’t see her if I am dating someone serious as I don’t want anything to interfere with a possible “real” relationship working out.
I’m pretty sure “bed buddy” and “fuck buddy” aren’t the same thing. Bed buddy, you just sleep with the person, no sex. Dunno why you’d want to do that, but apparently some people do.
And I’d say “don’t set yourself up” – but I agreed last night to go see an old BF this weekend – someone who broke my heart a year and a half ago, and who asked if I wanted to get back together the last time I saw him (in Dec.). Why am I going? Curiosity.
So obviously I’m in no shape to advise anyone not to do anything stupid.
Right…what it really means is that the woman gets to sleep while the man TRIES to get to sleep but has a Boner That Won’t Be Satisfied. I mean, I’ve tried to go back to sleep without peeing after waking up with morning wood, so I know what that feels like. Can’t imagine what it would be like for the whole night.
(My mind keeps going back to those viagra ads…if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours…)
