Does dismal mean awesome?
Let’s just forget about what K wants, mostly because I don’t think she knows what she wants - what do YOU want, Sleestak? Will you be satisfied with a fuck buddy relationship (because that is what she meant - she didn’t mean a slumber party) in the long term? Will your fuck buddy relationship with K interfere with other, healthier relationships?
Yup this is a toughy. She likes you. She wants you. Some girls are just as afraid of commitment as guys are. It sounds like she’s one of those. Your chances of a long terrm relationship with the commitment impaired are not good. Certainly not without a lot of long term strain. On the other hand it might be a little too early to totaly write her off as commitment impaired. You can sleap with her or not. If you have sex with her, you will do what she expects. It may also give her some comfort that you are just as casual about the relationship as she is. But no alarm flags will be raised. On the otherhand you just gave her what she wanted, and she may decide she doesn’t want anything else. If you don’t have sex with her you haven’t given her what she wanted. You can hold that against her and it may pique her interest. On the otherhand, it may also raise the commitment alarm flag. Anything suggesting commitment too early will certainly scare her off.
My opinion, the best you can manage is to hang on in a non-commital relationshp while you scan the horizons for something better. If you find something better before she does you win. She freaks out because this guy she liked suddenly did something totaly different and left her. Suddenly her fear of commitment will begin to disolve. I say go for it tonight, but its a close call.
Uh, he might lose the sex.
This is good advice, but I just wanted to say that a “fuck buddy” type relationship can be perfectly healthy if both people are satisfied and the boundaries are clear. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with them, as long as the expectations on both sides are the same, which can be difficult, but I’ve seen it works lots of times.
Even when expectations aren’t the same, one can slide into an emotional dependence without the other party noticing. The more contact you have, the more of an emotional dependance you acquire. This works in any form. Even in relationships where the the initial objective is “Let’s just be friends”. Contact sets up dependence. It’s when they deny contact that the relationship is truly in jeopardy.
For what is worth (which is probably not much because I have a vested interest in this thing) I think she doesn’t want a commitment right now but does like me and is a bit confused about the whole thing.
I do not want a fuck buddy relationship. I have told her this. I want to date. I want to do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend dating thing with her and see what happens. Note, I am bringing my own baggage into this as well. In the past I did the fuck buddy thing and decided that it was almost always a loser for one of the people involved*. I have also had relationships that went from meeting to living together in a short period of time. I don’t want to do fuck buddies and I am not looking to get too serious too fast. I am not comfortable with friends on one day, sleeping together the next then back to friends. Too much possiblty for bad things to happen, especially since I really do like this woman a lot.
Slee
*I’ve had fuck buddy relationships that worked. Most of them, however, ended with one person getting hurt. I do not want that.
Best post in the thread.
I think you need to keep your own counsel on this relationship. Play it out until it turns into something, ends of it’s own accord, or you get tired of it. I’ve played that game a couple of times and it never went far, but I had to see it out. Don’t worry about getting dumped, if that happens, just be thankful and move on. This old game where being the dumper is better than being the dumpee is just childsh BS. You sound like you’ve been around the block a few times, just go w/ your instincts, you’ll be fine.
It went well. *Very * well.
We are dating. I got laid. Things are nice. I am not working on much sleep now. I’ll post more later.
Slee
Yay!
Well, in that case, I wish many years of happiness for you and K, sleestak.
:d
I’m just happy you’re getting laid! Have fun!
I’m just happy someone’s getting laid!
So, here is what happened.
I went over to her place for dinner. Her sister N was there as well. We did dinner and made cookies afterwards. (MMMMM, peanut butter chocolate chip). After dinner we watched Grosse Pointe Blank. First time I’d seen it, good flick.
After the movie her sister left and we started snuggling and kissing. I really like touching this woman. At some point I said ‘We are dating right, this isn’t just friends?’. She said yes. That was good enough for me. I’ll leave the next bit to imagination. Afterwards we took a shower and then went to bed and fell asleep.
K had to leave early this morning so we took a shower and she headed out to work and I headed home. (Side note, who know the giant yellow ball in that provides heat and light actually *starts * on the other side of the sky?) We didn’t get a whole lot of sleep, like 5 hours.
It was a good night.
Slee
My blunt 2 cents . . . if she says she just wants you as a bed buddy, then you’re her bed buddy, only she calls it dating. She’s telling you what you want to hear so that you’re both getting what you want temporarily. Over time, her lack of interest in commitment will shine through, and you’ll be back where you started. She has a proven track record of being disinterested and flighty.
BTW, I don’t think this is a bad thing . . . I think that bed buddies is a great scenario. Plus, you could still date this other new woman and see how that goes.
Yeah, I gotta say, that’s what this sounds like to me. At least, I’d proceed cautiously at this point. My logic would be this: she obviously wanted to get laid (she told you her daughter would be gone for the night, she invited you over for dinner, she pulled the bed buddy thing on you beforehand, etc.) and, in the heat of passion, c’mon…guys are often portrayed as being willing to say just about anything to get those panties off, and I’m sure a lot of women aren’t much different.
So, proceed with caution.
As for the aphorism “there ain’t such thing as free sex,” I wholeheartedly disagree, but that’s another thread.
Well, the whole dating conversation (which, granted, was really short) happened before things got heavy. It may be that she said it out of horniness and in the moment. At this point I am going with what she said but I am being carefull about getting too attached.
Slee
Yay you - wonderful Eric. And it really sounds like you are striking the perfect balance of gently pursuing something/one you want while maintaining some mental distance as the parts get sorted out and she adjusts her head.
Stay balanced and enjoy the good parts!