To do a basic quick recap: I met K at a dating site. We went on a couple dates and I decided that I like K quite a bit and want to keep dating her. She told me that she likes another guy and just wanted to be friends. It kind of sucked but I decided that I am happier just being friends than not seeing her anymore so I decided that I am cool with it. We’ve gone out a couple times since and the signals seem to be really mixed.
So tonight at work I sent her an IM. She said she had some friends over and asked me to come over for dinner. So I went over to her place and met her friends and ate. We were talking and she put her legs across my lap. She took me to see some pictures and held my hand. Her house was a bit messy, having a kid around will do that, and she said something along the lines of ‘My house is going to scare you off, isn’t it?’. To which I replied, no, it isn’t.
She walked me back to my car and I really wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t.
I really like this woman but she has me going a little bit nuts.
Yeah, I know that some are going to say that I should just stop seeing her with the mixed signals and all but I’m not. I am extremely attracted to her, flaws and all.
Ya know, all this dating/romance/love stuff would be much easier if I was in charge.
We are going out to a concert on Thursday. I am really looking forward to it. Maybe I’ll kiss her then.
You* know * I’m totally rooting for you on this. That said:
Your sobriety has to come first, ergo your mental health has to come a close second. This is messing with your mental health. The solution isn’t to see her or to not see her – it’s to ask her what the fuck is going on. “Look, I obviously like you a lot – and if you want to do ‘just friends’ that’s fine – but I can’t do ‘just friends’ with this much physical contact. If you’re trying to communicate that you’ve reconsidered and want to do more of a dating thing, excellent – but if you’re serious about ‘just friends,’ I need you to maintain a little more distance here.”
This thing is trainwreck waiting to happen. You need to sit her down and lay it all out and find out where you stand. She is definitely sending mixed signals from your descriptions. You’re the one who is going to get hurt in this and I say better now than later. It’s time for a where you explain that you don’t enjoy being strung along (altho it sounds like you do) and it’s time for her to make a decision.
She told you she’s not interested in dating you.
Therefore when you went out it wasn’t a date. You may (understandably) be hoping it was, but she obviously has a lot of friends and she isn’t dating them either.
OK, now she’s behaving differently. And that’s not fair to you.
You really need to ask her where you stand.
Please don’t make romantic plans until you know what she wants. Making guesses and getting your hopes up without evidence usually leads to sadness.
Good luck!
Why did you see K online at all? If you wanted to date, she didn’t want to date, and you didn’t let it go (which includes removing her name from your contacts lists), all you’re doing is begging for more heartache.
Allow me to agree with the first part and vehemently disagree with the second part of these sentiments.
You’re going to get hurt. You’re going to get hurt BAD.
But do NOT sit down and talk to her about this. Do NOT do the “where are we going?” thing. She’s already told you where you’re going. NOWHERE.
All that a big, drawn-out conversation is going to get you is her hemming and hawing to avoid a confrontation and you reading positive signals into it.
Closure is a MYTH, dude. The situation has been resolved. Either she doesn’t want to date you at all, like she said before, or (best case scenario) A-guy is out of the picture and she’s looking for a little comfort before A-guy #2 comes along.
Very good advice. She may just be a really touchy-feely person with no intent on being more than friends. I think you have to straight-out ask her what her intentions are. You shouldn’t allow yourself to get into the frame of mind where the ambiguity stresses you out.
Ah, I speak as one who once turned a new ardent suitor down because I was hung up on some other guy at the moment, but gave up/ changed my mind over a matter of weeks as I got to know both better, and made a pass at the ardent one, and we’ve been married 7 years. She might just be being insufficiently communicative at this time.
Sorry to complicate the picture.
Sobriety always comes first. I am quite comfortable in my sobriety but at the same time I guard it like it is the most precious thing on the planet (because it is). K asked me why I didnt drink. I told her I am a recovering alkie. She said that she wasn’t sure if she could date an alkie. I said that I understood, which I do. I asked her if she wanted to hear my story*. She said she did. So I told her everything (or at least everything I can remember). Incidentally, she is the only person outside my family or A.A. who I have told the whole story to in real life. K then asked for some advice about a friend of hers who has a serious drug problem. I told her what I know, what I think she should do and suggested that she should go to some Al-Anon meetings if she needed more advice.
About stopping contact with her: I don’t want to and she apparently doesn’t either. After we had the ‘just want to be friends’ discussion I thought about it a bit. I could a) cut off contact with a person I really like because she doesn’t want to date while I do and lose having a very cool and interesting person in my life or b) adjust to it and keep the very cool and interesting person in my life. I opted for B because the value I get out of seeing her and talking to her is greater than the disappointment of her just wanting to be friends. If that changes I’ll reevaluate.
We are going to concert this Thursday (G3 and I am giddy as a schoolgirl). I’ll post an update then.
Slee
*I still haven’t quite figured out how to approach the ‘I’m a recovering alkie’ bit with potential dates if they ask why I don’t drink. I am not going to lie but I also don’t want to scare them off. Note, I am dating other people, though the last two dates have been less than wonderful. I think I am going to go with ‘I’m alergic’ for the time being.
This sentence frightens me: the only way you can see this woman as a friend is to abandon all hope of ever dating her. Those in this thread who’ve told you that you’re on dangerous ground are right. You’ll get hurt bad, and I hope that doesn’t mean that you’ll fall off the wagon.
In my experience, B is completely impossible unless you put some distance between you. Distance being much less frequent contact or one or both of you hooking up with someone else.
Been there, done that. I always opt for B. It never ever ever works. You end up being her boyfriend without the benefit of her being your girlfriend*. You turn down dates with other people to hang out with her. You keep your weekend schedule open in case she might call. You buy her stuff. You talk about her all the time to your friends.
Then one day she’s all “hey I met this new guy and I totally like him,” and you say to yourself NOW that you’d be cool with that but you won’t be. You’ll be pissed that you spent all those lonely weekends at home. Pissed that you paid for all those dinners. Pissed that you talked her up to all your friends and now she’s gone. It’ll break your heart no matter how much you try to tell yourself she’s just your friend.
Stop now, cut your losses and be very very casual friends. This road your going down only leads to heartbreak. She’s not a “cool friend” she’s a potential love interest with no reciprocal interest in you.
*In my case I was always the girlfriend without a boyfriend.
How’s that saying go - you’re a penis in a jar to her, sleestak. You know, “In case of emergency, break glass” kinda thing. You’re her back-up dude, to keep her feeling pretty and interesting and sexy in between guys she actually wants. She probably doesn’t even admit this to herself; she probably thinks she’s being nice to you.
Okay, that sounds really cold and mean - I mean it as a wake-up call to you, to go find a girl who actually wants you. You deserve someone who is looking forward to your dates as much as you are, not this second-best attention.
Give her and yourself some space. Settling for being friends with someone you’re actually in love with is just soul destroying and guaranteed to reduce your self esteem to sub zero.
In my own life, I’ve done this far too often and eventually I realised it was because deep down, I didn’t think anyone I valued would ever want to date me and that therefore friendship was better than nothing. But it truly isn’t - it’s an experience of constant rejection and it stops you from finding someone who values you.
Run away! run away!! If she does like you, she’ll chase you.
Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it though I am going to ignore half of it…
I talked to K a bit today. She asked if the concert was casual or dress up. I told her that casual would work but I’d love to see her all decked out (I phrased it better than that though I don’t remember what I said*) Anyway, she then suggested that we go see Blue Man Group and that it would be a perfect occasion to get all decked out. So we are going to go see BMG one of these days. We haven’t worked out when yet.
She also gave me a bunch of compliments on how I look, which is nice. She apparently really likes my hair, which is fairly long.
I was talking to a co-worker today about the situation and what happened on Saturday. When I went over on Saturday it was K, her sister and a couple of her female friends. My co-workers theory is that K wanted to see how I dealt with her sister/friends and what they thought. Don’t know if that is true or not. My co-worker is a pretty smart guy but I think he understands women about as well as I do, which is to say not very well at all.
At this point I am going to a)make sure she knows what I’d like to happen** (which she already does) and b) see what happens. Note, I am not in love with the woman. I think I could fall for her, and probably hard, but I am not there yet.
Oh, about the giddy as a schoolgirl comment. I am giddy as a schoolgirl about seeing G3. John Petrucci, Joe Satriani and Paul Gilbert on one stage. It ought to rock. However, I will say that there is some extra pleasure in that I am taking K.
I am also pursing other interests in case this does just end up being a friend thing.
Slee
My memory for that kind of thing sucks. I need to work on that.
**I have let her know what I would like to happen, which is dating not friends, but I am not pushing it.
Don’t invest your heart in a cock-tease. I’ve done it, and it’s really a bad idea. You’ll never get a straight answer, and even if you do it’ll get contradicted the next day. The stress could drive anyone to drink. Hang out and play it cool, but don’t expect anything.
