As I’ve mentioned before on this board, I’ve had the same type of thing happen to me. Whether she realizes it or not she is leading you on, unless she really has changed her mind. As others have stated, the only way for you to find out is to ask her what her intentions are. If she still insists on just “being friends” then it is up to you to let her know that her signals are saying otherwise and she needs to either modify her behavior or you need to back off from her to send the message.
The unfortunate part in all this is that if you have to back off to send the message, it will most likely dissolve the relationship completely because you wouldn’t let her manipulate you (Which is what she is doing).
Again, this is only if she has not changed her mind about being friends.
slee , do not hesitate to tell people why you aren’t drinking. If you change your story later, then you are seen as having something to hide. Being sober is nothing to hide!
I drink, minimally, but I have no problems seeing someone who doesn’t, for any reason. Telling folks that you are recovering is a good way to weed out potential problems before they happen. It sure isn’t a turn-off or a deal-breaker for a lot of us!
As for K, I really like the way twickster phrased a clear, concise and unambiguous way to talk to her. Go for it!
-Fetch, an old fuddy-duddy who doesn’t want to see nice folks get hurt.
I think all opinions have pretty much been covered. From your brief discription, I think you are her spare guy. She likes you, is pretty certain she isn’t going to love you but you come in handy for situations when she wants a date or just to hang out with someone of the opposite sex. Not to say that she is using you because she already said she only wants to be friends. Maybe friends with “benefits” until something better comes along for both of you. If you’re willing to do that, have a nice time but protect your heart.
Meh, he’s just dating. He’s not in love with her, he’s seeing other people, he’s just in the classic “getting mixed signals from someone you really want to kiss” situation. If that were enough stress to endanger his sobriety, he’d need to be rethinking the whole dating thing altogether. As it is, it sounds like he’s got things under control.
I have thought about the possiblity that I am reading too much into what she is doing. I think there is a little of that but I also think there is something on her side as well. She has been very physical, holding my hand, putting her arm around me, sitting next to me and putting her legs across my lap, and I do not see her being that physical with anyone else.
About the emotional stress: I am a recovering alkie. I will have three years in six days (I will do a long post then most likely). I have learned how to manage my problem pretty well. I know that I always need to be on guard and I need to learn more. Yet I am at the point now where I need to start expanding my horizons and doing more things. I could very easliy let my disease become a trap where, at the first sign of stress, I run away using my alcoholism as an excuse to not get involved. But that way lies a sad life. I do not want that. I did not become clean and sober just to hide away from life because I might get hurt. I became clean and sober so that I could live. Part of living is getting hurt. Part of living is being disappointed. I became sober so that I could live a clean, decent and happy life. To be happy you have to risk the potential pain. I was a lone drunk. I drove myself to loneliness and wallowed in the dispair that I created. I will not do that again.
I will get hurt. It is going to happen. Life hurts everyone. Maybe this woman will end up breaking my heart. If so, I will deal with the heart break. The heart break will be better than the crushing nothingness I lived when I was drinking. I will risk the heart break, the potential pain because I now have hope. I hope I find the right person. I hope I live a better, fuller life than I did before, even if it causes me pain at times. Pain is what got me sober, I couldn’t live with the pain my drinking was causing anymore. Hope is what keeps me clean*.
Slee
*Sorry, this got a little deeper than I thought it would.
I have no idea about this woman’s motives or feelings, nor any other specific information. That said, I am a woman, and I happen to make friends with men more easily than with women. I just tend to get along better with guys. It has unfortunately happened on several occasions that a guy I’m friends with–in a couple of cases VERY CLOSE friends with–has turned out to want more than that out of our relationship and read signals into my actions that I wasn’t (intentionally) putting there. I have more than once cried over a lost friendship that I valued highly because the guy turned out to want to date me and didn’t want to just be friends. I have also had male friends who I wanted more from, who weren’t interested in me in that way. I am not entirely sure what my point is other than just that she may like you very much, and really enjoy spending time with you, but not want to date… and if that’s something you can live with, you will probably have a satisfying friendship. If not, try not to hurt her too badly when you cut off your friendship. Some people seem to think that it isn’t possible for men and women to have platonic friendships, and I don’t get that…
Girls playing games? Girls sending mixed signals? Perish the thought.
Could be she’s testing you a bit… lots of girls give off the ‘not interested in dating’ vibe at first to see how guys react and as self-protection and sometimes because some girls seem to think (or have been taught) that it’s not OK to be the initiator so they ‘fib’ so you are.
Is she dating anyone else seriously? If yes, then she might be being honest, but you met her on a dating site, which kinda means she’s at least interested unless her profile specifically says ‘friends only’ or some such…
Inviting you over to meet her friends and family, letting you see her house messy, paying you complements, making multiple dates with you - all good signs that she is interested in spite of what she says. I say go for it - nothing ventured nothing gained.
They met on a dating site, and so that means she is interested? How do you figure? It means she is interested in dating, not that she is interested in dating HIM. She liked him enough to meet him but PLENTY of people meet folks on dating sites and then realize, after meeting them, that they have no interest in dating.
There is so much on this post that I dissagree with I don’t know where to begin. What is clear to me, is that this girl wants to spend time with you, and you want to spend time with her. Yes, your emotions are driving you crazy. That’s what happens when you are single and dating. You will most likely get hurt. Thats what happenes when you are single and dating. To avoid relationships because you might get hurt is to isolate yourself so much that you will never find a girl to make you happy. Live it. Love it. When the pain comes go buy yourself a treat to let yourself know that you are king of your own world. The pain goes away.
Hell, I’m married and I still have crushes on girls. They still can break my heart. The only difference is that I can tell my wife about it and laugh it off cause I’m such a freak. I love my wife. The other girls are just crushes. The wife does get a bit jealous though.
My only real advise seriously contradicts what I have read here.
Don’t give up.
Whatever you do do not corner her into making a commitment by telling her your feelings. If I had to guess, she already knows your feelings. It’s real hard to hide that type of thing you know.
So we met down at Mandalay Bay to see the concert. We had dinner first, at a Mexican joint (My god, it cost a lot. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t worth what they charged). During dinner we talked about all kinds of stuff. My recovery came up naturally in the course of the conversation and we talked about that for a bit. We also talked about her kid, her job, my job, and all sorts of other stuff. After dinner we headed to the show.
The show was amazing. It was G3. A band opened and they were ok. Paul Gilbert came next and he was pretty good. Note to Paul, if you happen to read this, lose the red leather pants and gain some weight man. Anyway, Paul was on and played well. Next up was John Petrucci. The man is just amazing. Awesome set. Then came Joe Satriani. Joe set was smokin as well. Last they did a jam session with all three of them on stage at once and it was just down right silly. I found myself laughing at times at the sheer brilliance of the playing. It was oustanding.
During the show there was a lot of touching. She held my hand. Put her arm around me. I put my arm around her and she rested her head on my shoulder. Lots of caressing, lots of snuggling*. This was not friends, this was date (either that or her male friends must be an extremely frustrated group of guys).
After the show she called to let the babysitter know she was on the way to pick up her daughter, we got out way late, like 1 am. She pulled back a bit at that point. I walked her to her car and I kissed her, twice. Minor kisses, but still kisses.
It was a great night.
The attraction appears to be there, on both sides. I know I am extremely attracted to her. She makes my brain all splody**. We’ll see what happens next. I am hopeful at this point. Not overly hopeful, she still might decide on just being friends. At the same time I think she is attracted to me. I am also starting to think that she might want to take things real slow. I can understand that.
Slee
*It is hard to describe it without out it sounding like a bad porno. It wasn’t like we were about to do it in the seats but at the same time, it was more than friendly.
**Damn, this woman turns me on.
Your handling this like a pro. I must reiterate though. The last thing you wan’t to do is tell her how you feel this early in the relationship. It will corner her into a commitment. Despite what you’ve heard, women are just as scared of commitment as men. I’m not saying put on a big nonchalant act. Acts are bad. Just be who you are. She probably knows how you feel.
Speaking of which, you just had your first kiss. That in and of itself puts her in a relationship at a different level. She might pull away a little now. If she does pull away, let her. Don’t freak out about it. She likes you. She wont just throw you away.
He’s not in love with her, he’s seeing other people, he’s just in the classic “getting mixed signals from someone you really want to kiss” situation. If that were enough stress to endanger his sobriety, he’d need to be rethinking the whole dating thing altogether. As it is, it sounds like he’s got things under control.