Slee goes on another date....or God has a sense of humor

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I am working on the whole dating thing.

I wrote about a woman (I’ll call her K) I took on a couple dates earlier. I really like K but got the whole ‘I just want to be friends’ thing with a dash of ‘Well, there is this other guy I like’ thing. I was very disappointed because I really like K and I am extremely attracted to her. But she did the ‘just want to be friends’ thing, so we are doing the friend thing.

So I talk to another woman I met through the dating site. She seemed reasonable and rather nice looking. We decided to meet tonight. I’ll call her L.

God has a sense of humor. The problem is that I am usually the butt of his jokes.

Being an idiot I forgot that K had an art show tonight. She invited me to the show. Now, I really like K. I had already agreed to go to see her show and I did not want to back out. So I decided that I could go by the show, spend a bit of time with K (since we are doing the friend thing, this isn’t dating two women on one night) and then meet up with L later. So that is what I did.

I went to the show and became even more smitten with K. Her work is just amazing and she just rocks. I have dated prettier women than K but for some reason I am extremely attracted to her. Everytime I see her I just want to revel in being with her. I am enchanted in her presence. I want to hold her hand, put my arm around her. I want to kiss her. I want to take her and show her all the things that I value. I want to turn back time so I can show her the most beautiful thing I have ever seen*. I want to know what she thinks about everything. I want to know what makes her smile. I want to make her smile. I want to know what she looks like when she sleeps and what she looks like when she wakes up in the morning. I want to know everything about her. I want to know her life, and for her to know mine, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Did I mention that I have it bad for this woman?

So I went to the show and fell just that much more for this woman.

Then I went to meet L. L is a nice lady. She looks nothing like her picture. L has a large number of issues in her life. I heard about most of those issues. She has a child with a serious illness (not that that would stop me from dating her if I liked her but it was a little too much info for a first date) and an ex-husband. And a whole load of personal problems. She is a nice woman but not someone I would want to date. She apparently likes me quite a bit and wants to go out again.

On the bright side, I am now getting a sense of humor about this whole dating thing.

Slee

*For those who are interested, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen was a lunar eclipse at Lake Powell. Lake Powell is surrounded by ~200 to 400 foot canyon walls. On the night of the eclipse we had parked in a cove. It rained about a half hour before the eclipse. Since the land above the lake is flat, the rain runs off the plateau in waterfalls. So it rained. Then the clouds parted and the eclipse happened. We were sitting in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by waterfalls and the moon turned a deep, dark red. It was bliss. I want her to know that.

2

love’s a bitch. God might or might not have a sense of humour, right now my feeling is Karma is a bitch.

I feel you on all sorts of levels as far as having a thing for somebody like this is concerned. At least she had the courtesy of telling you exactly what was going on. Love is uncontrollable, one of the few emotions that is truly just how it is, and how you have to deal with it regardless of what the other person feels. Let her know, and if she still says the same “let’s be friends” thing… prepare for some torment but know that you can learn to love somebody else.

3

Ouch. I know how it is when you fall hard for someone who doesn’t feel the same. I’m still trying to look for a guy who measures up to the last guy I became smitten with.

The whole “trying to be friends” thing can be hard when you’d really like more, but it helps me to look at it this way: The vast majority of romances don’t last in the long run, but a good friendship can last for a lifetime, so sometimes we’re probably better off having an especially cool and amazing person as a friend than a lover. Hey, I know that isn’t necessarily much consolation, but I tried. :slight_smile:

4

Hmmm…are you finding dates in alphabetical order? I did the same thing too - right now I’m on N :slight_smile:

5

With all due respect, know that this can’t be love. It’s easy to feel that way for someone you’re attracted to before you actually get to know each other. Right now, none of her flaws, foibles, or annoying idiosyncrasies are apparent to you so you have fallen for your image of her as perfection. If you’ve read about the oxytocin effect, then you’ll recognize it in yourself.

It’s lovely and delicious to picture oneself in the midst of a movie-like fantasy of love, but that kind of thing only exists in the movies. Truth is that every day bunches of couples who believed they were madly in love during the first three months are breaking up now, some months later, because they have actually gotten to know each other and realized they don’t mesh that well.

So dial back the imagined love, continue meeting new people, and let K figure out her relationship with the other guy for herself. In the meantime, you’ll be getting to actually know her and you’ll find out whether she’d be good with you or not - that is, assuming that she chooses you. Realize that since she has already chosen someone else, it may be because something struck her about you that rendered you struck off the ‘possibles’ list.

Sorry to be a buzzkill but I think we’d all do well to look with great skepticism on this whole ‘madly in love without even knowing each other’ thing because it doesn’t guarantee a long relationship.

6

I am sorry but I find your last post extremely off-base. Also, of course everyone has a right to their own opinion, but what makes you the supreme Arbiter of Cupid-related-activities? Yes, it’s possible this is puppy love or lust or something else entirely, but, maybe, just maybe, he truly does love this girl at first sight.

I’m a hopeless romantic, so maybe I’m the one at fault here. I’m not trying to be combative, but I think you went over the line with your cynicism.

7

Quiddity, I am not young or dumb enough to call it love at this point. I do think, however, that it could pretty easily turn to that. I want to find out if it will.

I haven’t liked anyone this much in a long time. I am aware of some of her imperfections. There are certainly more that I do not know about but I *want * to learn what those are.

When I came home from work tonight I got an IM from L. Her third statement was that she should have kissed me last night. Oy.

Slee

8

Good God Slee you need to stay the hell away from K.

Also, It’s not fair to your other future date partners if you’re already “smitten” with some other gal.
I’ve got a question for ya’ tho’.
If you’ve really fooled yourself into thinking: “You’re just doing the friends thing.” Why didn’t you take L with you to the art show?
Me thinks it’s because you have an unhealthy obsession with K.

9

It’s not cynicism. It’s how humans work and how they get themselves into sadness and woe and how they earn themselves crushed hearts. It’s all nice and storybook-y to be a ‘hopeless romantic’ but, in the scheme of things, it’s almost guaranteed to be a recipe for disaster.

Did you read the link? Also, check out John Gottman, who has done actual research into what makes relationships last.

There’s ignorance to be fought on all fronts; the topic of romantic pursuit is not without its own myths and misunderstandings.

10

Sadness, woe, and crushed hearts. Are you available for weddings?

11

I think these experiences go a long way into making us who we are. This includes both good times and bad times. I know I wouldn’t be me without my ups and downs.

Also the honeymoon phase is FUN! And many relationships make it through this.

12

Quiddity – if your goal is to advocate that we be kinder to each other, you might want to rethink how you post in MPSIMS threads about people’s dating activities … and/or get a little back story. For instance, if you’d seen the word “another” in the thread title, that might have suggested to you that there had been other threads on slee’s dating adventures, which you might have chosen to investigate before clomping in here with your various pronouncements.

slee – good for you, mate. It sounds like you’re keeping your eyes open and you’re treating people – including yourself – with respect and gentleness. I’m sure you’ve already told L that there’s no future there.

13

**Slee ** - I’m sitting here at my meeting (you know about it via PM) and reading your post. Wow. Oy with L, but of course you can move past that. As for K, be friends, hang in and see how it plays out - you may mellow into a true friendship or she may realize what she’s missing…doesn’t make it easy now, but it is the best way…as I am sure you already know.

14

SHAKES, the reason I didn’t take L to the art show is twofold. The first reason is purely seflish, I want to date K. K knows this. I wanted to go to the art show to spend time with K. Which leads to the second reason I didn’t bring L. It would not have been fair to her. I did not want to bring L somewhere and end up not paying attention to her, which I might have done at the art show. So I cut the art show short to go meet L. Should I have missed the art show? Possibly, but I had already promised K I would be there. It was dumb on my behalf to end up in that situation, I double booked by accident (note to self, buy a calendar). So I cut the show short.

About staying away from K, I have thought about that. There is a choice a)stop doing things with K totally and lose out on knowing an extremely cool person or b) keep doing things with K knowing that it is just a freindship even if it is not what I want the relationship to be. I am choosing option B presently because the enjoyment I get out of being around K as a friend outweighs the disappoinment of being just friends. If that changes I’ll have to reevaluate.

Slee