I shall attend an awkward dinner tonight (friend introduces her new BF she left her hubby for)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Oy vey.

My friend (I’ll call her K.) had an affair, left her husband, and plans to move to another state (leaving her young daughter behind with shell-shocked dad) to be with her new lover. The new lover (I’ll call him P.) has a wife and kids and he’s still living with them (although he has allegedly told his wife that he’s in love with K., but plans to take a year to “acclimate” his children to the idea of him leaving them – seriously, a year. And then he’ll leave his family to be with L.).

K. plans to rent an apartment near P.'s house, work from home, and maybe her daughter will come out to live with her next year for the new school year.

K. has been a tiny bit insufferable these past few months – she’s confused as to why her husband now hates her (“He called me a cunt, can you believe it?!” Yes, yes I can.). All she does is talk about her new lover and how amazing he is. She doesn’t care about anything going on in anyone else’s life – it’s all about her.

Her friends have all slowly deserted her. People don’t invite her to parties anymore, because all she does is talk about her lover and ask people why her husband hates her so much. She says her daughter is “psyched” to move away from the home and family she’s always known to live in an apartment in a strange state hundreds of miles away.

Last week, she texted me and two other friends that she would like to see us for dinner before she moves at the end of the month…and she wants to introduce us to P., who happens to be in town.

The two other friends declined. One of those friends told me she declined because 1) she had no desire to meet P., and 2) she thinks K. has gone crazy and wants to back away from the whole thing. I’m pretty sure that’s why the other friend declined too.

So I am going by myself. :smack: I sooooo do not want to meet P., because he sounds like a douche, but K. and I have been friends a long time and I want to see her off. This dinner is going to suck. P. has already told K. that he was all of her friends to like him, and he’ll do anything to make that happen. Ugh. I don’t want to be friends with this guy. I don’t want to condone their relationship. I also don’t want to preach to her, 'cause she ain’t changing her mind based on anything I say.

All I can say is, he’d better pay for dinner.

2

Well… keep us updated. :smiley:

I’ve also heard that there’s a stomach virus going around… perhaps you can, unfortunately of course, catch it?

3

This is juicy as hell. Thanks for taking one for the team and going to this dinner so you can report back to us on the crazy :slight_smile:

4

You could be setting yourself up to become her “best friend” if you’re the last man standing, you know. Because this won’t work out, she’ll come back, and then you’ll be the one hearing all the details since you’re the one that “stood by her.”

Some friends of mine got caught in this with their next door neighbors - the wife had an affair, left her husband and two kids to be with her lover, got dumped. He was suddenly the abandoned husband’s best buddy, she got to hear the wife’s lame defenses (“I just wanted to be happy! Is that so wroooong? <sob>”).

Going to this dinner is a really good deed, and you know what they say about those…

5

You’re a better man than me, Gunga Din.

6

I don’t think you need to feel obligated to go to this dinner - I wouldn’t. I don’t approve of anything your friend Kay is doing, and I wouldn’t be able to pretend at an awful dinner like that. Well, I would probably be able to pretend, but I wouldn’t want to. Actions have consequences.

7

This sounds very close to a friend of mine. She publicly cuckolds her husband (in person and in front of 600 of her closest facebook friends) and wonders why people judge her harshly. She is going through a classic mid-life crisis in full public view. If she were a man she would be mocked mercilessly. Instead she gets a bunch of enablers and “You go girl” posts. Of course there is a lot of talk behind her back which is countered by tons of YOLO and mean people judge posts.

8

I’m thinking ‘allegedly’ is the correct word choice on your part. Maybe K. should call up P.'s wife, say, “how’s the acclimating going, girlfriend?” and see what reply she gets.

Sounds like a great deal for P., who won’t even have to travel anymore to enjoy his side dish.

9

Man cheats its his fault. Woman cheats, its also his fault. :wink:

Many of these relationchships end badly…and by badly I mean drama, drugs and occassionally abuse. :frowning:

A couple of years ago I had dinner with one such woman whom I had known. She basically said that she left a good, caring and boring man for an entertaining scoundrel who beat her into the Emergency ward. She is now the crazy cat lady.
Men seem to go on a seriel monogamy bit when they do this.

10

If I was P and I found a side bet as stupid as K Id try to get her to invite a friend for dinner. Maybe the friend is just as stupid and we could end up in a three way.

11

Can I be the first to wager… One year will soon be two years, will soon be however long “K” puts up with it? And I’m betting P’s wife is either not in this loop, or P and wife are in an open relationship… and P is stringing K along… I’m not sure which is more drama filled.

and I’m assuming that was meant to be “leave his family to be with K.” since there are only the two initials we’re dealing with here.

12

You’ll have to forgive me for thinking her other two friends come off looking a lot smarter than you here.

Why on earth would anyone willingly wade into such a mess? You are totally setting yourself up to be the one she leans on when the consequences of her choice begin to surface. Like he doesn’t want to see her, or delays the breaking up of his marriage, or her child leaves ‘psyched’ for enraged. And he’s likely to think you’ll be around to pick up the pieces when he shatters this woman.

If you want to ‘send her off’ meet her and only her, share a meal, and be done with it.

After delineating the hot mess that this woman is making of her life, which you’re clearly smart enough to see, you’ve decided to open the door to your world, to the both of them, just inviting the crazy to come on in?

If you’re good with all the drama that will ensue when this goes bad, then step up. If you’re not looking to have lots of that in your life, then step back.

Of course only you can choose, and I wish you nothing but Good Luck whatever you decide.

13

Yes, I’m thinking what RTFirefly posted. He’s devoting a year to acclimation? Dubious, indeed :dubious:

I don’t have advice, but I’ll certainly read your updates. Bon Appetite!

14

Exactly what I was thinking. I wouldn’t have accepted such an invitation. I expect it’s judgmental of me, but what she’s doing is *waaaaay *wrong and I’d be distancing myself from so much wrong.

15

Based on what you said in the OP, if I were in this situation, I wouldn’t go. From my perspective, by going and meeting her lover, you’re implicitly endorsing their relationship. Since you don’t condone it and you have no interest in meeting him, why put yourself through it?

Speaking just for myself, I’d be straight up with her, tell her how I felt, that I think she’s making a mistake and being selfish, probably setting herself up for a rude awakening and that I wasn’t interested in meeting him. At the same time, for yourself, if you want to see her off, which makes sense, you can do it under less uncomfortable circumstances. Perhaps just tell her you’re not comfortable with dinner and you’d rather have a send-off with just her, perhaps over lunch or coffee or whatever.

Yes, I believe that friendship is of great value and that means supporting your friends, but part of that also means that you need to call them on their bullshit and be the voice of reason. Sure, they might be angry at you at the time or just ignore you, but from my own experiences, the friends I trust most are the ones that have done that for me and understand and accept it from me when I’ve done it for them.

Either way, if you do decide to go, best of luck that it doesn’t get too uncomfortable and you can have some closure.

16

I’ve been in this situation a few times. Once I was the left-behind husband, other times I was the best friend.

Here’s the deal. At some point when your judgment-impaired friend is picking up the pieces, she could either lean on you for support OR blame you for not having warned her what a mistake P. would turn out to be. Maybe even both.

Frankly, I’d keep my comments down to “I’ll miss you when you move. I hope you’ll be happy there.”

17

Yes, what she is doing is truly wrong, but for some reason, I can’t seem to judge her for it. I mean, I think she’s being insane, but what could I possibly say to her? She’s been a good friend to me (although she’s acting crazy right now), and she’s not judged me when I’ve pulled some stupid stunts.

But hopefully, this will be the first and last time I meet this guy. She and I will keep in touch via facebook and texts, which are both easily ignored (in case I’m the only friend left for her to offload on). And no, I will not be joining them in a threesome. :wink:

Honestly, I just feel sorry for her. I feel sorrier for her husband and kid, but I still feel sorry for her. She’s giving it all up for this guy, and we ALL know that it’s not going to end well, right?

I can’t even find it in myself to admonish her. The only thing I’ve said to her that comes close to admonishment is “Don’t you think your daughter is going to miss her dad, if she has to come live with you when the new school year starts?” and she replied “Oh no! She’s so excited. She’ll get to fly on a plane all by herself to go visit him!” She honestly doesn’t see what’s wrong with it all.

And at the same time, I feel like I’m a little bit lucky to be watching this train wreck in progress (that sounds horrible, I know). But these two are just such characters!

18

The capacity of people to delude themselves is infinite and unfortunately that of parents wrt kids is also vast.

19

I’m sorry to hear you were on the other side of this, man. That must have been awful.

And yes, that’s exactly what my comments will be kept to. Honestly, nothing I can possibly say will make either of them change their mind. Perhaps if I was a different kind of friend, I’d sit her down and slap her silly – but I’m not that kind of friend. I’d slap my sister silly if she did this to her family, but not with K. I have no stake in this. Her husband was very nice (from what I could see), but their relationship was never great. Who am I to say she shouldn’t ditch him and go off with her “true” love?

And if it all fails spectacularly, I’ll be there for her as a listening ear. If not just to hear all the juicy details!

20

You mean assholes. You know you do.

But you’ll miss out on the chance to say, “I told you so!”.