Last Friday a woman I work with left work early. She didn’t tell any of us where she was going, just that she had things to do. Monday morning she comes into work with a diamond ring and a new last name. She isn’t a quite person and we all know about her kids, her family, even her bathroom habits (don’t ask), but not one of us even knew that she was dating.
She was a single mom of two kids (7 and 13), 34 years old, never been married, and her family all live at least 1000 miles away. Three months ago she was complaining that she hasn’t had a date in over 6 years. She is a great girl, nice personality, successful career, independent, etc., but in her own words (I think she sold herself short), she didn’t date because she is fat and ugly. She is a large girl, but not someone you would look at and think “fat”, and she is far from ugly, besides, large, unattractive people DO date. She has told us many times that her life is basically work, her new home she just had built, and her kids. She doesn’t really have any friends outside of work.
Two weeks ago she met someone online. She talked about him a little bit and showed us a photo, but it didn’t sound like anything more than an online friendship. He flew here Friday meeting her for the first time and by Saturday they were married. Evidentially, it was planned. He has never been married and sounds as lonely as her. He is now living in her house with her two kids (How would you explain that?? Hey kids, meet your new daddy, oh and go help him bring in his suitcases.) He is working from home via the Internet but is looking for a local job.
I really would love to see her happy but I just have this uneasy feeling. I understand that you can learn about a person through the telephone and e-mail (two weeks??), but I can’t imagine never seeing him in person, never spending time with each other, not having sex, not really knowing him, and marrying a few hours after you meet for the first time? It just blows me away! I have done some pretty outrageous things, but I would never bring a stranger into my home to live with my children.
It’s only been a few days and she is still giddy. Molasses oozes from the telephone a million times each days as they call each other to say “I love you” for the 9000th time. It’s very sweet and it is great to see her so happy, but it’s hard to get over this feeling of doom.
Whaddall think? Am I overreacting?
>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
I’m generally a positive-thinking person, but this has disaster written all over it. You can’t form a basis for a lifetime relationship in two weeks. You said it yourself - they’re both lonely. I wish them the best, but look out. Trouble ahead.
No, not at all, the whole thing makes my skin crawl…
that is it right there, Diane, you nailed it. Where is this womans brain?
Most of us moms check out our babysitters better than that!
This isnt like officegirl wondering if she should run off with her cyber love…this is a major thing for those kids.
(afraid to ask)
Does he stay home with them alone?
Wow, my instincts about this scream “RUN!! RUN!! RUN!!”
Sounds like seriously bad news. I agree, if you don’t have kids, that’s one thing. But to have this man in your home with your children is the height of irresponsibility.
Run for the hills, folks! Or you’ll be up to your armpits in martians!
The woman is a fool. Yes, I’m glad she’s happy too but anyone who would sacrifice the potential safety of their children AND their own life (who knows, this guy might be a psycho!) is not working with a full deck of cards.
It sounds like she convinced herself on how miserable her life was and that became her only focus. When someone DID come along who showed her a little attention, she jumped at it. What does this guy do for a living? I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to be a sponge. Probably “working from home on the internet” is a little cross-wise saying of “surfing for porn”. I guess we’ll see. I feel sorry for her.
One of my co-workers just did something very similar. She met a man on-line about 5 months ago that she just married last weekend. 5 months is a little better than 2 weeks, but for the first 3 months he lived in England and they only communicated via e-mail and telephone. He flew out here about 2 months ago, and the only reason they waited 2 months to get married was that her divorce from her last husband wasn’t final yet. She also has children (the oldest boy is 9, the younger two are twins and they’re 7).
The rest of my co-workers and I are concernced, but we keep saying things like, “Surely he didn’t come all the way to Oregon to rape and murder her, because there have to be women in England he could have raped and murdered. And surely he didn’t come all this way to molest her boys, because there have to be boys in England he could have molested. And surely he didn’t come all this way to take her money, because she’s broke thanks to her worthless ex.” So the only other thing we can think of to worry about is that he’s taking advantage of her just for citizenship. Well, that and the fact that they did rush into this awful fast so are they sure they’re really compatible?
Anyway, my point is, we’re worried about this co-worker getting married after meeting the guy just 5 months ago; I’d be terrified for her if she’d only known him two weeks! I say be prepared for the gory, heartbreaking, gutwrenching break up stories that are bound to follow.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
Yep - He is working from home for his old company via the Internet until he gets another job.
I can’t believe someone who is as intelligent as her can be so goddamn stupid with her kid’s safety. I guess loneliness does strange things to people. Let’s not forget that this guy quit his job making big bucks in a high level position to move across the country to marry a women with kids he has never met in a state he has never been. How smart is THAT? Unless of course he has alternative motives, which is where the scary part comes in.
Earlier today she was beeming as she told us how her son (who has never met his dad) called him “dad” last night. Aside from the physical danger she may be putting her kids into, she is putting them into emotional danger as well by letting them grow attached to this guy this quickly. It should be a slow adjustment for kids. Hell, I don’t even let guys meet my kids unless we have dated for a while, even then, I keep them an emotionally safe distance.
The guy I have been dating since March is wonderful with my kids, he acts just like them - obnoxious :), teases and winds them up until I am ready to kill them all, but I also make them (including him) understand that he is their “friend” not a candidate for a step-date. There is an emotional boundry I won’t let them cross.
Kids grow too attached and are often the most hurt in a break-up. I can’t believe she would push her kids into a relationship this fast. How mentally healthy is it for an 8 year old boy, without a father, to call a guy he met last Friday, “dad”?
>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Gees Diane, that is so similar to my situation, it is spooky.
I told Ted, my 8 year old that ‘B’ is my special adult friend, but that he wont be living with us or replacing his dad, and that he can be ted’s buddy too, but that Ted shouldnt expect us to get married or anything.
and ‘B’ does the same thing, wrestles with them, plays nintendo with them, and grumbles at me if I am ‘mean’ to them. Hrumph! They think he is alot of fun, I want to bean him on the noggin when he gets them all wound up.
Someone should talk to her about the kids and rushing things…maybe just tell her about someone(a made up person) who did the same thing and what happened etc.
You guys in the office sound like the only family around.
Good Luck.
Di and kells –
I know one tend to overact when one hears a story such as this. But did it occur to you that maybe this woman did check the guy out, did fall in love, does trust her children with him, is happy, wants him to live with her, her kids love him, etc., etc.
Not all women need the advice which seems to flow so readily from other women.
Not every man is a pedaphile or wife-beater. Some guys help with the bills. Some guys make their women happy. And love them.
kells, I know how you feel about certain domestic situations and how they effect your littl’uns.
But shouldn’t we support a woman who’s apparently found happiness? Support her decisions rather than give her a litany of faults you’ve found in men.
I know this sounds a bit preachy, but let her live her life. A wedding present might be nice too. Or maybe a belated shower?
My two older kids see their dad all the time and are quite close to him. My youngest doesn’t see his dad so I am especially careful to not let him get too attached. So far, in spite of the fact they love John to death (I think it is the rowdiness, the farting, and the sick crap he teaches them), he thinks of him as only a buddy.
He taught my youngest these two songs and now he thinks John is God.
I’ll share with you all since they are so freakin lovely:
“Wake up Jacob, daddy shot a bear.
Shot him in the bum hole, never moved a hair.”
and
“If I go to heaven before you do,
I’ll dig a hole and poop on you.”
Charming, eh?
Anyway. . . .
Yeah, we are the only “family” she has. Her family is far away and from what she has told us, she doesn’t care much for them. Her mom was/is an alcoholic and married about 50 times, mostly to abusive assholes.
I have talked to her about the kids getting too attached. Her response is that she doesn’t plan on getting divorced so it doesn’t matter. Someone needs to bitch slap her, but even then, I don’t think it would sink in.
I hope it works if only for the sake of her son.
>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
I have to (sort of) agree with ChiefScott, here. The case does sound like a mess waiting to happen, but maybe we should give the guy the benefit of the doubt. There are a lot of lonely people out there. Sounds like this guy was one of them. If he had such a great job back where he was from, and no dependents, he hopefully has some $$$ stashed away to tide him over till he gets a job. Despite the red flags, some of these stories have to work out and I’m willing to hope that this will be one that does. I do hope she’s keeping an eye on him with the kids though. Keep us posted, Diane. I, for one, would love to hear how this turns out!
Did I mention that she met him ONLINE only two weeks ago? She met him in person for the first time hours before her wedding. How much checking him out could she have done in that amount of time?
She is a gaa-gaa-goo-goo, syrupy newlywed, and is very happy. That’s great! I hope it continues forever because she deserves to be happy.
Still - I think it is extremely irresponsible to move a guy who is virtually a stranger into your home with your children. She works 30 miles from home which puts him in the house, alone, with her kids during the morning and after school, again, only a couple of days after meeting for the FIRST TIME!
The odds are that is he not a child molester or rapist, but as a mother, I would never put him to the test using my kids.
If they are so much in love, wouldn’t it have been a lot more reponsible for him to move here, get to know her and her kids and for her and the kids to get to know him? If they are in love enough to marry, then a couple of months wouldn’t change a thing.
>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Everyone, I daresay, hopes this will work out for the best. I have no axe to grind with men and I have no personal horror stories at all. Hey, I like men!
That said, moving a man you’ve never met into your home with your kids is so stupid as to border on criminal. Yes, I hope she’s lucky and it works out, and he’s a great dad and everything’s lovely. But it is an insane chance to take.
Is romance dead? Can a man not fall in love with a woman very quickly? Can a man be ready to be a father, even though he hasn’t experienced, and lived through, his partner’s pregnancy?
Couldn’t this woman have considered all these dire predictions (she seems to care about her kids) and dismissed the idea of this man harming her children? Caution: gross generalization and possibly sexist statement to follow
Women lament the fact that their friends are lonely and have no one to love. Then commence to giving advice and setting them up on dates and helping them make themselves look better so as to attract a man.
And then WHAM it happens!
And all you can now do is look for the bad.
Not only ludicrous, this type of action seems vindictive as well.
“Did I mention that she met him ONLINE only two weeks ago? She met him in person for the first time hours before her wedding. How much checking him out could she have done in that amount of time?”
Yes you did. You don’t know whether she checked. I don’t either. You’re assuming she didn’t. She’s happy now. If there is evidence later then kick in the counselling hormones.
“She is a gaa-gaa-goo-goo, syrupy newlywed, and is very happy. That’s great! I hope it continues forever because she deserves to be happy.”
Then don’t screw with her head by giving her advice you thinks she needs.
“The odds are that is he not a child molester or rapist, but as a mother, I would never put him to the test using my kids.”
Did you ever sleep with someone on the first date? Assuming you’ll say now, I’ll say I have. And I’ve done it because I trusted she wouldn’t hurt (emotionally) me. Trust, like love, is a feeling.
“Trust and first sight” maybe?
She feels she trusts him or she wouldn’t have allowed him to move in. Would you try to talk one of your girlfriends out of love? It’d be silly to even consider you could do it.
Now if you had evidence he was hurting the kids, then yes, it’s your duty to tell her. But then you’re giving fact not opinions.
“If they are so much in love, wouldn’t it have been a lot more reponsible for him to move here, get to know her and her kids and for her and the kids to get to know him? If they are in love enough to marry, then a couple of months wouldn’t change a thing.”
It would have been more responsible for you to “break him in” if it was your relationship. Who are you to say she is irresponsible, just 'cause she didn’t handle the situation the way you would have.
Now ladies, this is an area about which you probably have more feelings than I do.
But from a man (and apparently the only one willing to involve himself in a discussion such as this) who’s had the greatest relationship of his life with a beautiful, interesting, caring woman ripped asunder because of meddlesome girlfriends who thought she should see other guys even though, by her admission, she was happily married, I have to say do not go with your feelings on this one.
I feel you’ll do more harm than good in the long run. (Of course, it goes without saying, that that only applies as long as the guy isn’t Shitboy, or another scoundrel.)
Also I’m quite irked. You’ve dredged up opinions which have caused me to author my longest post ever.
Chief - You know the old sayiing about apples and oranges? This is a perfect opportunity to use that analogy.
Apples - Falling in love, romance, and all that gooshy stuff.
Oranges - Moving a guy, a stranger, into your home not only WITH YOUR KIDS, but to leave him alone with them.
Well yeah, I agree, and it obviously happened with these two, or at least they feel that it did. So?
God yeah! (Sorry, but me things you aren’t getting this.) It happens all the time!
[quote}Couldn’t this woman have considered all these dire predictions (she seems to care about her kids) and dismissed the idea of this man harming her children?
Caution: gross generalization and possibly sexist statement to follow Women lament the fact that their friends are lonely and have no one to love. Then commence to giving advice and setting them up on dates and helping them make themselves look better so as to attract a man.
And then WHAM it happens!
And all you can now do is look for the bad.
Not only ludicrous, this type of action seems vindictive as well. [/quote]
There is a HUMUNGOUS difference between being happy that she found a partner and feeling that she is very irresponsible for moving a man THAT SHE HAS ONLY KNOWN FOR TWO WEEKS into her home that she shares with her kids AND leaving him alone with them for hours!
Again - don’t confuse the “in love” thing with the “responsible parent” thing.
I ain’t assuming shit. She, herself, was joking that she didn’t even know if he has brothers or sisters or where he grew up!
Besides, tell me, how do you check, in a two week period, whether or not a guy has a criminal record? You don’t. Trust me.
I don’t give her anything she hasn’t asked for. Are you psychic?
:::sigh:::
Yes, I have slept with a guy on the first date.
A guy I met online flew out to Utah (after a year of corresponding). We loaded up my car and took a two week road trip through Moab, Zions, Lake Powel, Bryce, Grand Canyon, Navajo Indian Reservation, and Vegas. We didn’t have an itinerary or anything. We just put top of my car down, loaded it up and hit the road. Almost everyone I know told my I was stupid. That I may end up buried in the desert. But me, being me, went for it. We had a great time!
The difference is this -
My kids were at their dads house, my youngest at my mothers. Even though I felt that I knew this guy very well (a year of e-mail and telephone calls will do that) I did NOT put my kids at risk with someone I didn’t know personally. They never met him.
I don’t know of anyone, with the exception of you, who would bring a stranger into their home and leave him with their kids. Do you have kids?
There is a very good chance that this guy is wonderful and will make a wonderful dad - BUT - Just what if he is a molester? I wouldn’t risk my kids to find out. I wouldn’t leave my kids with ANYONE I didn’t know. She admits that they will be spending the next few months getting to know one another.
PURDY PLEASE - FOLLOW ME HERE -
We are NOT talking about falling in love and marrying after two weeks - she is a big girl and can handle herself in that area. The scary thing is moving a stranger into her home with her kids before they get to know each other.
I just hope that you don’t have children.
If you do, would you be okay with an ex-wife marrying someone after a two week internet affair and moving him into her home WITH YOUR KIDS the very day they meet in person? You would have no fear for your kids?
Jeesh!
Now if you had evidence he was hurting the kids, then yes, it’s your duty to tell her. But then you’re giving fact not opinions.
“If they are so much in love, wouldn’t it have been a lot more reponsible for him to move here, get to know her and her kids and for her and the kids to get to know him? If they are in love enough to marry, then a couple of months wouldn’t change a thing.”
It would have been more responsible for you to “break him in” if it was your relationship. Who are you to say she is irresponsible, just 'cause she didn’t handle the situation the way you would have.
Now ladies, this is an area about which you probably have more feelings than I do.
But from a man (and apparently the only one willing to involve himself in a discussion such as this) who’s had the greatest relationship of his life with a beautiful, interesting, caring woman ripped asunder because of meddlesome girlfriends who thought she should see other guys even though, by her admission, she was happily married, I have to say do not go with your feelings on this one.
I feel you’ll do more harm than good in the long run. (Of course, it goes without saying, that that only applies as long as the guy isn’t Shitboy, or another scoundrel.)
Also I’m quite irked. You’ve dredged up opinions which have caused me to author my longest post ever.
Are the planets in some weird alignment?
This has been the wierdest week…
(deep breath) I have to disagree with Scotty, and agree with Diane (exhale)
Scott, honey you are a romantic and dear soul, and I too think a person can fall in love and marry quickly, and if it wasnt for the simple fact that she has kids, I would think this was a beautiful story of romance.
But, she does have kids, and for the rest of her mother years, they must come first, even at the expense of her own happiness.
I will never tell this story again…
about ten years ago, I met this sweet guy, and we clicked right off, we were serious right away, and I loved him,as I knew he loved me. After several months, he sat me down and told me that contrary to what he had told me, yes, he did have a criminal record, and that he had molested a little boy in his building…needless to say, I was past stunned! Every day that had passed was tainted, like the way he had stared at my young cousin and said she was a beautiful child etc…I never thought anything about it,till he told me. It chills me still.
With my mind reeling,and doubting the strength of my own judgement, I ended the relationship. It is an ugly painful period that I never speak of, and wont again.
She cant possibly know him well enough in 2 weeks to leave him with her kids.
Even if he doesnt touch them, he can damage them in other ways, and she cant know how he treats them when she isnt home. If he wasnt living there, the kids would graduallt get a feelfor him, but with him living there, they very well might be too intimibated to talk if he is mean, or verbally abusive to them.
Scott,if I was a friend of your ex’s,I would have told her she was nuts.
Diane, go easy on Scott, he has too good a heart to see what we see.
I agree with Cheif Scott and I’d like to add that I sense jealousy here. How pathetic.
Maybe she doesn’t want or need your advice concerning men. After all, aren’t you the one that is simultaneously sleeping with two men behind their backs?
Sounds like you best mind your own relationship messes…
