HELP Need woman advice....(LONG)

Ok here’s the setup (may be long):

I’ve been dating my current “girlfriend” for about 5.5 years now. I put girlfriend in quotes, because we have essentially become good friends who happen to live together. We decided in August that we were not going to stick together once the Army shipped me out from where we live. (LONG STORY) That WAS supposed to be in November, but because of 9/11, everything got pushed back till June. We would have moved out, and gone alone, but the financial ramifications of sticking one person with the rent would kill them, so we just decided to continue living together even though we were essentially broken up. Had we known in August that we’d be together still until this June, we would have moved out and sublet our apartment. Anyway, the way things are, we’ve got 2 months till we’re out of this place and we go our separate ways.

The relationship is interesting because we still get along, and we still sleep in the same bed (there’s only one in the apartment), but we haven’t had sex since December, and we haven’t had GOOD sex since about last April, so things were already going downhill there. (The sex in Dec. was basically her giving me a mercy screw…I know, not good).

Now, despite the fact that the relationship is doomed, and we’re both just riding the wave till we move out, we have not ventured outside of each other for dating…(One obvious reason is that no new boyfriend/girlfriend would take kindly to our still living together.) She has told me on numerous occasions (at least 5) that she would not care whether or not I did stuff with other women, considering the situation. I’ve always felt awkward about that and never tried anything. UNTIL…

This weekend was my best friend’s wedding. One of the bride’s friends is a fun, pretty girl we’ll call “C.” I met her at the rehearsal dinner (I’m in the wedding party), and she came with a group of us in the wedding party to the hotel that a lot of people were staying at, so we could drink and hang out. I thought she looked pretty cute there, and I sensed that she had an interest in me.

The next day, the day of the wedding, she was all dressed up of course, and she looked awesome. At the reception, we flirted pretty heavily (I guess I was correct about her interest in me), and while I danced with a lot of people that night, we danced quite a bit, and maybe got a little more into it when we were with each other. I asked if she was going back to the hotel, and she offered to give me a ride. (Her friend was driving and was sober…we were a bit tipsy but not too bad.) At this point, we knew there was mutual interest, and my “GF” was the furthest thing from my mind. I decided I was going to take my “GF” up on her offer to let me see other women.

We got in the back of "C."s car and held hands, and kind of leaned on each other…everything felt right, so I just did what felt natural…I kissed her…and she returned it. So I was now happy. We went to the hotel, hung around with her friends for a bit, then finally went into a somewhat empty hotel room, and people got the hint and left us alone. We talked a bit, then I leaned in and kissed her, and, well, we had a good time. (no sex) I ended up spending the night with her. Now, I’m not a player type of guy. I guess you could call this the first “hook up” I’ve ever done at a party.

Anyway, FINALLY, here’s the problem: C. and I both knew going into last night that it would basically be a one night thing. I live in NY, and she lives elsewhere (won’t say here…in case friends read…of course, if she’s reading this, I think she’ll pick it up. :slight_smile: ) Since I’ll be moving even farther away in two months, then to Europe in November, a relationship with her is about as impossible as it gets.

However, while I was just looking to have a fun time originally, I find as I drove home today (nice long drive) that I could not stop thinking about C. I swear, she has not left my mind since I left the hotel. While we were together, I think it was a bit more tender than the typical one night stand, and maybe she felt something stronger too. (who knows). Anyway, now I’m in a spot where I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to tell my “GF” about it, not because I feel guilty (this has not been a “relationship” for a LONG time), but because I don’t really want to strain our friendship for the last two months we’re together. Also, “C” may or may know about “GF”. The entire wedding party knows, and agreed that I should go for it with “C” that night, and so they very well may have told her about it.

In any case, I don’t think “C” knowing about it now or later will be a problem, considering the situation…but I just don’t know what I should do. I really want to see “C” again, and if we lived close to each other, I’d have already asked her on a date. I don’t know her very well, since we’ve only spent about 15 hours together (and a lot of that was asleep), but I feel like if I don’t at least let her know how I feel, and try to meet her at some point before I leave for Germany that I’ll regret it. I have no idea what could possibly come out of telling her because of the logistics of everything, and I don’t want to ruin the memory of last night by having her think I’m being really psycho by calling her after an obvious one night thing. But I just felt a spark with her, and I won’t know whether it’s simply because I haven’t dated anyone new in 5 years, or whether its because she and I could really have something if allowed to grow.

Ok, so after this BOOK has been written, here are choices and my analysis of each so far:

  1. Call “C” (or write, etc) and explain that I really enjoyed myself, and while originally I thought of it as a one night stand, I really want to get to know her better because she seemed like someone I could really click with.
    **Good: **
    a) Could end up with something amazing, and who knows what could come out of it. Maybe we hit it off so well she decides to move to Europe with me and ends up my wife. This is extraordinarily unlikely, but hey…stranger things have happened.
    a) Could get blown off immediately (not that bad, at least I wouldn’t torture myself.), but it would mean that I felt stuff compltely different to what “C” felt, and that would hurt the memory of the evening that I though was so much fun for both of us.
    b) Could meet and then end up with nothing in common and taint the memory of our amazing evening together.
    c) Could piss off “GF” for unknown reasons (says one thing and means another in regards to seeing other people…doubtful but possible) and ruin the friendship we’ve built up over the years.
    d) THE WORST (and not all that unlikely): Could meet a few times over the summer, we hit it off great, but the limited time spent together makes it impossible for “C” to make the decision to leave her job and family to follow me over to Europe…we both end up wondering “what if” for the rest of our lives.

  2. Forget about “C”, realize that due to the distance and time constraints this relationship has no chance to go anywhere.
    Analysis: I see only one outcome for this, and it has both good and bad points: Good: Can’t ruin the memory of the evening for me. Won’t get involved with a girl that’s great for me and then not be able to continue the relationship. Bad: I may always wonder what would’ve happened if I’d called or written.

So, after reading all that, what would you do? Please realize that I am NOT saying that I feel “C” is “the one” or that I fell in love at first sight. I have no idea what would come out of this, I just want to find out what would come out of it. It very well could be nothing…I have only one night to base this on…but right now she’s all I can think about, and she seems like the type of person I would match up well with. I like her a lot.

Jman (whew)

Oh…just one thing to clarify, since after re-reading my post isn’t completely made clear:

There is absolutely no chance of “GF” and I continuing beyond June…the romantic relationship is 100% over and has been for some time, we are just friends and due to financial constraints still happen to cohabitate. Both she and I agree on that.


Well, two things. I can see her being uncomfortable with you and the “girlfriend” living together, so if you do decide on option one, plan to sit her down and explain exactly what is going on, no second-hand accounts. Make sure she’s cool with it, cause I definitely know that some people wouldn’t be.

Second, I think you should go for it. I think that the outcomes in #1 are at least more interesting and fulfilling than in #2.

Okay, I’ll just cut to the chase here, Jman.

No, you will always wonder what would’ve happened. As for “ruining the memory of the evening,” screw it. The only things that can do that are massive brain damage or finding out she’s actually a man (unless, of course, you dig that sort of thing). Go for it. If it’s amazing and magical and keeps being so, then it will eventually cause one of you to take the steps to shorten the long distances involved.

Go for it, for crying out loud.

Easy one.

It depends on the strength of your heart. It seems that the chances of anything developing with C are very remote. If you are carrying emotional baggage from your relationship with your girlfriend and you find you would be traumatized in any way if things don’t work out with C, then do not pursue C. Protect your heart and move on.

If your heart is strong, and you will be able to handle losing a short-term relationship with C, then go for it.

Your heart sounds strong from the OP. Assuming so, I would advise you to contact C. Tell you you had fun and you would like to see her again. Tell her you will be leaving the country and when. If she is not receptive, you have your answer.

If she is receptive, take a dive. Go see her. Roll the dice with your heart. Have fun.

I did this once. I totally threw my heart into a relationship with a woman knowing full-well that it would not last more than 3 months due to logistics. I lived in SoCal, and she lived in Toronto. I was traveling and would return to SoCal by a certain date no matter what happened. She had no intent of moving to SoCal.

We had a great time while it lasted. I knew it would hurt to walk away from her in the end, and it did, but I knew that I had experienced the relationship to its fullest. I look back, and I am glad that I was able to have that experience. You only live once, and the great memories far outweigh the period of sorrow. The sorrow was mitigated by the fact that I knew from the get-go that it wasn’t going to work.

Your relationship and living-situation with your ex-girlfriend seems irrelevant here. If your ex is saying one thing but means another, and you act on her representations, causing her pain, then that’s HER problem for not expressing herself honestly in the first place.

Your ex is now your friend and roommate and should be treated as such. Would you feel the need to disclose the fact that you have a female roommate to people you date? I wouldn’t. The days of Three’s Company are long gone. I would tell C about this only if C asked or it otherwise became relevant.

Remeber, you don’t have any duty to disclose anything to C or to your ex. You don’t have a serious monogamous relationship with either of them, and, until you enter into such a relationship, your dating practices are your business, not theirs.

If it does manage to flourish into something great, then you struck it rich!!! But don’t bank on it.

Carpe Diem.

But JMan’s ex-girlfriend is not only his roommate, but bedmate as well. That makes a hell of a lot of difference. Not telling C of your sleeping arrangements - ie sleeping in the same bed as one’s ex - is cruel. Trust is the foundation of any solid relationship. If a person can’t be trusted to reveal information as important as what we’re discussing here, then that trust is lost.

IMHO, I say track her down, explain your situation, and see if she wants to go on a second date. If she can’t understand your living situation, then she probably isn’t a person you want to spend much time with.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but I know if I were C., I would definitely want to know what I’m getting into.


Yeah, go for it, Jman. You don’t know where it could go; like you said, it could fizzle out on its own, or it could be the real thing, but you’ll never know if you don’t try. If you do start dating, don’t continue sleeping in the same bed as your ex. I know that realistically, I would have problems with a guy I was dating still sleeping in the same bed as his ex. Can you not sleep on a couch or something? And do tell C what the living arrangements are; she will find out soon enough (if she doesn’t know already), and any delay in telling her looks like a guilty conscience.

I’m going to play the wet blanket here: I was in a nearly identical situation a few years ago. I had been living with my GF for 5.5 years, just like you, and we were broken up but still living together, just like you. It’s an emasculating experience. Anyway, I had what seemed like a “connection” with a single woman. I didn’t try to follow up on it because I, like you, was leaving town shortly. And now I’m glad I didn’t.

To put it bluntly: When you’re coming out of a long relationship like that, your dating perspective is completely screwed. You have no idea what constitutes something working or not working, and you will be even worse than guys normally are at reading “signals.” What are you looking for with this gal? What is she looking for? Unless you two have spelled it out, you have no idea.

My advice is that you take a couple months (when you can) and meet lots of women to get yourself back on track and figure out what “dating” means. It took me years. I dated a woman for a while who I was sure was The One, and I made every time I was with her as heavy and fraught with meaning as a Russian novel. And hey, big freaking surprise: The whole thing was about as much fun as a Russian novel. I say hold off until you’ve got some perspective and you’re not “on the rebound.”

That’s my advice: free, and worth every penny.

And I agree: If you do decide to see C again, make absolutely sure she knows what your living arrangements are.

My yardstick in deciding things like this is to pretend I’m 80, and looking back at the situation. I ask my (80 year old) self if I regret what I did (imagining both scenarios). This usually makes me act, because you can always regret not acting, but if you act and the good stuff doesn’t follow, well, you’re really no worse off. Occasionally, I feel I will regret the act, and then I sit up and take notice.

For me there is always a clear idea of one scenario in which I would regret, and the other in which I wouldn’t (even if it turned out bad). YMMV.

When I was about 12, I looked around me and decided that I was not going to have ANY regrets when I was old. So far, I’m going pretty well. :slight_smile:

Good luck, and more specifically, if you do go for it… definitely be 100% upfront about your living arrangements. Finding out from somebody else would be a definite relationship-killer.

I definitely agree that you should go for it. One caveat, though, is when you call her up, I wouldn’t “explain that I really enjoyed myself, and while originally I thought of it as a one night stand, I really want to get to know her better” etc. Leave out the part about the one night stand. This could only serve to offend or insult her if she didn’t feel the same way. If she did think of it that way, and hasn’t thought of you since that night (“Jman who is on the phone?”), you lose nothing by merely saying hey, I really had a great time the other night, and you seem like someone I would enjoy spending time with, would you like to get together sometime. Or whatever. But if she was having the same feeling as you, that there might have been something more than a one-night stand type of thing, your characterization of it as such will probably alienate her.
But, I’m thinking I disagree that you need to tell her about your arrangements with “GF”. If you already know up front that nothing serious or long-tern can come of the thing with C, no need to stress the interaction by unloading the complexities of your situation on her right away. At any point where it’s looking like there’s any potential for a continuing relationship, of course, it becomes imperative that you explain your circumstances. But if you’re just planning on seeing her one, maybe two more times, having fun exploring that spark, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping it fun and uncomplicated. Just don’t plan on bringing her back to your place (duh).

I also don’t see any reason why you should have to tell “GF” about it in any case. I think Bearflag70 had it just right when he said

It does make sense to try to avoid conflict with “GF” because you still have to live with her, but I’d say that means that if you call up C you shouldn’t tell “GF” about it, not that you shouldn’t call C at all.

On the other hand, I want to see what Manda JO has to say about this. Whatever she says, is right, and you should follow her advice.

Thanks everyone, I think I’m going to call her. Now, the bad thing is that I don’t have her phone number. I’ve tried looking it up with information and came up empty. (Not unusual for a single woman to have an unlisted number). I know I’ll be able to get it from my friend’s wife, but they’re on their honeymoon and won’t be back for a week. Ugh…looks like I’m waiting a week. I guess that week long wait would be good, so I don’ t look like a needy freak or something. :slight_smile: Anyway, in the meantime, I still can’t stop thinking about her…I’ve even lost most of my appetite, which is very unusual for me. Ahhh…the things girls do to us menfolk.


Ah- White Lightning beat me to the rescue!
I was just going to tell you NOT to say anything about “I originally thought it would be a one-night stand, but blah blah.”
Much better to leave that out of it. There is just no need to go there, even if the two of you joked around about a one-nighter at the time, because a woman is going to be much more flattered if she doesnt think you thought of her as a one-nighter, even if she’s not interested in a future with you. Make no mistake, women can have huge egos too, and if she does have an interest in you, she’s going to want to think that you adored her at first sight, and even if she’s not interested, well, better to be gentlemanly in your description of the evening.
Besides, where I’m from, the term “one-night stand” means sex. What if she thinks you were so drunk you thought you’d slept with her?
:o :stuck_out_tongue:
Good luck and go for it!

Yeah, I won’t mention the whole one-night thing. I meant it in the way that we KNEW that it was basically only for one night since we live 5 hours apart from each other. After our time alone that evening, I certainly didn’t want it to be one night, and I did think she was great from the first time we talked. I’m not the kind of guy that just picks up a girl to fool around with, which is why I think I’m having a hard time letting go after this. I only feel comfortable doing physical stuff with someone I like and get along with. I could not see fooling around with someone I feel is a jerk, or boring, or uninteresting. She is pretty, nice, fun-loving, and hopefully thought the same of me…only time will tell, I guess.

She did mention that she would be coming by NY this summer, and she might like to stop by for a visit, but I think I’ll have just moved to VA when that comes. Even if nothing comes out of it, I wouldn’t mind just talking with her on the phone for a while. So, I’m going to call, but like I said earlier, it’ll be a week or so before I can get her number (WHY didn’t I ask her for it when I left??? :confused: )

If you would like to share, I’d be interested to see how this turns out, if you don’t mind posting an update down the line.

Just a thought, Jman.

Good luck.