Hello all,
As some of you may be aware I got dumped a couple of months ago by my long term girlfriend. Since then I’ve been dealing with all the usual insecurities, but it has got easier with time.
Anyway…
I’ve met someone who I’ve fallen for hook, line and sinker. A wonderful girl - we share common interests, humour, lifestyles etc etc…spend loads of time together and there’s huge amounts of chemistry between us. It’s a match made in heaven.
Unfortunately…she has a long-term boyfriend, and this is the bad part - she seems pretty crazy for him. I’m very confused because mentally and emotionally, our relationship seems to go beyond mere ‘good friends’ - I’m certain she’s interested on the same kind of level I am. Anyone else had to deal with this? How did it turn out? Although I’ve only known her a few weeks I would be tempted to say that this one could do me maybe for life if it happened - and I don’t say that lightly. Any advice?
My gut feeling is that she hasn’t realised on a conscious level how she feels and if she did, then things would start moving HOWEVER, if I push it then I believe it could all come tumbling down. I think SHE has to get there by herself, you know?
You seem to believe, in the face of evidence against, that she shares your feelings.
That’s not a pleasant combination of circumstances.
You’re right that if she does have strong feelings for you she has to realize them herself. I can’t see you trying to force her to realize it. That’s got ‘Grade B Movie’ written all over it. (“You love me! You just don’t know it yet! You will…eventually.” )
Just keep reminding yourself: If you get involved with her right now, knowing she has a long-term boyfriend, you’re getting a girl who cheats on her boyfriend.
You need to chill, dude. You’re only a few weeks out of a dumping, so it’s still messing with your mind. And if you did happen to hook up with her, it’d be a deadly combination of rebound chick and chick who cheats on her boyfriend.
I just ended a relationship where I was the other guy. I felt guilty about her cheating, but not enough to stay away. I ended the relationship when she wanted me to go away with her. This was terrifying. If she left him for me, many questions would have to be answered. The one that trumped the rest was: did I really want her?
I know I’m a jerk. But, the moral of the story is, do not get involved with someone already involved. So, stay away from her as much as possible. You can still be her friend, but for now that is it! If this chemistry you speak of is really that potent something real may develop down the road.
I’ve got no advice to add other than what Jonathan Chance and the other posters have already said.
But ever since I saw your thread title I can’t get the line from the song Girl Trouble by the Violent Femmes out of my head: “Have mercy on me people, I got girl trouble up the ass.” Lyrics.
If she was interested in being in a stable romantic relationship with you, she would be with you and not with someone else.
I know it sucks, but step back, take a deep breath, keep your rocket in your pocket and accept that until she is single again, the two of you are friends, and nothing more. Like others have said, if she’ll cheat with you she’ll cheat on you.
Whilst I appreciate your concerns, which are sensible enough, I’m not entirely witless. Everyone who’s seen us together has commented on how well suited we seem and although I suppose I am on the rebound, there IS something about her which is special.
She’s not about to cheat on her boyfriend and I wouldn’t want that in any case.
I am sure this wonderful woman has no interest at all in keeping Mr. Almost around while she has her relationship with Mr. Rightnow. After all she doesn’t flaunt her string of two in front of your friends. Oh, wait, all your friends . . .
I wonder if there is a Mr. Three.
Tell her you can’t be just friends. She has to choose, but you don’t have to tell her to do so. You just have to honest about what you are looking for, and you want a world without the other guy. If you can have it, fine. If not, you need to get on with your own life. You don’t need to be her safety valve.
The fact is, most every woman you meet in your life, with a very few exceptions will have a “boyfriend” right now. It’s a girl thing. It just isn’t acceptable to tell a man that you are not in a committed relationship. Never mind if the guy has been her fiancee for fifteen years, he sits in the boyfriend chair. When she decides she wants a particular guy, she doesn’t tell him about Mr. Chair. Then if things work out, Mr. Chair gets to become Mr. Door. He usually doesn’t mind all that much, because she was just Ms. Convenient anyway.
The only way to deal with it is be honest, and be forthright. You don’t want to be Just Friends. If you were really friends, there would not be a “Just” in front of it. And neither of you would expect it to be different. If you want something, you have to tell someone. Don’t waste time.
I certainly hope there’s a Mr. Three. See, if a girl’s going to have two boyfriends, she ought to have three or more, and each one should be informed that he is not the One and Only. That way, instead of wondering whether he’s Mr. One or Mr. Two, and staging “you have to choose between us” dramas, the guy should enjoy the time they spend together, and quit obsessing and being jealous. Realize where he stands, or move on. Hmmph.
One or three. Never two.
As a woman who has a good number of male friends, I was going to come down on you until I read this part, then it all made sense.
I broke off my previous relationship and started up with the guy who’s now my husband, but I do have to reiterate - you don’t want a woman who’ll cheat on her boyfriend, if you have any intention of becoming said boyfriend after. And I second the recommendation of others that you’re on the rebound, and as such that’s not a good time to be thinking that you’ve found the woman who’s “the one.” You’ve only known her a few weeks, too - most people are still on their best behavior around friends during that time.
Sure, it could work. Maybe. I rebounded with the guy who’s my husband now but we dated then lived together for years before we got married, and not all of that time was a picnic. Most people I know who got into rebound relationships are out of them.
My advice, as someone who’s been through it? Lay off her somewhat. Let it cool down. You can hang out with her occasionally, but like Tris said, it’s a rough kind of “friendship” and probably not very healthy for you right now. If she wants to break it off with her current boyfriend, she’s got to do that on her own.
While some people have easier rebounds than others, just about everyone i’ve ever seen has been in a rush to jump without any particular concern with where. I’d concur with the above if you truly can’t be just friends. If you can be, then you’re far better off not, AND KEEPING YOUR EYES OPEN FOR SOMEONE ELSE, because:
1.) someone who goes this well with you is not someone you want to lose as a friend
2.) your chances will be a lot better when she doesn’t have a bf she’s crazy for.
I can picture not circumstance under which you trying to bring this to her attention would be a good thing. if you decide to go for the “tell her” option stick strictly to your own feelings and let her figure herself out. You’re very right in that so don’t forget it.
Been there, done that, hope to never be there again.
oh, look up “latter theory” if you get a chance, may be relevant.
green_dragon, lets look at it another way. Suppose you are her boyfriend & some guy comes along thinking she is perfect for him & takes her from you. How are you going to feel then?
“takes her from you?” She’s a girl not a peice of furniture handy if she were to leave him for me it would have to be because she thought we’d be better suited to each other as well - yeah he’s gonna feel bad (been there myself) but everyone’s got to pursue their own happiness. I’m all for looking after other people’s feelings but her relationship with her boyfriend is her own business, not mine.
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