Need help.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I had a complicated relationship with a woman I simply loved as much as family - we were together for two years, broke up, met each other again though Facebook, (this time she had a daughter of the age of 3 I believe, who I fell in love with as well), dated for another 2 years, broke up, but remained best friends until she found another guy who didn’t like me around.

I simply can’t be as nuanced as I’d like in talking about the relationship as a whole. I KNOW I’m not 100% innocent of any wrong doing. That said… It’s been (maybe) 10 years an I still resent her for writing me on Facebook saying that we can no longer talk anymore. The most heart breaking thing to me is that her daughter and I were very close, though I wouldn’t say I was a father type to her… Which was one of the reasons we both acknowledged was a reason to break up. But I swear I loved her. I just wanted to be friends after we broke up. I told her from the very start that it was a concern of mine to get involved with two people, she always said we would forever be friends… So I didn’t worry.

I was 29, (I think,) when I lost my virginity the second time we dated. The first time we dated, I waited because she had been through trauma in the past. In hindsight, I would have rather stayed a virgin had I known it would complicate things.

I’m NOT someone who bothers people after they say they don’t want to have friendship anymore, but I did write her twice…

The first time, I told her how I knew she would find success in life. That I didn’t feel things were resolved for me, so that’s why I wrote her. She wrote back saying she thought of me every day. That it was not her husband who made her cut contact. And that hated be how things ended.

I still didn’t feel it was resolved. So I wrote her, maybe a year and a half after the first time I had written her.

I said that there was more I had to say. Her husband was a dick to me. He wrote me a letter putting me down, calling me nothing but “peasant” and some other insulting things. He also scoured through a LONG ass list of posts on a message bored that he knew I posted on. He read, like, everything be I had said in this message board. And I pointed out that, on top of all that… She didn’t have much good to say about this man she is now married to. And then I brought up her daughter. I said I loved her, but chances are she doesn’t even remember me, and I’ll never forget her. I don’t know… I just care about her STILL. I asked my ex not to reply to the message unless she feels anything I said was unfair - she never replied.

I love them enough to leave them alone… But I can’t help the hurt. We were SO close. I can’t help but hurt. I’m willing to admit that I’m obsessed to some extent. I’ve tried to forget it all, but the fact that she married a man that reminded me of the kids who bullied me in school makes it so much harder.

I’m trying very hard to get over it. I’m trying to forgive everyone involved. It’s just that my mind is trained to dwell on this now. It’s been -like- more than 10 years I’ve been sad over this.

2

As cathartic as is may feel to let it out on a board like this, in all the time I’ve been this board and somethingawful.com, I’ve never seen anyone be able to get over their issues without professional or spiritual help. Post all you want to let it out, but please talk it out with someone live, even if it’s just a over the phone.

That said, keep in mind that people often say what they think you want to hear (your former friend, can’t call her an ex at this point) and you often read/hear what you want to. When my brother and sisters and I reconciled during the last couple of years of her life and began sharing what she told them, my sisters were shocked that my Mom told different stories to each of us according to what she thought we wanted to hear. “Mom lies?!” My answer, yep, a lot and I’ve known it for a long, long time!

3

Thank you. I’ve seen three shinks since. I’ve tried to take their advice.

I just genuinely loved. Maybe I’d feel guilty letting go of that love, because for me love has been forever. (Parents/brother).

I know people on here can be blunt… I just hope they know that these are cliff notes. I DO blame myself a lot. I’m not in love with her romantically anymore. But…

And her daughter. I feel guilty not knowing if she’s ok.

I called her ex because she’s really the only girl I’ve ever dated.

I know what you’re getting at though. Thanks for replying.

4

There’s a certain type of woman who’s drawn to controlling abusive types, which her husband certainly seems to be. When some of these women are in a relationship with someone who is not controlling or abusive, they can be emotionally manipulative, as subconsciously they don’t have respect for that person.

In other words, she was playing with you. Her husband may be an abuser, but she was toying with you like a cat with a mouse. It sounds like an extremely unhealthy relationship and she does not sound like a good person.

I agree that you should seek some therapy. It’s not healthy to have so much of your happiness be dependent on someone else. You were looking for a savior, and saviors always lie.

5

Interesting take… I don’t think this man is controlling or abusive. Way more aggressive, sure.

I know she loved me. There’s so much more to the story. She had lived with her abusive parents at the time, and looking for an out. I couldn’t provide it. Her parents would tell her child to beat her up.

She had reasons to let her old life go.

I don’t think I want to play the blame game. I think I’m over that.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying it’s very unlikely in my opinion. I honestly think she loved me.

6

I knew before you posted that she came from a fucked up family. If “not a good person” is a little harsh, she is clearly damaged. Damaged people need a lot of help before they can really relate to other people in a way that the other person deserves. She’s not good for you and you would be better off moving forward rather than pining.

And her husband is clearly controlling and abusive. Non-abusive people do not try to control who their partner can talk to. He is trying to isolate her. I’ll bet you’re not the only person he is trying to cut out of her life.

7

Perhaps. I happen to know she’s a vocal feminist now… But I guess that doesn’t mean anything.

I’m heart broken about her daughter. She’s lucky she probably doesn’t remember or care about abruptly never seeing me again.

I regret knowing her as a whole. But now she seems to be excelling in life and I’m glad for her and daughter, I just feel like I wasn’t on her level intellectually. I mean, she’s smart and he challenge her more, perhaps.

8

Plenty of vocal feminists get involved with abusive men.

I’m only going to say this one more time. Your relationship was unhealthy for both of you. You need to move on. It’s not good to be so obsessed after the fact. If you can’t move on by yourself, there is no shame in seeking help. If the three therapists you have seen didn’t help, try a fourth.

9

I gotcha the first time, though I didn’t address it.

I agree.

10

Don’t sell yourself so short. You’ve spent how many years on this person? It’s time to STOP.
Quit looking back.
You sound like a perfectly nice person. Someone out there will want you.
Keep swimming forward. There’s more fish ahead.
Good Luck.

11

Thank you so much. Thanks to everyone who read this. I do feel better laying it all out.

12

If I seemed a little harsh, I’m only telling you what I wish someone had told me bavk in the day.

13

Not at all. This is the straight dope after all.

14

Just my observations, for what they’re worth:

  1. Somehow despite the two post-break-off letters, you still didn’t get closure. Is it possible your belief that love lasts forever makes it hard for you to believe she doesn’t love you? She’s said she thinks about you every day. It just seems to me like it might on some level seem like the relationship is on an indefinite pause, even though intellectually you know it’s over.

  2. You two were very close. The more intimate people are emotionally, the more painful it is to have it end. You got REALLY attached to her, so much so I wonder if your identity got mixed up in the attachment. Did she provide you with something you couldn’t find within yourself?

  3. You were more emotionally dependent on her than vice-versa, or she found it easier to transfer her emotional dependence to the now-DH.

  4. Her DH is a mighty insecure guy. Only someone really insecure would go to all the trouble of reading all your emails and posts. Those guys can make a big show of being possessive and protective, and that’s appealing to some people, particularly to people who feel vulnerable.

  5. Whether or not the DD remembers you, you were still an influence on her. You can’t hope for more than that.

  6. What are your boundaries? What are **your standards for a relationship? I’d think one would be “Someone who sees me as a valuable friend and treats me accordingly.” For whatever reason, she didn’t meet that standard.

15

  1. I don’t know about love. I feel conflicted and my emotions are tangled. I for sure still care about them. Her daughter perhaps more so, because I can’t harbor any anger towards her. Not that I harbor much anger towards her mother, but I would’ve want to be friends. It’s not romantic love if I still love her.

  2. We helped each other out. Both times we knew each other. We were so close. She said in her letter to me that she doesn’t know what she would’ve done without me, considering her home life. Now I’m going through some things, but no one’s really here for me besides my family. I’m not above admitting I’m a little jealous of her because of how she’s adapted, and I haven’t.

  3. I think she wanted me to ‘be that guy’ to take her away from everything, and I wasn’t. She was disappointed perhaps. She contacted me the second time. I think I was always on her mind.

  4. True.

  5. that helps. Thanks.

  6. I’m not exactly clear as to what you are getting at. I’m sorry.

16

I think I get 6. One of my standards of being my friend is that you don’t go away, so she doesn’t meet my standards?

17

I don’t think I expressed that we dated twice, both for 2 years. Once when we were even younger. That’s when we held off from sex. Then later we dated after she found me on Facebook.

18

I’m curious what type of answer you’ll get here that your three therapists haven’t already given. You’ll probably get someone who says “Go for it, get her out that crummy relationship!”, but keep in mind that 1) no one here knows you personally and 2) as much as everyone, including myself want to help. there’s NOTHING that can be done on an anonymous boardthat can’t be done better by speaking to someone line in person. Someone who can react instantly to your saying yes, while shaking your head no.

That said, putting on my “I’m not therapist, but I’ll play one for now.” coat:

You say she *loved *you. Note the past tense. Like you, I have only one ex, who undeniably *loved * me, but there were some dark demons in her closet that made her fall in love with me. I loved, her more than anything else in the world, but I’ve since realized that (and now confess) she was conveniently there and my love for her was never sincere. I’ve fallen in love, several times after, but never was able maintain or start a relationship because I now realize cliche warning, I don’t love or even really care about myself.

Right after she left me (shortly after my Dad unexpectedly passed away), I went back to see a therapist and the first thing she told me was that when you break up, it’s like that person died. Sure I was able to talk and see her couple of times over the years, but her “living” was only in my heart. In her heart, I was a ghost of the past that she forgot.

As for her daughter, unless you have proof of her Mom or Dad physically or mentally abusing her, where you the right and obligation to inform the local law enforcement/CPS of, you have no, nada, zilch, zero right, legally or morally to ask or say ANYTHING about her, to ANYONE!! She is biologically your EX’s DAUGHTER and assuming her husband has legally adopted her, she’s HIS DAUGHTER ALSO! Keep you nose, mouth, eyes and ears, and for heaven’s sake if you ever see her again, hands off her!

If by some bizarre chance, your ex want’s to get back together again, REFUSE!!! Not only is your renewed relationship destined to fail because you’re both messed up emotionally (though for all we know she may have gotten much, much, much better, unlike you), but more importantly despite your claim that she’s forgotten about you, when you first met her, she was three, then was five when you broke up. So at best, she remembers that someone was there, then suddenly not there. Heaven forbid that she remembers her biological Dad disappearing too! Now she’s in her teens, struggling with teen angst and absolutely doesn’t need “Daddy, Uncle, Friend” from her youth reappearing in her life.

As for you ex’s husband being controlling. All we’re hearing is you interpretation of what and why he’s doing what he’s doing. There’s always the other side of the story, and for all we know, your contacting her may be causing her untold angst and he’s doing what he needs to, to protect her. No matter how people try to categorize love, everyone’s love is different. STOP trying to impose YOUR IDEA of how things SHOULD BE on someone else’s life!

Taking off my coat and going back to being just somewhat, sometimes jerkish lingyi

19

Let me tell you a story man. I loved a girl in high school, we fooled around and time went by and drifted apart. I found her again later as she was going through a divorce and had a daughter. A national tragedy took place and brought us together, we fell in love, got married, we had two children together, the house, even the fence everything and her daughter from a previous marriage.

As of this writing those were the happiest years of my life. We grew resentful, bitter, and angry. Even at the divorce proceedings I didn’t want it to end, but things fall apart, the center cannot hold. She was the only woman I ever loved, but you know what that love turned to hate, bitter hate, I live for the day I see that bitch in her grave. She gave me my children and they are the only people in this world I actually love now that I know what love is, and what it can be.

I loved her little girl too, but I’m not allowed to see her anymore, such is life.

You will hold on to little scraps of the past and rationalize about holding on to a love that was never there, unrequited so you don’t have to move on, don’t do that man, let it go and take a risk and you will find love again. Don’t put anyone on a pedestal above you.

20

Nm