I’m curious what type of answer you’ll get here that your three therapists haven’t already given. You’ll probably get someone who says “Go for it, get her out that crummy relationship!”, but keep in mind that 1) no one here knows you personally and 2) as much as everyone, including myself want to help. there’s NOTHING that can be done on an anonymous boardthat can’t be done better by speaking to someone line in person. Someone who can react instantly to your saying yes, while shaking your head no.
That said, putting on my “I’m not therapist, but I’ll play one for now.” coat:
You say she *loved *you. Note the past tense. Like you, I have only one ex, who undeniably *loved * me, but there were some dark demons in her closet that made her fall in love with me. I loved, her more than anything else in the world, but I’ve since realized that (and now confess) she was conveniently there and my love for her was never sincere. I’ve fallen in love, several times after, but never was able maintain or start a relationship because I now realize cliche warning, I don’t love or even really care about myself.
Right after she left me (shortly after my Dad unexpectedly passed away), I went back to see a therapist and the first thing she told me was that when you break up, it’s like that person died. Sure I was able to talk and see her couple of times over the years, but her “living” was only in my heart. In her heart, I was a ghost of the past that she forgot.
As for her daughter, unless you have proof of her Mom or Dad physically or mentally abusing her, where you the right and obligation to inform the local law enforcement/CPS of, you have no, nada, zilch, zero right, legally or morally to ask or say ANYTHING about her, to ANYONE!! She is biologically your EX’s DAUGHTER and assuming her husband has legally adopted her, she’s HIS DAUGHTER ALSO! Keep you nose, mouth, eyes and ears, and for heaven’s sake if you ever see her again, hands off her!
If by some bizarre chance, your ex want’s to get back together again, REFUSE!!! Not only is your renewed relationship destined to fail because you’re both messed up emotionally (though for all we know she may have gotten much, much, much better, unlike you), but more importantly despite your claim that she’s forgotten about you, when you first met her, she was three, then was five when you broke up. So at best, she remembers that someone was there, then suddenly not there. Heaven forbid that she remembers her biological Dad disappearing too! Now she’s in her teens, struggling with teen angst and absolutely doesn’t need “Daddy, Uncle, Friend” from her youth reappearing in her life.
As for you ex’s husband being controlling. All we’re hearing is you interpretation of what and why he’s doing what he’s doing. There’s always the other side of the story, and for all we know, your contacting her may be causing her untold angst and he’s doing what he needs to, to protect her. No matter how people try to categorize love, everyone’s love is different. STOP trying to impose YOUR IDEA of how things SHOULD BE on someone else’s life!
Taking off my coat and going back to being just somewhat, sometimes jerkish lingyi