Gay love advice. (A love triangle)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, I’ve got a situation that I need advice on. I dropped into a gay bar (I’m gay) here in SF on my way home from work one night last week. I met the sweetest guy, about 45, tall, cute, a charmer. His name is Christopher. We chatted for hours. During our conversation, he told me that he had a boyfriend. I was a bit disappointed, but realized that we could still be friends. He was such a nice guy. He said that his bf normally travels out of town about one week per month. After about 3 hours of chatting, I started to really get into this guy, but I realized that I should probably go home. So, I told him that I should go home. He said, “do you wanna come by my place for a drink?”. Well, without even thinking, I said yes. He was very sincere.

As it turns out, he lived on the same street and same block of me. Small world. So, I followed him to his place. He gave me a brief tour of his house (which was very nice, I must say). By this time, it was nearing 11pm. Then, we were standing in his bedroom and I kissed him. He was very receptive to my advances. In fact, we spent the next 30 minutes in a perpetual lip lock. He told me that he wanted me to spend the night with him, and I said yes. We stripped, and went to bed almost immediately. We cuddled and kissed and slept all night. However, we did not have sex. We simply cuddled and kissed (and slept) all night. Christopher was the best cuddler ever. My phone/alarm went off at 6:30am and I said goodbye, but first I gave him my contact information.

He sent me an e-mail later in the day, asking me if I’d like to join him and a few friends at a local bar for their weekly end of work-week celebration. I did, but could only stay for a few minutes, due to prior plans. I saw him, we hugged and he introduced me to his friends. Then, I had to leave to have dinner with some friends, but I told him I may be back later in the evening. Well, about two hours later, he called me and asked where I was and if I was going back out. He happened to be about a block away from me, so I met him a few minutes later. As we were chatting, some of his other friends saw us and we all went to a bar and had a drink and some conversation. Christopher held my hand off and on during the entire time at the bar, and his friends didn’t seem to notice that he was holding hands with someone who wasn’t his bf. It was getting late and I was tired, so I told him I was going home. He gave me a kiss goodbye and said he’d talk to me later.

I won’t go into any more excruciating detail, but I will say that my weekend plans did not allow me to spend any additional time with him, with the exception of lunch on Saturday afternoon. I will also mention that in our e-mail chat on Friday afternoon, he said that he was glad that we met and he enjoyed our night together. I told him that I enjoyed sleeping with him and that if he ever needed a sleep partner, to give me a call. He said he would definitely take me up on that offer.

His bf is back in town now and I have heard from him since. He mentioned that he wanted to have me over for dinner so that I could meet his bf. (Forgot to mention, they have an unofficial don’t ask, don’t tell relationship). I asked Christopher is he had guys over to spend the night often and he said that I was his first one since he’d moved to SF a year ago. I believe him.

Now, my confession. I’m totally smitten with this guy. I can’t stop thinking about him. I normally don’t fall for guys in such a short amount of time or guys who are in relationships, but there is something about this guy. I’m okay with the fact that he’s in a relationship and I can live with the fact that I’d be the “other man”. I’d even be happy just sleeping with him when his bf is out of town. But, I think I am secretly hoping that after all is said and done, he’ll fall completely in love with me and we’ll live happily ever after. But if that were to happen, I’d probably be worried constantly about whether I was his boyfriend of the month. Can anything good come from this relationship? We are both adults and we both know what the expectations are. I am not out to destroy any relationships, but I can’t help the way I feel about this guy. Should I end it and be thankful for the experience? Or should I just enjoy the limited time we would have together?

2

'kay…couple things. 1) You need to find out if “don’t ask, don’t tell” means “open” or “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”. There’s a huge difference. If you don’t want to hurt anyone, you need to make sure it really is “open.”

  1. I’m getting a vibe from you that “open” might not be what you really want. You sound like you would need an exclusive relationship before too long. If that’s who you are, save yourself some heartache and walk away.

Quite a dilemma. Glad I’m not in your shoes. Good luck!

3

Well, I’m not a man, and as such, I have limited experience with gay relationships.

However, I am a straight woman, and as such, I have experience with men.

So. If you just want to have a good time, lots of romance and cuddles - go for it. But going into a relationship wishing it was going to be something that all signs are suggesting it’s not going to be is a recipe for getting your heart trampled on.

I think your fears are totally justified - either you’ll wind up being a fuck buddy, or you’ll wind up as the boyfriend waiting to be dumped for the next fuck buddy.

Obviously, you really like this fella, but I think if you’re looking for anything other than a fling with him I would run screaming for the hills.

YMMV, void where prohibited, etc, etc.

4

There’s one thing that seriously bugs me about what you posted. A “don’t ask don’t tell” arrangement doesn’t jibe with an invitation to come over and meet the boyfriend unless there’s some serious mind games going on in their relationship. My impression of that kind of arrangement is that you don’t tell the other person who you’ve slept with, or even if you’ve slept with someone else. Getting your bedbuddy to dinner to meet the SO (even or especially if he doesn’t TELL him that you’re the current bedbuddy) isn’t anywhere in that equation if there’s any kind of respect on either side.

Disclaimer: I’m speaking as someone whose relationship is wide open and has been since the beginning, not as a proponent of exclusivity.

5

Don’t do it. I am also not a gay man, but a straight woman in an open marriage.

You’ll either end up disappointed, suspicious, demanding, jealous, or some combination thereof.

Open relationships only work if everyone is honest with each other. In order for that to happen, everyone has to be honest with themselves. Deep down, you don’t want to share this guy. So don’t. You cannot change him, so walk away. Just walk away.

And, since I know I never would have taken my advice were I in your shoes, do whatever you’re going to do, and we’ll be here for cyberhugs when he breaks your heart.

6

Gay man here chiming in. This story raises a lot of red flags to me. First off, as mentioned they have an ‘unofficial’ don’t ask, don’t tell relationship?? That sounds more to me like a if he doesn’t ask if I’m cheating, I won’t tell him thing to me. They either have an open relationship or they don’t. If they don’t, I would say stay away from him.

The other thing is, even if they do have an open relationship, you said yourself you think you want more than that. (occasional fling) If you don’t want to be the other man, or think you can’t handle that role (no judgement here on the right or wrong of it), then you need to stay away from him.

All that said, if you can enjoy having a guy that is not yours to keep without expecting any more from it AND if he’s being honest with his BF about it then I say go for it.
If you can’t fill all those criteria, walk away. All of this is of course, my opinion.

Good luck

7

Was I the only one cynical enough to be thinking…:

Hey John, look at the new friend I found while you were out of town. Let’s share him.

:smiley:

8

Actually, I thought that too. But it didn’t seem to fit with the rest of my answer to the OP. :wink:

9

My friend was recently involved in a similar relationship.

He has been in a committed relationship with his partner for 17 years. Last year they decided to introduce a third party, a man they met while on vacation, to “spice things up,” if you will.

Initially, it was my friend who met him and persuaded him that his partner was ok with the whole idea, and eventually he agreed to a short visit.

There was instant chemistry, and after the week was up, they decided to have their new friend move in.

All went well for about three months, but then it got ugly.

Turns out, within a few weeks their new friend had set his sights on my friend’s partner, thinking he would “fall completely in love with me and we’ll live happily ever after,” pushing my friend out of the picture. How would he do that, you ask? By playing horrible manipulation games that created huge misunderstandings and greatly hurt feelings. He almost succeeded, and they all lived in hell for about three months till they could get the troublemaker out.

The moral of the story is this: Not everyone is capable of that kind of open relationship. If you SAY you have no expectations, then you have to LIVE that. Don’t say one thing, and then try to change the rules of the game while you’re in the middle of it. Luckily, their relationship was strong enough to withstand it, but I don’t think they’ll ever do that again.

You say you can live with being the other man, but in the same paragraph say you secrectly hope he’ll dump his mate to be with you. Instead of worrying whether you’re the “boyfriend of the month,” worry about how you could be negatively affecting a relationship two people have worked very hard to maintain and grow over the years. If you truly don’t want to “destroy a relationship,” think very carefully about what you really want and what you expect to get from this relationship before you go into it, and be sure to share that with Christopher before it becomes involved.

Honesty is the way to go.

10

I can’t imagine this situation is really gay-centric. Anyone could come upon this in their relationship travels.

If it were ME (I’m a hetero woman), I would bolt out of there. I’m not hip to being a “second choice” or breaking up someone else’s relationship or being a fuck buddy. I’ve teetered on the edge of those situations and i felt MISERABLE.

Consider this:

  • Would you feel guilty if you actively broke up this guy’s relationship? (as in pushed the matter instead of fading away and letting C drop the other guy and come to you)
  • Would you feel bad if C did to you what he is doing to his current bf in 3 months?
  • What are you looking for in a relationship? Not in a MAN, but in a relationship? Does it jibe with how C acts in a relationship?

He may be the perfect man for you but he may not be the perfect relationship. I say if you want somethig exclusive with him, he needs to work out his stuff with his current bf and make his decision. You know, like “let it go, and if it comes back, it was meant to be.”

Good luck.

11

Gay guy checking in. I have been there, done that several times.

  1. Forbidden fruit (no pun intended) is always better, and a potential bf who already has a bf is about as forbidden as it gets.
  2. You are probably the hot fox of the day/week/month and current bf knows this and knows you will be history as soon as the dust settles and he is not worried.
  3. You are about to be invited for a magical three way. This is what I think is most likely to happen, and hey…been there done that many times and it too can be fun, but remember, YOU are the third wheel and seldom does the third wheel win in the long run.

My advice is to just relax and try to see some warts on your new found prince - and trust me, there are some. Right now, the bloom is fresh, but the fact that his friends were not particularly shocked to see you with him leads me to believe you ain’t the first, nor the last, to be the “other woman” in this relationship. Remember that, as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but chances of him leaving current bf for you are slim…it happens, but chances are about equal that you will win the California lottery next week.

12

Please don’t do this. For your sake, for his, and for his partner’s. If you can’t go into this on the terms he can offer and be happy, let him go and let yourself be free to find someone you can be smitten with who will be smitten back in kind and isn’t already in a complicated situation. There is a world of hurt waiting down this path.

That’s not even getting into the shadiness of the “unofficial” deal.