I have a particularly different, somewhat strange but exciting romantic dilemma going on with one of my friends and thought I would bring it here because. . . . well, why the hell not.
I am a 20-year-old virgin chic. I attribute this to being very overweight and shy for all of my life until a year and a half ago. I have lost 120 pounds and now find myself quite attractive, as vain as that may sound.
I also have a lot of homosexual male friends, most of which are identifiably queer. But one of them is the farthest from flaming out of the lot, and quite attractive to boot (of course!). I have known him for around 2 years and he has been in a relationship with a man for 4 years. Apparently this relationship is less than satisfying for him and he views it more as a friendship. Unfortunately his partner feels exactly opposite, feeling like this is a relationship that will last forever.
Recently my friend and I almost had sex. We were very close but both decided “not a good idea”. But ever since that day, there has been an irresistible attraction between us. He has told me that I am his best friend in the whole world and all he wants is to be free so that he can be with me, but he feels trapped and confused which is understandable. He has even had conversations with my friends about wanting to lead a normal life and be with a woman. He firmly believes in his bisexuality.
Every time we are around each other I feel like the tension grows and grows. I can’t take it anymore. I want to have sex with him; I don’t even care if a relationship follows. But that might hurt me in the long run.
So now I am at a loss for what to do. I love this person, and I am beginning to fall in love with him. I don’t know if it’s a bad idea but I know we would be great together.
What do you dopers think? Would you go for it? Any views on homo/bisexuality that could help this situation?
• First, congrats on losing 120 lbs! V. impressive.
• This sounds like a Jennifer Aniston movie.
• Sounds like your “platonic friendship” is pretty well shot to hell already, so why not go for it? As long as you’re willing to own up to the possible heartache to follow.
Well, I’d have to wonder what he considers a “normal” life, for starters, and whether he wanted to be with me specifically, or if he just wanted to be with a woman and figured I’d do for the time being. If he was talking to his friends about how he wasn’t happy because he wanted to be with you, that would be different. But talking about normal lives and being with women almost makes it sound like he’s trying to ‘cure’ his attraction to men.
Regardless, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole while he was feeling trapped and confused. Feeling that way tends to make you do things you regret later, and I don’t think my ego could handle a guy I really cared about regretting having sex with me. If he can break up with this other guy, have some time and space from the relationship, and then come to me with a clean heart and a clear mind, yes. Otherwise, no.
Of course, this all begs the question of why you’re making out with someone else’s boyfriend. We won’t get into that, though.
This tidbit alone should tell that alluring as the bi fellow might be, he’s toxic. You know that he is leading on his partner by pretending to feelings he doesn’t actually have, and you know that he is willing to cheat on his partner with you.
My advice: run. Run far, run fast, and don’t look back. This scenario has Bad News written all over it.
Well now this is a fun twist. All in all, I’d probably give the same advice to you two that I’d give a gay guy coming out of a heterosexual relationship…
Consider what you could lose. I don’t mean that in a negative sense, although it could be taken as such. Just take stock of what in your friendship you could potentially lose by moving this up a notch.
Consider what you could gain. Do you really really care for this guy? Is there something meaningful between you two, something that can only be built upon in a romantic relationship? Or is this part infatuation, part flattery, and part confusion?
Those are the primary pros and cons to weigh, but secondarily…
How will your many gay friends react? Are they particularly biphobic? Could you depend on them to stick around and support you through this relationship, however long it lasts? Is there any one of them you can confide in now? Because all we on this board can do is give outsider’s advice. We don’t know this guy, his relationship, or all the complexities involved in this unique situation.
Regardless, if the pros of starting this relationship far outweigh the cons, don’t worry too much about losing friends over it. Just like people are told so many times when they come out, if your friends can’t at least tolerate your feelings and relationships, perhaps they’re not such great friends after all. Don’t let things like that get in your way, if you honestly want this to move forward and think it could be worthwhile.
Yes that has crossed my mind too. When he speaks of a “normal” life it is with me specifically. All that you said really hit home and really is making me think about this from an after point of view. You’re right, I don’t think I could handle knowing that he regretted having sex with me, especially because this particular sex would be very important to me. And yeah I know I shouldn’t be making out with other poeple’s boyfriends:smack: I usually don’t . . .
Thats a problem too. I don’t know how they would react and therefor I haven’t confided in anyone about it. I don’t think any of them are particularly bi-phobic but they have all known him for as long or longer than me. Some say he is defenitely not all the way gay. I know that the people closest to me would be there for me no matter what, but I also don’t want to be judged and have people think I am making stupid decisions. I defenitley think it is part infatuation, flattery and confusion but combined with love, need and understanding. You are also right is saying there are a lot of complexities that I cannot begin to explain, all of which make the situation that much more difficult.
This is the way I was leaning before, but thats just when I am not around him. I don’t want to lose a friend I love so dearly, I don’t want to be regretted and I don’t want to lose any other friends because of it. Its just so hard when I am in need and there is some one who needs and wants me whom I love and loves me.
I’m really going to try and keep the 10 foot pole handy
If only he felt this way about you when you were a 120lbs heavier then I would think that he enjoys you just for who you are…BTW, are you planning on any STD testing first?
Good. It’s always better not to help people cheat on their boyfriends, esp. boyfriends who feel permanently committed. And how do you know he’s not pulling a gay version of “well, I’d divorce my wife, but it would kill the kids–I don’t love her anymore” while fully intending to stay with the guy? This has ‘bad idea’ written all over it in red ink.
Hiya…
Personally I think that you should at least attempt it, maybe not sleep with him right off the bat, but just see how things go, I mean if you dont you could end up regretting it for ever, know what I mean?
When I say attempt it, I dont mean get in a relationship with this guy while hes with the other guy, when it finishes, which it inevitably will if he feels like that, then give it ago, if you love him as much as you say you do, and hes the same, then you both can and should wait.
Although youve said its not going to happen so maybe this is all too late now, btw has somehting happned to change your mind, if im being nosey, which im aware i probably am, tell me to p*ss off… id deserve it!
Maybe I’m overstating the obvious by saying dear Lord if you do it with him be sure condoms are involved!!!
I also urge you to proceed with caution. Reading your post made me remember a “phase” of my life where I was hopelessly in love with a gay man. He was one of my most special, precious friends and always said things to me like, “If I wasn’t gay I’d marry you”. We even went so far as a heavy makeout session one night, but thankfully never farther than that.
He even started saying things like wanting to live a “normal life”, etc. Being young and naive as I was, I thought I could convert him to “our team” (to use a Seinfeld metaphor), but ultimately he couldn’t escape his true nature. It never changed my love for him, however. Not trying to be alarmist, but he actually died of AIDS in 1993 (wow, 10 yrs ago!!! I can’t believe he’s been gone that long) Obviously, not acting upon our impulses probably saved my life!
I’ve been in a situation oddly reminiscent of HelloKitty’s, fortunately without the dying-of-AIDS bit, and what I learned from the experience was to stay away from confused people with excessive amounts of baggage. If they are the sort of people you want to be dating, there will come a time when they have become less confused and worked through the baggage. (But, to be honest, this probably won’t happen and they probably aren’t.)
