I’m Gay and my SO and I have been together for over 25 years. Trust me when I say we are not trying to convert anybody to our team, nor are we projecting some fantasy that “something” will develop here.
A female friend of ours has started to date a guy. We met him once, but over a few days.
Well, my SO and I didn’t say anything to each other until after we left, but…we both think she is about to get into a relationship with a closet queen. Proof? None whatsoever. Call it a “vibe”. He didn’t come on to either of us, nor did he begin to sing Judy Garland tunes. But as Gay men, you sort of know…especially considering we are not exactly new to the scene.
So, we have decided to simply shut up and leave it be. I mean, what can we say? “We think your new boyfriend would prefer it if you were well-hung?”
We both hope we are wrong. Lordknows this woman deserves a nice guy in her life. But at the same time, we just don’t want to see her get hurt.
Still, the fact that we BOTH felt the same thing about this guy gives us pause.
I hate this.
We really don’t want it all to explode a few weeks/months/years down the line and crush her.
Crap.
Hope we’re wrong, but will be duly surprised if we are.
Perhaps you could speak to the new BF (wait until your girlfriend has nicked off to the loo or something when you are out socialising together) and see if you garner any more gay-evidence.
I understand your reluctance to let it go on too long…you two are her friends, and as friends, you do have a responsibility to keep her safe from ghosts, ghouls and werewolfs…and lousy love-prospects too.
I’d say something…at least within a few weeks (if you still believe your gayday reading is accurate and new BF is still pursuing your friend as if there is some future in the relationship).
I agree with kambuckta. If the gaydar is twanging with both you and your SO, DMark, then have that chat if you can. Hope you’re either wrong or that the the BF has second thoughts goin’ down the pretend-straight road.
X introduced her new boyfriend Y to our gay friend Z.
After a mere 5-minute conversation, Z came to us in a state of agitation and said “X’s new boyfriend is gay!”
We speculated on the accuracy of Z’s gaydar, and advised him not to say anything, but sure enough, 4 months later, Y came out, and dumped X.
Having said that, as with nearly all affairs of the heart, even if you’re both completely convinced, I’d say leave well alone. If he’s hitting on guys while she’s planning the wedding, then maybe, but at this stage, I’d say without direct evidence that damage will occur to your friend, you’ll only get in trouble for interfering.
But if he’s bi and she doesn’t realize that, again, it’s information that might have an impact on her. She may not want to be with someone who’s bi, whether for “acceptable” reasons (possible increased disease risk) or “unacceptable” reasons (the idea squicks her out).
Let’s leave aside the guy for a moment – what’s the woman like? How young, old, immature, experienced, lonely, etc.? Also, what’s her relationship history – if this is the first guy she’s shown serious interest in in five years, that’s one thing – if she meets “the one” every six months, it’s another. Plus, does she have a pattern of coming up with guys who are wrong for her for whatever reason, or not?
I don’t have a lot to add to this except to relate the reaction my sister’s SO had to my daughter’s latest boyfriend. After the party where they all met was over, SO said to sis “Does he know he’s gay yet?”
Of course, I had to share that with my daughter because it made me laugh. She laughed, too. I think the SO is just a piece of work. But at least he had the sense not to say anything to the BF at their first meeting.
Yes, being bi might have an impact on her, but so might any number of millions of other things about him. At my college, where a huge percentage of people identify as queer, there seems to be this unavoidable game called “Let’s figure out who is closeted!” The results of this game are never pretty. Leave the man alone. Let him deal with his own sexuality as he needs to. Give him the respect to assume that he’s going to treat your friend decently.
Being gay might make you more sensitive to other gay people, but it doesn’t give you an infallible gaydar. And as aruvqan pointed out, the spectrum of sexuality does certainly encompass a man who normally prefers other men but this time prefers your friend.
When we met him our gaydars went off the chart. (No Judy Garland tunes, limp wrist or lisp. No fabulous outfits. Just a queer vibe.)
We said nothing ( really what could one say?) But all the closer friends felt he was in the closet too. Everyone knew but her.
After they married, they lived in seperate houses for awhile. Ummmmm…yeah.
They are divorced now and happily, she isn’t bogged down with the entire thing. Only a " I wish he would have realized it sooner."
She just remarried a few weeks ago. I am very happy for her and happy that he is out.
Seems the OP has already said what he’s planning to do.
A female cousin of mine got married in her late teens to a very nice guy. I long thought that not only was he gay, but that she was as well. I found it really interesting that they had ended up together. Sure enough, over ten years later they divorced because “he was gay” (this, according to my mom, through my aunt). My cousin ended up in a long-term relationship with a really nice woman. She and her Ex are still great friends and successfully co-parented their child into adulthood. My cousin is fairly butch and her ex-husband is fairly effiminate. They both grew up in a fairly rural area where conventional marriage was the accepted norm. They could have found their relationship a “socially acceptable” way of fulfilling their own needs.
Who knows, maybe both your friend and her new b/f have “bi-tendencies” and that’s part of the attraction. Maybe that’s what you’re picking up on.
In a similar sitation I started a betting pool among friends as to whether the boyfriend was, “Gay, Straight or Metrosexal.” Turned out he was very, very metrosexual.
I had a great time at a religion conference last week. I brought my gay friend along. I had just made friends with a straight woman I met there, a Pagan minister from Ohio. Then my old friend walked up and spoke to me for a minute. I introduced them. When he left, my new friend lowered her voice and very hesitantly said “Forgive me if I’m presuming too much, but I could almost swear he was… you know… [sub]gay[/sub].”
I laughed out loud and reassured her that her gaydar was in good working order.
Just to shake the cocktail a little here… :dubious: okay, stop sniggering, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way… :smack: aargh, you know what I mean…
Just to stir the drink…do you think it’s more common for a gay-in-denial male to go all the way to marriage than a lesbian-uncertain female? The posts here all seem tyo go that way. Anybody ever get dyke vibes from sonny’s, bro’s, etc., fiancée?
If not, what social factors are at work in one case vs. the other?
Maybe it’s just the OP self-selecting responses?
-BoD, former boyfriend of a butchy but o-so-sweet grrljock
I think keeping mum is probably the right thing to do, at least unless things progress further and your friend starts wondering why her relationship is going sour. I can’t advise from personal experience, however, because I never have this problem. I would kill to have this problem, or at least scrounge up a couple of guys named Vinnie and Guido to put a nice scare into my social instincts to have this problem.
Once upon a time, I met a group of very nice guys. I found myself immediately under the impression that one of them was cheerfully, screamingly gay. A month later, I had come to find out that he was the only one of the group who was not queer in some way, and in fact had a steady girlfriend that he adored to no end.
Do you give lessons, or perhaps rent out your gaydar? I assure you that you could turn quite a profit if you did. I know how much I’d pay to keep from jamming my foot in my mouth on a regular basis.
So the members of the Dope are accepting magic now? No mannersims, no preferences noted, no flirty glances, no lisp - it’s a gay “vibe”. In that case I’d say only tell the girl if his aura is off yellow or his heart chakra is overly prominent.
Seriously, I’d leave it for a while. This isn’t exactly an emergency so wait for better comfirmation. This bit: “Still, the fact that we BOTH felt the same thing about this guy gives us pause.” could have more to do with you guys being together 25 years than any obviousness of BF’s gayness.
It’s not magic. It’s the same deal as when you “feel” someone is in the room. Obviously you’re not actually psychically feeling they’re there; it’s a combination of small audible, visual and tactile clues (possibly smells too) that you subconsciously have learned to interpret to mean that a human being is close.
Sometimes it’s obvious. If a guy is walking past and another guy is checking out his ass, it usually means something. Sometimes it’s not obvious, but it’s there nonetheless. That you can’t pinpoint it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.
I understand that, I just feel a little reflection can usually reveal what “subconcious” clues you are picking up. Just leaving it at a “vibe” isn’t a good idea, imho, if you are going to actually take action based on your vibes.
The woman isn’t stupid and, if our “vibes” are correct, our hope is that she will figure it out sooner than later.
And call it “magic” or call it “voodoo” or call it whatever you want…but picking up on a Gay “vibe” is a very real event. Is it 100%? No. But it has been accurate enough over the years to pass the test for validity at least 85% of the time, if not more. For her sake, we are hoping we are wrong this time.
The reason I didn’t post this in Humble Opinion is that we have already decided what we are going to do; shut up and leave it be.
