Nah, I was just writing fast and trying to come up with something I thought aruvgan might accept as a “reasonable” reason to not want to get involved with someone who was bi. My point was that you don’t have to be homophobic or biphobic to not want to get involved with someone who’s bi.
Has anyone ever actually tested this? Surely it’s different for every gay person so I know you aren’t saying all gays can have an 85% chance of spotting a “fellow traveller”. Seems a well accepted folk-wisdom, but I wonder.
Have you never heard of “gaydar”?
Keep yourselves available as a friendly option, but don’t confront him. If your suspicions are correct, in some cases (like my own) open communication between the two in the relationship doesn’t work, and there is need of a third party.
Mystified as to why my boyfriend obviously (through his actions, not his words) found me less physically appealing, even though I hadn’t really changed, I asked him if anything was wrong, or if he wanted to break up, and he assured me “no” on both questions. He was terrified to tell me, and felt guilty, so he soldiered on. Even though I should have broken up with him, since he was obviously becoming less and less interested, since he said nothing was wrong, I took his change in attitude as evidence of a flaw that I could fix, and figured that since we were happy once, we could be again. Thus, I soldiered on. (This was my first LTR, and I was a late entrant into the whole relationships thing anyway, so yeah, I could have acted in a stronger fashion, but I honestly didn’t have the confidence.)
Finally, one day, he set up a lunch with my best friend (who is bi), and confided in her. She begged him to tell me, and later that night he did. We called it off. He’s so much happier now, and I’m overjoyed for him. However, it probably would not have ended so well if my best friend had not been there to listen.
I’d love to see a test done on this. My ex has a gaydar that I just can’t believe. She can do it from photographs, on fictional characters, there’s no end to it.
That should read “a flaw with myself…”
It is a perfectly acceptable explaination, but how do they know they hadn’t already had some discussion over this biness that they simply never bothered discussing with anybody else? I know a couple who seem to be absolutely devoted monogamists, and they are actually in an open relationship - they simply dont think it is anybodies business but theirs. Well, actually they are absolutely devoted to each other polys, they feel that you dont have to stop loving one person because you find someone else lovable as well…
I would only ask somone I was interested in that they have an HIV and assorted STD test before getting busy, gay straight or bi, if htey already covered that between themselves privately, then why should they announce it - Hey everybody, meet my new NON STD bi boyfriend…a lot less sensible than hey, this is my new boyfriend.
Uuuh, yeah. It’s what I’m talking about. Like Priceguy I’d like to see if it’s tested. I have a feeling that some people are perceptive and some people do some projecting/wishful thinking. I doubt think all gay people fall into the first category.
edit last sentence: I doubt that all gay people fall into the first category.
Men who have sex with other men are substantially more likely to contract certain STDs, including HIV and Hep B, at least if you look at pure aggregate statistics.
I dion’t like not being able to donate blood just because I’m gay, but the numbers do bear it out.
Other “population segments” get vibes, although they don’t have cool names like “gaydar.” I am a drunk and a junkie, in recovery for over 15 years, but I seem to be able to pick out when someone is “one of us” even if they aren’t drinking or using (or in a meeting, which doesn’t count! 
).
My sister ignored coy hints and “jokes” from friends about my brother-in-law’s orientation from the time she first met him until his fundamentalist mother shuffled off this mortal coil and he felt he could come out – after they’d had two children and seven alienating years together.
So it goes.
A long long time ago I knew a gay couple. He was gay, she was gay. Half the world was confused, half the world was fooled. They knew.
You see, they were also incredible nerds. Geeks, back when geeks carried slide rules. No one was out of any closets. Neither of them (nor I, to be honest) had anything close to interpersonal skills, or social graces. The relationship between them started out academic became a supportive friendship. The hard facts of the cruel world were that gay girls didn’t find her attractive and gay men didn’t find him attractive. Straight folks avoided us entirely. I knew them both from rocket club. No one in the rocket club had boyfriends or girlfriends. We had damned few friends at all.
So, gay guy and gay girl got married, after they were both PhD Rocket Scientists. They did it because they both really wanted kids. (I found out that part after the kid himself was grown up.) They lived together, socialized together, and as middle aged folks, they each eventually had some romances. But they stayed together.
The sex was entirely reproductive, but it was kind, and friendly, according to them. The “extramarital” affairs were dilatory, and not all that long term. It was a very unusual relationship. I was blissfully unaware of any oddity, until I tried to help them “patch things up” after one of her flings. They were nice to me about it, but told me it really was none of my business. Then after I really acted like it was none of my business, they opened up. A few years later, he died of Cancer. She went all publicly dykey for a while. But eventually, she just seemed pretty much the same as before. I haven’t seen her in quite a while.
There are a whole lot of different roads that folks travel down. I’m not sure if there is any point in the story. I just started thinking of them while reading the thread, for the first time in twenty years, or so. Anyway, other people’s sexuality is always none of your business. Other people’s emotional well being might be your business, if you really care about them.
Tris
Well, my one cousin… When he started dating his second wife, it took the family an unusual while to warm up to her. And there was nothing wrong with her, she’s a nice person. It was her vibes that didn’t mesh with the group vibes, is all. They took a lot of getting used to her different vibes. Also when she first showed up, in the mid-1970s, she had this red spiky Ziggy Stardust hair. Now that’s gay.
AMEN TO THIS.
I am very, very disappointed that my fellow Dopers are even gossiping about this issue. Even if your Gaydar is working 100%, it doesn’t mean he’s going to dump her as soon as he finds a really cute guy. Gays fall in love with women all the time, and let’s face it, man/woman is still more accepted in this society than man/man. Maybe he’s uncomfortable with that part of his sexuality? Maybe he wants to have kids? Doesn’t matter…It. Is. Not. Your. Problem.
Now, if he was pinging your Con-Artist-Dar, or your Wife-Beater-Dar, then yeah, keep an eye on him. But unless you have any reason to think he is intentionally going to hurt her, please mind your own life.
Have stated we intend to mind our own lives…but your points are making me re-think it.
Con-Artist? What would you call a guy who latches on to a woman knowing he really wants a man and will dump her when he finally has the courage to do so?
Wife-Beater? Well, you don’t have to physically touch someone to hurt them very badly and scar them for life.
So if anything, your analogies are seriously giving me pause…maybe I actually should re-think the idea.
Uh, what?
While I think that Dmark’s decision to keep mum is probably for the best, you must realize that there is a huge potential for hurt if their suspicions are true. What does it matter if the harm is or is not willful and vindictive?
My brother-in-law’s inability to come out while his mother was alive and decision to use my sister as an unwitting beard for a decade blew her life apart, turned her into a bitter, cynical, self-loathing person, and didn’t do the kids a lot of good, either.
His intention wasn’t to hurt her, it was just to put up a front for his fucked-up family to avoid the ugliness he’d get from that quarter – but falling in love with a guy that has zero sexual attraction for you is necessarily going to be full of hurt – and having him turn his back on you and the kids as soon as the old harpy kicks off and renders their relationship useless to him – it might have been nice if that could have been avoided.
Jayjay and I had dinner with friend of ours, and her new boyfriend, several weeks ago. Both he and I got a “gay vibe” from the new boyfriend, and mentioned it to each other after. Are we going to discuss it with her? No, because it is none of our business.
To me, a finely tuned sense of gaydar is like being good at playing hunches. Chances are you may be right, but then again nobody is right 100% of the time.
I lived with a gay man for about a year (we dated for about a year before that).
Frankly, I really wish someone would have said something before we moved in together.
Yes, I get that it’s stupidly difficult for most people to come out, but when push comes to shove, that really doesn’t have shit to do with me, and doesn’t have shit to do with your friend.
If a gay man enters a relationship with a straight woman without telling her all the facts, he’s being dishonest and it’s not fair. If that straight woman is your friend I think it would be nice to give her a heads up.
Obviously, my personal view is going to be skewed. But when you live with someone for a year, and only have sex twice, and once he can’t get it up, and he tells you that he loves you, but you don’t understand why he’s not into you, and you think there’s something wrong with you - well, it changes your perspective about these things.
I agree with you here. She is your friend. If you think she might be hurt, intentionally or not, you are right to be concerned. That’s what friends are for.
I also agree that you shouldn’t say anything, at least til you’re more sure, or their relationship moves several steps down the line.
One thing only implied so far, if you did say something to her or him, and he wasn’t gay, it could ruin all four of your relationships.