I wish I were straight enough to sleep with my best friend

The BBQ Pit
1

It’s not fair. By the time girls started liking me romantically, I knew I was gay and had to make up a bunch of excuses to turn them away. Now, finally there is a girl that likes me that I can actually get along with. She actually is willing to just be friends.

But I fucked it up. I love her. She’s been gone for a day and I miss her already. I want her to come back to Vegas with me next semester and we would get an apartment together. I want to live with her and grow to love her even more. If things were different, I could easily see myself marrying her and living happily ever after.

But I’m gay. What a sick fucking way for everything to turn out. How many people meet someone perfect for them that they know they can never really be with. She might not feel as strongly as I do, but I know she loves me too. She had a crush on me, and we could have gone out on a couple dates, then decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We could have begun building a beautiful lasting perfect relationship. Why the fuck can’t it be like that?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad to have her as a best friend, but I just wish we could be more. It’s not fair that I love her so much and want so badly to be with her, but realize deep down that it just doesn’t work that way. I want to be straight for her and us. We would be so happy. This sucks.

2

I have no experience with this at all…but could it be that you may be bi?

3

Lola-

No, I don’t think so. I really have no physical interest in sleeping with her, but I love her and like the idea of being with her romantically a lot. I love her so much in every way except sexually.

4

Ok, I’m sorry if I offended you. I have one friend who is gay and we don’t exactly talk about it, so I have no idea what I’m talking about.

So, isn’t it like she’s your sister then?
(Just tell me to shut up if I ask stupid stuff).

I have lots of guy friends who I am close with, and I’m sure that more than a few of them wanted to sleep with me at one point, and I have wanted to also. Some, I even did. :o

As for my girl best friends, I don’t believe I have ever felt like that. However, if I had wanted to, I probably would have done it. Don’t mind me, I’m just rambling and obviously have no clue what it’s like.

I just wish you the best and I’m sure it’ll work itself out. :\

5

Don’t worry, you didn’t offend me at all.

I think the sister thing might be a decent comparison, but it’s a different feeling. I love my sister like a sister. I love this girl like a girlfriend, with the one exception of the sex stuff.

I appreciate the good wishes also. Thanks.

6

I thought I was the only person this had ever happened to. Although I’m an ice-cold unemotional bitch, and it sounds like you act on your feelings most of the time, so I can’t really offer you advice.

I made exactly one friend at the piece-of-crap college I just transferred from, and he was a straight guy. This dude was probably one of the top five coolest people I’ve ever met, and while I don’t think I can say I loved him, I certainly thought “Goddamn it, if I were even at least bi, we would be the greatest couple, and we’d be so happy” plenty of times.

My solution was to just be glad we were friends, because quite frankly, if we had been closer, I think things between us would have ended in a lot of anger and general fucked-upness. We’re both crotchety old bastards even at our age, and probably wouldn’t have meshed well.

But like I said, the absolute last thing I ever trust is my emotions. Just chiming in to say you’re not really alone.

7

Thank you. That is really good to know!

8

I wonder if you’re trying to define a relationship in terms of ideals that don’t fit the life in which you find yourself.

Tell her the honest truth about your feelings and your lack of arousal – and at least contemplate the idea of experimental sex with her, with the idea you’re friends first last and always, and you’re seeing if you can respond to each other in a sexual way as well.

It may be that what you two are looking at is a sincere “lavender marriage” in which the two people feel very comfortable as a couple but find their sexual needs filled elsewhere. Such relationships have happened in history – notably the Nicolson/Sackville-West marriage, where the two partners, both gay and of opposite sexes, loved each other and were each other’s best friends, but found their primary sexual release with gay friends. (In this case they were able to function sexually with each other well enough to conceive a son, who as an adult wrote compassionately and frankly of their relationship.)

9

Hi, Ooner. I have a personal story that’s very similar, and I’ve e-mailed it to you instead of posting it, because it’s…well, personal. However, I do have a few questions, that perhaps others are thinking as well: Why aren’t you content with your relationship as it is? Is there a reason things have to change? As I see it (and please correct me if I’m wrong), the only thing separating your friendship from a romantic relationship is sex. Can you still remain best friends, and spend time together as you do, etc. without sex?

10

PolyCarp:

Well, that’s a quote I never thought I’d see. :smiley: You tryin’ to set up all the gay guys with girls, Poly? :wink:

I dunno, the first flush of a friendship can be quite similar to the first flush of a new relationship…meaning, you may not be thinking all that clearly, and the strength of your passion will probably become less intense with time. If you have been best friends with this girl for less than, say, six months, it seems perhaps a bit hasty to be planning to spend the rest of your life together when you have the rather huge barrier of total lack of attraction to her. Messing around sexually with a sex you’re not attracted to does not seem like it is likely to lead to a long-term solution, and I wouldn’t wish a relationship where one partner is not truly attracted to the other on anyone.

11

I’ve been in a very similar situation and understand your frustration. No easy answers.

For myself, I came to the realization that labels are pretty much useless. I think that keeping an open mind and trying to find the person that I can spend the rest of my life with might yield better results.

Gaudere makes an excellent point though. If you truly are not attracted to her, that is not a good start for a relationship. It’s not fair to her. On the other hand, Polycarp (as usual) brings up a great point in that the only way sometimes to find this out for sure is to test the waters, so to speak.

In my case, I found out I was able to perform AND enjoy the intimacy, although generally, that is not where my fantasies and preferences tend to be. Like I said, no easy answers.

Good luck to you.

12

I suppose, Gaudere, that my point, insofar as I care to generalize it beyond dealing with the situation posed by the OP, is that people are unique and complex individuals who defy pigeonholing. I know that I am not my wife’s ideal fantasy mate, but Korg the Mighty, Viking Terror of Norrbotten, could not give her what I do, and we have been very happy together. Given the opportunity to make new rules for the world,I would want to see everybody here free to pursue their bliss, whatever that may be, comfortable in God’s love and that of their fellow man.

In the case at hand, Ooner had found in an opposite-sex intimate friendship a taste of what he sought in a long-term relationship, but identified as exclusively(?) gay and therefore did not feel that he could match up with a Father-Knows-Best 50’s classic marriage. I simply said, in essence, that both the traditional marriage and “gay” as a self-identification were pigeonholes he need not file himself into – maybe he’s a man who finds his emotional intimacy with a woman who is comfortable with who he is, and his sexual release with one or more men. Is that in some way homophobic? Am I somehow generalizing from his particular case to all the gay men and women here? I hadn’t intended to – I was trying to target a problem identified by one poster and work up an answer specific to him.

13

Yeah, I’ve been there. All of the things that come with a traditional, heterosexual, society-endorsed relationship staring me right in the face. It’s a form of temptation that I don’t think many straight people can fathom; suddenly, there’s that view of what it could be like on the inside, instead of being a societal aberration. If only I could be attracted to this woman, I could get married, and have kids, and join the PTA, and all the normal things that normal people do, and I sometimes yearn for.

The girl was fun, she was flirty, she was interesting and warm and giving and funny and most of all, she was interested. Even though she knew I was gay, we flirted, and then some. Even tested the waters, so to speak. She made it clear; she wanted something long-term with me, something serious.

But by then I’d realized that I really didn’t want her. I wanted all the things she came with; the trappings of the relationship, instead of the relationship itself. I didn’t want Barbie, but god how I longed for her Dream House. Ultimately, it would have been completely unfair to her. I ended it.

Your situation may be completely different, Ooner, but it’s worth considering: are you attracted to her, or to the relationship, and all that it entails? It’s important to sort that out before going any further, in either direction.

By the way… why is this in the Pit?

14

No, I didn’t think it was homophobic; my amusement was more because you have previously stated that you believe God intended sex to be within the context of a commited monogamous loving relationhip between two people, so I was a bit surpised to see you immediately advocating “experimental” sex and an open marriage (with limited or no sexual attraction between the main participants). If a young woman was talking about someone she loved deeply but was not sexually attracted to, I’d be leaning the same way: “Be best friends, but if you don’t want to fuck him at all, don’t get into a romantic relationship.” My first response would not be, “You could marry him and both have sex with other people outside the marriage!” :smiley: Not to mention the situation reminded me of a previous relationhip on this MB between a gay man and a straight woman (that I’m sure you recall) which you also endorsed…I was wondering if this was getting to be a pattern with you. :slight_smile:

Call me a cynic regarding the overwhelming power of love, but if he loves this girl this much and still doesn’t feel any attraction, I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I’d be more inclined to advise enjoying the close friendship and continuing to date men, and if any attraction ever does happen between Ooner and this girl, then they can move into a relationship. Perhaps I am extrapolating too much, but it sounds to me like Ooner does want the whole package: a romantic, sexual relationship with someone he loves. But it’s his call, just throwing in my own two cents.

15

Believe me, you are definitely not alone on this. Just because a guy is gay doesn’t release him from the possibility of falling in love with a woman. In fact it is all together possible for him to marry and carry on a relationship with a woman.

However, the fact remains that a gay guy is indeed gay and in living a heterosexual lifestyle he may not be true to himself. This can cause a lot of pain for the guy and the girl, because try as she may she will never be able to complete him. While you may love and care for her, the fact remains that the shirtless hunk working on his lawn across the street makes your heart pound and your blood boil in a way that she could never compete.

It sounds to me that both of you have been through a lot together, and this has brought you closer together. Yes you may love her, as a friend and companion. She may even love you to an equal degree. If you feel you must open up yourself to her and express your love, it is important that you be completely honest with her (and yourself) about being gay. Realize that while conversion to heterosexuality is indeed possible, it is an extremely rare occurrence.

Another realization you need to make is while this woman may be your ideal soulmate, there is a very good chance there is a guy out there that can meet those needs as well. It is a lot easier to be true to one’s self and be invested totally in a relationship then it is to try to make a relationship work that has no future.

16

Never spurn love. It is far more precious than sex.

Tell your friend all of the truth, that you are not sexually attracted to her, you are sexually attracted to other men, and you do love her, perhaps enough to share her life.

Can you stand to know her own lover, another man, who has no interest in you? Can you be her best friend, without a bond as close as you might want? Does she want a deep love, without sex?

Don’t do any of this in silence, for silence starves love.

Just love her, whatever that ends up meaning.

Tris

17

Thank you all so much for offering such good advice. I really appreciate it.

Gaudere

I’m sure that’s a possibility, and I have known her for less than a year. I’m not about to propose now or anything, I just feel like if things were different, that might be how it would end up.

Polycarp

Wow, that’s actually something I never thought about. It just never occurred to me that long-term relationships could exist on more than a “friend” level, but outside the traditional marriage/partnership. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that there may be a possibility for something you described.

MrVisible

I think my situation is different than that. I like the idea of everything that comes with the relationship, but not like I love her. I think they both have tremendous appeal, but it’s all based on my feelings for her, not for the life she could provide.

And it’s in the pit because it started as a general rant about the unfairness of life or something. I didn’t realize there would be so many helpful people. But hey, maybe the pit could use some more of this stuff. I’m starting to feel all warm and fuzzy. :slight_smile:

RainbowDragon

I know that it doesn’t make sense, and it probably couldn’t work out the way I like. I just wish that it could be different. I would definitely think long and hard before seriously considering trying to make a nearly impossible relationship work.

Triskadecamus

My wild guess now is that I will tell her, and we’ll agree that no real relationship can come of it. Even though I wish it could be different, we can just be best friends. I will always want more than that, but will accept that it can’t happen, and be happy with how we are. We’ll see…

18

There’s already a very real relationship that’s come of it – it’s only that it’s one of friendship, not of romance. Never underestimate the value of friendship – the two great loves of my life are my wife and my former foster son who is now my closest friend (and probably my wife’s as well).

Why?

Define your own relationships – if you two decide to live together for the rest of your lives and do everything together except go out on dates and sleep together, which you each do with people you’re attracted to sexually, who gives a rat’s patoot? It’s your lives, not theirs.

Bud, I see you as being in love and seeing obstacles to its working – and I’m suggesting that you try to work them out.

19

If you don’t let the world’s narrow-cubbyhole roles and rules define you–and I assume it is safe to say that you don’t if you’ve dared to conceptualize yourself as gay, which puts you outside the primary “male” definition–then why let its narrow set of possible Relationship configurations define what you and this person can have or be to each other?

Let it be what it is, and if it is valuable enough to you for you to feel an intensity and an emotional passion about it, it could be one of the central relationships that define your life. Possibly one more important than any sexual relationship will ever be (which would really make you unconventional :)). The tricky part is finding out if this sense of intensity and importance is mutual. Like any other non-mutual passion, it could be painful for you if such is not the case, and possibly awkward-to-painful for her as well.

But you don’t know that yet.

20

I just wanted to say, thank you for posting this Ooner. I am experiencing the very same thing right now, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, and that this is not an unique situation to be in. Makes it much easier to understand.

I met this girl at the job that I’m currently working at. In fact we were both in the same interview. We worked a late shift together for a bit, and during the course of it we became quite friendly, establishing a natural rapport. We are close to the point that when I came out of the closet a few months ago, she was the first person that I told. In fact, she had a large, albeit unwitting, role in my coming to terms with my sexuality. I knew that I loved her, and that I enjoyed being around her, and I found the idea of a long term relationship, with all of it’s trappings, very appealing. I came to realize one thing though, that throughout it all, the idea of sex was never part of the equation. It was this realization that changed everything for me.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the nature of our relationship, but it’s not easy. We act almost as if we are going out. Those who doesn’t that I’m gay assume that we are dating. It’s mostly just the comfort level that we express with each other. For my self, this has been the first real close relationship I have ever been in (I’m 20, just FTR). I have always been very emotionally gaurded, preferring to present myself as to what I think people want me to be, rather than who I am. Around her, I can be myself, which is a unique situation for me. I think that this is where a lot of my confusion comes from. I’ve always identified with women much more than guys. Growing up I always assumed that this was love, or at least attraction. Now, I know that it’s different. What I feel for guys is attraction, and for women is much more platonic. Still, I must admit, the idea of a “lavender marriage”, as Polycarp put it, is enticing.

On must bear in mind though, while I have these feelings towards her, I very much doubt that she sees me as much more than a friend. I’m happy though. Alas, she is also moving away at the end of the summer, and I will admit that I fully expect to be heartbroken for a while. Such is life, I suppose.

Well, at anyrate, it feels nice to vent a bit, so if you have managed to make it thus far, I thank you.