My life has just got freaking insanely surreal.

Thought this would make an interesting first post. Sit back, it’s a good read. Everyone loves human misery.

So I watch Chasing Amy for the first time today (A little ironic foreshadowing for you).
There’s this girl who I’ve had a slight crush on for the past 6 months (she’s going through a training academy with me). Well, at first, I did’nt pursue her because I did’nt have any real emotions for her, just sort of lust. She is insanely good-looking, but I pinned her as some sort of stupid ditz. So every now and then I’d say “Hi”, and be on my way. We’d always make eye contact at the weirdest times though and she always seemed to find excuses to touch me (i.e. fix my tie, adjust my pants, grab my ass as a joke, etc.), and she always come up to me to talk about nothing. So eventually I started paying her some attention.

Three months after I met her we get placed right next to each other in class. To stave off the boredom, we started writing notes to each other. She told me about how bitter and dissapointed with the world she was. How, she tried to be a good person and just kept getting screwed. After I got to know her, I, for a lack of a better term, “fell in love” with her. She told me about how she could completely fall for a guy like me. I chalked that up to just her being nice. I never really expected for her to actually like me, I thought she was just a naturally flirtatious person. But, she had me hooked and I lost control, I just was’nt myself anymore.

So we start talking to each other alot. It seemed like we were flirting all the time and people would always tell me I should ask her out. Once again, I thought she was just being nice, so I never built the courage to ask her out. I was in love, I never thought someone as great as her would ever bother with a plebian like me. Well eventually some people got jealous, they thought I actually had a chance. So one guy walks up to her, with me present, and asks her if she had a boyfriend. She said no and he asked her what she thought about dating me, your love-struck protagonist. To this query, there was a long hesitation, and she replies, “He’s a good friend, he’s a good guy.”.

I’m not stupid, I knew what that meant, she had no romantic interest at all. That was two weeks ago. Everyday I’ve had to see her and it’s been a special kind of torment. I’ve backed off, not talking to her as often, because seeing her just made me want her all the more. I could take the rejection, though, I just needed time. Well she picked up on my feelings, I guess, because she tried even harder to get my attention. She tried talking to me and getting close to me, but I just did’nt have the energy to put on a happy face and act like nothing was going on. To her credit, she kept trying to remain friends, she was being a gracious winner.

So about two hours ago she calls me, gives me some bullshit excuse about needing certain answers to our homework, but she wanted to talk. I’m not a complete asshole, so I talk to her. She asks me about how my dating life is goin, and I ask her about hers. She tells me there are some parts of her she wishes she could show people, but she’s scared of being judged. I pry alittle more and she drops it on me that she’s been a lesbian for the past 7 months now. I was speechless. I fumbled around for words, but the only thing my idiotic brain could come up with was “Well, at least you’re happy”. I had nothing else to say. Seconds after she drops the bomb on me she says, “I know you’re confused” and then she had to get off the phone, leaving me completely in the dark with a whole hell of alot of emotions to deal with.

All this time, I’ve been friends with another girl who happenes to be best friends with the girl I liked. Now they always were together, and did various homoerotic activities with each other, but I never though much of it. It seemed too obvious to say they were lesbians, it was something a schoolboy would say after being rejected. Alot of the times she called me, though, we’d talk for 10 minutes or so. While we talked she’d giggle constantly at the weirdest times, then she’d tell me she had to go. I’ve heard those giggle before though. It’s the same sound you make when someone is tickling you. When she called me today, I heard her tell her “friend” to stop playing around, she was on the phone with me. Her friend seems to be a lesian also. Now, I’m not sure these two are fucking, but it sure does explain a whole hell of alot.

Here’s the rub, and I need you guys to help me sort this out. Instead of being insanely turned on at the thought of two attractive women having sex, the thought eats me up inside. It’s like a shard of glass just working its way into my chest. And the fact that she’s a lesbian should make me feel better, like it’s not due to any faults of mine that she is’nt romantically attracted to me, but that she’s not attracted to my gender. But for some reason it makes me feel oh so worse. I have no idea why. Now I just feel so insanely shitty and I have no idea why.

Here’s what makes this thing all so surreal. When I first saw her, I never even noticed when she sat next to me. Then she started talking to me and I made it a point not to flirt back with her, to act completely proffessional with her. But Life kept throwing us together all the time. We’d be constantly partnered up even when the instructors would randomly pick the groups. Everywhere I went, she’d be there. We wound up liking the same movies, music, etc. It seemed to be kizmet. Then I found out she did’nt like me on the same day we were all supposed to go out drinking, and I was gonna try to get closer to her. Finally, I watch Chasing Amy, and guess what, I find out I’ve been in love with a lesbian all along. I gotta believe in God cause someone up there is trying to fuck with me. Life, my friends, is just one punch in the dick after another.

Blemmy ehny ah fu! Uh!

Not everyone likes human misery.

Welcome to the SDMB. Soon, hopefully, someone will come along here and be able to commiserate/offer advice/give you a chin up. I wish I could offer any of these, but what I can do is say that, hopefully, someone will come along. That, and/or time will lessen the ache.

I’d like to echo what Ice Wolf said… I can’t help, but only offer up what must be empty words. Welcome to the SDMB… and someone will come along who will be able to do your feelings some justice by being properly able to commiserate.

For me, it was because this goes beyond rejection – you’re totally irrelevant. There is absolutely nothing you can do one way or the other. If you get rejected, there’s a reason. With this, there is no reason, and there is no hope.

I’m not surprised that you’re not turned on by the thought of them having sex. I mean, your typical run-of-the-mill porno video basically consists of a guy and a girl getting it on, but does it turn you on to think of an ex-girlfriend screwing her new man? Nope. And those feelings transcend gender matchups. No one likes thinking about someone they have feelings for getting laid, regardless of who it’s with.

Sorry dude. It sucks. At least she’s being honest with you, though, and not being manipulative or keeping you in the dark or anything. And at least she knows. When I was in a similar situation, she wasn’t even sure, which made it so much worse for me, because I kept getting my hopes up. You need to move on, put this behind you, and the best way to do that is to spend some time away from her if you still have strong feelings for her after a few days. That’ll suck too, but in the long run you’ll feel better. You now have the perfect diversion in the SDMB – welcome.

And, in conclusion, here’s some Weezer on that ass:[ul]
When I think I’ve found a good old-fashioned girl
Then she puts me in my place
If everyone’s a little queer
Can’t she be a little straight?

I’m dumb she’s a lesbian
I thought I had found the one
We were good as married in my mind
But married in my mind’s no good[/ul]

Perhaps “fate” meant for you to be friends, not lovers. This could be a good thing. There will be times in life when you need a friend as much as, if not more than, you need a lover.

Is it possible that she’s confused sexually. She’s only been a lesbian for 7 months? Does that mean she was straight before that?

What I’d like to say is that you’re assuming an awful lot. She may be bi-sexual in which case you still have a chance but I’m sure she doesn’t realize the depth of your feelings for her. Is there a chance that you’d be willing to share that with her? I’m thinking that if you really lay it on the line and she still isn’t interested that maybe it would give you a chance to get some closure and get on with your life. Could her describing you as a “good friend” be her way of covering up her own confusion about her sexuality?

Sorry you’re being tormented like this. Hope it gets better soon.

Just think of your dick as 'nad protection.

She’ll come around if she likes you, and if not then at least you have a good friend. It says alot about your relationship with her that she was able to tell you one of her biggest secrets. Good relationships start with good friendships. In the meantime you should be supportive of her newfound sexual preference even if you don’t agree with it, it sounds like she would take it pretty hard if you decided to diss her right now.

Hey, thanks for the replies and welcomes. Seems to be a nice collection of intelligent people on this board and it sure helps to talk to some intelligent people.

Well, if this girl really likes me, that’s great, but let’s say I’ve stopped holding my breath. She tried to start acouple of conversations with me today, and I played it like nothing different happened but just the thought of her with a woman (or a man) would just make me cringe. Trying to remain platonic with a girl you like is just tough cookies.

I have no problem with her choice in life, as long as she’s happy. She broke off her engagement when she realized she was a lesbian, but she tells me she’s satisfied with her personal life now. The thing that really gets me to thinking is that I wonder why, out of all the women in the world, I had to start having feelings for her. It just seems too many random chances occured to bring me to liking her, and it just sort of came crumbling down in one fell swoop. It’s funny, really.

"…And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I’m forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. "
-Holden, Chasing Amy.

That speech he gives always brings a wistful smile to my face, every time I hear it.

Tell her how you feel. Don’t think about it. Just tell her.

Otherwise you’ll always wonder, “what if…”

welcome to the sdmb. enjoy your visit and learn some.

on to the point. that really sucks about your situation. not much to say, just don’t let yourself get dragged down too much. have fun and live life.

pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

Sorry for the personfication of abstract concepts here, but – Fate can be a real cuss, sometimes. And most of the time, Fate isn’t neat, tidy, and set to go according to some plan, either.

It is going to be difficult for you to be around her for quite a while, but it will either get easier, or you’ll have the opportunity to move on. You’ll meet hundreds of people in your life – that’s a lot of chances for Fate to play around with, and for you to find another in your life.

I admire your attitude. All the best to you.

Another thing you might want to think about, if you give her the cold shoulder now she might think its because you have a problem with her being a lesbian (well you do, but its not because you have a problem with lesbians per se) and you might end up losing a good friend and having her think you turned away from her because of her lifestyle.

Well, again, thanks for all the advice.

I’ve been worried about me inadvertently looking like I’m turning a cold shoulder because of what I found out about her. She tried starting a conversation with me on many occasions yesterday, but it seemed that my brain just would’nt work. I just could’nt think of any idle conversation to keep her there, I guess I was just too melancholy. So I craked a joke or two and she must have picked up on my akwardness cause she left for the “restroom” shortly thereafter.

I’ve also been wondering if all this might just be some expiriment on her part. Maybe she’s just making sure she’s covered all her bases. I suppose that’s wishful thinking on my part though. How do I make it through the day? Well I believe Sir Edmund Hillary said "You put one foot in front of the other. . . ".

I’m sorry; that was just too funny, kid.

But anyway, let me tell you something. This sort of thing may be new to you, but it really happens a lot. You’ll find out people you thought you knew better than anyone aren’t who you think they were, so there’s no reason to be shocked about somebody you just met.

The both of you got along just fine before. And don’t think it wasn’t awkward - you said yourself you were being skittish about getting close or trying to ask her out and you were being very indecisive. With you being a weinie you two still got along fine.

Yeah, it sucks that she may not want to date you. It’s obvious theat she really enjoys your company and wants to continue being friends. Don’t throw away a friendship because you’re a little confused. You’ll find good friends become harder to find.

Things get odd when hormones get involved. I could have had sex with a female friend whom I’d known for years back in college - it was awkward. We didn’t do anything, but that’s because I had a girlfriend at the time. We’re still good friends and we’re (I think) happily married now. We’re on opposite coasts, so it’s hard to keep track.

Well, I think you get the picture.

Sit back, think about how far you’ve got to go yet and how much may change in the next couple years. Then remember you still have a good friend whom you may come to rely on for years to come.

I’ve lost a lot of friends, and I think you’re luckier than you believe.

Have a good one and remember this bit of advice from The Muppets Take Manhattan

“Peoples is peoples.”

One more thing:

I married my best friend after college. Last November, after seven years married, she came out and left me for her girlfriend. It is better to know early rather than later.


So, has there been any resolution?

shit homebrew - me too!! only difference is that we were in love all through college, lived together for 4 years, got married, then she went off with another woman!!!

there’s me thinking i was the only one - a la Ross from Friends!


nice to meet you tho homebrew!

Your name is ** Thomas Stearns**, therefore I love you.

I’m sorry to hear about your misfortunes, but I was got glassy-eyed over your username (I’m a huge Eliot fan).

Welcome to the Straight Dope, and I hope your heart heals quickly.

Ouch! Very sorry to hear of your situation.

Woe is you if you’re straight and fall for someone who’s queer, and woe is you if you’re queer and fall for someone who’s straight (trust me, that ain’t pretty either).

It probably bothers you more to think of your beloved with another woman because it emphasizes the fact that you can’t be with her ever. If she was straight, it’s would be easy to console yourself by saying “oh, maybe someday she’ll be single again…” but in this case, even if she became single again, you’d still be out of luck! That hurts like crazy!

Kudos to both of your for being so respectful and trying to navigate such a an extremely difficult dynamic. It’s probably rocky for her too, because if she came out only recently there’s still a vast amount for her to reconcile and discover about herself. And kudos to both of you for being responsible and trying not to injure each others hearts, though it something that tends to happen anyway.

I have a dating theory (my friend calls it “Charmian’s Rule”): Never start to date someone who is currently in a state of change. No matter how perfect he/she may be for you right now, in six months he/she will be a different person and will outgrow you. That can lead to a broken heart.

That’s why it rarely works out if you’re the “rebound relationship.” Or if you’re the one who “brought someone out” (it can get so very, very messy if you’re someone’s first same sex relationship). Or if someone just moved to town, just graduated, just got divorced, or met someone who would be perfect for you if not for the gender issue…

In a few months, she may not be the same person you fell in love with. In the meantime, she’ll may fluctuate between having moments of doubt about her sexuality until the dust clears and she feels comfortable. Coming out is like high school relationships all over again: Imagine having to go through that entire sexual awakening, learning the new physical language, and then trying to find someone who can “like” you back.

So do guard your heart. She sounds like she is trying to be honest, but in a moment of her own uncertainty she could give you mixed signals that could get your hopes up and make it even more ouchie.

Be her friend and expect nothing more. Benefit from the relationship you can have, but don’t hope for much more or you’ll find yourself disappointed.