Thought this would make an interesting first post. Sit back, it’s a good read. Everyone loves human misery.
So I watch Chasing Amy for the first time today (A little ironic foreshadowing for you).
There’s this girl who I’ve had a slight crush on for the past 6 months (she’s going through a training academy with me). Well, at first, I did’nt pursue her because I did’nt have any real emotions for her, just sort of lust. She is insanely good-looking, but I pinned her as some sort of stupid ditz. So every now and then I’d say “Hi”, and be on my way. We’d always make eye contact at the weirdest times though and she always seemed to find excuses to touch me (i.e. fix my tie, adjust my pants, grab my ass as a joke, etc.), and she always come up to me to talk about nothing. So eventually I started paying her some attention.
Three months after I met her we get placed right next to each other in class. To stave off the boredom, we started writing notes to each other. She told me about how bitter and dissapointed with the world she was. How, she tried to be a good person and just kept getting screwed. After I got to know her, I, for a lack of a better term, “fell in love” with her. She told me about how she could completely fall for a guy like me. I chalked that up to just her being nice. I never really expected for her to actually like me, I thought she was just a naturally flirtatious person. But, she had me hooked and I lost control, I just was’nt myself anymore.
So we start talking to each other alot. It seemed like we were flirting all the time and people would always tell me I should ask her out. Once again, I thought she was just being nice, so I never built the courage to ask her out. I was in love, I never thought someone as great as her would ever bother with a plebian like me. Well eventually some people got jealous, they thought I actually had a chance. So one guy walks up to her, with me present, and asks her if she had a boyfriend. She said no and he asked her what she thought about dating me, your love-struck protagonist. To this query, there was a long hesitation, and she replies, “He’s a good friend, he’s a good guy.”.
I’m not stupid, I knew what that meant, she had no romantic interest at all. That was two weeks ago. Everyday I’ve had to see her and it’s been a special kind of torment. I’ve backed off, not talking to her as often, because seeing her just made me want her all the more. I could take the rejection, though, I just needed time. Well she picked up on my feelings, I guess, because she tried even harder to get my attention. She tried talking to me and getting close to me, but I just did’nt have the energy to put on a happy face and act like nothing was going on. To her credit, she kept trying to remain friends, she was being a gracious winner.
So about two hours ago she calls me, gives me some bullshit excuse about needing certain answers to our homework, but she wanted to talk. I’m not a complete asshole, so I talk to her. She asks me about how my dating life is goin, and I ask her about hers. She tells me there are some parts of her she wishes she could show people, but she’s scared of being judged. I pry alittle more and she drops it on me that she’s been a lesbian for the past 7 months now. I was speechless. I fumbled around for words, but the only thing my idiotic brain could come up with was “Well, at least you’re happy”. I had nothing else to say. Seconds after she drops the bomb on me she says, “I know you’re confused” and then she had to get off the phone, leaving me completely in the dark with a whole hell of alot of emotions to deal with.
All this time, I’ve been friends with another girl who happenes to be best friends with the girl I liked. Now they always were together, and did various homoerotic activities with each other, but I never though much of it. It seemed too obvious to say they were lesbians, it was something a schoolboy would say after being rejected. Alot of the times she called me, though, we’d talk for 10 minutes or so. While we talked she’d giggle constantly at the weirdest times, then she’d tell me she had to go. I’ve heard those giggle before though. It’s the same sound you make when someone is tickling you. When she called me today, I heard her tell her “friend” to stop playing around, she was on the phone with me. Her friend seems to be a lesian also. Now, I’m not sure these two are fucking, but it sure does explain a whole hell of alot.
Here’s the rub, and I need you guys to help me sort this out. Instead of being insanely turned on at the thought of two attractive women having sex, the thought eats me up inside. It’s like a shard of glass just working its way into my chest. And the fact that she’s a lesbian should make me feel better, like it’s not due to any faults of mine that she is’nt romantically attracted to me, but that she’s not attracted to my gender. But for some reason it makes me feel oh so worse. I have no idea why. Now I just feel so insanely shitty and I have no idea why.
Here’s what makes this thing all so surreal. When I first saw her, I never even noticed when she sat next to me. Then she started talking to me and I made it a point not to flirt back with her, to act completely proffessional with her. But Life kept throwing us together all the time. We’d be constantly partnered up even when the instructors would randomly pick the groups. Everywhere I went, she’d be there. We wound up liking the same movies, music, etc. It seemed to be kizmet. Then I found out she did’nt like me on the same day we were all supposed to go out drinking, and I was gonna try to get closer to her. Finally, I watch Chasing Amy, and guess what, I find out I’ve been in love with a lesbian all along. I gotta believe in God cause someone up there is trying to fuck with me. Life, my friends, is just one punch in the dick after another.