I met Jen last October. I was in South Carolina on assignment for my day job. I am a part time trubadour and decided to book a couple gigs while I was down there. Can’t resist a little exposure. So, The Whiskey rd. Oyster factory booked me for halloween night. I went in as soon as I got into town to check the place out. Jen was there. It was 5 minutes 'til closing time and she locked the door as I approached. I pleaded to come in and she reluctantly unlocked the door. She was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a dime store do-rag. After introductions and small talk she asked me if I would go over to the Whiskey Junction with her. I did. The local rock n roll honkey tonk was too loud for conversation but we danced 'til we could dance no more.
I had dinner at the Oyster Factory the next night of corse. Jen waited my table and asked what I planned to masquerade as on Halloween night. I said I had not planned on anything and she said, " I am going to be a pimp, why don’t you be my bitch?".
I bought an all black outfit, two sizes too small, and a studded belt and collar with leash. I performed in that shit !! She led me over to the Whiskey Junction after my show and we spent another night dancing and drinking.
I made a habit of having dinner at the Oyster bar and going dancing with Jen. I am not pushy and never moved on her. I was much too much fun to ruin the scene. I was however, becoming very fond of Jen.
The bar manager asked if was going to be back in town anytime soon. They wanted to book me again. I said I would come back anytime. She said she didn’t expect me to come all that way just to play for the meager amount they pay. I said that I had other reasons to come back. She said “what other reasons?”. I said. “I think I am in love with Jen”. She said “you know she is a lesbian?”. I was shocked but not shaken in my feelings for Jen.
Since then I have been booking there once a month. Jen is always ecstatic to see me and we always spend the night drinking, dancing and wind up at her place talking about life 'til dawn. I have not moved on her nor she on me. The frank conversations have conspicuosly avoided the single issue that is on both of our minds.
I just got off the phone with Jen. I love her. If I had to sign a sexual waiver I would marry her. Nothing matters when I am with her. Jesus Christ, I am waaaay too old for this shit.
Any help ou there? All advice welcome.
P.S. Mods, if this is the wrong forum feel free to put it where it belongs.
I’d like to offer help if I could, but I can’t. All I can do is sympathize as I’ve been in exactly the same situation. What I saw as “dating” was just “hanging out” to her and thanks to my own inexperience I thought we were in a relationship while as far as she was concerened, we were just good friends.
The fact that she was a lesbian didn’t come up until her old high school boyfriend, still bitter about “losing her to another woman” as he put it, clued me in. I’m sorry to say I reacted badly at the time and our friendship suffered as a result.
Somehow I was eventually able to get past my own predjudices and we’re still very good friends to this day. Part of me is still in love with her and always will be and I can’t help but occsionally wonder what might have happened were the situation different, but she’s the best friend I ever had I wouldn’t trade that for anything. There’s more to life than sex, and anyone who tells you different is either too young or too immature to be attempting to give advice on such matters.
Niced to know I am not alone. If good friends is all it can it be then I can accept that. I just don’t want ruin that chance by admitting my true feelings. At the same time I really neesd to get my feelings out there. Will it squash it all to confront the issue?
Leslie, the woman I spoke of before, is aware of how I once (and to some extent still do) feel about her and has more than once commented that if she weren’t a lesbian, we’d probably be married and have three kids by now, and I’m to the point where I can take that comment as the light-hearted joke its meant to be rather than a depressing reminder of what might have been.
That said, every situation is different. If you really feel like you can’t go on being friends with Jen without letting her know how you feel, then you’ve got to tell her. Better to get it out of the way now than letting it fester. Getting everything out in the open fairly early on is probably the best thing that ever happened to my friendship with Leslie because it’s probably the reason we still are friends.
And of course, as Mr. Duality said there’s always the chance that ir’s just a misunderstanding. Either way, you owe it to yourself to 'fess up to Jen. You also owe it to her, because if you consider her a friend she deserves to know what’s going on with you.
Movie script? “Chasing Amy” has already been done. Of course, the good thing about that movie – sort of – is that the main character actually makes headway with the lesbian he falls for.
Well, I was going to suggest you sit down and watch Chasing Amy together, and drop some hints… “damn you look like that girl… this is my favourite movie… I can really relate to it. Can’t you?”
And if that fails, you know that either you’re not what she’s looking for, or my advice sucks.
In support of the talking to her about it argument, what if: the manager (lady) has a crush on Jen, is HOPING that she is a lesbian and just for sound measure to make sure you don’t get too close, told Jen that YOU were gay. Maybe Jen is wondering why you never bring it up… Okay, maybe it is implausible, but who knows in this world?
Of course, like someone else mentionned, you don’t have to be direct about it. Drop into the conversation sometime about how you had a great friend in college who was a lesbian and see how she reacts. (of course, please use more tact than I took in just describing it!).
She is a lesbian. Delaine was just the first to tell me. Since then I have confirmed that with a couple others and Jen has alluded to it herself. What hasn’t happened is the frank exchange of my feelings and what is within the realm of possibility for her.
And for what it’s worth, there’s a scene in Chasing Amy where Affleck’s character gets berated for trying to subtlely dig for clues in casual conversation for something that he suspects is true about his lesbian girlfriend. I belive her reaction is that he should stop interogating her like “Hercule F*ckin’ Poirot.”
Of course, not all potential lesbian girlfriends are the same as one fictional character, but I think it’s general good policy to be straightforward and honest with pepole. It shows you have respect for them as a person
I don’t know what to say, so I sent this in to the Terrible Advice Fairy:
Dear Terrible Advice Fairy;
A friend of mine - well, he’s not really a friend, he’s just a fellow Doper - is in love with a lesbian. They get along great but he’s straight and she’s not. He’s head over heels for her. What should he do?
Signed, Concerned in Canada
Dear Concerned:
You can convert anyone, gay or straight, to your own orientation if you’re persistent enough. Just remember that persistence is the key. Hang around your lesbian friend a lot and play soulful oldies hits so that it’s all romantic-like like the movies. Also, comically over-the-top stunts designed to get her attention will work. Just remember, this whole lesbian thing is something she can grow out of if you stalk her enough to show your true love.
