****I really need some advice or maybe a similar story or just an ear. I met this girl over a year ago in college. We had the same math class together and we began studying together. Months gone by and we became really good friends. Never more than that and we both said that we were not looking for anything. She was living with her ex boyfriend of 12 yrs and had to daughters with the same guy. She was not happy with him and said that they lived together but not sleeping in same bed and that she was seeing this other guy that she had went to high school with at the time. The thing is , that guy was married. We had talked about it before and I told her that he would never leave his wife for her. She continued on with him. It never bothered me because I had no interest in her like that . I knew so much of her and how she treated guys and she told me that she would be trouble if we ever hooked up. One night she called me and was all upset and said that she needed a place to stay because she didnt want to go home. I told her to come over and she said that she didnt want me to ask questions and that she just needed me to be there for her and wanted me to hold her until she fell asleep. That is what i did. There was a few other times like that where she called on me and I was always there for her like a good friend would be. I even needed her a couple times and she allowed me to stay at her house. Never crossing that line. Well one time , it happened and we were intimate. I thought for sure that would end things but it didnt. We stayed good friends and in fact it happened a couple more times. Then it happened . I began to grow feelings for my best friend. It was eating away at me. I had to tell her. I didnt know how to. I kept hinting at the fact that i had fallen in love with her but she just wasnt getting it or just wasnt leading on that she knew. Finally one day, she asked me why i was being short with her and why i was avoiding her. I told her that i was in love with her. We had this long discussion and she told me that she didnt feel the same for me . That really killed me . She said that she didnt want our friendship to change and that she understands how i feel etc. It has been tough ever since. For this past month it has been nothing but upsets for me . I thought that i could handle things and remain the same . A few weeks ago, I was over her house and we started kissing and she stopped me and told me that she did not want to confuse me . I told her that it was fine. So we slept together. That next morning, I was so confused and we talked. She just said that she wasnt ready for a relationship and that she wants me to be happy and not wait for her because she isnt right in the head . Well just two nights ago , I was over her house and again it happened. I began kissing her on the couch and she stopped me and asked , what we were doing ? she continued to say that we are friends and that we shouldnt do this anymore etc. I asked her why she had this wall up and why she didnt feel for me. She told me that she was still seeing that married guy and that her heart belongs with him. My heart dropped to the ground. She seen how sad i was , hearing that and even asked me if that made me sad. She said the way i felt for her is the way she feels for that guy. I could not believe it. I told her that I wanted to go home . I started to go and she grabbed my arm and didnt want me to go home. She said that she wanted to sleep with me. We went to the bedroom and started to become intimate but all i could think of was what she just had told me. It really hurt me . It was a good night intimate wise but the drive home was a long one. I got home at 4 am and did not sleep the whole morning. I waited till 10 am and i called her. I had to know what it was that i did or didnt have for her that she wanted from that married guy. here i was. Never married, no kids , going to school , her daughters get along with me etc… She tells me again that she isnt ready for a relationship. I told her that I didnt want that right now . That what i wanted was just a little bit of hope that there was a possibility that it might happen later. She just said that she was sorry . That she was interested in this guy. Then I asked her, are you not attracted to me ? She told me NO… I just dont understand that . How is it that she would be intimate with me if there was no attraction? I personally could not be intimate with a girl that I have no attraction for… I mean maybe once but not 3 or 4 times. I am not understanding this. She says that I am not her “type”. I asked her, what her type was. She is 35 and her ex is 47 yrs old. She said that she ends up with these big white guys with blue eyes… Her ex was this big burly , hairy guy with blue eyes. I am sure he was a nice guy but he wasnt what i thought was her type. She tells me that i am cute but she isnt attracted to me. Is that a nice way to say that i am ugly or somethng??? It really confuses me that she would be intimate with me and we are very passionate but yet she says im not her type. Is it because she doesnt want a relationship with me but enjoys being intimate with me. Or maybe she isnt too sure that this MARRIED guy will ever leave his wife so she wants to keep me on a short leash , tell me that im not her type so that i dont become attached to her. I dont know . I just know that i told her that I need to not see her for a while and she didnt like that . She asked me if i still wanted to be her friend and I told her that I didnt want that to change and that I told her in the past that I would be her friend forever and i didnt want this to change things. I just need time right now and then maybe we can become friends again. But I find myself missing her so much these past couple days and want to pick up phone and call her but I know its best to let things cool off a bit. I just dont know what to do afterwards. Do I continue to become intimate or just leave that off as well. I love her so much and it hurts that she says that she just sees me as her best friend and nothing more. Any suggestions please. I am so lost here . Please, maybe some advice from girls please. Maybe to what she is possibly thinking and is there a chance that she misses me or will miss me enough to change things? she had told me that she was going to give me time but that she would text me everyday to bug me so that I dont let her go. I know that they say let them go and if they come back , its meant to be. But the prob is that if she comes back, how am I supposed to if its because she misses me as a friend or that she wants to grow on what I had told her. Is it possible that just because she says im not her type , that she could possibly fall for me sometime … I know that with this other guy around, she prob isnt even thinking of me like that . Can she be intimate with me and not have feelings at all??? Please help
:smack:
Um get in a relationship? It worked for me.
It helped with what ? The way I feel , the only relationship I want is with her but she is saying that I am not her type and that she also isnt ready.
I wonder if I continue to be her friend that it would be possible she would change the way she feels. I mean being someones type is only one part of the puzzle,
Yea sorry, well I mean she basically told you she is not interested. I can’t see any situation where that is going to change, and a lot where continuing to pursue it will just make her dislike you.
Its all so confusing. I see where you might be right but she is willing to still be intimate with me though. This is where I am thinking that she may have something for me but isnt saying . Its her actions but at the same time, she is telling me that she doesnt want to lead me on and that she is interested in that other guy still. This is so hard. I sometimes wish we never crossed that line. I dont want to lose her friendship and at the same time, we are so passionate.
She likes you for a sex a partner but not for a relationship partner. No, she’s not going to change her mind.
She’s told you what she wants. Don’t try to twist it into something you’d rather hear. Your only choice now is if you can settle for what she’s offering or if you go looking elsewhere.
And please, for crying in the beer, learn to use the space bar, the period key, and proper paragraph structure.
My insomnia is, perhaps, a chance for our new member to actually have his saga read.
Wallstreetjd, it’s really really hard to read what you wrote when you have old eyes. So I’m just going to break it up into paragraphs a bit. I’m trying to do it without changing the meaning of anything you wrote, so hopefully you can get some of the advice you’re asking for. (In fact, I have some, which I’ll post in another post after this.)
Paragraphation mine, all text unchanged from the original post:
Of course this is your first post to these boards. Will you be posting in other theads?
Dude, sorry, but this is not going to work for you in any way. She and you both ost the friendship when romance and sex and love crept in, no matter whose " fault that was.
Also, nothing anyone in this thread is going to say will make any difference. You will have to go through this. You will try to get her to fall in love with you, you will seem to succeed at times, but in the end it won’t work. You’ll be hartbroken for a lot of time, feel elated and obsessed, have a few hot drama filled lovemaking nights. You’ll feel increasingly annoyed an bored with yourself, especially when you see real relationships around you blossom.
people who mean you well will advise you to end both the friendship and the sort-of-relationship with a clean break, mourn for a while, and then go look for love and friendship somewhere else. It will be good advice, and you won’t listen.
My estimate is that it will take you the next 18 months to end this mess. That is if you are lucky.
If you aren’t luky, don’t have luck meeting someone else, of if you get her pregnant, it could take years of your life.
It could also take years of your life if you think a half/half relationship with her is the best you can get, so you will build your life around it and be not quite open to a real relationship because you feel sorta taken.
Sorry you have to go through this.
I didnt realize I was writing a paper for english class here.
I have had a bad breakup prior to meeting this girl and said that I would buckle down and concentrate on finishing school. I met this girl in math class and we got along so well. Then this happened. I told her the other day that I think that we should just stop talking, seeing each other etc and she gave me this guilt trip saying that its not fair that we stop being friends etc. I told her that i feel I need time away from her to clear my head and we could possibly continue the friendship afterwards. She said she understands but didnt want me to take too much time and that she would continue to text me so that i would not forget about her . I have not talked to her in 3 days now and she has been texting me . I dont want to be a jerk to her but you are absolutely right. If I dont break this now, its going to consume me. I just hate the idea of losing her completely. Its just so hard to believe that she doesnt have anything for me . When we are together and Im not just talking sexually, we have so much fun together . We talk about anything and everything, we have a lot in common and we are so comfortable with one another. Im just not her type :dubious:
Oh, I’ve been there, honey. Madly crazily in love with a “just a friend” who kept sleeping with me. To this day, almost 20 years later, I still don’t entirely know how he felt about me. It sure felt like he had more-than-friend feelings, and the signals were mixed like a DJ on Ecstasy! For two years we did this dance. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The sex was great, as was the emotional high in those moments when I felt like it was so obvious he really loved me. The crash was intense, when he told me again he didn’t. Up and down and up and down for two years.
So, yes, I’ve been there. Lordy, I’ve been there. And it sucks. And it’s awesome at the same time.
The older I get, the more experience I have with people, the more I learn that you should believe them when they say stuff like this. We like to believe that they’re just talking shit about themselves, and that we’re so much better than anyone they’ve been with that things will be different with us. Mostly, it’s not. It’s exactly the same, and they were being honest all along. We just hear what we want to hear, and ignore what they’re actually, literally telling us.
Yeah. Again…*believe *her. She’s actually being honest with you.
You know what I’m going to say, right? (Believe her. She’s telling you the truth.)
I’m sure she does. I believe her.
I believe this, too. I bet the sex is really good. I bet you make her feel like a goddess. I bet she’s kind of addicted to the emotional high she gets when she makes you stay. I’m not saying that to be mean, please don’t misunderstand me. But the energy between you two is intense, I know it is. Been there!
nodding She’s telling you the truth.
I don’t think it has anything to do with “type”, to be honest. For whatever reason, she feels for this guy like you feel for her. Maybe it’s pheremones, maybe he’s really good in bed, maybe he reminds her of her daddy, who knows. It’s really not important and…it’s really not any of your business. She’s infatuated with him, and she’s not willing to stop seeing him. She’s being very clear about that.
Any of these is possible. In the end, does it really matter? I know you want to understand, but what if I were to tell you right now that you’ll never, ever understand? How would that change your behavior?
Smartest thing you’ve said all night. 
Did you know that when we’re infatuated with a person, being around them, even thinking about them, releases chemicals in our brain that act like opium? It’s true. You’re literally jonesing for her like a junkie jonses for heroin. It’s okay, you can get through this. But a junkie doesn’t overcome his addiction by buying more heroin, and you will not overcome your addiction to her by hanging out with her and having sex with her.
Let me ask you a sensitive question: was she sexually abused or assaulted at some point? She’s acting very much like she was. Often, grown victims of sexual abuse don’t know a better way to keep someone around than to have sex with them. I do believe she wants you in her life as a friend. I think it’s harsh to keep sleeping with you to do that, given that you have feelings for her and she doesn’t for you. But I also don’t believe you’d fall in love with an outright bitch. I think she’s damaged, and you’re getting hurt by the shrapnel.
You can’t fix damaged all by yourself. But the best thing you can do, if you honestly love her and are strong enough (but this takes an immense amount of strength that, truly, most people don’t have) is to be her friend only, and refuse to sleep with her. Show her that at least one man values her for more than her vagina. Let her see that you enjoy her company even if she’s not having sex with you. Help her learn new ways of relating to men without sleeping with them.
But that’s asking a lot. A whole lot. And if you can’t, that’s absolutely okay. You’re under no obligation to help if it’s going to cost you your heart. If you can’t be a true friend to her and not have sex with her, then yes…the next best thing you can do is to cut off all communication. All of it. No visits, no phone calls, no texts, no emails. (You’re probably crying now as you read that…I know I would have been 20 years ago.)
I know, it’s hard, and it sucks, but she’s being honest with you. You’re the one not being honest here. You’re not being honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself and figure out if you are capable of being a friend without sex. If you are, great, do that. If you’re not, get out. It’s only fair to both of you, even though it’s going to be hard to break the addiction.
I’m a woman, and as a woman I say: she’s got some nerve to try and guilttrip YOU. Of course she’s afraid to lose you, for the same reasons as you did and also because you fit perfectly in her messy relationship life as the accepting closing stone. But that is not waht you want and need, and if she was a true friend who also had your best interest at heart, she would give you the minimum of four months apart people need in these circumstances. Not a grudging three days while she texts you to make sure you don’t forget her. Sjeesh.
The good news is, you went from zero to good friendship with a person in about two months. Go out there and try to kindle that friendship with someone else. Preferably a straight male like yourself. Such friendships, however hard to make, are in no danger of being spoilt by sex and actually survive a divorce.
I assume you were aiming to write something people would/could actually READ, not just look at the wall of verbal vomit and move on.
You have made sense of a lot of this mess for me and i thank you. Although, we really do not know what is going on in that head of hers, it seems spot on what you have said. I know that i can be her friend without having sex with her. It will be hard though because you are right. There is a lot of energy there and we flirt so much back and forth. I also have read a lot the past few days where girls have came on here saying that they have met guys where they thought there was no way in hell they would ever go out with them , much less have sex with them or carry on a relationship and then find themselves questioning thngs and falling in love with that guy. The fact that the guy wasnt their type all changed because they realized that the guy was a true friend, was always there and never judged them and in the end , that meant more than being with someone that was their type., I would like to believe that there is hope but the question is , do I really want to put in all the time to find out …
Whoops, I didn’t realize the OP started his own thread for this as well as posting it to the “physical types” thread. It’s certainly more appropriate as its own thread. I don’t know if the mods can move my post over to this one or not, but I’ll ask.
In the meantime, link to my brilliance. 
(And also, link to the OP with paragraphs. 'Cause I’m just that nice.)
Sorry. Next time I will be sure to submit an appropriate paper. Would you like an outline as well? All I asked for was a bit of advice. Not a graded paper. Thanks anyway. Like I needed any more grief this evening.
(This quote was a reply in the other thread; copied here to try to keep the conversation in one place.)
Here’s the thing though…once we sleep with them, then we know. At least, I did, four years ago, with a different man. I thought he was undatable (as I shared in that other thread) and then I decided I was being a twit and I gave him a chance. We went out on a date and when he kissed me…fireworks. Amazing feelings of rightness. When we made love, it was even better. As we spent the next three days together, and then three out of the next four weeks together every minute, I knew. He was right for me. I am right for him. It’s nearly four years later now, and it still feels like that every time we kiss.
I don’t know anyone, ever, who has had a friend and then slept with them, more than once, and then still needed time for it to grow into infatuation/love. I won’t say it’s absolutely impossible, but it’s very, very unlikely, at least in anything resembling the short term. Years and years from now, maybe, because by then you’ll effectively be different people. But she’s got a lot of healing to do first, and she can’t do that if you’re encouraging her broken-ness by continuing to sleep with her.
You’re welcome. I’ve replied further in this thread that you started with the same post. Just to try to keep things tidy. 