I have a friend who has recently struck up a relationship with a guy. So far it’s pretty much been physical and that is going fantastically, but she thinks both parties are starting to feel things developing and are kind of uncomfortable with that. Both parties are a little gun shy and want to take it slow, give each other plenty of space, and just see how things work out. The chemistry between them is great, but both are somewhat emotionally unavailable people in general and not really looking to change that.
The problem? My friend is starting to fall for him. She’s starting to think about him when he’s not around. She’s starting to get a bit misty eyed when love songs come on the radio. Danger!
What can she do? She really doesn’t want to fall for him- it’s just not the right point in the relationship, and all that’s gonna do is complicate a good thing. How can she slow or stop this process while still maintaing a relatively non-emotionally-invested relationship with him? Any advice?
She could go back to China where the possibility of these giddy feelings was quite a bit crappier.
Breathe. Relax. Enjoy the Ride. If he’s ‘the one’ and you spend the next 70 years together, you’ll never feel the same way you do now. (Sometimes better, sometimes worse, but now is awesome, too.)
Yes seriously, stop the physical shit, it’s driving the emotions.
If it’s too soon, it’s too soon. If she can’t/won’t refrain from the physical then the writings on the wall. Enjoy the physical for as long as the ride lasts. If she’s right and it’s too soon, the ride will be over soon enough anyway.
Seems to me she’d be better off prepping for the demise, which, if she’s right and it is too soon/fast, is already headed her way. She doesn’t sound terribly mature, or in control of her emotions/relationships so she’s probably the type to fall to pieces when the train she saw coming pulls into the station.
Stock up on tissue, put away the knives, and prepare for the weeping and self loathing!
Y’all seem to be missing the point of the question, which is “How can she stop falling for him while continuing to sleep with him?”
The answer isn’t to stop having sex with him. It’s to stop hanging out with him when they’re not having sex. Take a deep breath, remind herself that this is supposed to be just sex, and call a friggin’ cab.
Just enjoy the ride. There’s no way to go back, so enjoy it, and let the inevitable pangs of loss later, when it ends, work their magic the next time she doesn’t want to get involved too deeply.
Some women just aren’t able to have sex without emotion. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Frankly, I’d rather be the type of woman who can’t fuck without feeling than the type that can. Tell your friend to embrace her feelings and her ability to feel, instead of trying not to do what is completely natural and human.
Fuck, I am glad I can fuck without emotion, or else I would have never been able to have a sex life. I’ve only actually loved, what, three people in my entire life? I’ve had sex with male friends, with no emotional type love crap. Oh, thank the heavens I can fuck emotions-free, because I love sex, but I don’t love love.
Good advice, and good perspective. I think DianaG has a good point…if it’s about sex, it should stay compartmentalized like that. I think that’s do-able for the time being, and doesn’t cut off the possibility of more developing at a more appropriate time.
It is absolutely true that my friend is not terribly emotionally mature, and that’s not getting solved in the next couple of weeks. That is why she would like to explore the idea of taking things slow and getting to know dude pretty well before she starts having feelings, while also not having to live like a nun.
Some people just aren’t able to have sex without emotion. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, just like sex without all the weeping and carrying on is nothing to be ashamed of. Frankly, I’d rather be the type of woman who can’t fuck without feeling than the type that can,** although there’s certainly something to be said for emotional continence as well**. Tell your friend to embrace her feelings and her ability to feel, instead of trying not to do what is completely natural and human. Not that wanting to simply enjoy sex for its own sake isn’t natural and human, of course.
I don’t think we have to debate the differences among women. I’m just saying, some women are cut out for fwb relationships, and some aren’t. It shouldn’t be a badge of shame to not be all “fuck me and then go away”. Viva la difference and all that.
Look, her heart’s going to hurt either way. Either she’ll somehow manage to end her feelings for this guy, which will hurt, or she won’t, and he won’t reciprocate, and it’ll hurt.
Or…stay with me now…she just might find that he’s falling for her, too, and has been hiding it because it’s “just sex.” Are the chances great? I don’t know, maybe not. But they’re sure better than zero, which is what she gets with the above two options!
Don’t over intellectualize the situation; give the heart a chance. Listen to me: Sometimes you really need to let the wind blow through your spirit and accept what it leaves behind.
“taking things slow and getting to know dude pretty well before she starts having feelings”, this sentence should read, “taking things slow and getting to know dude pretty well before she starts having SEX with him!”
As you’ve written it, it’s a nice sentiment, but, honestly if she was that mature or self aware she wouldn’t be in the spot she’s in right now, would she?
If you want to do her a real favour, make her acknowledge that she is not emotionally mature enough for a ‘friends with benefits relationship’, empirical evidence being right before her eyes. Yeah, she’s about to get emotionally crushed again. And again. And again.
When we repeat behaviour we’d like to change, going around the same track again and again, when those around us seem to have learned the lesson in one lap, it’s almost always because we’re not being honest with ourselves, not owning our part in it. And, as you’ve no doubt noticed, you just keep going around and around, repeating the same behaviour, endlessly until you learn the lesson.
Seriously, this person is destined to crash hard, and soon. Tissues, lots and lots of tissue.
What? I know plenty of mature and self-aware people that aren’t into fwb situations. Why does not being able to spread your legs to someone you don’t have feelings for make a woman “less than”, in your opinion?
