Yeah 'kay. Thanks for your input, it’s as friendly as always.
I’m not going for friendly, I’m going for fair and reasonable. What are you going for? Because if it’s not smugly superior, you’re failing.
It’s funny how a square has to be a rectangle to be a square but a rectangle doesn’t have to be a square to be a rectangle.
What are you on about? I never said, nor implied, what you’ve stated here. I spoke singularly to the point that this ‘friend’ pretty clearly doesn’t have what it takes to separate sex from emotion. I was not implying this made her ‘less than’ in anyway, only that she should learn from her mistake and not enter into what, for her, isn’t working out so well, again.
Nice chip on the shoulder though! Keep up the good fight! Fuck whoever you like, no one’s stopping you, bully for you! But we aren’t talking about you we’re talking about Sven’s ‘friend’.
It seems to me like you’re always looking to pick a fight, especially with another woman. Did you miss the part where I said “viva la difference”? I don’t care who does what with whom- but developing feelings for people you’re having sex with is not something to be ashamed of, and doesn’t make one immature or not self-aware. In fact, studies do show that a lot of woman just aren’t wired like that. Some are, and I don’t begrudge them that. But some aren’t, and that’s okay, too.
lol
Okay- did I misinterpret the above? Are you saying that if the friend can’t handle a fwb situation with no feelings involved, she’s not emotionally mature? Can you explain what you really meant, then? I’m not being snarky with you, I honestly interpreted the above to mean just that.
I don’t want to have sex with my male friends that I have no romantic feelings for. Does this make me immature or not self-aware?
Yeah, that’s totally me with the woman-hating.
I apologize if you feel picked on, but your comments about people who ‘spread their legs’ independent of emotional attachment can only be construed as disparaging, even when you take care to preface with ‘viva la difference’. If you really believe that either way is okay, then why with the snide?
I do apologize if I misinterpreted** elbows’** post. I’m not trying to argue with anyone. My point was that either way, it’s fine. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re not able to have sex without emotional attachment, just like it’s fine if you are.
It would if you went into the relationship hoping to stay emotionally distant despite an inability to do so.
If I were young and didn’t know I had that inability, and went into it honestly and naively, then that just makes it a learning situation, not a shaming one.
Where’s the shame in not having yet matured? Isn’t being naive a part of being immature?
I think people are being a bit too cut and dried.
Most people find in these situations that they can stay emotionally uninvolved with some people and not with others, most people arent all one or the other.
The problem is whether you can know going in that its going to be one or the other beforehand. For most people experience is the only one that lets you know that one for sure - if you’ve had lots of experience and are still getting it wrong more often than not, then perhaps ‘emotional immaturity’ or whatever is a reasonable thing to consider.
In this case the person seems to have found out that it wasnt what they expected, and are hoping to wind back the clock. My suggestion in that case would be to look at why they want to do that - is it because they’re worried it will ruin a possible hope of a real relationship for the future by going too fast, or because they’re scared of falling in love again, or what? Because its more likely that thats the real problem.
Otara
Thanks guys, actually just writing this stuff out has taken the edge off and given me some good perspective.
Honestly, I think dude is probably falling harder and faster than I am. That fits a pattern. I’m a really different kind of girl- very direct, very complicated, very independent and very sexual- and some guys fall for that hard.
But he has made it pretty clear he’s got his own emotional baggage making him cautious, and I can totally respect that. I’m really no stranger to emotional baggage, and indeed it’s kind of refreshing to meet someone who can understand that. We agreed that we were both ridiculously into each other, but both feeling very cautious, and that we should see where this goes without trying to force anything. I agreed, but with the caveat that he not waste my time. If it’s looking like things are going nowhere, it’s better for us to communicate that and decide what to do with the sexual aspect of things keeping that in mind. I find this arrangement perfectly agreeable, perhaps even ideal.
Now if only I could quell this little fluttery feeling.
What?! It’s not really your friend you’re talking about, but yourself? Wow, I bet that never happens on this board! 
this x 100
The ignore button is your friend.
“I find this arrangement perfectly agreeable, perhaps even ideal.”
“Now if only I could quell this little fluttery feeling.”
These two things, do not go together, for me. Were the situation ‘perfectly agreeable’ or ‘ideal’ you wouldn’t be feeling the way you’ve described here, which is clearly yearning for more.
Your ‘friend’ sees herself as very sexual, strong and independent. She’s pretty invested in that. But really she offers sex only, then falls hard, too soon, gets crushed - yet again. Stunned there is no emotional reciprocation, from a fella she assured she just wanted sex from, but then falls hard for. And then gets all weepy and head in ovenish.
Self awareness is a function of maturity. Until you see yourself as you are, instead of how you picture yourself, you’ll just keep repeating the same patterns.
I don’t think elbows is saying even sven ('s friend) is wrong or lesser for attaching sex to emotion. I think what he/she is saying is that even sven is being foolish to engage in fuck-buddy type relationships if she knows she is the type to get attached.
I don’t always get attached, and the low-expectation relationships I’ve had without a lot of emotional mess have been some of the best time of my life. That said, I’m not opposed to an emotionally involved relationship (although a “move in together, meet the parents, buy some ikea furniture, get a cat” thing is as appealing to me as wet bread) but I’d want to do it slowly, with lots of honest communication, and with clear ideas of each other’s expectations and levels of commitment. I’m pretty sure dude is at the same point, so yay.
Anyway, this thread worked. Coming to a better understanding of what I’m looking for and a realistic assessment of what I’ll probably get has quieted that pesky heart right down. I’m terrible at keeping perspective, so just stepping back and reflecting is often enough to keep me from getting too caught up.