Pretty much the only way to stop falling for someone is to not see them at all. If you keep seeing him, you’ll keep having those addictive, falling-in-love feelings. Honestly, I’m not seeing where the drama is coming from here.
You are exactly on the money.
However, I have to say, I don’t think her ‘friend’ does ‘know’. I only see rationalization of why it’s all okay now, because she’s thought or spoken of it. I am convinced she can see what’s coming next, she is very intelligent. She can see that train coming at her. It’s sort of like she’s saying, “Oh, it’s okay now, I can see that the train is coming!” While, simultaneously, ignoring that she’s still standing on the track.
“but I’d want to do it slowly, with lots of honest communication”
Seriously? When you gonna take up this going slowly thing? Any time soon? Or is this just another gap between how you perceive yourself and who you really are? And honest communication? When you enter into a fuckbuddy set up, then fall hard, what you’ve done cannot reasonably be described as honest communication, in my opinion.
Again, self awareness and ownership, of your own shit, a big piece of what constitutes maturity. In regards to sex, relationships and life in general.
However, I am a very firm believer that sometimes we all have to go around the track more than once, in life, before we get the learning. And in my experience, beating yourself up for revisiting difficult ground, you’ve covered before, doesn’t make the journey any shorter. So screw it, if you have to go through it all, yet again, so be it. I say drop the self loathing and get on with it, and hope that, this time, you see what you could not last time. And I say this as a person who went round the track several times in my own life.
Are regular people really so influenced by their emotions?
I was older than 30 when I found out I was somewhat on the autistic spectrum, but its always been that for me, if I decide that having feelings for someone isnt a good idea, my rational side puts the kibosh to my emotions.
All my life I have been baffled by the hypnotic sway that limerence seemingly has on people. For a years I was convinced that it was all a matter of some sort of adult make-believe.
So I dont mean to be insulting, though I probably am, but I really want to know: Do you really have no choice in the matter? More and more I learn that I really dont know what makes people tick.
Yes. Most people find it takes a lot of effort (willpower) to carry on with their rational behavior when it’s not what their emotional state wants.
Now, are we doomed to this? No. Some religions and spiritual traditions teach how to suppress it and act as we Will, not as we Want. Some people read self-help books or take seminars on changing their lives, which almost always boil down to, “Act in accordance with your rational will, not your emotional wants.” Some parents spend a lot of time teaching their children to delay gratification, which is the first step to doing this. Some people just get there on their own with age and maturity.
My biggest step, as I shared in a thread recently, was when my stepmother once said something to the effect of, “Your heart is racing, you’re sweating, your stomach is tied up in knots and your mind is racing? Hmmm…those things describe both excitement and fear. You choose which.” That was the first time I really understood that “feelings” (physiological reactions) and “emotions” (the value-laden interpretation of those feelings) were actually two different things. No, I can’t stop my feelings, those are autonomic nerve triggered hormonal effects. But I can chose which emotion to interpret my feelings as. Fear or excitement - they’re the same exact “feelings”, but two different emotions.
Get rid of the flutter in your stomach? Pfft. Why on earth? That can be, off the top of my head: excitement, fear, anxiety, joy, anticipation, appreciation and even - dare I say it? - love. So, even sven…you choose. 
That’s an interesting dichotomy you’ve created.
I think another place where people get stuck is in the connection between actions and emotions. We’ve raised the hopeless affair to romantic godhood, but really, change your actions and you get different results - don’t see someone that you have no future with. Don’t hang around with that married guy at work if your crush on him is threatening to overwhelm your good sense. Don’t be the crying shoulder for your married female friend if you can’t get her out of your mind every time she comes over and cries all over you. You may also note here that none of this is EASY - it’s often fairly SIMPLE, though.
What, you mean between “emotionless slut” and “normal woman?”
This. I’ve heard versions of this story and dealt with the fall-out 100 times. If you’re seeing someone casually and you are developing non-casual feelings that you don’t want to deal with: stop seeing him.
No one ever takes this advice.
In this case it sounds like this relationship has the potential for twoo love and stuff, it just feels too soon. Unless you have the rare ability to squash feelings that you know aren’t intellectually right, I think you’re going to just have to accept that you’re going to have loving feelings for this guy earlier than is comfortable for you. Keep them under control so you don’t freak him out, that’s all. Maybe try spending less time with him.
Yes. Most people find it nearly impossible to override their emotions with logical thinking, and often make critical decisions based on what they are feeling at the moment. This is why so many people spend much of their time in what I consider emotional chaos. I don’t know how many of them would want to trade with someone like me. I don’t have lows, but I don’t have highs either.
I like the cut of your jib.
I honestly think that ideas of what is “too soon” are rarely useful. I am not claiming that we are all victims of fate or have to follow wherever our hearts lead, but I do think that there’s a strong element of serendipity in most romantic relationships, and timing isn’t one of the things we have a great deal of control over.
Or I could just be justifying my own behavior since I met my boyfriend “too soon” after his marriage broke up and my husband died. My rational mind was all, “Whoa, mule!” while the rest of me wondered why I was getting so afraid of a calendar.
If you don’t want the genie, don’t rub the lamp.
Not only that, but that being able to have sex without having fallen for someone makes you an emotionless slut. This false dichotomy has layers.
Some of them opaque to rose colored glasses*
I don’t know what it means, either…
If someone tells you who they are, believe them. Or keep fucking him and get more attached, then post later about how he fucked you over. Whichever.
Your friend is jerking your chain. “…getting to know the dude pretty well before she starts having feelings…” Let me get this straight. She is already falling for him. She is sleeping with him. Now she wants to get to know him pretty well…what else is there?
Are you trying to counsel her? If so, I think you are in love with her yourself, and you are blinded to the fact that she is already deeply in love with him, to the point of distraction, and she is just shining you on.
Best wishes,
hh
Spot on, mate. I can even say with certainty that Even Sven had sex with the friend she talks about.
Uhhhhhhh, I guess that could be true according to some interpretations =).
I wonder if the responses to this thread would have been the same if it were a male wanting to maintain a sex-only, none of that emotional crap relationship?
follow the heart - again, I need to point out the obvious:
There are two kinds of regrets:
- Damn! I wish I hadn’t done that!
- I wonder what would have happened if I had done that when I had the chance?
I’ll deal with a dozen type 1’s before a single type 2.
Dio would be in here claiming that the man was abusing his partner. 
Wait, why are you presuming that being sexual, strong, and independent is mutually exclusive from getting emotionally invested in one’s partner? As far as I can tell, you can be both – hell, you can be both in spades. Caring for someone isn’t a sign of weakness or dependency.
I don’t think her self-perception – at least that aspect of it – is any kind of issue, here.
Seriously… there’s no cosmic timeline, here.