My gf of a few months, the one who first brought up marriage and buying a house together, says she needs to get something out of her system. There’s this guy that she met 3 years ago, but only recently became attracted to. She isn’t sure why or for what reason, but she feels the need to spend some time with him, even though she knows that nothing will happen long term with him, and that I’m the one. She says that it will only make her more confident in her decision to choose me. We decided months ago to ban getting nasty with others, but seeing others is okay (a bit of a gray area, really). So I ask you members of the board, has anyone tried “getting something out of the system” in the early serious stages of a LTR, and how did it work out?
pure unadulterated bullshit is what that is.
What happens later when she has another need to get something “out of her system”? Either she is committed to you or she isn’t.
This “getting it out of your system” bullshit is nothing more than making excuses to cheat.
I would tell her to grow the fuck up.
I am in a LTR also and there’s absolutely NO WAY that either of us would want “to get something out of our system”. I am totally in love with my fiance and he with me - nobody else comes into the equation.
I would serioulsy think long and hard about marriage in this situation - seems to me she’s not committed to the two of you at all.
Get something out of her system… oh lord :smack:
Run, don’t walk.
I’d seriously reconsider any long-term plans with a woman who’d even bring The Other LTR in between us. I’d also tell her so, and I’d make it clear not to count on me waiting up for her while she makes up her mind.
Actually, it doesn’t even matter if she does try out The Other LTR. The fact that she thought it was appropriate to think of asking me to move to the back burner tells me all I need to know about where I stand in the relationship: I’m a fallback position. She can find another.
Been there before, bought the t-shirt. And it didn’t fit. As always, of course, YMMV.
Well, she says she’s 95%, no 99% sure about us, but she has to tkae care of this first. Apparently she barely knows this other guy, but that lately, he’s been popping up in a way that makes her think that she needs to interact with him.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what she wants to do - with the vital condition that the OP doesn’t see anything wrong with it either.
It’s your relationship, and you and she (and no-one else) get to decide how you want it to go. If it’s unacceptable for you (and it seems to be), then what other answer do you need?
;)I know this sounds cheesy but: try explaining the same thing to her i.e. gee, I’ve been thinking the same thing about someone - how 'bout we both try it together - that way, if the other one does work out for either of you, at least the other is not alone! :smack:
Yikes. Doesn’t sound good to me.
Were I you, I’d probably say fine, but we’d have to break up in order to do it. Then, if we both wanted to later, we could get back together.
In other words, this isn’t something she can do and just assume you’ll be there for her if it doesn’t work out. She can’t be willing to risk breaking your heart if she’s not willing to risk breaking her own.
Daniel
Hey…she was honest with you. Give her that. You can choose to wait for her or to move on. Just be honest with her about your feelings and what you plan to do.
If by spending time with Other Person, she means hanging out, doing innocuous stuff, I would say it’s OK. It’s entirely possible that she finds him interesting and would like to be friends with him, but wants to make sure you’re OK with it.
If by spending time with Other Person, she means fooling around with (with or without Serious Horizontal Activities), I would say she’s not ready for a monogamous commitment. You live in the land of Polyamorous People (if you’re still in the Bay Area, that is - I know there’s a huge poly community there) and she may swing that way. If I were you, I’d examine my feelings about sharing my gf with other people (romantically), regardless of what physical aspects are there.
I, for one, couldn’t do it. I’m too selfish and I don’t like to share my significant others (and don’t want to jeopardize a LTR by “seeing what it might be like” with other people). I’ve been in difficult situations before, wherein I was attracted to people besides my SO while we were still long distance. There was one person in particular that I was really tempted to do other things with. But I didn’t, because I was happy with my SO and long distance relationships are built on trust (well, all relationships are, but LDRs die quickly without trust).
The thing is, it’s totally natural to be attracted to more than one person at the same time. However, once you make a commitment to a person (and there’s a monogamous understanding), IMHO you shouldn’t act on that attraction. I think what your GF is doing is trying to get through being attracted to someone besides you while you’re still in the bf/gf stage, before a really serious commitment takes place. If I were you, I’d sit her down and have a conversation with her, asking exactly what she intends to do/what her expectations are with this other person, and why she feels so strongly that she has to make sure about Other Person before she commits 100% to you. If she’s a poly person, it’s probably something you’ll want to know about before you commit seriously. I am good friends with both halves of a couple who are trying to work out their issues surrounding the fact that one of them is poly and the other one is not, and their relationship began before the poly person realized she needed to be poly. It hasn’t been easy for them.
Good luck with whatever happens!
cowgirl said:
I want to know if any Dopers have tried ‘getting something out’ in the early serious stages of a relationship, and what the results were.
mlerose!! So good to see your handle again. Compunding the problem is that this is also a LDR. She isn’t a poly, at least as far as I know, and her history hasn’t shown this.
Thanks all for the responses so far.
Dave - Love is a tricky business. It’s certainly not something to be trifled with. Your SO is attempting to trifle with it. Love is one of themost powerful emotion in the universe if you ask me. I teach a class called Marriage and Family it is a Psychology 202 class. In it we discuss all forms of the sanctitiy and/or institution of marriage.
Love is a quintessential part of long term relationships. Some people have open relationships where they can freely see other people. Others are content with being monogamous. Have you ever heard: They want to bake the cake and eat it too - sorry Dave but it sounds like your SO wants to do just this.
What about the situation your SO is purporting is OK by you? Is it Ok that she spend time with this other guy? Maybe see a movie, maybe go out to dinner…Can your SO go to his place and watch a movie cuddled up next to him? Why or why not?
Back to love. You clearly love your SO very much. I do not believe you would want to see anyone else at this time…right? Why not ask yourself why she DOES?
This relationship appears to be missing something…and that would be HER 50%. Why not agree to spend time appart…and not see each other for a while and see what happens…because if you don’t the road may lead somewhere you don’t want it to. It may lead to your SO getting something into her system…that being the love of another man. You do not need to be drug through that emotional mount everest.
You sound like a smart guy…why not step out of the situation for a bit and evaluate what happens…You may be surprised at the outcome.
Ok, so this is an LDR. How often do you guys see each other? Are there plans for one of you to move so it isn’t an LDR? Is it a serious enough relationship for you to want it to continue even with the stresses she seems to want to add? As I said before, LDRs are completely dependent on trust. Do you trust your GF? I still think you need a serious sit-down conversation (phone if you gotta) to figure out exactly what it is this girl feels she needs from this other person. The Superhero and I were in a 1000 mile LDR for a year and a half, and it was worth it to both of us to stay together and NOT see other people, but both of us spent a lot of time with friends (of both genders). He trusted me to keep my friendships platonic and I trusted him to do the same.
Also, if she does decide to get somewhat involved with this guy (with your OK), she’s not being fair to him, either. He gets his hopes up (or his rocks off) with someone else’s girlfriend. It sounds like a bad situation all around. If it were me (and remember it kind of was me in your GF’s situation), I would examine exactly what it was that interested me about Other Guy and whether it would be worth it to (possibly) hurt my bf and destroy the trust we’d built just to satisfy my curiosity. I decided it wasn’t. It is a good sign that she’s being honest with you, though. At least she’s not going behind your back.
I’ve never had that issue come up. Probably because I make it very clear at the beginning when things start to get serious, that any sort of other guy is a total dealbreaker with me. That’s really my only restriction to a relationship and I don’t feel that it’s an unfair one. My S.O. is free to hang out with her guyfriends but has no grey area about what will happen if she gets involved with one of them. We have enough trust in each other that we can tame the jealousy beasts enough to let us have platonic relationships without being suspiscious. That said, It sounds like your GF wants to play around with this other guy. If you aren’t sure what her intentions are, then ask her to tell you bluntly what she means. As far as I’m concerned, if she feels the “need” to get romantic with this guy, then deals’ off. She’s obviously too immature to be ready for a LTR with you. If it’s not this fellow then it’ll be another one farther down the road, and it will be even more painful.
mle- We see each other about every 6 weeks, for about a week or long weekend at a time. The plan has been that I would move out to Michigan sometime between the end of January and early March. I got a bit more specific with her, saying in December that I’d be there mid-Febraury. But now she’s finally able to enjoy not having a local relationship for the first time in years, and she wants more time to enjoy that. Part of that is this desire to see this other dude for whatever unknowable reason. But once I get there, preferbaly in late Feb/early March, she’ll be ready to be exclusive with me.
Dave, first of all reference my post above…second, please read this quote out loud…Able to enjoy not having a local relationship…Part of this desire to see this other dude for whatever unknowable reason…
The reason is she is attracted to him! Shouldn’t she be attracted to you!!!This relationship does is not brewing with a very healthy mark…I would end it before you get too involved…She is obviously not ready for the LTR. Furthermore, I’d probably not move out either…what if she desides to be with the other guy two weeks after you move in? Please! Stand up and look at the bigger picture. This would be the mature thing to do!
When you are posting something this personal and trying to get feed back-you know that something is not right. If you are in a LTR and you have to step out to get something out of your system-that is not commitment, that is a woman/man beating around the bush about what they really want. Time apart is understandable…time apart to be someone else…that is just going to be ugly. But maybe the two of you are the type can handle this sort of childish game…cheating/dishonesty(however you want to disguise it) is a world of pain. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark…
What’s that smell? Hmmm… oh, I know! It’s bullshit. She’s not with you everyday, being LD and everything, now is she? She “needs” to do this, eh? Well, you “need” to grow a pair and tell her this isn’t sitting with you very well. It isn’t like you’re smothering her by being around her every single day, she barely sees you as it is. She’s not committed to you, that’s obvious. Being the distrustful person that I am, how do you know she’s not been cheating on you the whole time? She could be seeing this guy while she’s seeing you, right now.
I’m not trying to make you paranoid but LDR’s suck. If she needs more “man time” and you can’t give it to her due to the distance, she could try and get it from another guy with or without your knowledge. If she needs to see others to figure out how she feels about you, to me, that’s a big sign that tells me she isn’t as committed as you are. You’re not her priority but that’s not a bad thing IF you don’t mind. IMHO, it doesn’t sound like you have doubts about being with her if she felt the same about you BUT she wants permission to mess around. Just because it’s not behind your back doesn’t make it hurt less. I can’t answer the OP because I don’t “need” to date others to know my SO is the best guy for me. I wish you good luck and hope she doesn’t break your heart.
It won’t work. Your relationship is over. This girl is playing you. She realizes you’re willing to bend for her in fear of losing her. She’ll keep manipulating you while all the time smiling and talking glowingly about how you’ve got an open relationship together. She’s really taking advantage of your insecurity. She might be telling you “Oh things will be better once you move up here permanently,” but she’s just telling you what you want to hear. That’s the mark of a good liar.
If you agree to this, you will secretly resent it later. It will tear you up inside. You won’t be able to forgive yourself for being such a patsy.
This happened to a friend. His wife got him convinced that in order to save their marriage, he had to allow her to sleep with other men. She then told him it’d be better to have her sleep with a friend than bring some stranger home. One time while I was visiting, she left the house so he could have a private conversation with me. He told me the above, asked me to be her lover-friend, and then proceeded to break down in tears. I said there was no way I could take away what little dignity he had left.
Needless to say, their marriage broke apart, and he’s still paying for it 14 years later.
Another friend made the same proposition to me, although it was more of a “I’m such a stud, I can let my wife screw other guys and still be number one to her” situation. It didn’t work out for them either.
Run. Do not walk. It won’t work. It never has and it never will.
She’s going to wait until you’ve turned your life upside-down and moved across the country and then she’ll be ready to be exclusive? Bad mojo. Habits like two-timing don’t change overnight. I hope you needn’t move across the country to find out whether she’s capable of turning over a new leaf.
The fact that she’s asking you for more time—to put off your move? Call me suspicious, but chances are she’s already seeing this guy and just isn’t ready to break it off with him yet.
Maybe I’m being harsh, but my advice is to cancel your plane tickets, wish them both happiness, and start drafting your Two-Timing Bitch! Pit thread. You know—just to get it out of your system.
I can’t believe the amount of insensitivity it must take to ask someone you love to sit on a shelf and expect that your relationship with that person won’t change based on the terrible hurt this must cause. I’m more apt to believe she’s made up her mind already, she’s trying to let you down easy and knows you won’t take this information well no matter what.
Be careful.