Dave - You may not know anyone on these boards personally, but let me tell you one thing, what they say is true…please, listen to what they have to say…it is sound advice. If you are young, take this as a learning period…if you are a man with little experience take this as knowledge…please…you may think she loves you…but then why is she asking to spend time with another man…it’s because she lacks the spine to say it’s over between you too…to be honest…you make the best boyfriend…one who will stay around while she messes around with someone else…if he hurts her…hey at least she’ll have you…right?
I’m sorry, but I have to agree with everyone else here. Her even asking you is a deal breaker. By all means let her go. Just make sure she knows its over and that she shouldn’t expect you to be there when she gets back. Maybe you can say “February…February…Uh…No, February isn’t good for me. How about…Um…Never???”
Side Note: My brother was engaged, just like you. And the girl lost 20 pounds and started to get some attention in bars. Suddenly, she wanted to see other people. He said fine, you can see them, but I won’t be waiting here for you when you get back. Two parties later, he met a Really cool woman who was pretty, but had a back-bone too. (She told me its because of her German ancestry).
Ten years, one marriage, and 3 kids later, he’s never been happier & has never looked back. Oh, and the one who played the field? She’s pushing 45, single, and man-starved in Manhattan. I’m sure she watches Sex In The City and fantasizes Sara Jessica Parker is her. Personally, I’m just glad she’s not in My family.
Thank you msLeo and everyone else for your words of warning and other advice. I truly appreciate it. But perhaps I laid out too much of the story in the OP. My real question remains- has anyone tried “getting something out of the system” in the early serious stages of a LTR, and how did it work out? (I realize some of you have related similar situations, and thanks for that).
I think the easiest way for you to resolve this question is to ask yourself “what would I tell my best friend if HE was in this situation?”
It’s amazing how much clearer it can make things. May sound very simplistic, but it is often all you need to do to get a slightly different perspective.
My advice would be along the lines of most replies here - don’t move yet, maybe step back from this relationship. If she wants to “try out” someone else, whatever the reason is, it signals that she’s not completely ready for the commitment that you require. The timing of it is NOT a coincidence.
Take care of yourself first please. Good luck.
S.
I was a sucker for this one, and again, and again–same gal, hoping she could get the next one out of her system. I eventually got tired of her putting me on hold every 6 months or so.
My feelings got hurt a lot, but I’m a better/wiser/more insightful man for it now. I’d say, “If you really love her, set her free. If she loves you she’ll come back…and then your new FAITHFUL wife can deck the bitch.”
If you think you need a character-building exercise, here is you next big opportunity.
ACK! Sorry, enough warning. Me? No. I’ve wondered about other people–who hasn’t? but once in a confirmed LTR I respected my partner enough to let it pass without action.
Great Dave, I can directly answer your question, because I was in the exact same situation, albeit from the other side. I was the one who realized that I needed to date more people before I could commit myself unreservedly to one person without doubt or regret. So, I broke up with my girlfriend, even though I knew she and I were fantastic together and that I could end up regretting that decision. Sure, I would have liked to live in some alternate universe where I could have kept dating her while getting the experience of dating other people, but it’s crazy to think that can work.
I dated a few other people, came to my senses and began wooing my ex-girlfriend. I was lucky, and she decided to give me another chance. Now she’s Mrs. Giraffe and we have a great relationship, even better than before now that my foolish doubts and curiosities have been laid to rest.
So it can work out, but in my opinion only if you break up with no guarantee of ever getting back together.
Hi, I’m cuauhtemoc. I supply background noise for selected threads at the Straight Dope Message Board.
I know I’m gonna be relatively alone in this, but I don’t think moral judgements are necessarily appropriate in this situation. Things which must be remembered:
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What’s good for the bull is good for the heifer. Double-standards are sure to bring deep resentment.
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Neither of you is under any - any - obligation to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you. If you can’t handle her messing around with another guy “just to get it out of her system”, you are well within your rights to say “If you do this, we can’t be together anymore”.
That means she has to decide which is more important to her - being in a relationship with you, or “getting this out of her system.” She may well feel that being kept from this sexual opportunity will hurt her in a way that will ultimately destroy her relationship with you. It sounds stupid, and it may be, but it’s not wrong if that’s the way she feels.
- Relationships end, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of people have been shouting “I knew a woman whose husband did that, and they’re not together anymore. That’s proof she was evil, and so is OP’s girlfriend!” No. Decisions will be made that will strengthen, weaken, and/or destroy every relationship. That doesn’t mean they were wrong decisions. Keeping a relationship alive should not trump every other consideration in a person’s life.
Bottom line, if I were in the OP’s situation, I think I’d say “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do. I may be here when you get back, or I may not. Obviously I love you, and I’d miss you if we had to go our separate ways, but I’d rather lose what we have than keep you from something you really need in your life, or damage myself by hanging on to this relationship if it turns poisonous to me.”
Good luck, Great Dave. Make the best decision for yourself, and don’t worry about what anybody else thinks.
In #3 above, that should be “That’s proof he was evil, and so is OP’s girlfriend.” Sorry if that was confusing.
Stong chance that you’re being manipulated…imo
So let me get this straight: she wants you to put in notice at your job now, and give up the place you’re living in now, and make plans to uproot your whole life to be with her now, but she doesn’t want to be exclusive with you now? She’s confident that she’ll have this guy out of her system once you move, but not confident that she doesn’t need him after all? Uh-huh.
Look, she’s either ready to commit to a purely exclusive serious relationship with you, or she isn’t. If she isn’t (and her “need” to “see” this guy indicates that she’s not), she has absolutely no way of knowing when she will be ready to commit. She thinks she’ll be ready in a month or so, but she doesn’t know that. If she knew, she wouldn’t need to see other people. See, the thing about short-term stuff is that a couple of weeks tends to turn into a month or two. Then a month or two turns into six months, and six months becomes a year, and a year becomes two, and before you know it, you’ve been waiting for ten years.
Uprooting your entire life is a pretty big deal, and as I understand it, there’s nothing for you out there but her. No big job opportunity, no family to be closer to, just her. And she wants to see other people for a while. Are you willing to let her see other people for the rest of your relationship? If you can do that and be happy, then I wish you every joy of your new life. If you can’t do that and be happy, you need to pull back and re-evaluate your plans. If you need something from a romantic relationship that she can’t give you right now, you don’t need to commit yourself right now. If you need something from a romantic relationship that she can’t ever give you (say you need exclusivity and she’s polyamorous), then you don’t need to commit yourself ever, because the two of you can’t be happy together long-term.
I’ve never been in the seeing other people situation, but I have had to decide whether to stay with my family and friends and the life I’d built for myself, or to be with my sweetie. There was nothing in the new place for me, really, except for him. No big job advancement (or even a guarantee of finding a job at all), nobody I knew, nothing I especially wanted to do, just the opportunity to be with him. I ultimately chose to go, since we were getting married. If we hadn’t been already engaged, I’m not at all sure I would have come. If he’d been wanting to see other women, I would have told him to have fun, and send me a postcard once he got settled.
All relationships end. Either one of you dies or you break up.
A virtual cookie for anyone who knows what movie that’s from
I’m just posting to say that cuauhtemoc’s post is nothing but pure, delicious wisdom from start to finish. I agree with every word, except for the part where you liken your girlfriend to a heifer – I wouldn’t do that, unless you’re in the name-calling phase of a breakup talk. But every other word is genius.
Yes. Exactly as has been described by almost everyone in this thread.
We were dating (exclusively). She “needed to see this other person”. She starting seeing him. Actually, I found out she was already “seeing him” and not telling me. We broke up. She married him. I married someone else (a few relationships later). She divorced him. I remain married to the someone else.
Dude - what she is “trying to get out of her system” is YOU.
By all means let her see other people. But do not wait for her, and do not make long-term plans of ANY sort until after you both decide that you want an exclusive commitment.
Free advice, and worth every penny.
Regards,
Shodan
Dave. Dude. Moving across the country to Michigan to be with a girl who doesn’t know if she can commit? I would say that isn’t the best idea. Unless you have an overwheming desire to move to a new place, have good job prospects, and could totally handle breaking up with this girl after completely uprooting yourself, I would say that this is a recipe for bad news.
You went to undergrad in Michigan, right? Would you be moving to a place where you already have friends and are familiar? or is this a different part of Michigan?
I think this girl has no idea what she wants. You guys have been together for a few months. She’s already mentioned marriage and kids. Yet she’s not sure enough about her feelings for you that she has to figure them out by dating someone else? If this were a local (non LDR) relationship, I would say, back off and say do what you gotta, but I may not still be here when you know how you feel.
But LDRs are different. She is expecting YOU to move across the country for HER, when SHE can’t even make up her mind whether she wants you there, let alone wants an exclusive relationship with you? This is just weird. I know it may feel like you’ve wasted a lot of time/money/energy (trust me, I know how much time/ money/energy LDRs take!), but really, it’s much better to break up now and find someone else then to haul everything to Michigan and break up with her then. I planned my move for a year, and my bf was apprehensive about me moving here, but it didn’t have anything to do with him wanting to fool around with other people.
If it were me in your situation, all talk of moving would be completely put on the back burner. Don’t spend any more time/ money going to Michigan. I wouldn’t trust this girl if I were you, and I think she’d have to prove herself trustworthy before I even considered moving again. You may be head over heels for this girl, but I bet there are lots of others who could make you feel equally (if not more) squishy.
As for having to get something out of the system, I can honestly say that’s never happened to me. Either it wasn’t serious enough to warrant exclusive dating in the first place, or both of us felt the same way about each other and neither one wanted someone else. I wish I could help with that question, but I really can’t.
This is a crappy situation, and I’m sorry. hug
Damn gerbils.
IMO, the label you are placing on your relationship is causing you some confusion. It isn’t an “early stage long-term relationship” because you haven’t had the “long term” part yet and may never have that part with this woman. What you have is an early stage relationship, even if you have already discussed marriage, etc. Believe it or not, a lot of people in new relationships discuss grand plans (it must be part of the euphoria or something). The key is to keep it in perspective and take your cues from the relationship itself - I’d say her being interested in someone else is a pretty big cue.
Maybe she’s already seeing this other guy. Maybe she’s trying to figure out a way to tell you not to move out there.
Plus, you say you’ve been in the relationship for a couple of months, and you see each other every 6 weeks. So you’ve seen her maybe 3-4 times? Don’t ruin your life for this chick.
I hate to say it, but I believe you mean screw.
I’d like to add another opinion. I’m in a long-term, long distance relationship right now. We started out as just a couple of really good friends who happened to enjoy messing around, and despite our best intentions we fell for one another. Then I moved away when I graduated (he was a class below me in college). I’ll be rejoining him in a year and a half, but til then we’ve got no plans to change the status of our open relationship.
We’re both terribly young (22), and even though I’m pretty sure he’s the guy I wanna spend my life with, I’ve still got some wild oats to get rid of. And so does he. Anybody remember that episode of Dream On where Martin Tupper’s ex-wife is having a midlife crisis about the fact that she’s only seen two penises in her life? We’re both trying to avoid that. And it’s working very, very well. Neither of us are the jealous type, and we’ve got a full-disclosure thing going on, so I know who he’s with (or pursuing) and he knows the same with me. It might not work for everybody, but we like it just fine. Just trying to muddy the waters a little more!