Sex/Relationship advice needed.. please...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I am unbelievably qualified to answer this question. I was in a very similar situation about a year and a half ago. I was with an amazing woman, and everything was perfect. Except that I’d only been in one long bad relationship before her, while she’d had lots of dating experience before me. Here’s what I learned:

  1. The open relationship won’t work. You can’t go backwards from exclusive to non-exclusive.

  2. This is a problem for you, and it will only get worse.

  3. You need to break up with your girlfriend, and force yourself to be courageous and pursue as many women as possible. You can break up with the understanding that you’d like to try getting back together in the future, but you can’t keep dating.

  4. It would be better to lose this great relationship than to poison it with doubts and/or cheating.

I followed this exact advice myself. I broke up with my amazing girlfriend and dated other people for six months or so. As soon as I’d had a good enough look around, I knew that she was all that I wanted, and managed to win her back. I was lucky – she took me back. We’re getting married next year, and now I’ll be able to be with her without reservations or doubt.

Even though I learned what everyone said I would – casual dating is a pale shadow of a loving relationship, you have to see it for yourself to kill the wondering. This is your life – you don’t want to live it feeling like you’ve missed out.

22

I like to think of myself as a fairly chauvanist guy, but I have to tell you here, I don’t think this will work out the way you want it to. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it - just be aware that what you want here is not likely to happen.

What this seems to boil down to is you wanting to have more new and exciting sex, but still keep your comfortable emotional security blanket relationship with your GF.

It can’t be done. I’m sorry, but you cannot have it both ways. And if you try, you will just fuck things up worse than if you just said to her: “I’m breaking it off. Bye.”

Again, I’m NOT saying that you should feel tied down or stay with her if you really want to go. What I’m saying here is that if you choose to go, do it honestly. Do not feed her any bullshit about “I’m just trying to get this out of my system.” You’re either willing to be faithful to her or you aren’t. If you are not, then don’t leave her hanging. Cut things off cleanly, leave her free to sleep with other guys if she wants. She has to do SOMETHING with her time while you’re out dicking around.

Think of it this way - what if SHE came up to you and said, “Honey, I think I want to sleep with some other guys, just to see what it’s like. But I think we should still keep our relationship, because, um… well we just should.”

How would you feel? Betrayed? Rejected? Like you weren’t giving her what she needed, and furthermore that she respected you so little she wanted to rub your nose in that fact? That’s what you’re doing to her.

No, if you must sleep with other people, you owe her to break it off completely. And if that hurts her, and makes her hate you, and makes it so that you lose a good relationship, that’s the price you have to pay. You can’t
have it both ways.

That’s my $.02, anyway.
-Ben

23

Screeme, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.

That being said, let me tell you, I understand where you’re coming from. I was a virgin when I got married (10 years this September) and although I love my husband with all my heart, it is (and has been lately) very hard to not wonder what else is out there. What I keep reminding myself is that sex in not the most important part of a relationship: it’s the frosting on the cake, but it’s the cake that’s the foundation.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with a great girl: keep it. Seeing others would cause problems.

My dad also fooled around on my mom, but I think the “sowing wild oats” thing is a big excuse. IMO, fooling around is simply a symptom of discontent in other areas of the marriage or relationship and it finds its expression in seeking out a solid physical comfort from another person.

Could you have more mind-blowing sex with someone else? Maybe. Probably. Is it worth the potential sacrifice of an already excellent relationship? No.