And I wasn’t asking for your sympathy, thanks anyway. I was merely polling and asking if others felt like they always initiated in their relationships. Read the title of the damn thread.
Gee…somebody had their cup of bitter this morning…
And I wasn’t asking for your sympathy, thanks anyway. I was merely polling and asking if others felt like they always initiated in their relationships. Read the title of the damn thread.
Gee…somebody had their cup of bitterness this morning…
Oops.
Get a copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage. You can even read the first chapter on Amazon. It’s a very good book for the low-libido and high-libido spouse to read.
I’m sorry, did I misunderstand you?
I seeee. . .so you’re just asking in a general way, out of curiosity, not because you’re looking for ammunition to use in this disagreement with your husband?
I’m not as nasty as I come across in some of my posts, but don’t insult my intelligence or kid yourself by showing a chicken and claiming it’s an egg. This thread is all about gaining support for your position. You all but said it outright yourself.
And we are not in the least bit in a disagreement so I need no ammo. We don’t operate like that. I merely told him I was going to post it here to find out if others felt the same way.
Yep…hard to believe, but I’m just asking out of curiosity. No hidden agendas. In fact, my dear and loving husband will be along shortly to concur with me I imagine…
The thread title was a question. “Do you feel like you are the one who has to initiate sex in your relationship?”
If you do not, then say that and move on. Not try to tell me my motivation in posting.
Fair enough?
I will check out the link to the book, thank you very much.
Aries, I couldn’t describe my situation any better than the way that you described your husband’s former wife.
We did go to a marriage counselor for a couple months our first year of marriage (we’re coming up on our third anniversary). After sessions of going back and forth, the marriage counselor said, in no uncertain terms, “Well, if you didn’t want sex so much, this wouldn’t be problem, now would it?”
Needless to say, that was our last session.
I’ll work through this. I didn’t mean to hijack the thread. I don’t want pity.
I don’t mind your “hijacking” in the least. 
How do you plan to work through it might I ask? Go without sex? That is not going to be a very fulfilling marriage.
Does your wife know how much this hurts you? Does it bother her? Is there some reason from her past that makes her not enjoy or want sex?
I really feel for you. I know how much my husband’s marriage suffered because of his ex’s lack of desire.
They had 3 children and she actually even commented to him on more than once, “I’ve got kids crawling all over me all day long. I don’t feel like having you do it once you come home.”
Yikes!!!
God, what kind of a therapist would say that to a client? Geez…
An appropriate business name for the thread subject 
I was the primary initiator, WAS married to a guy with zero sex drive. It was probably the primary reason our marriage ended – there were a lot of contributing factors, but the lack of physical contact (not just sex) was an issue I just couldn’t overcome.
Since he refused to get counseling, I couldn’t see any other solution, other than eliminating my (normal, healthy) libido.
Aforementioned husband checking in here.
As is usually the case in these scenarios, it’s a matter of miscommunication more than anything. I’ve ranted/asked for advice from Dopers in the past on issues such as this, and have gotten some excellent advice.
I tend to be an extremely solicitous person – too much so, in some cases. If the lovely and talented Aries28 comes home from work complaining of an upset stomach, or a headache, or just generally feeling tired, I make a mental note not to unlimber the trapeze and heat up the oil that night, because I don’t want to put her in the position of being forced to tell me “no” – or, worse, simply participating even though she doesn’t want to. However, I’ve learned that in many cases, she doesn’t mean “I feel so badly that all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep;” she’s just telling me how she feels at that moment.
I still don’t initiate as often as I should; generally, I’m up for a good romp in the hay almost anytime (although it’s difficult to explain to occasional guests why we have hay imbedded in our bedroom carpet and walls). I don’t want to impose on my wife, so I wait until I know she’s in the mood. I’m working on being more aggressive, though.
Rahr. (See? See? Aggressive as all get-out.)
Lizard, while I can see why you’d interpret the OP the way you did, I can assure you Aries28 has no ulterior motive here. We have no disagreement, just a communication issue we work through. In fact, we communicated so vigorously last night my abdominal muscles are still a bit sore.
blush Sorry about that. 
I usually do. In fact, probably 90%+ of the time. The other <10%, she walks up to me either nekkid or nearly so and asks me if I want to have sex.
I don’t mind either at all. I feel fairly comfortable asking her if she wants sex, and she’s a lot more comfortable saying no than she used to be (she felt she was being a “bad girlfriend/lover/whatever” by saying no).
Single person checking in here. A lot of my girlfriends report they have to be the initiator most of the time, for the same reasons Sauron used above. The guys are always up for it, and don’t want to constantly initiate and feel like a fiend, or that they’re imposing, or risk rejection so they just wait for her as it’s always a yes from them.
The issue they have with this is that they still want to be seduced, maybe not nightly but some of the time.
Good luck to all the guys trying to figure out when’s the right time to go all primal and chase us across the savannah and when to be Mr.Modern Sensitivity and quit bugging us.
auntie em wants what you’re having…
Or I want her to have what you’re having. Is that so wrong?
Dude, all you have to do is give me three days of swimming, sun, sleep, and breakfast . . . are pharmaceuticals really necessary?
Sauron
What would be so bad with her telling you ‘no’ every now and then?
Nothing at all would be so bad with it, Zebra; I just don’t want her to have to do that if I can help it. Unfortunately, in my attempts to be thoughtful, I’ve gone too far on the other side, so now I’m trying to rectify that.
We’ve had one experience where my lovely wife admitted later she had no urge whatsoever to bump uglies; she just did it because I asked. Well, I never want her to feel that she has to do anything “just because I ask.” If she doesn’t want to, no worries. I’d rather be told “Honey, not tonight/today/on the highway/while my parents are here/on the lawn” than have her just go along for the ride out of a sense of obligation. I’ve had that happen (on a regular basis) in a relationship before, and I never want to live through it again.
As long as Aries28 can tell me “no” without pointing and laughing, I’m fine with it.
No, but they are quicker. Especially if it’s a rainy week. Or winter.
A little off topic but…
My ex reached orgasm quite easily (or was it my extraordinary skill…he, he…legend in my own mind…he, he) but all she ever let out was wimpy little moans and some hip movement. Girl I’m dating now I’m afraid my neighbors next door might hear her (and she loves it on top to-boot!). Why such a big disparity?
Back on topic…
My ex vary rarely initiated for 17 yrs. Then only in the early mornings which was her time of day but not mine. I grew to really resent it. She also knew I absolutely loved it when she dressed up in her low-cut mini skirt, white demi-bra, and white thongs but would NEVER DO IT, even if I begged. This girl had a body most girls could only dream about too. She also was quite aware how horny her skin-tight, camel-toe revealing, spandex aerobics shorts made me on but would never wear them for me for sex. O.K. I’m starting to get warm and tingly you-know- where so I’d better sign off.