My lady friend and I have encountered one communication problem fairly often in almost two years we have been together. We have spoken about it and as far as we can figure out:
She: gets an idea, begins talking about it, considers pros and cons, ruminates about it, imagines pusuing the idea, considers alternatives, reconsiders costs/benefits/schedules, ruminates some more, decides on whether to go ahead with the idea; if the decision is to go ahead: ranks its priority with competing goals, makes detailed plans.
I: get an idea, consider pros and cons, ruminate about it, imagine pusuing the idea, consider alternatives, reconsider costs/benefits/schedules, ruminate some more, decide on whether to go ahead with the idea; if the decision is to go ahead: rank its priority with competing goals, begin talking about it, make detailed plans.
So, when she first suggests e.g. a destination for our next vacation, it’s a mere idea to her, but I take it as what it’d be if I suggested it: a considered decision, and, being the first thing out of her mouth, also her first priority. So, if I like the idea too, I agree and think we have an agreement when she thinks we have just exchanged vague views. (I regret to say I have sometimes waxed all moralistic about her ‘going back on her word’ after having long been looking forward to what I thought were our plans for vacations etc., and being bitterly disappointed.). She’s a very moral and responsible person BTW but this has made her mistake her for a liar on occasion.
When it’s me suggesting something, what I suggest first is something I have considered for long, and my first priority, i.e. in important matters it’s my heart’s desire - and she treats it like what it’d be with her, just an idea, and casually shoots it down. Or, if she agrees, takes my not mentioning it further as my having abandoned the idea, when I think we have agreed so nothing further needs be said.
I wonder if it’s a Venus/Mars issue and the la donna è mobile stereotype of the fickle female has been partly caused by such miscommunication.
Our personalites will not change much anymore (we are 104 years old between us), so we’ll have to use our ability to communicate about communicating to deal with this.
Have you encountered this issue, and how do you deal with it?