My SO: What path should we take?
Me: I think… Her: The lower, graveled path?
Me: Why don’t we… Her: Or the climbing road - looks strenuous
Me: We should… Her: Well, what do you think?
Me: I’d prefer… Her: Let’s take the upper road, then.
Me: ::shrug::
Later:
Her: You are in a bad mood.
Me: Yes. I wanted to take the lower path. Her: Why didn’t you say so? You did not finish what you said - how was I to know
Me: I could not finish - you always cut me off Her: No, you just stopped talking, for no reason.
We have such misunderstandings from time to time. She cuts me off in midsentence but is honestly unaware of it - she also does really listen to what I said (or she would not have noticed that the sentence was incomplete), but honestly does not notice that my stopping speaking coincides in time with her starting to speak - in her perception I stop in midsentence for no reason.
What’s happening here, and how can I handle this in a more productive way? My SO communicates really well, having decades of experience as a nurse with a lot of old and mentally handicapped people. We do metacommunication pretty well, it’s just this curious phenomenon where the timing of our conversation is at cross purposes.
From the example you give, it sounds like you might be coming across as a bit hemmy and hawy. If you had time to spit out “I think…” or “why don’t we
…” or “I’d prefer…”, you could also just say, “The lower one.”
It does sound frustrating that she keeps talking without letting you finish, for sure. But if you answer quickly and definitively you will get your opinion out there. And if you can’t, then interrupt. Seriously, this isn’t your boss or the Queen, just spit it out: “Hold on, lemme answer.”. My husband and I have been on both sides of this issue with each other and our standard is “Let me speak!” but that is sort of an inside joke bred over years so is not taken as being as rude as it sounds. Sit down and talk about the issue, and come up with a quick statement that you both feel good about that will be clear to her that you don’t feel like you’re getting a chance to reply: “My turn”, “Excuse me”, or “Whoa Nelly” or whatever.
But whatever you do, please, please stop sulking. If you are in a clear bad mood over the issue later, you should have done whatever it took to say your piece long before she has to ask you why you’re pissed.
Agreed. Don’t sulk, for god’s sake – speak up! Instead of shrugging at the end of the conversation, say, “The lower one” or “Hey, quit interrupting me! I think the lower one is better because…” or whatever. And then tell her that she’s interrupting you and it’s driving you nuts and could she please let you finish a sentence for once in your goddamned life ARGH :mad:
Okay, don’t do that. But she may not be aware that she’s interrupting you so much, or she may need a reminder when she’s doing it in a particular instance, and keeping your mouth shut and stewing in silence isn’t do anybody any good. Put a hand up if you have to.
Or just stop and wait for her to finish. When she starts off on the lower path, and noticed you haven’t followed, when she asks you then you can tell her “I was waiting for a chance to give my opinion.”
Don’t sulk like a child and wait for her to notice; that doesn’t help matters.
Too late to edit, but I remember your post about not being able to get the attention of waitstaff, too. This really sounds to me like you need to be more assertive, and in fact, I hope it doesn’t upset you that it makes me think your girlfriend might not be even part of the issue here, since you seem to have this exact problem with pretty much everyone. I know it can be a confusing line between being assertive and being rude, and I think that’s what you are worried about. From these two posts, it seems that to you interrupting is the height of rudeness. And it can be, sure, but there are many situations in which it’s ok, and I think you would be a lot happier if you figured out when and how you can interrupt people.
Watch other people interacting, in real life and on tv, and notice that they frequently speak over each other and while of course sometimes it is rude and annoying, there are many, many other times where it is perfectly natural and fine, even more efficient. Certainly both of your posts are examples of when just opening your mouth and letting the words come out, despite the fact that someone else is talking, makes for more effective communication, rather than the unpleasant ending you find doing it your “polite” way.
Think about it: your food goes back to the kitchen, everyone is uncomfortable, quite a bit of the waiter’s time wasted, and your food, when you get it, is probably cold. Your girlfriend doesn’t get any input on the path to take, you feel resentful, AND you bicker later. Would being rude (in your mind) by interrupting them result in worse outcomes than these?
Be assertive. From Elret’s post, I looked up your post on waiter issues, and it’s clear the problem is an inability to assert yourself. You feel you would have to be inconsiderate, rude, or break the “rules” in order to get yourself heard. It is not inconsiderate or rude or breaking a rule to say:
Stop. I’d prefer if we take the low path instead.
I ordered the soup, thank you
(while standing at the register) Excuse me, I will need to pay my bill, I have a movie to get to.
You have to convince yourself that you are important, your needs are important, and if they are not met, you must be heard. It can also be MORE rude to allow your needs to go unmet, and be angry with your SO, or let the waiter waste their time with unused soup, or wait until closing time to pay your check.
I’m going to have to agree with the majority here; if you don’t get what you want, and you didn’t speak up and ASK for what you wanted, you don’t get to get mad because you didn’t get what you wanted.
It is rude of your girlfriend to cut you off mid-sentence like that, but you can help her to realize when she’s doing it by highlighting it for her - “See what you just did there? I was about to say the lower path when you cut me off.” Or you can say something like, “Hold on! Slow down! Let me finish my sentence…” Hopefully if you point it out to her a couple of times, she’ll become more aware of when she’s doing it.
I agree with the others here that you need to be more assertive, which is not the same as being rude or aggressive. Go ahead and state your opinion, rather than just shrugging it off when you can’t make yourself heard, and do let her know when she’s cutting you off.
Also, I’ll recommend what I did when I worked with someone who had exactly the same problem. She would start talking over me, seemingly without realizing it, and I would just stop talking and let her take over. It led to a lot of situations like you described, and was very frustrating. Finally, I started to just continue to talk and finish my thought even after she’d begun to interrupt. It felt a little combative at first, but she didn’t take it that way. And it generally worked; she’d stop, and let me finish. For example:
It never did break her of the habit, unfortunately. She’d still interrupt all the time, but at least I could deal with it when it happened.
Instead of “shrug” and silence,
Me: Stop. You just came to a decision without listening to me or even hearing what I had to say. I need you to slow down and actually talk to me.
What’s happening is that you made a decision that you’d rather be in a bad mood than say clearly and unequivocally what you want. You had a chance to say what you wanted, but you decided to shrug instead.
Was she cutting you off mid-sentence? Or were you lingering after the introductory words before you actually began expressing your opinion/desire? Possibly a bit of both? Bottom line is that it doesn’t matter; you have the capacity to effect change here. Instead of shrugging and going along with whatever course of action she decided on, point out to her what’s happening and express your preference. Everybody will be happier if you choose:
A) “Hold on, I haven’t said anything yet; I think I want to take the lower path.”
instead of
B) <shrugging and descending into pissy mood for remainder of day>
My wife and I go through this sometimes, except the roles are reversed: I’m the brash one, and she’s the unassertive one who ends up sulky for the rest of the day. I want to be a good husband and meet her needs and wants, but sometimes I’m unaware of what those are and I need her to speak up. If your SO is a decent person then she also wants to to accomodate your wants/needs. You can help by making a little extra effort to inform her of those wants and needs. You will be happier because you’ll get what you want (or at least a compromise you both can live with), and she’ll be happier because she’s not dealing with a partner who is in a bad mood.
I went through a similar thing with my SO and his family. When it came to doing something like picking a movie or a restaurant, there was an awful lot of hemming and hawing. I was more interested in someone just making a decision, so I started just making the decision myself:
Me: “What movie should we see?”
SO et al:* Pause, pause, pause. Meaningless discussion that gets us nowhere*.
Me: “Okay, let’s all go see Happy Potter. Into the car with you all, I’m driving!”
This went on for a couple of weeks before my SO finally called me out on it. I totally thought I was being a huge help, because it seemed like no one was interested in making the call – everyone always wants to do what everyone else wants to do, and in the end, no one gets what they want – so I figured at least I can get what I want out of it.
But, it turns out, not so much. They’d rather hem and haw. So I backed down, and now try only to press my opinion when I really have one, not just make a decision for them.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is – maybe your SO is trying to make up for your lack of decisiveness. In the situation you described above, it sounds like she just wanted your input in picking a path, and in her mind, it was probably a snap decision kind of thing. She may have cut you off because she knew it would take you a long time to decide which path you wanted, and she just wanted to keep on riding.
Pardon my interpretation if this isn’t the case. But please do tell her immediately when she’s interrupting you – I often interrupt people and am trying my hardest to curb that, so it would be helpful to hear my SO say something when I’m actually doing it. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship, and it’s nice that you’re trying to figure out a way to improve it.
My parents were from very different communication cultures. He: Quick to think, talk, assert (New Hampshire) She: Slow to speak, assert, complete a thought, decide (Georgia)
It was fifteen years of torture before they finally called it quits. Neither was willing to meet in the middle, or even to make the effort of identifying the problem, so you’re way ahead of them there.
But I’m not sure I agree it’s entirely your problem. She may be frustrated by your slow decision-making and lack of assertive statements. But a person who really loves you and wants to take your opinion into account would know you well enough and care about your opinion enough to wait and hear what you had to say.
Waiters and other strangers do not have this onus upon them however, and so I do think an assertiveness training would change your whole life for the better. You need to have a hard think though about whether consideration and patience are not more important in a mate for you. One should be able to remain in one’s comfort zone with a spouse, after all.
My family does this - hem and haw all the time. One day I will snap and kill them all.
“Would you like some tea?”
“Only if you’re going to have some.”
“I could make some if you like.”
“If you were going to anyway…”
“Oh, but only if you wanted it.”
on and on ad nauseum!
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MAKE THE GODDAMN TEA! I usually chime in and say “I would love some tea” just to short-circuit the back and forth.