If you think the problem is that she cuts you off put the most pertinent information at the front of the sentence, so instead of:
Her: Which path should we take? You: Well, I think we should Her: The high one it is then!
you would say:
Her: Which path should we take? You: The low one because Her: Low one it is then!
This way you are being heard dispite her cutting you off mid-sentence. If you think the problem is that you just aren’t very assertive and she is making decisions because she doesn’t think you will ever decide one way or the other which you’d prefer then let her know you are thinking it through and would like a minute to decide.
Her: Which path should we take? You: Oh, good question! Give me a moment to choose the best one!
Agree on a simple, nonoffensive hand gesture. Use it to signal her when she’s running roughshod over you in conversation. Hold the gesture until you’re done speaking, then lower your hand to signal you’re done and it’s her turn to speak.
If it doesn’t happen often, she probably doesn’t notice it. I have always been a fast talker, especially when I’m nervous. In speech classes I was always marked off for pacing; put the old me in a conversation with a southerner and they’d tell me to slow down before we’d exchanged a full paragraph. For years I would complete slow-talker’s sentences and not realize how obnoxious it was (especially when I was wrong, but still even when I was right). Only since taking a call-center job have I gotten the feedback I needed to make the message sink in, though.
I have a habit of doing this to my Dad* and when I do it he’ll stare daggers and me and when I stop talking to figure out why he’s doing it he’ll say in a very snotty voice “Can I finish now?”
Now, his exact method sort of makes the person he does it to feel sort of crappy, but it get’s the point across, but there are nicer ways. If she really truly doesn’t realize it, here’s my suggestion:
My SO: What path should we take?
Me: I think…
Her: The lower, graveled path?
Me: Why don’t we…
Her: Or the climbing road - looks strenuous
Me: Just, stop for a second so I can talk…
That should jar her for a second so you can talk and hopefully she’ll realize that she’s been interrupting you. Now, I wouldn’t suggest you do this in a brand new relationship where she’s going to finish up the date and not call you again. But in an established relationship that can withstand a few minutes of hurt feelings in order to pave the way for better communication, I think it’ll get the point across.
Everyone is going to suggest something slightly different and ultimately the best one is going to have to do with the dynamic of your relationship.
*While talking about this with him one day, both my sisters said, almost at the same time, to him “Well, you do have a habit of stopping mid-thought like you’re done talking” to my dad which is why he tends to get interrupted so often.
I used to have this problem with my wife, I … sometimes pause … as I consider if what I am going to say… is the best thing or if there is…perhaps a better way to say it…or sometimes my brain is trying to catch up with my mouth…as I process new info.
the above is probably about one of the best ways there is to handle it at least short term.
Mops, from these two stories, you seem to have a significant issue with speaking up and asserting yourself. This, as you’ve noticed, causes a lot of problems in your relationships and interactions with people, and they’re fixable problems. There is nothing wrong with speaking up in situations like this. You are not violating any social or moral laws by saying, “Excuse me, that’s my soup,” or “Excuse me, I’d like the check please,” or “Excuse me, I haven’t finished my sentence.”
You could try therapy to address whatever internal issue is causing your inhibition in situations like these. Or you could also enlist the help of your girlfriend/a good friend/a family member to assist you – find someone you trust, tell them you have a problem asserting yourself, and ask them to let you know when you’re keeping quiet when you should be speaking up. They could help you by backing you up – e.g., you: [raise your hand at a restaurant] “Excuse me, I’d like the check please” / your friend: [raises his/her hand too]. Or whatever. That way, you’d feel like you had some support while doing something a little nerve-wracking for you.
Have a talk with your girlfriend and let her know that you have problems speaking up. You don’t have to say anything about her tendency to interrupt and make decisions without you – keep it focused on yourself. “Listen, I’ve been thinking about some of my bad habits, and I realized I tend to have a hard time asserting myself in many situations. [Give examples]. I was wondering if you’d be willing to help me with this – maybe we could work out a code for when I’m feeling like I’m not getting a chance to speak…”
It could also be that your girlfriend is the kind of person who’s very comfortable thinking out loud and making decisions out loud, while you need a moment or two to think things over silently to yourself. Let her know that so that the two of you can work on a system of decision-making that’s compatible for the both of you.
Edit: Also, this –
– is true. Getting angry and frustrated and passive-aggressive with people is much worse than saying a simple “I think we should take the low road” in the right moment. That is actually causing problems, rather than avoiding whatever problems you (probably unconciously) think you’d cause if you said something simple in the moment. Think of it like that – by speaking up at the appropriate time, you are actually helping people (and yourself) rather than hurting/offending them.
I suspect that you and she have different communication styles, in the sense that you were raised to wait for the other person to finish speaking before you say something, while she was raised with a conversational style in which conversation partners overlap each other to show they’re engaged and to avoid “dead air.”
ALSO (sorry – I used to have this problem myself, so I feel compelled to give you all the advice that helped me! And I’m still not as assertive as I should be, but I’m working on it)… if you’re polite and friendly, reasonable people are not going to be put out by your requests.
Here’s an example. One time when I was younger, I was visiting my grandfather. He and I didn’t have a close relationship because we didn’t see each other more than once every five years, so he felt kind of like a stranger to me even though he was always nice to me. On this visit, I started getting thirsty and I wanted to ask him if I could have a drink, but I was too shy. I sat there thirsty for maybe a half-hour until I realized, only a crazy person would get upset if I politely asked if I could have a glass of water, and my grandfather wasn’t crazy as far as I could tell. And then I felt comfortable asking for the water.
I mean, honestly, who responds to, “Excuse me, when you have a moment, would I be able to get the check, please?” with, “Uh…NO. GOD!” Waiters want to get paid, and they want you to leave the table so that new customers can pay them again. You’re doing them a favor by requesting the check and leaving promptly. And it’s their job to give you your check when you ask for it. This is a very routine transaction that they are totally comfortable with, and you’re not doing anything out of the ordinary by speaking up in that moment.
In situations like the one with your girlfriend, it’s not quite so simple because you’re in an intimate relationship and she brings her own issues to the relationship, too. But still – if she’s a reasonable person, she’s going to be open to helping you (or allowing you to help yourself) work on this issue of yours. So you’ve got nothing to lose by telling her about it and working on being more assertive with her. If she flips out on you when you say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t finish my sentence. I’d like to take the low road,” then girlfriend is crazy and you should get rid of her.
My husband speaks with a lot of pauses; he has the habit of collecting his thoughts before starting to talk. I’m more of a yapper. I learned to wait through his pauses and it’s slowed down the false urgency that used to characterize my conversations when I was previously married to a yapper. Now I really hate it when people talk overtop of each other; it seems to me that no one is listening, except to the sound of his/her own voice!
My wife will sometimes start a sentence and then simply… stop. I’ve tried a number of approaches to this phenomenon… prompting her by repeating the beginning of the sentence, finishing the end of the sentence with my best guess, finishing it with an absurdity (“You remember last year when the lawn…” …pause…pause… Me: “…started disgorging mutant larval creatures? Yes. Wasn’t that the same time some neighbor pets went missing?”) and simply waiting it out.
No tactic is completely effective. Sometimes the waiting it out works; other time,s the sentence just dies on the vine, uncompleted. Usually the absurd conclusion technique gets her to correct me, but at the cost of a rolleyes or smack.
WTF? None of the suggestions so far deal with the fact that she is rudely interrupting the OP mid-sentence!
The OP should just stand, stop speaking, and when the penny finally drops and she wonders why he’s just standing there silently, he can tell her “Please don’t interrupt me if you want my opinion.”
That does, BTW, require that the OP assert himself, and stick up for himself.
Sorry, I seem to remember similar sentiments voiced in other threads that I started. Another communication style thing, I guess - I read everything but only post when there is something that needs responding to.
My lady friend (not a girlfriend - we top a century between us ) have talked about this occasionally - she says I sometimes make pauses of several seconds, and sometimes I raise my hand like in school to indicate that I’d like to say something; usually we collapse in laughter after that because both of us have been caught out in our weakness.
(but now the restaurant staff is pointedly tidying up. Better to go home. Perhaps I’ll post again tomorrow)
Our own take when Mom does that (and she does it all the time except for half an hour or so after this):
[interruptions, interruptions, interruptions…]
Wait until she shuts up for a few seconds. Long enough to see that she’s actually DONE. Say “you know, Mom, I just love it when you let me answer your questions.”
She gets mad, but the next two or three times she asks a question she actually shuts up long enough to get an answer. I’ve heard Middlebro (the one who has kids) say “you know, Mom, I can’t understand you when you grunt, try vocalizing” once she was huffing and puffing her indignation.
I don’t mind it when it’s something like this:
Mom: So what’s that job offer about?
Me: It’s for Thiscompany at thei
Mom: Thiscompany? Are they [in correct sector]?
Me: Yes, it’s at their HQ and I’l
Mom: Their HQ? Will you have to go in disguise*? (“woolly sheep disguise” = suit)
I mean, at least those interruptions are relevant. What I hate is when it’s like this:
Mom: What do you think about the proposed changes to the abortion law?
Me: I think it’
Mom: Isn’t it horrible that [her opinion, which can go on for several minutes]
Me: Actually, I reckon it would
Mom: And of course [story of my Idiot Great-Aunt’s abortions and of every miscarriage in the family that Mom knows of, going back several generations]
Me: Mom, just between you and me, is there any reason you asked for my opinion? I mean, since you don’t seem to care to hear it.
If someone keeps interrupting, don’t just try to cram your answers into the meagre space they give you - change the subject. The new subject of conversation is interruption - and once that conversation is resolved, the previous one can resume.
I have tried this, but with at least three interlocutors (my SO, my current and a former boss) with whom I have explicitly talked about this there is a difference in perception that baffles me: they are honestly unaware that they are cutting me off midword.
As far as I can reconstruct both sides’ perception is as follows (my words rendered in italics, the other party’s in boldface). The sentence I want to say in the example is “I’d like to do it differently - let’s document the pinout on the actual connector.”
As I perceive it
I’d like to do it differently - let’s first doAcubout the problem with customers connecting their wiring incorrectly, any suggestions?
As the other party perceives it
I’d like to do it differently - let’s first docu ::stops talking for no apparent reason:: About the problem with customers connecting their wiring incorrectly, any suggestions?
The way I’d handle it is kind of rude, but I’d interrupt right back, “As I was trying to say, we should document the pinout on the actual connector” raising my voice as necessary. Rude, I know, but I hate to be interrupted.
WAG: Are these three people the type who “think out loud”?
If you were saying “I’d like to do it differently - let’s document the pinout on the actual connector” to me, I might well begin thinking of a possible response to what you were saying, or of something else semi-related that I wanted to say, before you’d finished your sentence—while, at the same time, paying attention (I hope!) to the rest of what you were saying. But if I were the type of person (which I’m not!) who thinks by speaking rather than thinking before speaking, or who doesn’t have much of a filter between brain and mouth, that thinking I was doing might well come out in the form of an interruption without me making a conscious decision to talk over you.
I don’t want to be a pain, but I’d like to reiterate my earlier suggestion: don’t wait for them to finish, or point out that they’re interrupting, or whatever - just keep talking. As I said, I had a coworker who, just like the people you describe, seemed completely unaware that she was interrupting me.
My theory is that people who do this don’t actually think that you stop talking first, and then they begin talking. I think they are simply used to a faster, more boisterous conversational style where interrupting is an acceptable way to take the floor. In this kind of conversation, if you get interrupted but have more or less finished your thought, you just stop talking. If you haven’t, you keep talking until the interrupter stops and listens again. These interruptions don’t really register with either speaker; they just feel like natural back-and-forth. So when someone who does this says, “But you stopped talking!”, I think what they really mean is, “But you didn’t stop me from talking!”
So with my coworker, I would just continue talking, sometimes a *little *louder but never shouting, and it worked like this:
Seriously, try it. If you’re used to taking turns in a conversation, it might feel really uncomfortable and rude at first, but it’s the most effective way of handling the situation I’ve found.
How long does it take for you to respond when she asks you a question? I have a friend who speaks…so…slowly…that sometimes we have absolutely no idea that he hasn’t finished a story because such a long pause goes by that someone else starts talking. Then he picks up the story after the other conversation has finished because he wasn’t done yet. Drives his wife nuts, and I’m sure it irritates him not getting to always finish his thoughts. But it’s genuinely difficult to tell sometimes that he wasn’t through speaking or didn’t just lose his train of thought.
Is there any possibility you’re giving off a similar impression? Some people just have a quicker response time than others, but it can make a difference in how their conversation is perceived. Maybe the time you take to think about your response is being mistaken for ambivalence.
) have talked about this occasionally - she says I sometimes make pauses of several seconds, and sometimes I raise my hand like in school to indicate that I’d like to say something; usually we collapse in laughter after that because both of us have been caught out in our weakness.