a troubling pattern with my SO (LONGish)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been dating this wonderful, kind, supportive, funny, smart woman for the last three years (I’ve known her literally since kindergarten, though we’ve been out of touch for periods lasting decades in the interim) and we’ve gotten along swimmingly since we’ve been dating. But she has one trait that is causing me to consider breaking up with her, and I thought I’d describe this trait here (though to me this issue is anything but Mundane or Pointless) to see if anyone has ideas I haven’t been considering.

Simply, she suffers from Convenient Amnesia.

Not a medical condition, it seems to be a behavior she’s learned to cope with criticism of any kind.

For example, if we have some mild argument, and are trying to rehash it to see what went wrong, I’ll say “Okay, when you said X…” and she cuts me off:

“I never said X.”

Me: “You didn’t? I thought I remember hearing X. That’s what the whole argument was about.”

Her: “Never. Didn’t say it, didn’t think it. Never happened.”

Me: “Well, this is tantamount to telling me that I’ve got hearing problems or something but okay,” and the discussion ends.

Until, often within the hour, she’s back to saying “X” again.

Me: “There! You just said ‘X’!”

Her: “Yeah? So what’s your point?”

Me (excited now): “What’s my fricking POINT?! Less than an hour ago you said you never thought or said ‘X’.”

Her: “When did I say that?”

ME: “Forty-five minutes ago! You were sitting on the couch, you had a class of Chardonnay in your left hand, ‘Jeopardy’ was on the TV, during a commercial, and YOU–SAID-X!”

Her: “You don’t have to yell at me. We obviously are remembering events differently.”

Me: “I’m sorry to yell, but this is very upsetting to me.”

Her: “Well, now, I’m angry at you for taking a nasty tone with me. Let’s drop it for a while.”

If we do drop it, of course we’re soon back to “I never said ‘X’. Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Now, “X” is often extremely trivial. Maybe it’s an issue like “Are there any crackers in the house?” or “When I got into the car, the gas tank was empty. I thought you were going to fill it,” or some such, where I’m raising an issue that could find her mildly at fault. Normally, I’m the kind of guy who copes with this kind of problem okay. If I hear “I know I said I’d fill the tank, but I was running late and I forgot this time” and I’ll just go, “Okay, but could you give me a heads-up in the future? I’d appreciate it.” And that’s it. But instead I’m getting something like, “I did fill the gas tank.”

“No, you didn’t. I think I’d know if there was gas in the car this morning. There was not. The needle was square on ‘E’.”

“Are you sure? I’m certain that I filled it.”

“How can you be certain, if I had to fill it myself? Do you need to see my gas station receipt dated this morning?”

“Don’t talk to me in that tone. Maybe I’m mixing this morning up with last week, maybe you’re misremembering the morning you filled the tank.”

“Here’s the receipt.”

“Okay, so I made the mistake. What are you so excited about?”

“I’m excited about the fact that we’re having this stupid, frutrating conversation because you were ‘certain’ about something that didn’t happen.”

“I said I made a mistake. Anyone could make that mistake. You don’t make mistakes?”

“Of course you could make a mistake. But what you can’t do is to say you’re ‘certain’ about something that never happened. That’s belligerent and provocative.”

“When did I say I was ‘certain’? I never said I was ‘certain.’”

“Two minutes ago! That’s what’s got me so riled up. Do you think I’m imagining that you said the word that I’m taking such exception to?”

“We’ll never know what I said or didn’t say, but I don’t get why you seem so mad at me. Let’s drop it.”

Other than this recurrent Convenient Amnesia, and the problems it implies (to me, anyway) that any criticism is so intolerable to her that she prefers creating a shitstorm to acknowledging being at fault in any way, she’s really a wonderful, generous, thoughtful caring person who (most of the time) I feel very tenderly about.

But I can’t take much more of this. I’m walking around some days, rehashing our trivial arguments in my head all day long, and it’s getting so I’m reluctant to say anything mildly critical, ever, for fear that a 30 second conversation will turn into one of these frustrating Amnesia-fests, so I find myself resenting being stifled.

I don’t really want out of this relationship, but I don’t feel very good about remaining in it, either.

Anyone have a take on this pattern that will help me cope any better? Thanks.

2

Dude. If there’s one thing that I learned about relationships, it’s to let the little things go. Welbywife does little things that are annoying but not earth shattering (think toilet paper, or lack thereof every time I have to pinch a loaf), and I do the same. If we spent time arguing about every little thing from who said there were crackers in the house to whether or not the gas tank was filled up our marriage would be dead.

For example, if she said she’d fill up the gas tank but didn’t, I won’t even mention it. What’s the point, in the grand scheme of things?

3

tape recorder my friend…

Not only does this shut her up… but it will really piss her off…

It was probably the best arguement I have ever had with my ex…

Her - “Shut Up I never said that”

Me - "really? listen to this… "

Her - “F you!! I can’t believe you taped me”

Me - “Well you are insane”

Her - “I am not insane”

Me - “I didn’t say you were insane”

Her - “yes you did… I jsut heard you”

me - “Prove it…”

hehe… ahhhh… good times…

It went on a while longer… and was quite fun…

4

I’m not sure about the selective amnesia. I myself can be very forgetful. It tends to center around upcoming activities that my wife arranges. She tends to plan things far out into the future, and I just don’t need that much planning.

How do I handle this? Smile and nod.

Otherwise, I agree with Welby. I figure that for every thing that she does that annoys me, I probably do two that annoy her.

5

It could be worse!

Max :slight_smile:

6

Assuming we’re not taking premature senile dementia here and she’s not congenitally insane, you have to satisfy yourself that it is an embedded (like the journalists in Iraq) behavioral trait she will have until the day she dies. Get over it, deal with it with or move on. Fussing about it will accomplish nothing and your chances of getting her to change this highly effective behavior (for her) are nil.

7

I see both sides too, like welby says.

But I don’t know… If it happened all the time in connection with errands or chores, it is something that would drive me crazy.

If it is happening this way, it sounds like there are two issues going on.

  1. You’re pulling your weight and she’s not.
  2. If you bring it up to her, she will merely claim to have forgotten.

Maybe you could try bringing this stuff up in a nicer way; it might stop her from feeling defensive and therefore stop the “forgetting.”

Or maybe you should just seek counseling. The counselor will notice when she “forgets” things she says in sessions.

If it’s happening as often as it sounds, she might have some mental issues going on… Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

8

Enipla–I forget things, too. This isn’t about forgetfulness, per se. it’s about owning one’s forgetfulness, and other trivial mistakes.

The way it works is, if her response is as I’ve described it, whereas my own response would have been “Oh, yeah, I did neglect to fill the gas tank as I’d promised you I do. Sorry,” after a while she turns on me with, “You’re making mistake after mistake around here, by your own admission, and this is intolerable. I don’t make mistakes like that, do I? The last five times somebody left the gas tank empty it was you, and I find this very inconsiderate,” and I’m in no position to point out that I’d simply “let go” the last dozen times that she forgot to fill the gas tank.

In other words, if one of us is cheerfully owning his trivial mistakes and the other is ferociously denying that such mistakes are even possible, then it pretty much becomes a relationship in which it’s understood that I’m a terrible screwup and she’s a saint for tolerating my chronic inconsiderate behvior. She resents being taken advantage of, and I resent not getting to voice the slightest of quibbles.

BTW, to head off this particular discussion, we each have our own car and rarely if ever get into actual “filling the gas tank” conversations. That was just an example.

9

I, too, am a forgetter. I’ve gotten to the point where I admit that I’m a forgetter. I use a number of tricks to improve my memory on these things: I leave myself voicemails at work and at home. I leave notes for myself. I ask my husband to call me and remind me (he never forgets ANYTHING…bastard).

Maybe if you leave messages and voicemails, then you can get past the “I didn’t know” phase…sort of to force her to own up to her problem (and I bet it really is a problem with her…I know it is with me). I’d hate to see an otherwise great relationship go up in smoke because of her mental deficiency. But I can certainly understand your frustration.

10

My SO doesn’t like to be called on mistakes. That’s all there is to it. I’ve recognized this and simply stopped calling him on mistakes, or calling the mistake in a non-blaming way. To me, this is a very minor thing that needs to be accepted, considering that all else in the relationship is rosy.

[quoye]Her: “Never. Didn’t say it, didn’t think it. Never happened.”
[/quote]

At this point I would offer that perhaps one of us is simply remembering incorrectly, and just leave it at that. Going any further is just pointless destructive bickering that will lead you both to Judge Judy.

11

I wish I could come up with a non-blaming way. I’m really not interesting in fixing blame, I’m interested in knowing what went wrong, no matter who’s at fault (believe me, I sometimes learn that it’s me who screwed up), but no matter how politely I ask, the wall of denial goes up more often than I can comprehend. Thanks for providing guidance–it’s helpful just to have your understanding.

12

That kind of lack of accountability would send me around the bend. I mean, she has to take some responsibility for what she says! Just because she forgets what she said doesn’t mean the words disappeared. Her choice to go into denial, every time, instead of being willing to say “Huh. I forgot I said that. I’m so sorry!” points to a big character flaw to me. The fact that these are small incidences makes them all the more troubling. Is her ego really so fragile that she cannot say sorry about forgetting what she said about crackers?

I think it is a big problem. I also think it’s fixable on her part, but she has to realize she is doing this and make a commitment to knock it off.

13

Wow. I’m totally in the minority here – but I’d call this shit “lying” and not be willing to put up with it. It’s actually a combination of lying and failing to take responsibility for her actions – and that’s something else I can’t handle.

YMMV – and probably will. I’m not exactly a model of loving tolerance, myself – but I can’t tolerate lying. Keep in mind that I’ve never been married, and, in fact, never had a relationship that’s lasted more than 3 years, and I can admit the possibility that my hard line on this may be a factor.

14

I do stuff like that for fun, just to mess around.

Me: The show’s on at 12 tonight.

Her: No, it’s on at 11.

Me: Right, that’s what I said.

Her: No, you said it was on at 12.

Me: It is.

Her: No it’s not, it’s on at 11.

Me: I know, that’s what I said.

Her: (hitting me) You’re such a jerk

Me: hahahaha

This way I never have to actually admit that I was wrong. Perhaps she’s doing the same thing, but not on purpose, more like subconsciously.

15

Ah, Cranky, yet more evidence that we are each other’s secret twin.:smiley:

16

Dump her and move on. She will not change. The fact that you feel compelled to not say anything about her controlling and abusive behavior is a big, big warning flag.
Misery and frustration are not the price you “must” pay for not being alone.

17

Get thee into couple councling.

Right now you are the bad guy because you are identifying the problem. If her probelm is defensiveness then that is going nowhere. What you need is a third party identifying the problem so you can be the good guy and help solve it. And don’t go in saying, “She is broken fix her.” Go in saying, “WE have a communications problem that we would like some help overcoming.”

18

I’ve probably be infuriated the whole time. Man, talk about internal torture.

No advice from me - I’m relationship clueless, I’ve discovered.

19

This portion of your post leads me to believe that in addition to your s/o being a forgetter you are a rememberer. The forgetter that I love does not forget the same types of things. He willl catch the beginning of a movie on cable and say, “Great! I haven’t seen this.” I cannot keep myself from saying “Yes you did. In fact we saw it with Todd and Janice and you were wearing the sweater your parents brought you from their trip to Ireland in 1995. You had Milk Duds.”

I’m not trying to say that you shouldn’t be upset by her Convenient Amnesia, just that it might be even more annoying to you if your memory is particularly keen. It would be mildly annoying if your memory of what had been said was a vague recollection. When your memory is essentially an unabridged recording of events it can be maddening.

Sorry. No real help to offer other than sympathy. I did find myself wondering as I read if you spend any amount of time with her family. There might be a clue there if she has a hyper critical parent or something. I do wish you all the best. Afterall, wonderful, kind, supportive, funny, smart women are not necessarily as common as one might hope.

20

My husband has a (medically acknowledged) short-term memory loss – but manages to conveniently forget this, too, on a regular basis. So I’ve learned to send him emails about important things I tell him about, so that later when he comes back and says, “You never said a WORD to me about that! How could you spend all that money on that???” or some such, I can just resend him the email. Okay, it’s not nice, but sometimes I don’t feel like getting yelled at for something I KNOW we’ve talked about, at length, already, and he’s already agreed to!

It’s really, really frustrating, I’ll grant you that. My job requires accurate short-term memory (court reporter), so I’m used to remembering the exact words someone has said, at least for the short-term. But short of using the tape-recorder trick – which I’ve been tempted to try – I find that he insists he said something entirely different, and in an entirely different tone of voice.

My kids agree: He doesn’t seem to grasp that being abrupt is usually viewed by the recipient of the abruptness as being rude. Or angry. And yet he’ll be outraged if we suggest this to him.

Also, he still also hasn’t learned: If he says something to me and I immediately burst into tears, HE PROBABLY WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE. Sometimes he realizes that it’s because he’s asshole, but most of the time he defends himself for several hours of mutual yelling before it finally sinks in.

And the final problem is that he also has a partial hearing loss. So sometimes he doesn’t hear me, and sometimes he doesn’t hear himself. He can INSIST he said something, with three witnesses in the room, and we can all agree that if he said it, he only heard it inside his own head because the volume wasn’t loud enough to be audible outside it. Maddening, to say the least. And since he also has the annoying habit of NOT RESPONDING when I speak to him, I never know if he’s heard me or not, so I have to repeat what I said, which gets me a snappy response about him having heard me the first time. A real You Can’t Win situation.

All said and done, however, at least we argue. Clamming up is Not Good. My first husband was a clammer-up. It finally killed our relationship; after a while, I felt like I’d be talking to a brick wall no matter WHAT I said. A little mutual confrontation isn’t necessarily bad for a relationship. Note the emphasis on mutual, however.

I suspect if my husband read this, he’d say I’m the one who can’t accept criticism and misinterprets everything. So I’m not saying I’m the perfect one in the relationship. But if you can’t hash it out, sooner or later it’s going to die altogether. Have you suggested counseling to her about this issue? Because if she’s this controlling already, in this incredibly manipulative way, it’s not going to get any better.