Screw her. Tell her she needs to get her act together, or you’re not interested. Now “X” is comprised of little things. At some point or another it will be a big one. She’s not straightforward with you. And that’s a load of crap.
Well, you aren’t going to be able to change her --people, short of life-endangering shocks, don’t change-- so you’ll have to decide whether you can live with it or not. But you really knew that already, right?
Is she good with money? Loving to children? Well-read? “Frisky” often? Perhaps these good aspects could counterbalance this one bad thing?
I’m amused by merge’s solution; but I notice he was speaking about his “ex”, which leads me to believe that although satisfying, his solution had, um, other drawbacks…
She says something in a conversation and a few minutes (seconds?) later she says she never said that? Well, IMHO a normal person doesn’t do that. She is a liar or she is insane. DON’T HAVE KIDS WITH HER!
This seems to be the heart of the problem. It’s not so much the forgetting, it’s her unwillingness to ever be at fault. My ex was like that. Drove me crazy. I would end up at the end of an argument apoligizing for no good reason. This is not going to get better without professional help, IMO. Good luck.
Dude, I am your SO, and so is my wife. And I’m you too, and so is my wife. Let me 'splain:
I have trouble remembering things that we have discussed, emotional things that are critical to our relationship. Completely forget them. But I can recall where we ate dinner and who was there several years ago. It’s just how our brains work, and we have gradually accepted it.
I can completely relate to her positive belief in something despite your recollection. The saying my mom has for my dad’s family is “Always Positive and Sometimes Correct” and I am guilty of that.
But my wife also will forget to do things that I have asked her to do - or that she needed to do. And that is all her brain.
I can’t really offer advice because in our situation, the memory for tasks was screwed up by childhood trauma and some sucky parenting. Either decide to never ask her to do things so that she can’t disappoint, or only ask her to do things that are important, and be sure she knows that and it has a deadline and consequences.
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As many others have said, choose your battles. Whether it matters that there are crackers in the house, or for that matter whether she said this or that 10 minutes ago doesn’t matter. Can you or she change the past? For that matter, why is it so important to you that she “own up to a mistake”, if it doesn’t truly affect your relationship?
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In therapy, one common piece of advice is if someone is lying to you, check to see if you are helping them to lie. Maybe, maybe not, but if you think someone is lying to you a lot, ask yourself what you would do if they were telling the truth. This segues into…
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What she is doing is a defense mechanism. So you are putting her on the defensive. It may be that she doesn’t make you defensive because she words things differently, or it may be that she grew up with a parent that required her to be perfect, or would attack her if she showed “weakness” by admitting to imperfection. Or it could be that you are attacking her, and she’s defending herself, even if she is “lying” to do so. Is this important? To some extent - if you want things to change, you will need to change how you interact with her, but if she was brought up poorly, you will need to work even harder to counteract the bad training she has recieved.
Please note, you have three choices - you can change the way you treat her, you can go into counseling, or you can give up on the relationship. You cannot change her, but if you change the way you treat her, she will react differently.
So here is where I see you can change
This is iffy - even in text it sounds slightly accusatory. How accusatory will depend on voice tone and body language. However, I would suggest something like “I needed to fill up the car this morning, did you notice that it was empty when you used it whenever?”. Note that “I thought you were going to fill it” sounds like “You did something wrong”, which may trigger defensive behavior.
Also iffy - are you starting with the thought that “she did wrong”? This is a destructively judgemental attitude in a relationship, especially when “the crime” is incidental to the relationship.
Well, you response is ok, but why does she have to “admit fault”? And why do you have to tell her how to deal with this - do you not have an agreement about how to deal with empty tanks already?
Ok, let me confess something. I have no time sense. I don’t remember whether I filled the tank with gas yesterday, or 3 weeks ago. Nor do I particularly remember what I did on the drive home day before yesterday (I was out sick yesterday 
) So if you asked me this, I might just remember the last time I filled it as happening very recently and say such a thing. It also took me a long time to realize that I had no time sense.
She has filled up that gas tank at least once in the past, right?
Any parent will tell you that “did not, did too” is the most annoying, least effective argument in the book. And you are telling her that her experience is wrong.
Besides, how do you know she didn’t? It could be that someone siphoned the tank overnight. Maybe that wasn’t likely in this case, but it has happened, and this is where I have seen a lot of arguments happen - that people are trying to force their perceptions on another person instead of trying to understand how both perceptions could be right.
OK, now you are getting snippy and defensive yourself. She didn’t accuse you of lying, she just told you her perception of reality. It doesn’t match yours. That doesn’t mean that either you or her is lying.
She’s just said the same thing to you that you said to her, and in a nicer manner. You are sticking to your perception of reality, why are you surprised that she is sticking to hers? Consider this - perception, especially of the passage of time, happens within the brain.
And you are attacking her at this point - I don’t blame her at all for being upset.
Where the fuck did that come from? Saying you are “certain” about something is belligerent and provacative? You were certain about your perception of what happened, why can’t she be certain about her perception? Or better yet, why can’t she be certain about something, even when her certainty was misplaced? What you are really saying is that she can’t have a mistaken perception, because you’ve made her mistake into an attack on you.
People aren’t computers. We aren’t precisely perfect and requiring someone to be perfectly right every time you talk to them is ridiculous.
You know what else? Everyone will say something one minute, and something completely different a few minutes later occasionally. And not be lying either time! It is because we are so freaking complex - we don’t remember every single thing that happens, aren’t aware of absolutely every thing that goes on, and a whole different section of the brain may be firing the second time around. And there are always unstated qualifications on everything we say - language is a gross representation of our thoughts and can never completely present those thoughts to others.
BTW, if I’ve covered something someone else has covered this afternoon, my apologies - it took me a couple of hours to write it and I am NOT going to not post it!
Zyada–(and everyone else so far) Thanks for the differing perspectives. Z.: Here is the nut of the problem for me–
you quoted me, correctly, as telling her:
“When I got into the car, the gas tank was empty. I thought you were going to fill it,”
to which you add,
“This is iffy - even in text it sounds slightly accusatory.”
I agree, it does sound “slightly accusatory.” I guess I mean it to be–the unstated assumption here is that she and I had made some sort of prior agreement that she would fill the tank. When I got in the car, and found the tank had not been filled. I felt annoyed, and later I decided that, rather than just let the inconvenience of unexpectedly having to fill the tank just pass without a word, I would express my annoyance as politely as I could manage.
I don’t get the point of letting everything pass unremarked on, I guess. I don’t see what’s wrong about saying, in some form, “You disappointed me this morning. I still love you totally, and I’m not angry at all, but I was disappointed in having to do a chore that I thought you’d agreed to do, and I hope you’ll try to fulfill your commitments better in the future, darling, because I was running late all morning and it did not feel good.”
But if I’m reading you right I should just dummy up in this situation. According to you, there is no point to revisiting why I was late all morning, I should just accept it as one of the vagaries of life, and not get bent out of shape. Is that right?
I’m thinking it’s so important to me to have her “admit to her mistake” so we can resolve things. If I’m angry that I had to do something that she had agreed to do, and I stop being angry when she acknowledges that, why is that so hard to get? It would sem to me that she should WANT to resolve things, and have me feel okay. It’s not as though when I can get her to say “I’m sorry” or some such, I gloat about it and call her names and scold her. No, on the contrary, that calms me down, and assures me that I haven’t unknowingly misperceived the situation. Where’s the downside for her?
I’ve got some questions, too, about why you don’t find any problem with her assertions of certainty about things that I can actually prove are not true, but I’ll ask them later, to stay focussd on the current subject.
As a sidenote, does anyone find any significance in the fact, not reported here so far, that she can’t remember movies, TV shows, etc. I’ve been mostly amused when we sit down to watch a rerun on TV that we just saw a month or so before, and I’m recognizing it from the opening shot as something I’ve seen, and she’s vehemently maintaining, “I never saw this” for half an hour and finally realizing that, oh yeah, I did see this one already. But for that half hour, she’s insisting that I’m very much mistaken. I’ve been thinking of that as just a strange, almost endearing, trait, but now it starts to take on significance. Am I making too much too much of it now in this context? It’s upsetting to lose the best relationship I’ve ever been in just because she has a bad memory, and is more defensive than suits me, but I feel I may be doing exactly that.
I would break it off with her.
Her lying to you like that is very disrespectful. If you know she’s lying, and she knows she 's lying, and she knows that you know she’s lying but she still lies anyway, then that means that she feels she can push you around and manipulate you.
It doesn’t even matter if its only about small stuff. Get the hell out of the relationship, it will only get worse.
I’m not saying you should dummy up about the situation at all. I’m saying that you should find a different way of communicating your anger so that you aren’t attacking her! You can do this.
And don’t get so freaking upset when what she says happened doesn’t match what you know to have happened! She is not necessarily lying to you! - "and assures me that I haven’t unknowingly misperceived the situation. " If you can recognize that you unknowingly mispercieve the situation, why can’t you recognize that she can do the same thing?
What you are trying to do is to reconcile your perceptions with hers. You are getting upset the minute her perception is different than yours, and you need to both get on the same page before you express your anger. You are getting so tied up in trying to force her to accept your POV, that you aren’t even able to get to the real problem. What I’m trying to say is that instead of trying to force her into admitting she didn’t fill up the car, guide her to it. Don’t use phrases like “You are wrong” or “You didn’t do it”. Use “I” phrases such as “I had to fill up the car this morning” and “That’s odd, because I have a receipt to prove it.”
I didn’t convey this too well. As you state it this way, this is something you need to do. But you are getting upset so quickly when she doesn’t agree with you that it seems like it’s also an issue unto itself.
This is just lovely - it is exactly what you would be trained to say in an effective communications class.
Now, if she then denies that she ever agreed to fill up the car, you do have a real problem. My ex-husband did something similar to me and it was one of the first major blows to our marriage.
You sound like a part of me, Hermann, when I’m in the middle of one of these arguments. Inside my head I’m vacillating between “WTF is going on here, this is so disrespectful” and “She isn’t doing this on purpose. Calm down, boy, you can straighten this mess out, this is no big deal , cut her a little slack, take a breath, step back and get some perspective.”
Both at once. Very confusing.
It’s like having you and Zyada each sitting on a shoulder, whispering advice into my ears.
BTW, folks, I spoke to a counselor today, who urged me to encourage her to come in for some sessions. He said, though, that if I wanted to keep the relationship, I’d have to remember to treat her always like I would treat my four-year old daughter if I caught her telling me a lie. “Why would I want to date a four-year-old?” I asked, and he said that “Everyone has a part of them that’s a frightened four-year-old who can’t stand to be confronted with their flaws. Most of us outgrow it. It sounds to me like she’s hanging on to that trauma, and she may well hang on to it for a while.” He’s met her before (we’ve had a couple of sessions, though not recently) and he thinks she’s a terrific person for me (and so do I, most of the time.) This sounds like a lot of unpleasant adjustment for me to make. So right now, I’m thinking Hermann is right. But i suspect that a few sessions are in my future.
While there’s always the possibility that she’s either outright manipulative or simply defensive, there’s also a very real chance that she could have a genuine medical condition that causes memory loss.
You don’t say how old she is, but I assume from the reference to knowing her for “decades” that she’s at least in her 30s, maybe even in her 40s. It’s entirely possible that she’s going through menopause, or, premature menopause.
There are other possible physiological causes of memory loss…
I see on preview that you’re seeing a therapist and that’s good. I’m glad, too, the he is recommending encouraging her to join you for some sessions. However, I would also give serious thought to encouraging her to see a medical doctor for a complete physical. I have no idea how long you’ve been seeing this therapist and how confident you are in their abilities, but (and I’m somewhat reluctant to say this because I don’t want to put you on the defensive), I have to admit that I’m a bit concerned that your therapist appears to be diagnosing someone he hasn’t even had any recent sessions with (“It sounds to me like she’s hanging on to that trauma, and she may well hang on to it for a while”). Him even suggesting a “diagnosis” after basically only hearing your side of the story and having met her only a couple of times, quite some time ago, strikes me as irresponsible. Especially given that you aren’t describing behaviours that are always strictly “personality” related, but could quite likely have physiological origins, as well. Just something to think about.
If she’s all the great things you describe otherwise, and you’re realizing that her memory loss manifests itself in ways that aren’t always related to “confrontations”, my recommendation to you at this point is to either suggest her seeing a medical doctor or have your therapist recommend it to her.
Best of luck to you. You obviously love her, so I hope it works out for you both.
I’m sorry, but this would annoy me beyond words. I don’t think she’s forgetful - I think she’s a manipulative, liar. It sounds like she knows what she can get away with - and apparently she has succeeded in silencing you! Urrgh. Get some therapy, but I do not consider this a pick your battles type situation. This woman is messing with your sanity!!!
I agree with Cranky on this one… or at least I thought I did until you mentioned that she also forgets TV shows she has seen only a couple of weeks ago.
Anyone can have “space cadet moments” – you know the ones, the “dammit, I had my keys right in my hand two seconds ago! Where the bloody hell are they??? I’m gonna be late.” Or… “did I turn off the stove?”
If someone has them pretty much only when faced with criticism, then I agree with Cranky – it’s an issue of dodging basic accountability. If she dodges responsibility for the small, trivial stuff, just you wait until something really big happens!
But if she’s forgetting episodes and movies she has seen less than a month ago and genuinely thinks “it’s new and fresh to me” then something might be a little more amiss. It’s not “convenient forgetting” when you get half-way through a show to realize you’ve wasted your time and already know the ending. No, not convenient at all. Something isn’t quite right there.
If your therpist is a good one, maybe he/she will be able to notice if there’s something going on other than run-of-the-mill brain cramps.