The following is not a rant. I am not angry. I’m simply very, very confused, and hurting, about a lot of things and I want to do this here for two reasons. First, I need to get it off my chest. Second, having it here and being able to read what I’ve done, and seeing responses will, I hope, better enable me to figure all this crap out. The following is a stream of consciousness about all the things that have been bugging me lately. The following is probably very, very long. Thus, away we go.
My SO lies to me. She lies about little things, things that really dont matter, but it bugs me anyway. We were on the phone the other day and I heard a tapping noise like a typewriter, so I asked her what it was. She said she hadnt heard it. This continued like this for some 10-15 minutes, by the end of which I was doubting not only my phone line, but my very sanity. At this point, she slipped and let it out that she was, indeed, typing. She got a great laugh, and I got rather upset. Not because this was, in itself, a big deal, but because it happens ALL the time. It’s constant. There are days when I dont know if I can trust a word she says. Now, admittedly, she dosnt lie to me about important things, and there are ways I can verify if she’s telling me the truth without fail, but why should I HAVE to? I want to be able to listen to what she tells me without wondering if she’s lying. more and more, I dont feel like I can. I try to tell her this, I tell her that her lying bothers me, but she says that ‘that’s the way she is’ and that’s that. She’s going to keep lying to me for her amusement, I’m going to get more and more distraught and trust her less and less and there’s very little I can do to stop it, simply because she isnt willing to compromise with me.
Which is another thing. I’ve done some really dumb things in the past, things that I didnt think would be ‘bad’, but which turned out being the wrong thing to do. Whenever I do something that she views as something that’s wrong, I try to talk to her about it. She never wants to; I end up cajoling her for hours or days to try and get her to tell me what I’ve done wrong. I never know what I’ve done wrong because if I knew it was wrong, I wouldnt have done it. So I work it out of her, talk to her about it, listen to what she thinks of what I did and work out a solution. 90% of the time I learn carefully what mistake I made, and resolve never to make that mistake again. And in every instance that I can think of, the arguement has never again come up because I’ve learned from my mistakes and wont repeat them. On the other hand, when she does something that upsets me and I try to talk to her about it (notice, again it’s me trying to induce conversation about problems), I’m met with hard arguements that I’m getting upset for stupid reasons. It’s upsetting me; how is it stupid? She dosnt try and see my side of it, she dosnt seem to want to. She just wants me to get over whatever it is that’s bothering me. The lying issue is an example; I tell her I dont like when she lies to me. She says she dosnt lie about important stuff, only little things, and that I’m being silly. I tell her she lies to me so often that I’m beginning to wonder if I can trust her word on important things. She gets offended, because, of COURSE I can trust her, she wouldnt lie to me about important things. In my mind I know that, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe it the more she lies to me. See the problem here? If she gets upset, I work it out, figure out what I did wrong, and correct my mistake. If I get upset, I’m being silly. That’s it. She’s not willing to try and understand WHY I’m getting upset and correct the mistake, she just wants me to stop being upset.
Which again, leads to another thing. I’m starting to feel, very strongly, that I cant tell her when I’m having a problem. Simply because every time I have told her, I got shot down. She makes me feel stupid for feeling that way. I’m a terrible debater. When she presents her side, I often lose sight of my side because I’m trying to understand hers. But there’s no effort on her part to understand MY side of things. I’m wrong. Always. So, I’ve been telling her less and less when I have troubles, and it’s coming to a breaking point. I’ve got so much bottled up, and I dont feel like I can tell her any of it because all that’ll happen is that she’ll get upset with me, make me feel like an idiot, and nothing will change. She’ll keep doing the things that upset me.
I dont really like conflict. I’d rather discuss things than argue about them. I want to hear her side and have her hear mine. But she wont, and I dont know what to do.
Another issue arises. She lies, this is Who she Is. Am I, in trying to get her to stop lying to me too much, trying to change who she is? When she tries to change me, it chafes me to no end; She tries to tell me what to wear, how to do my hair. She tells me I cant wear pants with small rips in them, no matter the occasion. If I’m having a problem say, at school, she wont suggest ideas that I try. No, she’ll TELL me what to do. I have homework? She TELLS me the order to do it in. If I try to object and do it a different way, she seems to doubt that my way is any better. I have no problems with her telling me her ideas, but she basically says “Do it”. This is a relatively recent development, but I’ve not told her about it for the reasons listed above. Because I know she’ll say I’m being silly (“I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just suggesting! Sheesh, stop being so touchy.”) Note that I’m automatically in the wrong. Maybe she is only suggesting and maybe I’m misinterpreting her. If so, TALK to me about it and explain to me what you’re actually trying to say that I’m misinterpreting. I’ll listen, and we can work it out. But dont TELL me I’m WRONG!
Okay, back on track… These things do, indeed, constitute who she is. I’m bothered when she tries to change who I am. Am I being hypocritical? Am I trying to change her (stop the lying, stop the control issues, get her to listen to me) when I dont want her to change me? Am I interfering with her right to be herself? This, right here, is the part that confuses me the most. It hurts, terribly, when she does these things and my hurt is met with relative indifference. Is my hurt unreasonable? Does she have the right to be this way without my trying to alter it? Then, I think, I’m not trying to change her, I’m trying to change US. I dont expect her to stop this behaviour cold turkey. All I want is to discuss it, so that SOMETHING can change in the relationship that issues like these will stop hurting me so. And I have no idea which is what. And having typed it, My head is no clearer; in fact I think I’m even more confused.
Sometimes she pretends she’s mad at me when she’s not. She’s an actress, and I’m bad at this kind of interpretation; I cant tell that she’s kidding. I wrack my brain trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong. I cant find anything, so I ask her again, please… if you’re not actually mad at me, please stop pretending, I really dont like it. She continues to pretend, and this goes on until I get VERY distraught, at which point she breaks the facade and acts like it was all a big joke. I dont laugh.
Also I dont like it when she insults me. She jokes around, calling me names, and it bothers me, and when I tell her to please, stop insulting me, it hurts, she acts as though I’m being overly sensitive (cant you take a joke?) and again, I get confused and feel like a moron. I need help. I need HER help, I need her to listen and talk to me instead of getting devensive, but she wont. I dont know why.
My chem teacher is a moron. She’s good at lectures and the like, but when I dont understand something (which is often now that we’re doing equations and I’m no good at math) and I go to her for help, she questions why I dont understand it. Of course, I SHOULD understand it. I should go and review it again. I DID that already. It didnt help. I need more help or I wont be able to get it. Again; but it’s just review! You should understand it. Go review. repeat ad infinitum.
I told my SO about this. She immediatly began a five minute dialog on what I have to do, without letting me talk about what I already planned to do. Again, she was telling me what to do.
There’s more, but my brain is now so jumbled that I cant remember any of it. I’ll probably be putting more up here soon as it comes back to me. Any ideas would be appreciated, otherwise, thanks for letting me get this off my chest…