Wow. A lot of this sounds really, really, really familiar. The total inconsideration for your feelings, the refusal to accomodate or even listen to your needs, the need to belittle you in order to prove her superiority, the pathetic excuse of “this is just how I am and if you have a problem with that, it’s YOUR problem not mine - you shouldn’t try to change me” (oh boy is that familiar!), the total conviction that “I’m always right and if I’m wrong, see rule 1”. Been there, done that. I’m watching some friends go down that road right now.
I can tell you what I eventually had to do - I had to say, “Well, if that is who you are and you’re happy with that, you’ll have to be happy without me. If you truly want to be a mean, manipulative, cruel, lying, evil fuckhead, you go right ahead, but I don’t have to put up with that kind of behavior.” I said it in something damn near those very words.
But get this: you have to absolutely mean what you say. Just saying it to get a reaction won’t cut it - because if the reaction is ‘OK, walk’, you damn well better walk or you will be seriously abused soon.
That means that you need to do some hard, serious thinking about yourself. Why you are willing to live with this abuse? How good are her good points and how much are you willing to put up with? How hard are you willing to work?
Because half of the problem is yours, buddy boy. You’ll have to change how you think and do things, too. If you weren’t being so cooperative, she wouldn’t be able to get away with her shit.
Again and always - why are you willing to put up with this abuse? IME, chances are good that you have some pretty big problems with self-esteem and insecurity (and don’t we all!) that you need to deal with, or else you’ll just repeat the same bad scene even if you get out of this particular relationship.
See, problem is, she truly believes that she’s always right, that she has no problems & everything is your fault. And there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to change that. She will only change if she wants to. And for her to decide to change means she has to take a cold, hard look at herself - and that can be damn ugly.
And you have to be ready to do the same - you’re gonna have to take that cold, hard look at just how ugly you can seem to other people. Because she probably has a list of complaints too. Most of those complaints will be just as valid as yours. You can spend the rest of your life changing to please her - but until y’all get some real communication going, it will never do any good. You’ll both be miserable and hurting each other.
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE. You can only change yourself. But first you have to know yourself well enough and be honest enough with yourself. Otherwise you’re just pissing into the wind.
And you have to make sure she means it - that she’s not just saying what you want to hear. Until her behavior changes consistently, she’s just whistling Dixie.
It takes more than one person to make a relationship. If she’s not willing to fight for your relationship, you can’t save it alone. You’ll be much happier much faster if you cut your losses and get the hell out.
I have to disagree with most of the posters. People like this can change. I live with one who did. It’s been a hell of a trip and we’re still on the road, but at least we’re off the treadmill. It can happen, but it’s rare.
And it takes both of you. It will be a lot of work. It will cause a lot of pain - often it hurts worse than just putting up with the original problem. It’s scary as hell - you won’t realize just how comfortable you feel with your problems until you actually start to do something about them. It’s an ugly, ugly mess that you have to dig through and sort out - kind of ‘reduce, reuse and recycle for the soul’.
If you’re both sure, and I mean REALLY REALLY SURE that this relationship is worth it, then get a counselor. Hell, get several (his, hers and theirs) if you need to.
Otherwise, if you’re not sure, if she’s not sure - give it up now. Save yourself (and her) the time and the grief and the heartache.