How to tell someone you don't like their SO

In My Humble Opinion
1

My cousin thinks her live-in boyfriend hung the moon. She thinks he is wonderfully witty, exceptionally attractive and extremely intelligent. He is none of that. By a long shot.

He is self-centered, pushy, talks too much, not very bright, has no future and his “jokes” are not funny. He likes people to think he is being sensitive and giving when he is actually being condescending and manipulative. He doesn’t think before he speaks and says things to her family that often leave us speechless. He makes his living as a security guard and told us that he never gets speeding tickets because when he gets pulled over he just flashes his security badge and they let him off as he is a “fellow peace keeper” :rolleyes: Oh yeah, and he lies. If you’ve done something he’s done it twice, done it better, and had more fun doing it. Argh! He makes me nuts. Last fall my husband and I drove for 24 hours straight to surprise her and her family with a visit. We met up with the boyfriend so he could let us into her apartment. That way we could surprise her when she came home from work. My uncle (who we were driving over to surprise later) happened to call about something and this guy * told him we were there! Isn’t it great, they’re on their way to your house next to surprise you! * I could have killed him when I found out!

I tried to like him. I really, really did. Lord how I tried. I defended him to her parents saying “maybe he is just nervous and this is how he compensates”. Ha! Nope, it’s just him.

My cousin and I are very close. She came to live with my husband and I when she was a teenager when she was having problems at home. Her relationship with my husband and I is an odd sort of parental figure/friend/relative thing. My husband is wild-elephant-protective of her and has asked repeatedly if he can * please * accidentally knock this guy off the balcony when we go visit her this May.

Here’s the thing. She is a drop dead gorgeous, polite, hard working, smart, quick witted young woman with good morals who believes none of the above is true about herself. She is shy and hates any type of change in her life. She could do * so * much better than this jerk. When my husband and I met him for the first time last fall she asked me what I thought of him. I told her he seemed okay, I did not know him very well but that I was unsure about a good future with him because of things he had done in the past. (He was very controlling with her early on in the relationship emotionally and I told her at the time I was uncomfortable with that). All in all I did not say much about it for fear of alienating her.

I am dreading the visit in May only for the fact that I know she will once again ask what I think of this guy. Since our first meeting last fall I’ve gotten to know him much better through phone calls and chats on the internet. My dislike grows every time I speak to the man.

So what do I tell her? Do I tell her what I think and take the chance she will pull the old stand-by-your-man thing or keep my mouth shut and hope she sees him for what he is soon enough? Personally I don’t think the later is going to happen and although she will not cut herself off from us if I tell her I don’t like him, it might change my relationship with her. I am sure some of you have dealt with this in your own lives. What did you do?

2

Well, if it were up to me…

I’d try to tell her, and when doing so, provide proof of what you’re saying. (Saved chats are good for that sort of thing. ^_^) Be like a lawyer, and present your side of the story, but let her get her shots in too. Don’t fall into the “this is how it is” speech. Obviously, this is going to take some amount of (hopefully uninterupted) time.

I wish you so much luck, and may the woman realize what’s going on soon.

3

This is a sticky one!

I doubt even a frank heart-to-heart will change much. For whatever reasons, she’s emotionally involved with him. My guess is she’d become defensive on his behalf. FWIW she probably recognizes the problems on some level. Confronting her would probably shove her futher into the corner. She’d crystalize rationalizations–and go “on record” with them–that could trap her even more.

Sounds like your cousin genuinely loves you and your hubby, which is a huge help. You could jointly treat him with a carefully polite lack of enthusiasm. There’s nothing more lethal–and no less pointed for being unstated–than taking refuge in company manners. It’s hellishly effective, especially when contrasted with honestly warm, loving fun. When he brags, manipulates, puts her down etc. you can still send a STRONG signal by looking blank and letting silence talk.

The guy might be insecure and “suffering from low self-esteem”. (I hate that jargon.) So what? It isn’t a license to bully others. Your cousin might try offering the excuses for him. If she seems ready to talk AND listen then maybe you could just start with, “He might be the great guy you say he is but I don’t like the way he treats you.” You could feel your way from there, e.g. that she isn’t stupid for loving him but she can’t solve his problems either. Or something like that.

Good luck to all of you. Sounds like she’s a fine lady in a bad situtation but at least she has strong, loving folks on her side while she muddles through.

Veb

4

I don’t think you should say anything. If you do, she won’t listen anyway, and it may damage your relationship, at least a little. And it may make her feel defensive about the relationship, and more determined to STAY with the jerk. If that happens, even if she DOES eventually figure out that you are right about him, she may not feel comfortable coming to you with her pain.

I would just not say anything, positive OR negative about him to her. She will get the point, I am sure, and yet the door will still be open for you to help her later.

Unless she asks, in which case I would tell the truth, but in a lot less negative terms than I really felt. Maybe something along the lines of “Honey, you know we will always try to love anyone YOU love.” You can come up with something better than that, but I am sure you catch my drift.

I went with some real turkeys in my youth, and I will always be glad that my parents didn’t share their opinions with me. I was just stubborn enough to have stuck with the jerks just because I was young and stupid and full of pride.

This is an extremely sticky situation. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

Scotti

5

I see that while I was composing my post, Veb came in and said it all better than I ever could have.

Listen to her…she is an extremely insightful person, IMHO.

And I especially agree with what she said about “company manners” and the “blank look” thing. Sometimes being polite is more pointed than being forthright.

6

IMHO…I liked the way my friend Robin did it.

She just looked me in the eye and said " I’m the only friend of yours with the balls to say it-Scott’s a yutz and you can do better."

That started me thinking and as a result I am now yutz-free. That MPSIMS thread about the beer run was just the final push over the edge.

Thanks Robin!!!

I have tactfully suggested to friends they could do better unless the SO does something which requires immediate action-like when my friend Denise’s then boyfriend grabbed my ass during a night out…let’s just say everyone knew as soon as his hand touched down. Subtle? no Effective?yes

7

::cracking up helplessly::

Dang these simul-posts. Just read what you wrote, Scotti and had the identical reaction. “Yeah, that’s what I MEANT to say, listen to Scotti; heart as big as all outdoors and a level head to boot…”

Woulda helped if I coulda spit out the basics like you did: young, stubborn, full of pride.

You rock.

Veb

8

** rayniday ** There is nothing worth saving in the chats to show her. It is more of an attitude thing in them that I do not like than “evidence” of any wrong-doing. When he talks about her in chat or on the phone to me it is to tell me how wonderful she is. Which is true. Too bad he knows it.

** TVeblen and Scotticher ** Actually we are doing exactly what you both said. Stiffly polite, never initiating much conversation, listening till he’s through then turning to something else. sigh It just sucks. It is uncomfortable for us, her parents (who also do not like this man) and, well, everyone * except * him. I don’t think he can fathom the thought that * anyone * is not falling for his “I am such a great guy” routine let alone her entire family. I was kind of hoping for someone to come along and say “No no, be mean as hell to him and she will see the light and he will go away”. No go huh?

** hardygrrl ** I am not sure I could do that in this case. They are living together and, for reasons I can’t see, she obviously loves this man. Me telling her I think he is a yutz will not be the reason she leaves him. It may, as you say, start her thinking but in the meantime my relationship with her will have suffered I fear.

I did the “We are glad he makes you happy” thing without commenting on how we felt about him. Actually, she does know that my husband is not fond of him. When they started dating he did some stupid things which Mr.Jawofech made clear he was not so keen about. My cousin knows my husband well enough to know that once someone is in his bad books they generally have to work very, very hard to get out of them. She actually called him when we got home last fall and thanked him for being polite and “giving him a chance”.

When my husband was on the phone with her last week chatting about when we would come out in May and could she get time off work the boyfriend got on the phone (which I could tell by the much rolling of eyes and bird flipping being directed at the phone while he was politely saying uh-huh…yes…uh-huh) to tell my husband the best way to drive out there. Apparently he has driven from Manitoba to Las Vegas a few times and this qualifies him in all areas of route mapping. When Mr.Jawofech hung up he looked at me and said “When we go out there I am driving the entire way in reverse. Ha! Let him top that!”

If he were dating someone else I could tolerate him but he’s not and he is making me insane with bottled up “you are an idiot”'s.

He must have some good qualities. She loves him for a reason so there must be something. Maybe he is just hung like a donkey. I don’t know.

Thanks for the advice thus far all. It is mostly as I feared. Be polite but distant. Maintain ties with her without making him central to anything we discuss. If she asks be gentle in my assesment of him. I guess I just wanted to make sure we were handling things right. I don’t want to drive her to him in defense of him, but neither do I want to drive her to him in a false sense of acceptence and security.

Blech. I hate this.

9

It’s hard to tell someone you don’t like the apple of their eye. My best friend is constantly flling for someone new, and I can always tell from the beginning which ones will hurt him, but he doesn’t listen. “No, you’re wrong, she’s not gonna devastate me like the last 7 did…” A week later, he’s crying because she screwed him up yet again. I’ve learned that it helps to be honest. Let her know you support her, and that it’s her decision, but this is just your perspective. Maybe she’ll open her eyes, and realize maybe he’s not all that great after all. There’s still the chance that she won’t believe you, but at least you can say you tried.

10

One of my friends recently broke up with a guy I was not very fond of. I couldn’t pinpoint anything in particular, but I didn’t think he was treating her right, the relationship was on his terms and she didn’t have much say. Whenever they were out together, at pubs and such, he’d always get too drunk and get loud and obnoxious, and she’d be the one to take the heat. I never said anything out loud, but I was trying to show that I did not like him and that she could do much better.

When she told me they’d broken up (actually, she had told him she wasn’t ready to move in with him and he decided that in that case she obviously didn’t love him and that was the end of that) I told her she was better off. She asked what I meant by that and I told her everything that had bugged me about him and their relationship and she asked why I hadn’t said anything before, I could have saved her a lot of heartache. I asked her if she would have listened to me if I had said something and she admitted that she wouldn’t have. But she said that hearing about other people’s relationships had made her realize that hers wasn’t all that great.

The moral of the story (if there is one), she most likely will not listen to “the truth”. But maybe she will start to realize she’s not in a great relationship if she sees what a great relationship can be like.

Great advice huh? Well, it’s the best I can do.

11

Ah, to be in love & see a person like that is cool. You know, you don’t notice they are crappy until you get rid of them.

Best thing I always do is to keep my mouth shut about those qualities.

12

Actually it is very good advice.

When she first started dating this guy and he did some stupid things we actually discussed just this. I told her to look at the relationships around her. Her parents, my parents, my husband and I, my sister and her husband. All four are strong marriages filled with mutual respect, love and much laughter. The examples of a great relationship are all around her and I told her then to expect no less in any relationship she becomes involved in. At the time she agreed. Now she is just so in love with this doofus she does not see why it is a bad relationship and believes it is comparable to her examples. She equates him bringing home her favorite chocolate bar with him always thinking about her and does not see that he does these things *only * when he wants to get his own way in something.

Now how do I bring this up in conversation again without making it obvious that I am being negative towards him or their realtionship?

Maybe I should just be thankful she is happy even if it is blindly so.

13

What makes you think you have to be her protector and judge of her relationships?

The best thing you can do for her as a friend and relative is to be friendly to her and her SO, and never let on that you don’t like him. Maybe she sees things in him that you don’t? Perhaps he’s awkward around people and that leads him to do stupid things, but he could be a saint when he’s with her alone. Maybe he’s great with kids. Who knows? In any event, as an adult she has a right to her own choices, WITHOUT static from her friends and relatives who think they could make better choices than she can.

Why do you feel you have to intervene in this relationship? If you have any evidence at all that he’s physically abusive or dangerous, go for it. But your impressions of his manners and career choices is not sufficient for you to cause that much stress in her life, IMO.

14

I should add that any attempts to tell her how you feel are almost certainly going to backfire on you. If she loves this person, she’ll resent you for attacking him, defend him, and it’ll strain your relationship with both of them. If she doesn’t love him, she’ll figure it out on her own, and if you get involved she may just blame you when the inevitable breakup happens.

If he’s really as big a dipshit as you say he is, she probably already knows it. Deep down, she may understand that she’s made a bad choice, but just not have the strength to walk out of the relationship. In which case, your frank discussion with her will fall into the category of rubbing her nose in her mistake, and most people don’t appreciate that.

15

jawofech: there is a very similar situation happening in my family. My parents severly dislike my sister’s boyfriend, for many of the same reasons you and your husband dislike your cousins’. In fact, when I read your line about your husband wanting to accidentally toss him off the balcony, I laughed myself sick because my father has said the same exact thing, in almost the same exact words.

Whatever you decide to do, and I won’t say what because many, especially Veb and Scotti[ have already said it better. But whatever you decide to say or do, I strongly suggest you do something. My parents never did, and they’ve been putting up with my sister’s SO for going on six years. That time could have been a lot less tense had they said something directly rather than back biting.

Just my thinks.

16

Boy, this one is really tough.

Here’s my take:

Please consider that it is possible (if unlikely) that he isn’t as bad as you think he is. If your cousin isn’t crying frequently, and isn’t being severely restricted in her social life, and isn’t being beaten, maybe the guy just has some growing up to do. After all, she probably does, too, or she wouldn’t be quite so insecure.

About 12 years ago, I dated a very nice guy (not an abuser, liar, or cheater), whom my college buddies (the female ones, anyway) just HATED. And they told me so, in no uncertain terms. (“Hey, pick up the phone! That a$$hole’s on the line!” etc.) Still don’t know what they hated about him so much…we’ve been happily married for nearly 9 years now, but I lost all of them (and their SO’s/husbands) as friends. They’ve never even seen our son, who is six. Had they been polite to the SO, even distantly polite, we would doubtless still be in touch.

I think, after all this verbage, I’m going with Veb’s idea. Make it clear that you don’t care for him–but don’t say that you HATE him. If she is crying frequently, or you have other proof of his nasty nature, you may bring that up. Otherwise, pained politeness is the very best way to go. My parents used this successfully on my college boyfriend, who was a yutz from the get-go. Just knowing that they disdained him was enough…hey, I was 17! If I thought they HATED him, and they had started arguments, I would have HAD to come roaring to his defense to justify my own decision to be with him. This way, I could just mull it over on my own time. I think the line they used is, “well, honey, I’m sure he has many sterling qualities that we just can’t see.”

Also, it is very important that you tell your cousin–don’t imply it, TELL her–that if anything happens, anything at all, you and your husband are there for her.

If she’s as intelligent as you think she is, either she will come around, or he will turn out to be more than you thought. Hey, maybe he’s just a blowhard with a heart-o’-gold. sigh

Don’t envy you this mess. Good luck!

17

It’s their lives. Let them live them. If it’s a mistake, they’ll learn. If it’s not, well, if you jump in, no one will ever know, will they?

I assume she’s an adult. If so, she doesn’t need your approval or protection (assuming she’s not walking around with black eyes or such). If you like her, support her. To do anything else, IMHO, is to say that you consider your own opinion and judgment above hers. Just because you don’t get along with him means absolutely sqaut.

Get off your high horse and let other people live by their own choices. If they ask you for an opinion, give it. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

18

Grumpy today, Gazoo?

My sympathies, jawofech. This is not a fun position to be in.

Like others in this thread, I agree with Veb and Scotticher.

When I was dating losers, I know I didn’t like hearing what losers they were. Actually, I already knew. I just chose (mistakenly) to discount the negatives. And when my friends or family are dating losers, they don’t want to hear it either. Chances are good they already know, as many admit after the relationship ends.

One area where you do have the absolute right to say something or take other action, though, is when unacceptable behavior occurs in your presence or in your own house. Regardless of whether this person is any relative’s or friend’s SO, you don’t have to tolerate unacceptable behavior. hardygrrl’s example is a good one.

When my friends or family are dating losers, invitations from me just… stop coming. My attendance at their events just sort of falls off. I’ll make extra effort to invite my friends or family out when I know their SO is at work. (Um, assuming the SO works.) And when I was dating losers, invitations certainly stopped coming my way. It’s the equivalent of shunning. Nobody actually comes right out and says, “Hey, your SO’s a jerk, and I’m not putting up with it.” That sort of statement, of course, would result in defensiveness. But repeated efforts to maintain contact with my family and friends without the problem SO seem to work: They give me time to appreciate my family and friends, and I get to avoid the SO that I find objectionable.

I think it sucks that people (including me) get so tangled up in bad relationships that they won’t listen. But I can say from experience that they have to learn on their own that the relationships are bad.

You can offer your support and your good example. I can pretty confidently assure you that it will be appreciated.

Sorry to ramble on so long.

Best wishes!

Jeyen

19

I, apparently, should have been a wee bit more clear on something judging by ** Gazoo’s** post.

Although I will readily admit to not liking this man I am in no way under the impression I have the right to decide who she can or can not date.

As I mentioned before there were things in the beginning of her relationship with him that made us, as a family, uncomfortable. However she forgave him and that was certainly her right. It is not our place to second guess her in that and it is our responsibility to support her regardless of whether we agree or not. Which I believe we are doing.

His many, many, many personality flaws just compound the problem I guess.

Black eyes and bruises are only physical signs of abuse. Emotional abuse is just as devastating and harder to recognize. We find him to be controlling and manipulative. She does not see it or if she does she accepts it.

Since I * did * ask for opinions and this, apparently, is yours I guess I will say thank you.

20

I’m sorry, Gazoo, but you are being horribly rude to this nice lady and I have to assume it is because oyu made some assuptions based on the first paragraph of the OP and skimmed the rest. Note that in her OP she stated:

Jawofech has never once suggested she offer an unsolicited opinion–she has been asking what to do when an opinion is requested. If anything, her attitude is a hell of a lot more tactful and accepting than your own, because she is not sure she even has the right to interfere when asked.

I really think you owe her an apology.