This made me giggle - at least you haven’t lost your sense of humor. I might steal this for a sig, if you don’t mind.
Veb and Scotti and jeyen are right on the money, as usual - don’t put her in a position where she has to defend him. I dated a real dipshit early on in college, and it took me a while to see what a dipshit he was (he wasn’t manipulative, or controlling, or bad, or a cheater - he was a non-stop nervous talker and bad in bed. You know, a dipshit. I got sick of him and dumped him). But the more my parents froze him out, the more I clung on.
I have to agree with the general consensus. Any overt attacks on the boyfriend will be, at least to some extent, interpreted by your cousin as an attack on her. Any time you say to someone, “The person you are with is bad”, they will infer, “so there is something wrong with you for being with him.” In order to defend her own self-esteem, she will find herself defending him; and once a person makes an emotional investment in defending a position, it becomes MUCH harder for them to ever abandon it.
Please go rent the movie Once Around with Holly Hunter and Richard Dreyfuss. The character that Dreyfuss plays sounds just like your cousin’s boyfriend.
My policy in situations like this (my best friend has been dating a guy for 6 years that I can’t stand) is to keep in mind that I don’t know what things they’re whispering to each other when they’re alone. She really may be able to see something in him that you all aren’t. Unless he’s being abusive, cheating on her, or is doing something really destructive, I would leave it alone and be as nice to him as you can.
Damn near everybody who met my ex husband thought I was nuts for being involved with him. One of my friends decided that it was up to her to share with me all the ways he was wrong, mean to me, undeserving of my time etc… Of course, at the same time, my husband was busy sharing with me about all the ways she was wrong, mean to me, undeserving of my time, etc. It was a very difficult time for me. At the time, I wished they’d both knock it off. In the beauty of hindsight, I wished they’d both have knocked it off.
Some years later, I was in the opposite position, getting letters from my friend in CO about the wonderful woman he’d just met, within a week, he started referring to her as “Mrs.” talked about the ‘former friends’ and neigh sayers they had dropped 'cause these folks weren’t giving them positive energy or whatever for their relationship. I thought “ok, he’s cutting out everybody who doesn’t embrace her, geez is he going to need a friend when this blows up” a month later he married her, two months later he was divorcing her and trying to make sure she didn’t get half of his assests. And these days? I had to remind him what was so bad about her…
“I want you to be happy dear” is about it. I would suspect that she knows he makes your skin crawl (I knew that most of my friends didn’t care for my ex).
She’s either going to break up with him or stay. Either way, she’ll need supportive folks around her.
Well, this same guy, or a relative of his, must have been married to one of my friends! She got engaged to him at the age of 19, and her parents basically bribed her to finish college (don’t get married 'til you finish, and we’ll buy you a car). I know they were hoping in those 3 years, she’d change her mind. No such luck. She got her degree, the car, and then got married. She had to learn the hard way and they are divorced now. At least they didn’t have kids!
So there’s a prime example that direct meddling in a relationship can really, really backfire. I think she stuck harder to this total loser because her parents didn’t approve of him.
I personally, however, am not above a little indirect meddling if someone I care about is dating a loser.
You don’t say what age your cousin is, but if there are other single men around her age that you can introduce her to in the absence of the loser, well … at least she can get a look at the competition, if you know what I mean. Perhaps you know someone charming and nice who could just happen to show up when she’s around?
“Well, honey, nobody is ever going to be good enough for you, but whatever you want is fine with us.”
The kindest thing I see possible is to treat him with great compassion and as much warmth as you can muster, and when it’s over, never say anything that contradicts that position.
Cretin or not, he too deserves an extension of compassion.
